


Family.Living

by Stulot



Category: nuke
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 13:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 130,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4061569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stulot/pseuds/Stulot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this back in 2009/2010?? It's the longest work I've ever done and thought I could might as well add it here if anyone likes to read it lol. <br/>I wrote it for the Nuke fandom but in this the names are changed and it's set in the future so it's not really relevant to know Nuke to enjoy the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ch 1

Nate swirled his glass of red wine, which left a thick trace of fluid on the sides, and brought it to his nose. Cherries, chocolate and just a hint of cardamom. A quick taste where he let it roll around his tongue, exploring the delicate fluid.

“Perfect” he stated happily, put it down and watched it get filled. 

A laugh erupted from the people around the table. Helen rolled her eyes as she had done so many times before on these occasions. “Snob”

“Cynic” Nate replied quickly without looking at her, took another taste of his wine and then pointed his tongue out to his little sister as the waiter made his way from their table.

Matt chuckled quietly at the familiar banter. “As much as I love hearing you two tease I suggest we make a toast to our birthday boy” He shot a glance at a big black clock, probably two feet across, that hung above the stylish bar. “Well, birthday boy in a few hours at least” Matt smiled and felt his wife's hand on his.

“And hardly a boy anymore” Eric sighed and raised a questioning eyebrow. “Now am I?” he asked, not really expecting an answer in return. He strongly disliked the celebration of another year coming till its end, a trade he blamed Nate for rubbing off on him. 

“Aww” Nate leaned in to his husband and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek which was received with the same sweet little smile it always got. “You're always a boy to me”

Eric chuckled. “Just not too young ok” He looked at Nate and carded his fingers through his husband's blond curls at the back of his neck and out of the blue gave a quick kiss back, this time on the lips. “Let's say I'm twenty five, twenty eight tops”

Matt raised his glass and the other ones followed suit. “To the eternal twenty-eight year old! Plus eleven...” Matt added mumbling and received a kick on his leg underneath the table. “Oy! Don't know if you deserve a toast now”

Helen nudged his shoulder. “Oh go on honey. He's an old man, he needs all the encouragement he can get” she said, joining the teasing. 

“Hey!” Eric put on a pretending sulk. “You should treat your elder with respect”

It was Nate's turn. “But I thought you said you weren't old” he said, one eyebrow cocked. 

“Great, even you're ganging up against me now? Trader. Where the hell is my toast?”

“Guys! Wait up!”

The quartet turned their heads and looked at the handsome twenty year old something that came rushing up to them. His hair was ruffled, his cheeks red and his blue striped shirt slightly creased. In some ways he reminded of Nate, just with a slightly bigger expression of mischief upon his face. 

Eric stood up and smiled wide. “Justin!” The two men joined in a bear hug. “We thought you had a “hot date” with some girl”

“What girl? Nonsense. And miss your b-day Eric? No way”

Nate checked his shirt. “Looks like you already met her” he murmured and took a new sip of his wine. 

Helen folded her arms onto the table and leaned forward. “So little brother, when do we get to meet her then?” she smirked and winked with one eye. “It is a her right?” She asked without reason, her younger brother being quite the heart breaker among the girls. 

Justin responded by narrowing his eyes at her. “Ignoring shield on” he said and swept his hand in front of his face which received a laugh from the others.

“Well why don't you bring her to the party in a couple of weeks? It will be more than just us there so no pressure” Eric suggested friendly. His siblings might tease him mercilessly, but he would always be on his side.

“We'll see” Justin answered reluctantly.

Nate pulled out an empty chair next to him. “Sit down J, we haven't ordered yet”

“No, only wine right?” Justin teased, knowing full well that the traditions from a good ol' O'Connor gathering were still being carried out. Wine always came first when his siblings got together, and it had been the same with his parents and their friends, so he'd been told. If he remembered correctly one of them had been a sommelier, teaching them all everything that was worth knowing about wine. 

“Exactly. You got to know your priorities” Nate responded and the rest of them laughed. “It's standard O'Connor law people” Even though only one half of the O'Connor siblings still carried the name, they were all a O'Connor at heart. Their bond was strong. 

“Yeah, and I believe it was time for a toast” Matt raised his glass in a new attempt.

“Finally” Eric sighed.

“To our favorite thirty nine year old, don't worry Nate, you'll be our favorite in a few months”

“Oh how kind” he smilingly pursed his lips. 

Matt continued. “Here's to thirty nine years, may there be thirty nine more and may the year to the big FOUR. O. go really slow. Cheers!”

Clinking their glasses together, they all joined in. “Cheers!”

All sounds seemed to be blurring out as Eric found himself looking at them one by one. Helen and Matt who were more than just family but also close friends. Justin who he sometimes felt like a second father to since he and Nate had practically raised him after Landon and Anne's death. Eric looked up and sent a thought to them.And then there was Nate, his husband for almost fifteen years and, without a doubt, would be until they were old and wrinkly. He smiled to himself when picturing Nate as an old man, the image didn't add up, he was far too alive to ever be slowed down by age.

The waiter interrupted his thoughts as he placed a menu in front of him.

“So where are the kids then?” He heard Justin ask.

“Babysitter” Helen answered.

“Babysitter and sleepover. And god it feels good to be able to leave them” Nate laughed. “Now, when DO we get to meet this mysterious girl of yours?”

And with that the teasing continued long into the night.  
...

Nate studied Eric as he emerged from their en-suite bathroom. He pushed down his reading glasses to the tip of his nose. The towel was hanging low on his slender hips and the hair was glistening wet from his recent shower. One year older, admittedly there were a couple of grays in his brown hair, a few extra pounds around his waist, some wrinkles caused by a hectic life and a constant stubble. But still; So. Damn. Sexy. 

Nate put away his reading, his students essays could wait. “Come here you” He said and lifted the cover invitingly.

Eric ruffled the towel through his hair, hanged it over a chair that was already filled with Nate's clothes and crawled under the covers.

“Planning to take advantage of an old man are we?”

“Oh shut it” Nate snuggled in and gave him a sweet kiss, their tongues meeting for a second. “Happy birthday honey”. God, where had the twenty one years they had spent together gone? “And no, I wasn't trying anything. I actually have a bit of a headache, too much wine I think. So not tonight ok? Sorry” He smiled guilty, knowing too well that they should take advantage of a kids' free night. 

Eric smiled softly and removed Nate's glasses. “Too much reading is more like it” He placed the glasses on the nightstand. “And it's ok, I feel like I'm coming down with something anyway. 'Bit tired” He lay back onto his back and started smiling.

“What?” Nate chewed on his pen. 

“God, we are getting old. I remember when coming down with something didn't mean you didn't have the energy to go down on something” Eric chuckled. He laughed harder when suddenly recalling several attempts to blow jobs with a stopped-up nose. Memories that were probably best forgotten.

“Right, that's it” Nate replied demanding, threw off their shared cover and rolled on top of Eric. “Who said anything about a headache? I only heard “go down on something”” He wiggled his eyebrows and received a laugh from Eric.

Nate silenced him with one of his kisses that still managed to make his toes curl and Eric allowed himself to let out a soft moan while Nate kept tracing kisses down his body.

“I should just pay you and you could do this all day”

Nate smiled while planting a kiss on his chest. “Well I don't think you could afford me”. Another kiss on his stomach. 

Eric arched his head back and closed his eyes, feeling all traces of any sickness being washed away. His cock was growing hard by the attention his body was receiving. 

And then, the phone rang.

Nate turned his head up, looked at Eric and sighed. “Who the hell calls at this hour?”

“Oh ignore it, keep going” Eric encouraged. 

“What if it's Emma?”

“Right” Eric sat up straight and reached for the phone to answer. “Hagen”

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...” All Eric could make out from the bad reception was that it was at least a female that was singing and it sure wasn't Emma.

“Who's this?” Eric frowned.

“What, you don't even recognize your favorite sister-in-law now?” The woman laughed.

Eric sat up straighter, a grin spreading its way across his face. “Jen?! Is that you? I can hardly hear you!”

“Sure it's me. So did I make the deadline?”

Eric glanced at the alarm clock. “Actually, you're early”

“Oh, yay for me then! I always get the hours mixed up. Well thank god I found a phone” Jen laughed effortlessly. “I'm so calling you in the middle of the night, aren't I?”

“That's ok” Eric smiled, just the fact that she had called, no matter what time, meant the world to him. “So when are you coming home? Are you still in Malaysia?”

“Yup still here, oh man Eric, you should see the spiders that I've been catching lately, you should totally do a documentary about them.”

“So you keep saying”

“Yeah well, you never do it” Jen laughed again. It felt good hearing her do that.

“So Jen did you hear me? When are you coming home? We all miss you here”

“Well I heard this rumor about someone having a little birthday party in two weeks...”

“Really? You'll be home by then?” He grinned at Nate and Nate smiled back, aware that his husband and youngest sister were like two peas in a pod. 

“Yeah looks like it, I had planned it for a while so it just fit perfectly. I'm just staying a week then I'm off to Bolivia.”

“You're nuts, but you know that already”

“I do.” The connection started to buzz. “S is my other th?”

“What?”

“Lu s ere?” 

“Jen I can't hear you”

There were a few cracking sounds and then the connection got cut off completely. Eric sighed and put the phone down, he wished he could have talked to her longer. “That was Jen”

Nate laughed. “Yeah I got that much, her phone calls have a tendency to end like that”

“She's coming home for the party”

Nate's face lit up. “Oh that's great” he said and made a small note on one of his student's papers. 

Eric narrowed his eyes and studied how his husband was trying to play it casually. He hadn't fallen for it for the past ten years and he wasn't falling for it now. “You knew about it”

“Me?” The glasses were back on the tip of his nose and Nate scribbled something down on the paper in a fast pace.

Eric leaned over and snatched the pen out of his hand. “Yes, you” He poked Nate in the side with the back of the pen, a sure weapon for victory. 

As predicted, Nate squirmed and dropped the papers he had held so tightly. Being the stronger one, Eric took the opportunity and pinned him to the bed by straddling his waist – under both protests and fits of laughter from Nate.

“Foul play!” Nate laughed. “I give, I give”

“You're so easy O'Connor” It hadn't been his name for many years but it was still a well used pet name around the house.

Nate lay calm and stared up into Eric's eyes. “Maybe I have a hidden agenda” he said and wiggled his eyebrows.

Eric leaned down and whispered hoarsely in his ear. “Like I didn't know already” 

“Fuck, do you have to use that voice?”

“What, you don't like it O'Connor?” he continued with the same voice, already knowing the answer, and lightly started licking Nate's ear, barely touching it with the tip of his tongue before he bit softly on the lobe. 

“You know...mmm...that you...that it...eemm..turn me into a...oh god right there....into a puddle ...uhu...of goo....”

Eric secretly smiled at his husband's mumbling. He loved the fact that he knew exactly what he liked and didn't, after twenty years it was inevitable. There wasn't one little inch he didn't know about, he held all his little secrets, and Nate held his. Planting soft kisses, he made his way down Nate's body and in a teasing manner blew on his very hard erection, making sure not to touch it with his lips.

“Damn it, stop driving me nuts” Nate complained and Eric laughed and sat up.

“Ok”

Nate opened his eyes. “What do you mean ok?” His voice came off more high pitched than intended. “I meant for you to continue. You know that”

“I mean..” Eric said, leaned over and hooked his arms under Nate's and flipped them both over, Nate now being the one on top. “...that that was only to warm you up. It's my birthday, I should get the BBB treatment”

Straddling Eric, Nate sat back on his calves, he couldn't help himself from gently stroking the smooth skin on Eric's dick. “The BBB?”

“Yeah” Eric shrug his shoulders and made a single twitch of the eyebrows. “Bottom birthday boy”

Nate laughed heartfelt. “Anything you say babe”. If Eric wanted to bottom, he was not about to stand in his way. “Right. Now where does the BBB wish to start his treatment?”  
   
Eric placed his hands behind his head, getting comfortable. “Oh I don’t know. I’m sure my servant can think of something. The last one did” he teased.   
   
“Hey! Mean” Nate shouted and pinched Eric in the side which brought out an eye crinkling laugh from Eric - according to Nate, the best kind.  
   
Even if they had grown up considerably during their years together and put a lot of childish behaviors behind them, teasing each other was something they would never stop doing.   
   
“Well you asked” Eric laughed. “I’m only supplying the answers” he said innocently.  
   
“Well then..” With pursed lips and a devilish stare of nothing but smutty thoughts, Nate leaned over Eric and brushed his lips over his BBB’s lower lip. “…let’s see if you don’t like this servant much better” he kissed him behind his ear and whispered seductively “I have a feeling you will”.  
   
The teasing game had come to its end, and Eric took down his hands and instead wrapped them around Nate’s body, pressing them tightly together while Nate kissed his neck.   
   
“You wanna know the best part about this?” Eric whispered back.   
   
Nate broke his lips’ connection with Eric’s skin, who immediately missed the warmth, and raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”  
   
“Well... The kids are gone, which means we can be as loud as we like” Eric declared and bit his lip, both eyes shining bright when trying to hide a naughty grin.   
   
Nate couldn’t help but laugh. “I bet you like that Mr. Screamer” he teased. On more than one occasion had he been forced to cover his husband’s mouth that tended to get a bit loud when he was being subjected to certain ‘treats’. Emma had walked in on them once when she’d been little, wondering why dad was hurting. Luckily, she showed no signs of remembering the event they had no desire to repeat.   
   
Slightly blushing, Eric tried defending himself, “It’s only because you work that damn tongue of yours so good” He felt Nate trail his way down his chest. Alternating between light kisses and careful licking . “So, so good” Eric continued relishing.   
   
Encouraged, not that he needed it, Nate continued down Eric’s stomach, biting his hip bone and moving over his thighs he could feel Eric’s fingers play through his hair. Instantly, he knew what he was asking for but Nate wasn’t about to give it to him.  
   
Therefore, as he kissed the inside of Eric’s thighs and made his way upwards, he kissed the air close, close to his erection, admiring the throbbing vein. 

It drove Eric insane whenever he was teased like this. “Nate..” Maybe pleading would work.   
   
“So. Damn. Eager” Nate said and punctuated each word with a kiss in the air. Then, he covered Eric’s cock with his mouth, still making sure not to touch it.  
   
Eric whimpered. “Please…”  
   
Nate put an end to his agony by giving a new area his attention. “Haven’t anyone told you patience is a virtue?” In their everyday life, Nate was always the impatient one, but in bed the roles were quite reversed. Another moan from Eric, and Nate smirked, knowing he should put his intentions to action. “Besides, weren’t you the one saying you wanted to scream?” A kiss on the right nipple, followed by one on his mouth while lightly stroking Eric's smooth dick.   
   
Eric tried deepening the kiss but Nate wouldn’t let him. With closed eyes he turned his head back and forth, on the verge of losing his mind. “For fuck’s sake Nate. Just do something, I don’t care if I scream or not. Just make me come”   
   
Nate quieted him with another kiss. “Then shut up and turn over, ‘cause I do think you want to scream”  
   
More than willingly, Eric obeyed quickly while a huge grin spread across his face. He knew exactly what Nate was planning, and oh yes, he was going to get a real BBB treatment. One that indeed included screaming.  
   
Nate kissed his right shoulder blade, the place where Eric had gotten a tattoo four years ago, an intricate pattern of branches and leaves where all the names in his family were forever imprinted. Nate absolutely loved the tasteful design of the tattoo and gave it an extra long kiss before he continued down Eric’s spine.  
   
All pent-up stress, due to a delayed documentary and a raging boss with a too high intake of 'NoDoz',  left Eric’s muscles the moment Nate’s tongue made its way in between his cheeks. He felt Nate bend his hips for easier access, but he couldn’t really tell how much. Everything in his mind seemed to flow and when Nate’s tongue entered his body, those promised screams erupted from his body.  
   
By default, Eric's face pressed into the pillow he suppressed his oral expressions as he was used to. That was until Nate stopped what he was doing. “Wanna hear you” he demanded, removed the pillow and got right back to licking and blowing around the pucker before he once again dipped his tongue in it.  
   
Eric’s mouth was open and panting, his legs were shaking and his fingers clenched the cover as it had been a life line. He was in no control over his voice anymore as it continued making uninhibited moans, whimpers and an occasional loud scream of ecstasy. With a long, trembling arm he reached the nightstand and fumbled around the drawer for the lube which he without any words passed over to Nate.   
   
“So you want more huh?” Nate teased again and sat up while he added just the right amount of lube onto his fingers. “Gonna treat you so good baby” he murmured and added his first finger under a gasp of pleasure from Eric. With his other arm, Nate took hold around his waist and pulled Eric’s slacking body up on his knees. It wasn’t an easy task since Eric seemed to be floating on cloud nine. “Come on now baby. Work with me”  
   
“So good” Eric answered with a voice that could have easily been mistaken for a drunk.   
   
Nate tried hard damping a chuckle. “Jeez. Good thing I don’t rim you more often. Gets you far too lazy for my liking”  
   
Eric smiled a goofy grin and helped Nate out by willing himself up on knees and elbows. Nate added a second finger and started teasing, a third soon followed suit. The fingers were sending electric pulses all throughout Eric's body. Sex was always great, the few times they could squeeze it in to their busy schedule, but when it was like this; lose-your-mind-and-control-over-your-body, it was fucking amazing. Like an out of body experience that Nate knew exactly how to give him.   
   
In the distant he could hear Nate groaning as he was now thrusting into him, hitting his prostate over and over again. His head moved rapidly from side to side and he couldn’t keep his eyes open. As Nate started stroking his cock he was all ready to explode when Nate then suddenly stopped all his motions. Fuck, that man certainly knew how to drive him crazy, and not in a good way. Eric panted hard, he’d never felt such frustration, and tried pushing himself back on Nate’s dick. “Nate…” he pleaded. “Now. Come. I wanna come. Please” It was too much to take.  
   
To his relief, Nate slowly started moving again before he made a few last hard thrusts and forcefully stroked Eric’s cock until warm fluid coated his hand. About three seconds later Nate screamed out and fell over Eric’s sweaty back. He kissed the salty pearls and lay there for a moment, just breathing.   
   
“Damn, that was a good one” Nate happily exclaimed as he pulled out and gathered Eric in his arms.

“You gotta lay off the short stops you big tease” Eric complained slurry. 

“I thought I heard something. Never mind.” he said and held Eric tighter. The sounds from outside had disturbed him enough to stop what he was doing and listen momentarily until he'd realized his timing was probably way off, after all, it was likely just some animal.   
   
Already half asleep, Eric turned his head back and answered him with a kiss before he turned back and took a hard grip around Nate’s arm. All stress over damn documentaries and fretting over age was gone and he fell into a relaxed, content sleep.   
   
Nuzzling his nose in Eric’s neck, Nate smiled at the light snoring. “Jeez Hagen, that’s fast even for you” he whispered softly before he too closed his eyes.  
   
…  
   
Just as he had fallen in deep sleep, Eric jerked awake by the buzzing sound of the phone. With half opened eyes he reached out for the receiver, hoping it would be Jen who had found a better phone to call from.

“Hello?” he answered with a gravelly voice. 

“Mr. Hagen?”

“Yes, who's this?” Eric rubbed his eyes open and glanced at Nate who lay on his back, arms sprawled out and slightly snoring with a half opened mouth. 

“This is Officer Rodriguez. We need you to come down to the police station”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 2

The girl took no notice of the people walking pass her as she sat lonely on a chair in a long corridor. The walls were painted in a peculiar kind of yellow, enough to make you nauseous if you stared at them too long. The air felt stifling, a slight odor of urine, hidden under a thick layer of air freshener. There were a few empty chairs next to her that had only been occupied for a brief moment during the last hour she had been sitting there. Despite the fact it was a Friday, she figured it must be a calm night. 

She shuffled through the songs in her black iPod, trying to decide if this was an occasion that required opera or punk. She settled for some old punk, probably from when her parents were young, and cranked up the volume in her headphones, blocking out all the other sounds around her. Impatiently, she tapped the floor with her pink Converse shoe and chewed on her lip. An old man, looking like something that been found in the garbage, reeking of sweat and booze, passed her and mumbled something she couldn't pick up on. She followed him with her eyes as he walked down the hallway and as he turned the corner another man came through the door opening at the far end of the corridor. 

“Shit” she mumbled and turned her head down. Glancing from the corner of her eye she saw how the man approached her with fast, determined, long steps. Damn, damn, damn. Why did he had to pick her up?

The man stopped in front of her and she eyed his black shoe tapping the floor just like she had done, but for a completely different reason. Slowly she tilted her head up, first there were dark blue jeans, then there was a black coat, two folded arms and then finally an angry frown. The man met her eyes and raised his eyebrows as if waiting for her to start talking.

The girl removed her headphones and bit on her short semi-black fingernails, most of the nail polish already gone. “Where's daddy?” she asked carefully.

The man gave a deep sigh. “He's home. You got me, tough luck huh?” 

The harsh tone in his voice made her shoulders and head slightly drop for a brief second before she decided to zip her lips for the rest of the night. She stared angrily, narrowing her eyes at the man before her and tightly pursed her lips. 

The man shook his head in respond, a small eye roll detectable. “You better start talking sooner or later young lady”

“Mr. Hagen?” A gum chewing police man in his thirties suddenly approached them. He had black curly hair and was wearing a shirt that looked a bit too tight, certainly preserving the myth about cops and donuts.

“Yes?”

“I'm Officer Rodriguez, the one who called you. Are you Emma Hagen's father?” There was an obvious lack of concern in the policeman's voice. 

“That's correct” Eric said dry and gave his daughter an angry glance. 

“If you can just come with me and sign some paperwork, then you'll be free to leave.” The Officer motioned for a reception area at the other end of the corridor. 

Eric turned back before walking away and gave her daughter a once over. “You stay put, right there” he said and pointed at Emma and where she was sitting. 

She dramatically rolled her eyes and looked away, what the hell did he expect her to do? Run away? Deciding that listening to her music again was not a good idea while she waited she took a strand of her green bangs and curled it impatiently round her finger. Why did he had to come? Couldn't it had been the nice one in their lame good cop/bad cop routine. Sometimes they changed roles, but most often it was her dad that was the tougher one. She cringed a bit when realizing that she would probably get her head bitten off in the car ride home. 

…

Eric stood with Officer Rodriguez at the reception, throwing glances over his shoulder, making sure Emma was still there and in return she pretended not to see him. They were waiting for the receptionist to find his daughter's papers when he asked, “So what happened?”

He could feel his head banging inside his forehead, and couldn't wait to go home. Maybe his and Nate's sexcapade hadn't been the best of ideas as it right now felt like he could have needed the extra sleep and energy. He took a deep breath as he listened to the officer. 

“We found her and her friend on North Avenue, near Liberty Alley, both just wandering the street and passing a bottle of alcohol between them so we took them in. Safest that way” He gave Eric a non so subtle hint in upbringing. “They shouldn't be hanging there after midnight”

Eric choose to ignore the remark, the man probably didn't even have kids on his own, so what did he know? “Friend?”

“A boy, his mother just picked him up”

“She was supposed to be at a friend's house for a sleepover, not out with some boy” Eric said and shook his head, feeling the confusion rise. 

“Looks like they both tricked you then, the boy's mother said the same thing” The Officer was then handed the papers.

Eric couldn't have signed them fast enough, he just wanted to get out of there, and hopefully knock some sense into his daughter.   
…

Eric turned the car key and backed out from the police station. The sun had already begun to rise in the ungodly early morning and it cast a soft light over the sleeping town. Only a few early risers out with their dogs were up along with the Langston drunks. 

As they passed Edmond River upon Chestnut Bridge Eric looked down at the water and saw how it glistened from the sun's first humble beams. It made him wish he was up early for completely different reasons; fishing. 

When he'd been younger, Landon and he had regularly been on little fishing trips together, much to the jealousy of Nate. Since Landon passed away he'd continued going on them, alone. It was a certain way for him to clear his mind of any troubling clouds. Only lately, thanks to the documentary from hell, he hadn't had the time to go. And he knew, he desperately needed to.

Quickly glancing at Emma, who still sat quiet with very tight pursed lips, he tried his hardest not to let his anger rush away with him.

With one hand on the steering wheel, Eric pinched the bridge of his nose with the other. His headache made its presence reminded yet again, only this time it felt like it was back with vengeance. 

When deciding upon having kids he had had no false pretense that things would in any way be easy and headache free. However, never had he imagined having to pick them up from the police station.

His relationship with his oldest daughter was anything but easy, and during the latter year things had seemed to go from bad to worse. What bothered him the most was that he always carried around the most unsettling, gnawing feeling in his gut that it was his own fault.

With Anthony and Carrie he had always been able to connect, ever since he'd first seen them. But with Emma things were different. When she had grown up he hadn't been there for her like he should have. That was something he would never forgive himself for. In a way, he hadn't been ready for her arrival and so he had fled many times, causing scars to both his relationship with her and Nate. Without ever voicing his concern to Nate he believed that that was the reason for his and Emma's strained relationship. Nate would only pass it off as her becoming a teenager, but Eric couldn't accept that explanation as easily. What if it was his fault she was beginning to lash out?

The sound of Emma's headphones being turned up to the max threw him out of his thoughts. Immediately, the pounding in his head beat harder. 

Annoyed, he pulled one of the headphones out of her ear. “Turn it down!” he screamed.

For the first time since the police station, Emma spoke, “I can listen to whatever I want!” she argued back and kicked the floor in front of her.

“I will not have you disobeying my orders young lady!” he, without thinking, continued shouting, and forcefully grabbed the iPod from her hands and threw it in the backseat of the car. And then, he froze.

The world was spinning before his eyes, he couldn't believe what he just had said. That was...it wasn't him. Never, never, ever would he allow himself to say those words. 

“Dad look out!!”

Eric snapped back just in time to see two big headlights moving towards them and hearing a long, angry horn ring in his ears. With shrieking tires he floored the brake, managed to steer to the side of the road and came to a full stop. Clenched fingers gripped hard around the steering wheel.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Emma screamed although her voice appeared to be filtered by a thick fog. 

He couldn't have said that to her, could he? No, no, no. He refused to believe it. He'd promised himself.

A rap knock on his window was heard which made him blink.

“Sir! Are you all right?!” 

When Eric didn't look a harder knock came and Emma shook his shoulder, “Dad!”

Finally, he turned his attention to his left and faced the bearded man. With a push of a button, he lowered his window.

“Are you two ok?” The man asked eagerly for an answer. 

Eric swallowed a lump in his throat. “Yes, thank you..,” he gave Emma a quick examining glance. “...we're ok”

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the man in the car, he appeared pretty out of it. He tried making eye contact with him but he kept his gaze forward.

“Are you sure you're ok?” he asked again and stroked the back of his hand under his nose. His question received only a mild nod from the man before him. He glanced over at the young girl who must have been his daughter, even though he noticed no resemblance in their features.

The girl stared back at him. “I'm fine too” she declared annoyed, gave her father another look, folded her arms tightly and sat back in her seat. 

It was then he noticed the small bottle of 'Absolut', laying at the girl's feet, near her bag. An alarming sound went off in his head. “Now, you haven't been drinking have you?” he raised his voice, hoping to catch the man's attention once more. 

Realizing what he suddenly was being accused of, Eric turned back. “What? How dare you? You were the one who almost hit us!” Eric shouted angrily. Then he observed the driver staring at something and Eric followed his eyes' direction, he too noticing the vodka bottle. Furious, he shot a glance at Emma before he turned back to the truck driver. “I haven't been drinking. Now kindly get away from the car!”

The truck driver reluctantly let go of the car. “Crazy” he mumbled.

Eric pushed the window close and watched in the rear-view mirror how the man jumped back up into his truck which was loaded with big logs, probably headed for the Willworth Mill. 

Eric put the gear in first and grabbed the wheel again. “Not a word Emma. Not a fucking word”   
…  
The times Nate had seen his husband really angry were few, so few in fact that he could probably count them on one hand and there would still be fingers left. He was always calm and gathered, Nate's stoic rock in any situation. 

However, lately, he had added a second hand to the calculation and the fingers were being used up worriedly fast. He didn't know if it had something to do with the damn documentary that was nearly killing Eric or the fact that he and Emma seemed to be at each other's throats these days. All the time.  
It saddened Nate to see it but he also realized that it was all part of being a teenager, you would inevitably fight with your parents. Meanwhile, he waited until it was his turn to fall out with her. 

Two hours ago he had added another finger on his hand when Eric furiously had shook him awake, letting him know that he was going to pick Emma up from the police station. Before he even had had a chance to wake up and put some clothes on, Eric was already storming out the door. Emma was in for a scolding to last her a life time. Even he hated crossing Eric when he was on the war path and he was glad it happened so seldom. 

Now, here he was, sitting at the kitchen table in his robe, impatiently drumming his fingers against the hard wood, waiting for them to get home. 

As if on cue, the familiar headlights of Eric's car made their way up the drive way while casting a blinding light into the kitchen. The engine died and two car doors slammed shut. He heard some muffled sounds of an angry voice through the wall and taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for what was about to come as he stepped out to the hall. 

The front door flew open and in barged Eric, his breath heaving with anger and carrying an intense frown on his forehead. He teared off his jacket but still hung it neatly on the coat hangers while Emma with folded arms and a sulky face brushed pass him. She was just about to ascend the stairs when Eric spoke steadily to her, “Just because you're home, doesn't mean you can go to your room and hide” he turned around and sought out her unfriendly stare. “In the kitchen. Now”

Emma shot Nate a pleading glance as she hurtled down the steps and into the kitchen.

Nate threw his arms in the air as he and Eric followed her. “Hey, don't look at me. I don't even know what's going on”

“Oh I'll tell you what's going on” Eric barked behind him before he moved behind Emma who had seated herself. “Emma here was picked up by the police near Liberty Alley”

“What were you doing there?!” Nate's voice came out more high-pitched than intended, an unwilling habit whenever he was upset. Liberty Alley was known mostly for its rave club and sex shop. That and other shady business that occupied the street, including a Chinese herbal medicine store; Mr Yang's. Eric and himself had visited them all but “L'Alley” was not a place he wanted his fifteen year old daughter hanging around. 

“Oh that's not all” Eric spoke with sarcasm. “She wasn't there with the friend she was supposedly sleeping over at. She was there with a boy. Getting drunk”

Nate's face dropped. “What?” Disappointed, he leaned against the counter. They had told her time after time not to start drinking young. Nate knew first hand what it could do to you. After his parent's death, alcohol had been his only way to deal with every day life and things had gotten pretty out of control. Until Eric had put a stop to it. He truly was his lifeline, hero and savior all wrapped up in one. These days he could control his drinking and only let himself enjoy wine at special occasions, like last night. Even though they weren't biological connected he felt a huge wave of guilt wash over him as he found himself wondering if he in some way had contributed to this new behavior. As he didn't know what to say, he lowered his eyes and kept quiet.

“It gets better. On the way home this rolled out of her bag” Eric showed Nate the small vodka bottle. “God knows how you hid that from the police”

“That's not mine!” Emma who had been quiet up till now, finally screamed. “I told you!”

“And we're suppose to believe that?” Eric shouted back. He walked up next to Nate, displaying a united front. 

Nate tried shaking his head clear. “Back up a bit here. Who is this boy you were with?” He tried keeping his voice as calm as possible and he succeeded in a farther extent than Eric. 

Eric spoke directly to him, somewhat calmer, ignoring Emma, “I don't know. His mother picked him up before I got there” he turned the attention back to Emma. “And she refuses to speak!”

“It's none of your business” she spatted. 

Nate stepped in. “Emma, we're your fathers. Whether you like it or not, we have a right to know who you spend your time with”

Any hopes of getting Nate on her side was lost and she sat back, pursing her lips tight again. 

“Fine, sit there. But you have to speak sooner or later 'cause you'll be spending a lot of time in this house. You're grounded for five months” Eric yelled.

“WHAT! That's not fair!”

Even Nate looked at his husband, believing the reprimand was a bit on the harsh side. 

But Eric kept a stern face. “One month for lying. One month for being with a boy we don't know about. One month for drinking. One month for hanging around the Alley and one month for the small bottle you hid from the police. That's five”

Emma hastily stood up, knocking her chair over. “I'm telling you! It's not mine!”

“Enough lying!” Eric yelled.

“I'm not lying!”

Nate bit his lower lip and heavily blinked his eyes. “Just go to your room Emma” he said and slowly shook his head. 

She picked up her bag and stomped up the stairs. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH!”

Nate looked at her as she took the last steps. “We love you too honey. Good night”

His words were received with a frustrated scream and Nate instantly got his desired effect. Returning to the kitchen, he found Eric leaning over the kitchen island, slowly rubbing his temples.

Nate gently stroked his back. “You ok?”

Eric met his eyes and shook it off, not wanting him to worry. “I'm fine” he took a deep breath and glanced towards the stair. “Just a bit mad”

Nate heaved a sigh. “Yeah. What was she thinking?”

“Not at all apparently”

Nate stroked his chin between the thumb and index finger. “You really think that small bottle is hers?” he nodded toward the table where Eric had left it. “She seemed pretty upset”

“She's just mad she got caught. It was right next to her bag Nate”

“Yeah” he smiled sadly. “Guess you don't wanna believe the worst about your kids huh?”

Eric made a single bounce of the eyebrows in agreement and Nate continued, “I'm going to bed. Are you coming?” he asked hopeful. 

“In a bit. I just need to cool down first”

“Ok, I'll probably fall asleep within ten seconds from when my head hit that pillow. Night” Nate said and gave Eric's stubbled cheek a quick peck before disappearing upstairs. 

Eric stood there for a moment, just breathing, trying to collect himself.

I will not have you disobeying my orders young lady!

The words echoed in his head, over and over again. How could he have said them? He shivered at the thought of how many times he had heard them from his father. Often right before he was in for another beating. A long time ago he had promised himself that he would never do anything that remotely reminded him of his father. And here he was, yelling, swearing, giving out orders. It couldn't happen, he wouldn't let it happen. 

He felt the veins throbbing behind his temples and he tried rubbing them again, without much success. “Happy birthday Eric” he mumbled. 

He pawed through the kitchen drawer where they kept all sorts of random things. It had been a long, long night and his head pounded desperately for a release against the pain. When he couldn’t find the Advil in its usual place, next to the band-aids and batteries, he slammed the drawer shut. With a heavy sigh he leaned his forehead against the cupboard while white knuckles clenched the counter in agitation.   
    
He stood there for a few minutes, steadying his breathing, before deciding that simply going to bed was the best thing to do.   
    
“Looking for these?”   
    
Eric spun round and saw Emma leaning against the door frame, holding up the little blue box of salvation.   
    
A fleeting flicker of anger ignited in his eyes before he spoke with a calm voice. “Where were they?” As he tried taking the box from Emma, she took a step back. Momentarily, he clenched both jaw and fists while he stared into Emma’s brown orbits. “Can I have them” He held out his hand, making it very clear that this was not a question, but a parental demand.   
    
Her eyes showed no signs of backing down, neither did she speak. Both of the titans stood firm, staring at each other. It may had been an early, tired morning, but neither of them would declare a defeat. That was a trade all the members of the family shared, perhaps maybe except for Anthony.   
    
Eric spoke through clenched teeth, raising his voice as loud as he could, without the risk of waking Nate. “Emma. Give them to me. Now” With one of his long arms he tried reaching the box again but Emma was faster and held it behind her back.   
    
“No!” she shouted.   
    
Baffled, Eric stepped backwards. He had just about had enough of her for one day. He squinted his eyes. “What do you mean ‘no’?”   
    
“I don’t want you to have them” she stated determinately.   
    
Eric closed his eyes and rubbed both of his temples with one hand. He was sick of this stupid game as his last fuse was nearly gone. “I have a headache” he spoke stern but calm. “I want to go back to bed. You hand them over right now Emma Louise Hagen”   
    
“No” she said again even though she knew her father meant business. It was seldom he used her full  name.   
    
The word shocked Eric for a second before he shot his eyes open, flaming with anger. He was too angry to speak, let alone find words. Emma spoke for him.   
    
“I don’t want you to take any more. I’ve seen you!” she cried. “You’ve had at least ten of them everyday. And daddy doesn’t know about it because you’re too stubborn to tell him that anything is wrong! And you didn’t tell him that we almost hit a truck! And you shouldn’t be some addict!” It was the longest she had said to him in days.   
    
Eric took a deep breath, pushing back the anger in his voice. “Emma, listen to me. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve had a lot of work the past weeks” He took a step closer to her, plastering on a smile. “It’s just Advil. You can’t get addicted on them” he coaxed. “Now, please give them to me and we can both go back to bed”   
    
The pleading seemed to have elicited no feelings of empathy in Emma’s eyes but to Eric’s relief, she took them out from behind her back, although reluctantly.   
    
Emma looked at the box and then back up at her tall father who seemed to hover over her. She was near of giving it to him when a cold fear prickled her neck, and she stopped in motion. Puckering her lips, she gnawed the inside of her cheeks, allowing herself a second to contemplate her next move.   
    
“I will give them to you…” Slowly, she took a small step backwards. “…if you tell daddy about your headaches first” Another small step back.   
    
Eric’s last fuse was shot. “He’s asleep Emma. There’s no point wakening him up for this” He started moving after her, just as slowly. “Now, give them to me. I won’t say it again”   
    
Too late, he had discovered his mistake of thinking this was a winning battle when Emma leaped around the kitchen island, out of reach.   
    
“What are you doing?!” he spatted.   
    
“You are not getting them until you tell daddy” she yelled back.   
    
“This is ridiculous. It’s just a headache Emma. Stop it with your damn games!” His voice was full of anger and nearly shouting.   
    
They stared at each other for a few intense seconds before Eric plunged himself around the island to the right, hoping he would be faster than his daughter.   
    
But Emma was quick, as she too leaped for the right, making them both end up at the place where the other one had started.   
    
Emma was more than testing his patience by now. He threw his hands up in the air. “You know what? Keep them. I think we have some more in the bathroom”   
    
Emma let her tensed shoulders drop somewhat when she allowed herself to relax a bit as she saw Eric turning for the bathroom. She placed the box on the counter, ready to follow him for another fight; she would not allow him to take any painkillers, not anymore. It was then, she suddenly realized that never had she seen any kind of medicine in the bathroom. Ever. And it was then she saw the eagle eyes of her father turn back, fixated on the Advil.   
    
Too late in realizing what was about to happen she tried grabbing the box as Eric came sliding over the island, knocking pots and pans down that were dangling from the ceiling. He stretched his arm out, his fingertips were only inches away when Emma snagged the box away in front of his eyes.   
    
With a hard thud, Eric flew off the counter and came crashing into the wall and down to the floor. Without time to think he was up on his feet, chasing after Emma who was running towards the living room. It didn’t take much effort reaching the girl. Eric grabbed her by the waist and picked her small body up.   
    
Even though she was kicking and screaming, he still managed to hold her in a firm grip. Clenching the box tight to her chest, Eric had to fight hard to get it. His rage was beyond control as he bend her arms open.   
    
“What the HELL is going on!?”   
    
Both motions from Eric and Emma came to an almost comical, sudden halt, they turned and saw Nate standing in the door opening.   
    
Eric stood frozen in his spot, noticing the dark clouds in his husband’s eyes looking back at him.   
    
Oh. Shit. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 3

Stepping into Macy's Bakery shop in West Town was like taking a journey back in time where you could indulge your eyes on old fashioned pastries, have conversations with the town's folk and buy something sweet for your loved ones. It was the kind of place Eric would refer to as 'movie worthy' as it also held a certain old, special charm to it. 

The smell of fresh baked goods met you already out on the street and the little bell above the door chimed friendly as you stepped in. Tiffany looking lamps hung from the ceiling, the glass display sparkled from their light and today, behind the counter stood Macy herself.

“Nate!” she exclaimed friendly, her round cheeks breaking into a warm smile which left you feeling more than welcomed. 

Nate figured she did it with everyone but it still made him feel special, and right now he needed a friendly face. 

“Good seeing you Macy” he responded equally polite. He had probably known her his whole life. She was the same age as his mother and the little bakery shop had been around for as long as he could remember. 

He eyed the different cheesecakes, the coconut chiffon pie - his favorite - , the pear slumps, the snickerdoodles Carrie loved, the lemon meringue pie and much more. 

“What? You lost your tongue today love?” 

Nate looked up at her and smiled briefly. She never was the one to beat around the bush. 

“Am I that obvious?”

“Are you kidding me?” she said, putting her hands on her hips and walked around the counter, closer to Nate. “It's September fifteen right. I know what day it is. You come here every year, usually so charged up that you march right up to the counter and order the New York Cheesecake you always do - which I by the way have ready for you - smile bright and get out again”

Nate couldn't help but laugh. “Sounds like I should try something new”

“And lose my most punctual costumer? I don't think so mister” She stepped closer to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Now, what's wrong love?”

Nate raised an eyebrow and stalled the question, “Aren't I a little bit old to be called that?”

“You're never too old for affection” she said and playfully pinched his cheeks before turning serious, “Now spill it you handsome man”

Nate sighed and turned away his eyes, staring at the inviting sweets once more. He took a deep breath, pondering about what to say. “I'm just worried”

“Are the kids all right?”

Nate looked at her. “Yeah, yeah the kids are fine. It's Eric who worries me. Something is up with him and he's shutting me out again. He hasn't done it for years. Not since...” His voice trailed off thinking about the memories. Another deep breath. “Not since they died” A brave smile escaped his lips. 

Macy put her hand on his cheek. “Aw love. Your mama always said you worried too much” she smiled. “Talk to him. I'm sure you two can work it out. There's nothing a little communication won't solve” 

Nate pursed his lips and nodded. “Yeah.” He badly wanted to believe it, although talking had never been one of Eric's strong suits. 

Right then, the bell chimed again and a new costumer stepped in. They broke apart from their moment of confiding and Macy walked back to her usual place on the other side of the counter. With quick, skilled fingers she tied a string around the blue and pink box.

“Here's that cheesecake for you Nate” She leaned over and whispered, “This one is one me” she said and winked. “Tell Eric happy birthday for me”

“Thanks Macy, I will” he smiled. 

Walking back out into the brisk air, Nate contained a certain bounce to his steps. After talking to Macy, though briefly, he felt better about things and he knew that she was right; he needed to talk with Eric. A real talk. Finding him and Emma this morning had scared him, and there hadn't been much conversation between them, mostly yelling. A lot of angry, ugly and regretful words had been spilled. 

He had been furious seeing Eric treating their daughter like he had. In fact, thinking back, he had been more upset about it than Emma herself. She had yelled something about him eating too many Advils and then Nate hadn't understood what she was talking about but now he did. He had let himself be blindfolded for weeks now, but not anymore. He was going to deal with it, and he was going to do it over some cheesecake.

Nate walked straight on to Langston Park where the leaves had already begun coating the lawn in different shades of yellow and red. Another summer till its end, a new year approaching. To his right he saw some people playing a last game of minigolf for the season and behind them lay one lonely sailboat in their guest harbor. It was usually full of boats in the summer of people passing through Edmond River on their way up to Silver Lake a couple of miles north of Langston. 

“Dad!”

“Daddy!”

Nate turned and dropped to his knees, a huge smile inevitable spreading its way across his face. He put the box of cheesecake down as his youngest children leaped into his open arms. He squeezed them tight. “There you are my little culprits”

“Daddy, let go. Too tight” Anthony squirmed out of his grip.

“Hug me more dad!” Carrie laughed and let herself be swept up into the air, her legs flying free while Nate spun her around. The girl giggled like crazy before she was safely put down to the ground again.

“Well here they are, at your desired drop off place”

The voice came from the lean blond man who had brought them, Dan Zeger. He and his partner Lars had been friends with Nate and Eric for almost ten years now, and they could always count on them to babysit once in a while. Their friendship had started out thanks to Eric and Lars both working at their local TV station, Lars was once of the best cameramen they had.

Nate laughed and shook his head. “You make them sound like some sort of ransom”

Dan folded his arms, his cell phone was clasped tight in one of his hands as it always was. “Well in a way they are”

Carrie caught their attention and raised her arms to Nate. “More dad! Spin me more!”

Anthony rolled his eyes and let out a deep, dramatic sigh. “Do you have to call him that? He's daddy. It's very confusing when you do that”

Carrie stared angrily at her brother. “He's dad!”

Anthony just shook his head in respond. “Whatever” He knew fighting his little sister on this subject was a lost cause. Still, it was very confusing. 

Nate picked up the box of cheesecake, still on the ground. “Why don't you go play over there for a while and we'll be going home in a minute” he said and pointed to the Jungle Gym. 

Carrie run off without further questions while Anthony started walking in the same direction before he turned and looked worriedly at Dan. Dan winked at him behind his thick framed black square glasses, which would look ridiculous on anyone else besides him. Anthony seemed to react the way he wanted as he turned and ran after his more adventurous little sister.

“What was that about?” Nate asked curiously and kept his eyes on his children. 

“Sorry, can't tell you. That's between the kid and myself”

“Fair enough” Nate nodded, knowing all too well the importance of secrets to his son.

“Now, you got the ransom. My turn to get something.”

Nate turned to him with knitted brows. “A 'thank you'?” he asked amused. 

“Nah, I won't let you of that easy” Dan said while he watched Carrie swoosh down the slide, making sure the kids were out of eavesdrop distant. He turned to Nate. “Tell me what the hell is going on with Eric”

–

Carefully, Eric opened his eyes to a narrow slit before he closed them again. He wasn't sure what the time was, taking a wild guess it must had been somewhere around midday though he had heard Nate leave the house not too long ago. On his way to pick up the kids, he figured. Lars and Dan were supposed to come over and drop them off but as things were right now, it wasn't such a bright idea. Instead, he had gotten up and made matters worse by calling and yelling at Lars that he would need extra material to the documentary. Now, he wasn't sure why he had done it. That behavior wasn't him. 

Eric tried stretching his body that had been curled up on their sofa, which wasn't nearly big enough for what all of the 6'4” of him required in order to be able to sleep well. Not that he deserved it. His feet dangled over the edge of the sofa and he shivered as they hit the cool air. He tried wrapping the quilt tighter around him but it wasn't big or thick enough to warm him. 

It had been a while since one of them had to sleep on the sofa, and if he remembered correctly it had been Nate down here the last time. Probably for something caused by both of their stubborn streaks and probably something that would seem really trivial right now. Not like this. He had a hard time wrapping his mind around what really had happened this morning. And some parts just felt blank from his memory. Like a really bad hangover, only he hadn't been drunk. Maybe Emma was right, maybe he had been downing too many Advils. He needed to apologize for what he had done. Big time. 

When he finally managed to fully open his eyes he saw Emma standing in the doorway between the living room and kitchen. She looked bored, as she always did, and was chewing rather loudly on something that looked like a big bunch of red Twizzlers in her hand. 

Leaning against the door frame, she studied her father come to life. To be frank, he looked like shit. She took another bite of the Twizzlers and decided to chew a little louder. That was the least she could do to annoy him. He damn well deserved it. Why couldn't he realize she just wanted what was best for him? And Nate wasn't any better, he hadn't listened at all, he'd just started shouting as soon as he'd seen them fighting. Why did her dads had to be so lame? 

She couldn't wait to get out of the house, but she couldn't. For five freaking months. It should had been four, bot no one had believed her on that one so she would just keep her mouth shut. Most of all she wished she could see Ryan again. They had been dating for the past three months but she hadn't told a soul. They would just say she was too young to date and her fathers would never let her see him again. 

When Eric finally had rubbed the sleep out of his eyes she decided that now was a good time to talk. “Good, you're awake. I'm hungry. Make me lunch” she said rather bitterly. 

Eric chose to ignore the comment, she was old enough to make her own lunch and this was just an attempt to agitate him. “What time is it?”

“Almost two” she answered short. 

“Is daddy back yet?”

“What do you think?” she replied snarky and chewed off a big piece of the red candy.

If the time was 2 pm already he knew they would be back soon, which meant he had to get his ass in gear. He had barely swung his legs over the sofa before he felt the headache rush back. “Shit” he mumbled and grabbed his head.

Emma rolled her eyes and stared angrily at him, she was not going to budge today. She popped the last piece of Twizzlers into her mouth. 

Shocked, Eric noticed, when Emma had brought her hand to her mouth, the bruise around her wrist. A colossal wave of shame and guilt seemed to drown him in that moment and he hung his head low, unable to face her. “Emma. I'm sorry. I really am. I never meant to hurt you like that, I don't know what happened really”

When Emma didn't say anything he looked up at her. A few tears of shame were prickling his eyes. “I'm sorry” he whispered almost inaudible. 

Emma didn't really know what to do or where to look. It was the first time her father had apologized like this to her and it felt really strange. Any possible response she could come up with sounded really lame in her head, too film cliché-ish. Come on, who really uttered the words 'I forgive you' except some overly sweet couple in a chick flick. 

They stared at each other for a few minutes more before she came up with the perfect response. She simply raised her nose slightly, turned sharply on her heels without a word said and made a dramatic exit. Just the way she liked it. Because, yeah, her father would probably feel a bit worse. 

Eric sighed deeply as he saw her leave and knew he had to get out of there.

–

Nate stared at Dan and felt the panic and confusion rise within. What did he know? Or worse, how much did the kids know about what was wrong with their dad and what had they told Dan and Lars?

He stuttered. “I..I..I'm not sure..What do you mean?”

“He called a couple of hours ago” Dan tightened his black blazer as a cold wind swept over them. “He started bitching at Lars for god knows what, telling him he needed some new material before Monday, I think, so Lars is at LNTV right now” He pointed in the direction of the tv-station, not far from there. “No offense Nate, but I thought bitching was sort of more your thing”

“Non taken” Dan was right, it was, he thought and smiled to himself. However, he couldn't imagine Eric going off like that on Lars on a Saturday morning, it wasn't like him. Then again, it had been an awful night and morning, no wonder if he wouldn't be his real self. He needed to get the kids home, and he needed to have that talk with Eric, now adding one more thing on the list of conversations. 

He couldn't imagine how unpleased Lars was at this moment. His appearance may have had the resemblance of a big Nordic viking but on the inside he was kind and sweet as a teddybear. Except when he got mad - because when he got mad, he got MAD. In capitals. 

“Eric is so dead on Monday isn't he?” The image of Lars biting Eric's head off was, to his shame, a bit amusing at this point as he thought he deserved it. 

“Yeah. Pretty much”

“If I don't kill him first that is”

–

On the other side of Langston, from where Nate and Dan were talking, a different kind of bell chimed when entering the store. It was less friendly as the one at Macy's, eerie even. The smell that met you was anything but pleasant, your nostrils flinched and your eyes needed adjustment to the poor illumination. No tall persons were able to walk up straight in the store as leaves and roots hung low from the ceiling and everywhere along the walls were big glass jars with suspiciously looking content. In the middle was a table with big plastic boxes full of what looked like small, dried animals of some sort. The only signs that existed were them in Chinese.

At the counter in the murky room stood a girl with her hand reached out in front of the clerk. It was a small, well manicured hand, so thin in fact that you could see the icy blue veins go across it. 

“Can I please have it?” the girl spoke demandingly and stretched out her hand further.

“It's too stlong fol you little girl” the short Chinese man said and held back a brown paper bag, reluctantly eying the stranger he'd never seen in his store before. 

“Well, as I already told you” she spoke matter-of-factly. “It's for my brother”

“Why he not pick it up himself?” 

The man was really testing her patience and she clenched her jaw and spoke as calmly as she could through gritted teeth. “He's sick. He can't move. This helps to make him relax against the pain.” she smiled as kindly as she could. “You don't want him in pain do you?”

At last, the man gave her the brown bag but not without an angry stare at her first. 

She snatched it out of his hands, threw some money on the counter, not waiting for any change, before she sneaked out of the store, carefully making sure no one saw her leaving Mr Yang's. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 4

“Numb” 

deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move.  
incapable of action or of feeling emotion. 

“Zizyphus”

a herb known for its hypnotic and sedative properties.  
used in traditional Chinese medicine. 

 

Planning something sinister had never been a thing she could have ever seen herself do, yet she was doing it again. Here she was, skillfully mixing the ingredients. It needed to be done, no one made her feel little. Not again. Never again. 

Numb. It captivated her mind, made everything else feel small, pointless, stupid. 

“Relax...” she whispered, stretching the word, making her tongue rattle as a snake. 

–

Numb was a good word for summing up most of Eric's feelings at that very moment. 

Even though it was in the afternoon, the grass was still moist from the morning dusk as the sun had failed to warm it under the big tree where Eric sat. He began to feel the chill through the fabric of his old worn out jeans. He leaned back against the cool stone and looked up at the old oak above. A single red leaf let go from its branches and sailed down onto Eric's lap. He picked it up, tracing the veins with his eyes.

“Very subtle” he said with a sad smile on his lips. “I still don't know what to do”

Or maybe it wasn't so much about what to do, he needed to apologize, he knew that, over and over again, but the thing he didn't know was; would he be forgiven? 

It had been a long, blessed time since he had allowed himself to screw up in this way. Not since Emma had been little and he had fled out to New York, excusing himself with that it was for a directing career. After that episode, something he didn't like thinking about, he had sworn he would never go back to that dark place in his mind. And now he had. The reality of it hurt.

He looked down at his mother's stone, wishing, as he always did when he came here, that he would have had a chance to gotten to know her as a grown up. There were only blurry memories left of her from when he'd been really young. Having been a slightly awkward and odd kid when growing up, she had been his best friend. They were an inseparable team. Especially against his father and his, at times, tyrannic ways. She would always protect him, always be on his side, no matter what. Until that day when she was suddenly gone. That was one memory that wasn't blurry. He remembered all too well how his father had suddenly wanted them to move, how sad he'd been over his mother leaving them without any goodbyes, how the abusive relationship had gone from bad to worse, how people had asked about his bruises and how the police had finally come knocking on the door almost four years later. After that he'd been put into foster care for the two years to come, until he turned 18. They had placed him in a slumber little town called Langston, which he had protested against, but when he met a blond boy named Nate in his new school he had stopped. Things had finally begun to look bright again. 

Nate and his family had turned his whole life around and showed him the love and kindness he hadn't experienced since his mother had so brutally been taken from him by his own father. After his foster parents had disapproved of him being gay he had even moved in with the Snyders. Eric wiped away a tear at the memory. He would always be grateful towards them. 

Whenever he needed to think or when something was troubling his mind he usually went here, to the graveyard. First he would make a stop at the O'Connor Family grave, give the latest news on their son and grand children, before he would make his way to his mother. 

There, he could sit quiet for hours, asking questions to her and through Eric's mind she would channel the answers back to him. With no doubt, were the answers his very own, but still, it was highly therapeutic.

Standing up from the cold ground, he lingered at the grave a while longer, not yet ready to leave. This time, he wasn't so sure he had gotten the answers he wished for. 

–

Nate stood outside Emma's door, for some reason hesitating to knock. He needed to talk to her before Eric got back, who apparently was at the cemetery as he'd left a note. He took it as a good sign that he'd gone there as he knew all too well the good it did his husband when it came to thinking things through. The silence of the place was something he could see Eric appreciating. He wasn't sure how long he'd been gone and if he should start worrying. He absolutely hated when he closed everyone off like this, although Nate knew he hadn't given him much choice to explain himself that morning. If any explaining to his behavior could be done. Now he needed to know Emma was, after everything, ok. 

At the end of the corridor he saw the door to Anthony's room being open and the boy himself was intensely and silently working on what looked like one of his many Lego cars. Without making his presence known he stood there watching the boy for a while. Everything about him was mirrored through Eric. The calm, almost coy streak about him, the thoughtfulness. They way they were both introvert, sometimes closing them off a bit too much from the other world. But also the gentle and kind side. 

The sudden sound of someone dropping something yanked him out of the thoughts. He heard his youngest daughter mutter incoherently from downstairs. Looking back at Emma's door he found himself wondering when she'd become a teen? And when had things become so complicated?

People had always warned him about teenagers and he had gotten his fair share of them when raising Justin but they had never been prepared for what Emma had been up to for the last one and a half years. She was growing up. Fast. 

Carefully knocking on the door he waited for an answer but there was none. Slowly, he opened the door and entered the small room which was only lit by sun light. Emma sat on the bed, legs crossed, her beloved pink sneakers on, leaning against the wall with her eyes closed and listened to music through her headphones. 

Nate reached out for the headphones when Emma startled opened her eyes.

“Jeez, what about knocking!?” she jumped off the bed while Nate took a seat on it.

“I did, you didn't hear”

There was a short silence between them. 

Nate looked around the room. When did the children books get traded in for horror movies and punk posters? Or when did the wardrobe start consisting of mainly black, black and black? His oldest daughter stood with her arms crossed, looking unwilling to talk. 

“Can't you sit down?”

“I'd rather stand”

“Ok”

Emma refused to look him in his eyes and just chewed on her lip while the low beat of a drum could be heard from the headphones dangling around her neck.

Nate shifted his body and leaned against the wall. For a moment he pondered what to say when his eyes were drawn to the bruises around her wrists and his heart started pounding. “Oh my god” He got off the bed and rushed up to her, taking one of her arms in his hand for a closer look. “Jeez Emma. Honey, I didn't know it was this bad. I'm so sorry”

She pulled her arm away, slipping one under the other. “What are you sorry about. Wasn't your doing” she said calm. “Besides, dad already apologized when he woke up”

“Still, it should never have happened” He drew her close “Are you sure you're ok?”

“It's not me you should worry about” she answered and pulled away, tightly folding her arms.

With a heavy sigh, Nate dropped hard down onto her bed. With his palms, he rubbed his face and then his temples. “Emma...what happened this morning?” When no answer was provided, he pleaded, “I need to know”

Biting her lip, she slowly let her guard down as she saw the worry in her father's eyes. She took the seat next to him. “Didn't dad tell you?” she asked cautiously. 

Nate folded his hands and put them to his chin. “I don't think I gave him much of a chance” There was a tightening in his chest written with guilt but he shook the feeling away, knowing he shouldn't put this upon himself. 

Emma looked at him fighting his feelings. “He didn't tell you we almost hit a truck on our way back from the police station?” 

Nate's eyes shot up on her. “What?!” 

Rolling her eyes, Emma scooted back on the bed. “Guess not”

“What do you mean almost hit a truck?”

“Just that! Almost hit a truck. I was listening to music, dad pulled out my headphones, I got mad, he said something about obeying orders, next thing I knew we we're steering away from the truck and stopping on the side of the road.”

Nate listened intensely. “Then what?” 

She sighed. “Then the truck driver came to check on us, and daddy,” she paused and looked at Nate. “Dad was acting really weird. Not that it surprises me” she added. 

“What do you mean?” This was getting more complicated by the minute Nate thought. His wild imagination was running free, coming up with all sorts of ideas. He needed answers. 

“He was just acting really gone, like numb or something. Then I figured it had finally become too much for him”

Her way of speaking made Nate question everything even more. “Too much of what?” 

“Well the Advil of course. Jeez, don't tell me you haven't noticed?”

“I've seen him take more of them lately, yes”

“Are you kidding me? He's taken like tons of them. That's why I decided yesterday, before I left for...” her voice trailed off before she'd reveal anything about seeing a guy. “Well before I left, I took the Advils from the medicine drawer. And this morning, after you'd gone to bed, I went up and down to the kitchen again. Just like I thought, dad was there looking for them”

Nate shook his head. “That doesn't make sense Emma, why did you take them?”

Her anger suddenly rose. “I told you! He's been eating way too many of them”

The conviction in her voice was strong and Nate found himself staring at her. “What do you know Emma?” 

Pursing her lips, she hesitated and squinted her eyes. “What do I get in return?”

“What do you know?” he repeated. 

“What do I get?”

“Fine. One month cut off from your curfew” 

“Two”

“Don't push it” Nate said sternly. 

With a sigh, she pushed herself up from the bed, took her desk chair out, placed it next to the bookshelf and lifted down a white paper box labeled 'Poems'. She went back to the bed, put down the box and opened it before Nate. In it lay Eric's old camera which she had inherited and between twenty, thirty DV tapes. 

“What's all this?”

“Up till last night I used to hid this in the kitchen, have it filming all evening, night and morning. I just connected it to a hard drive and saved some of it on these tapes” she explained as it'd been the simplest thing in the world.

Nate felt his face flush, knowing what he and Eric had been doing in the kitchen last week. “Y-y-you filmed the kitchen. All night?”

Emma looked up at her father's red face and cleared her throat. “I kinda fast forwarded those parts and covered my eyes ok. And yeah, I'm so not eating from that counter again”

Nate hid his face in his hands and leaned forward, he couldn't believe this. This was not a conversation you were suppose to have with your fifteen year old daughter. “Oh jesus” he breathed.

How the hell would he explain this to her, they hadn't even had the birds and the bees conversation yet. Or in this case, the bees and the bees, or whatever. He was beyond mortified. He put on his best parental voice, “You see Emma, sometimes things can go a bit fast, and you might end up in different places..when...when.. you're..aroused.” he puffed out the last word.

Emma quickly covered her ears. “Daddy! Jeez! I'm fifteen. I know about sex ok!” 

Nate nodded “Ok ok”, when it suddenly dawned on him that she'd been out with a boy all night. Eric and he had been horrible parents not talking about this with her before. “This boy you were with. You haven't...” he let the question hang in the air, hoping she would pick up on it.

Covering her own face, she turned just as red as Nate had been a moment ago, this was not how this conversation should have turned out. Admittedly, they had both thought about it, and had been near doing it, but yet hadn't. “I haven't, ok?”

Nate heaved a sigh of relief. “Ok. And please don't. We should have had this conversation a long time ago really. Now is not the time though. Eric and I will both talk with you. Soon” he added and mentally scolded himself for putting it off. 

“You really don't have to do that” she tried, knowing if this continued he would want to know who Ryan was.

“Emma, if you're seeing someone...”

“He's no one. We're just friends” she cut him off. 

“Well if it's no one, how come you hung out with him? And why did you lie and say that you were going to a friend?”

Tightly pursing her lips she struggled to find the right answer. “Because he's technically a friend. Or does a friend need to be a girl?”

Nate ignored the question. “Emma, I don't want you drinking alcohol.”

“Fine. Whatever. Can we get back to the reason why you're here now?!”

He knew she was diverting him, but he also knew they were slipping away from the subject of matter. He made a mental note to have the alcohol/sex talk with her later. Even though he didn't want to think of the embarrassing tapes he pushed himself and asked, “So these tapes, what possessed you to make them?”

“I wanted to see just how many Advils he's been taking” She lowered her eyes for a moment before she dared to meet Nate's eyes. “Daddy, he's been taking a lot”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don't know” She honestly didn't. “I thought I would talk to dad about it first, so that was what I tried doing this morning” She sighed. “Unfortunately, he went a bit crazy. The rest you know”

Afraid to ask the next question, he closed his eyes while the words slipped his mouth. “How many have you filmed him taking?”

“Over a hundred. And that's only nighttime” 

Nate gave another deep sigh, not knowing what to say. He tried wrapping his mind around it all, tried remembering Eric's behavior the last month. He had been complaining about headaches from time to time, but whenever Nate had asked about it he had passed it off as stress due to work. But now, knowing what he knew, could it be that Eric somehow had become addicted to them? He wasn't even sure that you could become addicted to normal painkillers. Nothing made sense to him. And how come he had missed all of this and Emma had seen it so clearly?

“How did you...How come you suspected something and I didn't?” There was a hint of hurt in his voice. 

She sat back on the bed. “I don't know really. He hasn't been so happy” she said sadly.

It was true, Nate thought and wondered when his daughter had become so insightful and resourceful. Confused, he stood up. “Thanks for showing me. I have to...” His thoughts were all over the place. He never suspected things to be as bad as they were. “I should have known. I should have known something” he yelled at himself. “I should have seen something. I'm so stupid!” 

Emma sat still on the bed, not knowing what to say as she had never seen her father like this, when they both heard a car outside the house. 

–

Pulling in to the driveway he parked next to Nate's blue BMW Sedan. Taking a deep breath he stepped out of his car and up to the house.

“Daddy!” It was Carrie who opened the front door and came rushing towards him, barefoot, with a paper waving in her hand. “Happy birthday daddy! I got something for you!” she smiled brightly and came crashing into him.

Eric scooped her up in his arms and nuzzled in his nose in her long curly hair. Ever since she'd been a baby she had had really thick hair. He gathered her tiny feet in one hand to warm them up. “You'll get cold running out like this” Not that she cared, she never seemed to be freezing. No wonder really, the child wasn't still for a second. 

She just giggled at him, held his head with both hands and gave him an affectionate, big smooch on his cheek. The paper in her hand scratched his neck.

“What do you got there honey?” 

“It's a present for you. Lars helped me. Do you like it?” She asked proudly and held it out for him to see. 

Eric took the drawing in his hand. Nate and he probably had thousands of them but each one of them was unique. The most memorable ones they saved in a box, one for each of their kids, with their names on it. Carrie's box was probably the biggest and she had enough crayons scattered all over the house to fill a toy store. 

“Let's see here” he said, and looked at the stick men in the drawing, all with their names above. She had drawn what looked like their house and in front of it stood five figures and in the corner was something that looked like a dog. Subtle, he thought and smiled amused, knowing that his youngest daughter had been nagging them for a dog for at least the past year. For a child, that must have been a life time. 

“You have a camera in your hand. And dad has a book” she explained. 

“I see. What is Emma and Anthony carrying then?” He couldn't really make out what they had in their hands. 

Carrie gave a small sigh and explained further, “It's a car of course” she said and pointed at Anthony. “And Emma has thunder in her hand”

Eric shot up an eyebrow. “Thunder?”

“Yeah 'cause thunder sounds so loud and so does Emma when she's mad” Carrie put her elbow onto Eric's shoulder and looked at him, in a very grown up way. “And she's always mad”

Eric had to stifle a laugh at the comment. “Come on, let's go inside” he said and carried her towards the house. 

They were met by Anthony in the doorway who, as always, had a cautious look upon his face. 

“Hey Anthony” Eric said and affectionately ruffled his hair and stepped inside, no sign of Nate. “Did you have a good time at Lars and Dan's?”

Anthony nodded his head and motioned with his finger for Eric to come closer. Eric squatted down and let Carrie down on the floor who run off. “What's up?” he asked carefully.

Anthony glanced back, making sure they were alone. “Is daddy mad at you?”

Very few things went past his son. “What makes you say that?”

Anthony just shrugged his shoulders.

“Don't worry buddy. It'll be ok” Eric reassured him and stood up. Suddenly, there was Nate, looking at them both. There wasn't really any emotions to read from his face, at least he didn't look mad. But he didn't really look happy either. 

“Anthony, can you go get Emma and Carrie, time to eat.” Nate said and with a worry in his eyes, Anthony tossed a glance at Eric before he bolted up the stairs. 

“Nate..I..” Eric started before Nate cut him off.

“I have some take-out and dessert. We'll talk after dinner”

Eric bit his lip and simply nodded, knowing he deserved everything that was coming to him. 

–

Eric slowly walked up the stairs, he tossed a glance at Emma's door. She hadn't been down for dinner, not that he could blame her. The dinner had been one of their quieter ones, Carrie had of course been babbling as usual and Anthony had worriedly looked back and forth between Nate and him. They had tried making small talk to keep up appearance for the kids but everything they had said had seemed strained. 

He saw Nate coming out from Carrie's room, their eyes met for a second of silence before Nate spoke, “I'll be waiting on the porch”

Eric gave him a simple nod in response. He went to Anthony's open door and knocked lightly on the door frame. His headache made a swift appearance by the sound but quickly passed. 

“Time for bed” he spoke softly and watched his son who was glued to the floor, pieces of Lego scattered around him.

Anthony dejectedly looked up at him and raised both eyebrows. 

Eric quickly spotted the problem “Need any help there buddy?”

Anthony rested his chin in his hands. “Yes” 

Eric willed himself down onto the floor and looked at the red pieces around them, knowing exactly which one of the Lego cars it was this time. “Let's see here” he said and gathered the first parts. 

Together they tried assembling the pieces back together, one by one, working in silence until Anthony got a thoughtful look upon his face and stared at Eric. 

Eric raised a brow. “Something wrong?”

“I've been thinking”

“Oh yeah?” Another one of his son's long and deep thinking sessions. Sometimes Nate or he would find him on his bed just staring at the ceiling. And when they would ask what he was doing they would always get the same answer; Just thinking. As simple as that. 

“Do you know what I like about having two dads?”

Eric smiled to himself, this didn't belong to the usual subjects of his son's thoughts. “What's that?” He asked as casually he could.

“You can both help me build Lego”

Eric tried hard to suppress a laugh. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. Tim asked his mom once if she could help him but she was useless, but both you and daddy are really good at it”

“Why thank you” Eric said, put together the last piece and hoisted himself up again as he ruffled his son's hair. Anyone would be good at Lego if you compared them to Tim Finch's mom who seemed to be taken out of Bimbo's Weekly. 

“Time for bed buddy”

–

After seeing Anthony to bed and kissing Carrie good night, Eric stepped out onto the porch where Nate sat waiting with a cup of coffee in his hand. Nate glanced up at him and held out a plate of cheesecake. “Thought you might like the last slice”

Eric took it. “Thanks. Still can't believe you bought it.”

“Well the kids would have wondered if I hadn't. Besides, Macy would have been disappointed”

Eric smiled, knowing how well Macy knew what he liked to eat on his birthday. 

Nate turned serious. “Sit”

Cautiously, Eric did as told. He sat down onto the white wooden chair next to Nate. 

Nate repeatedly stroked his chin, not knowing where to start. “I talked to Emma. And Dan.”

Eric couldn't do anything but nod. Luckily, the headache did not make an appearance. He drew a deep breath. “I'm sorry”

“You don't even know what they said”

“No, but I have a pretty good idea” Eric said quietly. 

“Dan said you'd been having a go at Lars this morning”

Much to his shame, Eric nodded again. 

Nate shrugged his shoulders. “What the hell is going on Eric?” Even though he already knew the answer he wanted to hear the truth from Eric's own lips. 

Chewing the inside of his cheeks, Eric put the untouched cheesecake down onto the arm of the chair. Looking down, he drew a deep breath before exhaling slowly, collecting his thoughts. He looked up and out over the O'Connor lake, the last beams of the sun were hitting the water. It was a familiar and safe vision he happily drank in. On the other side of the small lake, in between the trees, whose leaves had begun to fall, he could see the estate where he'd grown up with Nate, the same place where Helen and Matt now lived. This was usually a favorite spot of his to be, he would sit and read the latest script from work during the days while casting a protective eye on the children playing by the water.

In the evenings he would sit quietly, looking up at the clear sky with all its stars. The shrieking sound from little Anne, Helen and Matt's daughter, would sometimes echo over the lake. At the horizon to his right he would see the lights from Langston reflect upon the night sky. Occasionally, Nate would be out here with him. Both of them snuggled up close together under a blanket Nate had brought, along with two cups of chocolate, completed with whipped cream. A childlike indulgence they still enjoyed. 

With fear of looking at Nate, Eric kept his gaze forward and finally spoke, “These headaches I've been having...” He paused for a moment, revising his next words. Unbeknownst that Nate already knew the truth, he continued, “After having picked up Emma, it got a bit worse. Well, then you know what happened” he said and lowered his head. “When I woke up I called Lars and well, I was mad. Mad and sick at the damn project and I just want it over with so I can stop having these headaches. I came down a bit hard on him” Eric gave Nate a shy smile. “He'll chew my head off come Monday”

When his attempt to ease the tense atmosphere and coax a smile out of Nate failed, implied by Nate's still serious face, he cleared his throat. 

Before he could continue, Nate questioned him, “So, these headaches, they're nothing but a cause of stress from work?”

“Yes!” Eric agreed eagerly, taking no notice of Nate's mocking tone. “Once we get the documentary ready, my boss will get off my case, the headaches will stop and things will get back to normal”

Nate locked his brown eyes to Eric's blue. “You hurt Emma”

Eric broke away from his husband's glare. “I know. I...”

Nate cut him off. “You bruised her. I hope that's not your perception of “normal”” he said, making air quotes in a sarcastic manner. 

“No!” Eric shot back. “Jeez Nate, who do you take me for? I apologized to her when I woke up and I know that's not enough. I will never forgive myself for hurting her like that. I don't know what I was thinking” 

Staring into empty space before him, Nate repeatedly shook his head. “Just stop it” he hissed. “Stop lying to me!”

Eric gave him a confused look. “Nate, I'm not lying..”

“I know everything!” he shouted and quickly came to his feet, leaving a baffled Eric sitting. “I talked with Emma” Nate started pacing back and forth in front of Eric's weary eyes. “You haven't just. You...it's not...” Out of anger, he stumbled over his words. He stopped and looked at Eric. “It's not just headaches is it?” His voice seemed to calm somewhat and anger was traded for sorrow. “Emma showed me...” Nate bit his tongue, not certain he should finish the sentence. 

“Showed you what?” Eric demanded.

Nate tentatively rubbed his forehead. “She filmed you”

“She did what!?” The anger in Eric's voice roared throughout the front of the house. This couldn't be happening. He didn't need this, not now. He just needed things to calm down at work and all could go back to how it used to be. Why wouldn't anyone see that?

Even though anger was racing through his body like a gunpowder fuse he felt chained to the chair, so taken aback by what was happening. 

Nate dropped to his knees in front of him and grabbed both of his hands. “I know it's more than headaches Eric. You've been eating a lot of Advil, I know that” Seeing Eric's confused expression made him pause, but he eventually pushed himself to go on. “We can get through this. If it's an addiction...”

Eric snapped at the word and pushed Nate away, almost making him fall back, when hastily standing up. “Addiction?! Is that what you think? That's what Emma accused me of this morning!” Just as Nate, he started pacing the wooden floor. “What lies has she been feeding you?!”

Within a nano-second, Nate's anger was just as vast as Eric's. “She hasn't been feeding me anything. She's been filming you Eric. You've been eating over a hundred painkillers in the last month alone! Do you really think that's normal!?”

Eric stopped and stared at him. His head was spinning, but much to his own surprise, it wasn't aching. He couldn't believe Emma actually had filmed him, that Nate knew, but most of all that they both were convinced that he was an addict of some sort. 

Calmly, he spoke to Nate again, “It's just been headaches. Severe ones, I'll admit, but just headaches. I'm not an addict. You have to believe me” he pleaded while narrowing the distance Nate maintained between them. Seeing Nate take a step back painted a hurt frown upon his face. “Nate...”

Nate held up his hands. “Please. Just stop” He couldn't bare listening any longer. Eric wasn't seeing anything of what he and Emma were. “I don't want you to lie anymore”

“I'm not” Another step forward and Nate backed again. “I'm not lying” He could feel himself starting to panic. This was insane. He wasn't addicted to painkillers. The hurt look in Nate's eyes told him differently. “I'm not lying Nate!” he cried. 

Could it be that he somehow unconsciously was? Had he ignored the signs for too long? Was he trying to numb something else than the pain? But the headaches had been real, were real. He was certain of it. The confusion made him drop down in the chair again, like a sack of potatoes, looking utterly lost. He hid his face in his hands while thoughts were spinning, making the world look askew. 

He had been filmed. Caught, red-handed. But the accusations were preposterous. It was just headaches. He'd been so angry at Emma this morning, he needed Nate to know why. Maybe then he would believe him.

Before he had a chance to open his mouth, Nate's sad tone came from above. “Emma told me about you almost hitting that truck”

And then, a dam burst. 

Eric's body turned into a shivering, sobbing heap with his face deeply buried in his knees and hands covering the back of his head. Nate fell to the floor next to him and took him in his arms, gently rocking him. He felt Eric's arms reach around him and desperate fingers cling to his shirt. When the tears finally eased, Eric dared, with watery blue pools, look up and face Nate. He swallowed as fear built up.

“I could have killed us” he whispered. 

Nate didn't know how to respond, it was the addiction's real fault, that he was convinced of, so he simply put his forehead to Eric's, sighing deeply. Together he knew they could fix this.

He listened as Eric slowly continued, “I had a headache again. I was mad at Emma. She got mad back...”

“You've been mad at each other before, that doesn't mean you nearly ran yourself off the road” True concern shone in Nate's eyes, trying to grasp what was happening. “If it was because of your...” he stopped himself in mid-sentence. “Because you hadn't got any Advil...”

“No!” Eric untangled himself from Nate's grip. “It wasn't like that” he fiercely protested. 

Deciding he wanted to hear more now that Eric was finally opening up, Nate remained quiet. He gently squeezed Eric's forearm, ushering him to go on. 

“I froze Nate. I froze because..” His voice cracked. “I sounded like him. Like my father.” He drew a deep breath before he could go on. “I told her I won't have her disobeying my orders. I sounded like him Nate. I'd promise myself to never ever...never...” Eric began shaking his head as he repeated the word.

He was stopped by Nate who took his head in his hands and pulled him close, close to him. “It's going to be ok” Nate whispered soothingly into his ear. 

In that moment, Nate vowed to himself that he would help Eric beat this. With the help of a professional he knew he could. 

In the same moment, Eric felt immensely grateful that Nate finally believed him. It was just headaches. They would pass, didn't they always? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 5

The man sighed deeply at the question and visibly chewed at the inside of his lower lip as though giving himself a minute to ponder about it. He averted his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in thoughts as the camera zoomed in on his face. 

Without looking in the camera's direction, he spoke, “You know..” Some more lip chewing was done, followed by a hard bite on his thumb nail. He folded his hands and sat with wide spread legs, letting one knee swiftly bob. “I had this girlfriend who was pregnant. She OD'd” He looked back in the camera's direction. “I gave her some of my stash. She died” 

Eric heard his own voice, “And that's when you decided to become clean?” 

The man smirked, removed his cap, frayed around the edges, and scratched his forehead. “No man. That's when I decided to die”

00:34:26:03 STOP. CUT. 

Eric found himself staring at the empty expression in James' eyes and couldn't help but feel sorry for him, even though they had been specifically told not to by James himself. But the homeless man he and Lars had been following for the past five months wasn't here now to tell him to stop, neither did they know where he was as he two weeks earlier had seemed to fall off the face of the planet. 

They had turned upside down on every stone, had had close contact with the police and hospital, both in Langston and the towns nearby but nothing had turned up. They needed to find him in able to finish the project which deadline was quickly approaching. He never did answer the question as to why he became clean as they had been disrupted before they could continue. It now looked like they would never know the answer. 

Eric was convinced that all this worrying was the reason why his headaches had begun coming more frequently. During the five months they had gotten to know each other, and even if Eric may not have labeled them as friends, James had still become someone whose welfare he cared and was concerned about. Thinking about it caused a deep frown to his forehead. 

There had been no hint that he would take off previous to their last interview and Eric, even if no body had been found, feared the worst. That, or he had had a relapse, even if that was something both he and Lars refused to believe. He'd been homeless for nearly ten years which three of them had been clean.

Eric closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. In all the chaos of everything that was going on things somehow felt comforting in here. The darkness of an editing room always did have a positive effect on him. Despite it being a Monday, things felt, in a lack for a better word; ok. There had been no new headaches since his and Nate's talk and he had spent most of his Sunday reading a new script that'd been sent to him, he was always on the look out for a good spec script he wanted to produce and direct. 

The situation with Emma was still strained, especially this morning when she'd refused for him to drive her to school and had decided that taking the bus would be a better option, something she, to quote herself; “didn't do”. 

The only one left to deal with was Lars, who he'd so cowardly hidden from all morning in the editing room. Maybe it wasn't so much the darkness of it that felt calming, but more that the room actually had a lock. 

As if on cue, there was a rap at the door and the person behind it did not bother in waiting for an answer as he heard a key unlock the door. There were only two people who had the key to the room, one was himself, the other one was...

Lars, who was now standing inside the room, looking at him. Eric wasn't sure whether or not his facial expression was one of calm or anger, and the darkness didn't help. With a push of a button Lars lit the room, making Eric's eyes squint as they adjusted to the new light. 

“Morning” Eric said rather shamefully, feeling a bit embarrassed that he hadn't faced up to Lars yet.

“You can run, but you can't hide from me you know” Lars responded, his Nordic accent was evident under his deep voice despite his eleven years in the States. He folded his arms and waited patiently for Eric to continue. 

Eric made a single gulp and looked into Lars' blue, determined eyes. “I'm sorry about Saturday. I shouldn't have gone off on you like that” 

Lars remained quiet. Eric narrowed his eyes and studied the uncharacteristically calm Lars. “Why aren't you madder? Should I be scared?” 

Lars shrugged his shoulders, “There's no point really. What's done is done” He avoided to reveal that Nate had called him and Dan up the previous day, telling them what was going on with Eric and specifically asking Lars to keep an eye out. 

“O-ok” Eric gave a shy crooked smile. “That's very zen-like of you”

“Oh you haven't heard? It's the latest. I'm joining the zenbies as we speak”

Something was up. Eric shook his head, trying to shake things in order. “Ok, where's my friend and what have you done with him?”

Lars plopped down in the chair next to Eric and gave him a firm pat on the leg. “All in good time, all in good time”

“Great, now I'm scared for real” 

Lars decided it was best to change the subject. Eric would get a good telling-off from him, but not right now, he would save that one for later. “So, have you figured out how to end it yet?”

Eric looked back at the screen, still a bit cautious about this change of attitude in Lars but if he wanted to pretend as nothing had happened, so would he, gladly. “Not exactly. I thought about fading out on his eyes in this shot, but I don't know, it just leaves the viewer without any hope you know? You gotta give them hope”

Lars raised a brow. “Quoting Harvey Milk now are we?” 

“Picked up on that ey?” Eric smiled as things for a brief second almost felt normal again. Lars was the most down-to-earth person he knew and no matter what was going on he could talk to him about it and he would always make him feel better. 

“Too easy. Give me something harder next time” 

There was a sudden pause of silence in the room, not something unusual between the two friends as they both enjoyed their own thoughts and ideas tumbling around in their heads. 

Eric cleared his throat. “Please tell me you found something Saturday?”

“That would be a big fat no. Got a pretty good shot over the city though.” Lars said and motioned for some tapes next to the monitor. 

“I saw. Thank you.” he said, still somewhat ashamed that he had forced Lars up Saturday. “So nothing on his family?”

“Nope”

Eric gave a frustrated sigh as he disgruntling threw his pen on the desk. “Fuck.” Eric had never been a big follower of cursing, but this project had made those values go down the drain. 

They had known from the beginning both his parents had died in a car crash several years ago. He had talked about an aunt but from investigation Eric and Lars had learned she'd died a couple of years ago. There was no one. 

They sighed in unison at the realization that this documentary would not work out the way they wanted to. They just had to work with the material at hand. 

“Thanks for babysitting by the way” Eric said, feeling the need for a change of subject. 

“Anytime, Carrie's a hoot, and I even made Anthony crack a smile a couple of times” Lars explained proudly. He never mind babysitting for Eric and Nate but he would never consider having kids of his own. The perks of babysitting was that you eventually handed them back. 

Eric smiled, knowing how hard it was to coax a smile out of his son as he usually didn't laugh much outside the orbit of his family. 

“He is way too serious that boy of yours” Lars added. 

“Yeah I know” said Eric and once again studied James' hollow eyes, somehow reflecting the sadness sometimes written across his son's face. 

When Anthony came to them at an age of one he had already been through much for his young age. Bruises had still been left on his body the first time they saw him, enough to break anyone's heart. It had, of course, hit Eric very close to home, something Nate had been very much aware of, even to the point that he'd suggested not adopting the boy with the risk of it being too painful for Eric to relive. But he would have none of that, it was his chance to help others that had gone through what he once had.

The scars from Anthony's first year as a baby was still planted in the boy's soul, even eight years later. You could see it in the eyes. Always the eyes. And lately, he'd seen it more often. Eric shook the thoughts away as he didn't wish to think of them at the moment. He looked at Lars. “Please tell me you at least came up with a title for this damn thing?”

…

Nate poured himself a cup of coffee in the teacher's lounge and sat down to collect his thoughts before he would face the wild herd that was his students. It was a rare occasion since he was currently alone in the room, though he was pretty sure the other teachers would come in through the door any second now. 

He looked out the window and studied how the sunny morning seemed to turn into a dull day with the gray clouds gathering. There was almost something eerie about it. He tapped his fingers on the ceramic cup, a birthday gift from Carrie, as he waited. 

He soon lost himself in thoughts about the past weekend and what he needed to do now to help his husband turn things around. He too had fought an addiction in his life and he knew what that could do to you. Without Eric's knowledge, he had looked up numbers to people he thought and hoped would be able to help him. He was planning on calling them later that day and see if they couldn't work something out together. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to help Eric get better. 

Before his train of thoughts rushed away with him, Barbra pushed the door open and as many other times she was shouting loudly into her phone. 

“No honey. I told you, I'm engaged” she said, wildly waving her free arm even though the person at the other end couldn't see her dramatic gestures. She held up her left hand, free from a wedding band of any kind. “Oh yeah. Big rock. He's very sweet that way. Yes. Yes. Ok, bye now” She snapped her cell shut and heaved a deep, dramatic sigh. 

Nate laughingly shook his head. Barbara Brown. A true drama queen in the right sense of the word and an eccentric, passionate, eclectic, man-eater. The list could go on. A true artist and born to be an art teacher who on occasions put on her own exhibitions. Eric and he had attended one once. “First and last time” as Eric had put it afterwards.

With long steps she walked up and opened the window, went back to the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee, dug through her large brown bag and fished out a pack of smokes. She walked back to the window, with the cup, and sat with one leg dangling outside.

Nate raised a brow after having studied her energetic way. “I thought you were quiting?” 

She blew out some smoke. “Oh hon that was last week. I need them now”

“What happened?”

She took another drag of the cigarette. “The weekend happened” She waved the cigarette in his direction. “That's what happened” A piece of ash fell off it and down onto the floor. “Oh shit”

Barbara flung her leg inside and at the same time managed to drop the cigarette onto the floor. “Oh man”

Nate just laughed. “You sound like my nine year old. You better put that out”

She was already down on the floor, getting the black marks out. She gave him a sarcastic look. “And you sound like my father” She looked up at the ceiling and drew a cross in the air. “May he rest in piece”

After getting rid of her cig and pouring out the coffee in the sink Barbara dropped herself unceremoniously down next to Nate on the couch. She sighed. 

“I keep fighting them off and they keep pushing their way back in.” She looked at Nate with a naughty grin “Pun intended, if you know what I mean” she laughed and nudged Nate in his side which almost made him spill his coffee.

“You're awful”

“Yeah, I know” she sighed contently. “What am I going to do?”

“You're asking me for advice on men?”

“Well you've managed to stick with the same one for aaages” she spread out her arms wide as she stretched the word. “You must have some hidden secret”

Nate opened his mouth to speak before he stopped himself and quickly closed it again with a slight cringe. How easy would it had been to say something sappy like 'trust and communication are the most important ingredients to a healthy relationship' when the past weekend he'd been blatantly aware they seemed to have neither. 

“Actually” he put his cup down on the table. “I don't have the faintest idea” 

The door opened and both Nate and Barbara curiously whipped their heads around to see who'd entered the teacher's lounge. 

“Relax people. It's just me. You can go back to gossiping or whatever it is you were doing”

The voice belonged to Thom, a teacher in construction engineering, a class Justin was majoring in. He dropped his heavy looking shoulder bag onto the floor and marched straight up to the kitchenette, he too pouring himself a cup of the mandatory black addiction. 

“Gossip? I should be offended” Barbara gasped – in true drama queen fashion of course. 

“Oh don't deny it Ms. Brown. I know all your little secrets” Thom said and tasted his coffee. 

A moment of awkward silence passed between the two. Nate silently laughed to himself, once again noticing the friendly banter that could be so much more if they would just admit it to each other – and themselves. 

Nervously clearing his throat, Thom took a seat opposite Nate and Barbara. He scratched his dark bear. “So what are we pestering them with today?” he asked and diverted them to a new topic and pulled his bag closer. 

Nate rolled his eyes. “We already know who's going to lose” 

“Which makes it all the more fun” Barbara smirked and winked at him.

This was a little game the three of them shared every Monday morning before classes. The one who could come up with the worst way to start a Monday for their class won a free lunch from the other two. Nate never won. He was just too nice for it. So far they were five weeks into the semester and the score was Barbara 3, Thom 2, Nate 0. 

“Right what do you got? I'm handing back their papers so I guess I'm out” Nate sighed.

Thom looked at him. “You don't even try do you?”

“Eh, forget about him, what do you got Thom?” Barbara asked and waved Nate off. 

Thom opened his bag and revealed the content, in a rather gleefully manner. “Now you might not think much of this” he started as he took out a big bunch of papers and books from his bag. “But look at this, isn't it wonderful? They have developed a whole new mix of concrete that is much stronger than before. It's really rather fascinating you see”

They didn't. 

Nate and Barbara looked at the papers he'd handed them and both had big question marks hanging above their heads. It wasn't the first time Thom would get excited over something he taught and get utterly wrapped up in the subject. Most time he would oscillate dangerously close to the line of obsessiveness. 

“And your students will hate this... how?” Barbara asked with much reluctance in her voice. 

“Well I'm gonna let them read all the pages written about it of course and then write a summery about it. They'll hate that!” He said excitedly. 

Nate threw Barbara a quick glance. “What about you? What do you got?”

She shrugged her shoulders and spoke casually. “I'm gonna let them make a drawing of my 75 year old mother. I'm bringing her to class today. Naked” she added for effect. 

Nate started laughing loud while Thom took on a baffled expression. “Is that even allowed? With your mother I mean?”

“I'm the teacher aren't I?” Barbara answered firmly but with a sparkle in her eye. 

Nate spoke between laughs. “Oh that's brilliant. You win”

“God I'm good”

Soon they were all laughing together when the door flew open again. Upon seeing who it was, they all composed themselves. 

Thom was the first one to speak. “Good morning Warren” he spoke in a polite, but without being friendly, sort of way. 

“Thom” The elderly man mustered a slight nod. 

Nate made his usual morning greeting but as all the other times the old man simply pursed his lips in contempt and showed no signs of acknowledgement towards Nate. 

“I can't understand what on earth could be so amusing at this early hour. Don't you have anything better to do?” Warren asked the question without looking at them. 

“Oh lighten up Warren ol' boy, we're just having a laugh. You still remember that don't you?” This came from Barbara, the only one who dared addressing him in such way. 

“This is a teacher's lounge Ms. Brown, not some amusement discotheque”

Nate had to muffle a laugh at the comment. Warren Bishop was about as ancient as his grandmas coffee grinder, still collecting dust in the cellar at Helen and Matt's place, where she had lived during her latter years. He had been teaching at LU longer than anyone else and it was a wonder he hadn't retired yet, but much to Nate's happiness he'd heard rumors that he might be gone by the end of next year. It would certainly make Nate's existence at work easier as the man seemed to greatly despise him.  
Everything had been fine when they first had met but as soon Warren had found out that the spouse Nate kept talking about was in fact a man and not a woman he had treated him nothing but chilly. For eleven years Nate had been putting up with his snarky remarks or even worse, the ignoring of him. Luckily he had people like Barbara and Thom around. No one would be happier than Nate to see Warren gone. But until then, he just had to put up with his grumpiness a little longer.   
…

“Ok people, settle down!” Nate had to shout to reach all the way back of his class, although it had little effect upon them.

Approaching his students on a Monday, when everyone was still charged up after the weekend, was always an interesting task. On this particular morning they seemed louder than usual, no doubt because of the party on L'Alley he knew about, all thanks to Justin, and Nate suspected it was the same party Emma had been hanging outside of. Judging from what he could make out of the chatter, the high point of the night had been a bum fighting with the police outside Lipz – Langston's notorious rave club. 

During his years of teaching, Nate had used different ways in trying to get his student's attention, including jumping on his desk, throwing tennis balls at them (admittedly, the lesson had turned out into something more resembling PE rather than Eng. Lit.), blowing in horns and playing some old Rammstein to them. Some of it worked better than others. All in all, despite what anyone might think, the playful streak made Nate Hagen, nee O'Connor, a very likable college Professor among his and other students. 

Today however, he knew his task of getting their attention would be an easy one. He simply popped the metal locks of his briefcase open and took out their graded essays. Without as much as a word he took a comfortable seat on top of his desk, and started waving with the papers in front of him. Within seconds they one after one quited down, turning their full attention to Nate before the room was completely silent. 

“Why so quiet all of a sudden?” Nate teased and took a look at the papers in his hand. “Oh these? You want these back?”

Still not a word from his class, Nate shrugged his shoulders. “Hmm, you don't seem that keen. Maybe I should just put them here and save them for after class” He lay them down next to him and jumped down from the desk, went up to the big black board and started writing. 

“Oh come on Mr H, don't keep us waiting!” shouted a boy from the back of the class. 

Nate stopped the chalk, causing a squeak which made half of the class grimace. He turned around. “Well, I guess I could be kind” He flipped through the pile of essays. “And just because you were so kind to speak Steven, you'll get yours first” He walked up the stairs and met the boy. “You also get the great honor of handing the rest of them out” Nate said and pushed the bunch over to Steven's arms. 

He turned on his heel and skipped down the few stairs, clapping his hand together. “To some music people! What song shall Steven sing for us?!” Nate smiled brightly as he saw the sigh upon Steven's face and the sparkle in the rest of his student's eyes. “Let's make it an oldies themed day” he urged. 

Soon the suggestions shot through the room. 

“Good Vibrations!”   
“You shook me all night long!”  
“Ain't no sunshine when she's gone!”  
“Hot Stepper!”   
“Barbie Girl!” 

The whole class erupted into laughter. 

“Barbie Girl it is” Nate laughed, happy that his student's brains were once again back on track and soon ready to get creative. Exactly that feeling of contentment was the reason why he loved teaching and why he could cope with people like Warren. As long as he could teach, he could handle anything. 

“Oh come on! You can't be serious” Steven complained. “I don't even know the lyrics. It's ancient”

“We seem to have stumbled across an obstacle. How do we get over it?” Nate threw out the question for anyone. 

A rather shy girl in the front row, raised her hand. Nate nodded for her to speak. “I know the lyrics Mr H, I can sing it”

“Marvelous Elisa. Do indulge us.” Nate smiled, pleased that the other so quiet Elisa Rourke had spoken on her own free will for the second time in a week in his class. He was convinced that it had to do with her new found friend Cassidy, who had recently started in his class, a couple of weeks late in the semester. 

Elisa started singing while Steven hummed along the best he could while handing out the essays where they had written about an American poet of choice. Soon, the whole class was singing and Nate happily whistled along while he started scribbling down the topic for today's class on the board. Another week of teaching was on its way.

...

The first hour went by fast and as soon as all of his students had bolted out the door, Nate remained seated at his desk, going through some papers for next class which wasn't scheduled until the afternoon. It would give him plenty of time to work on his second passion; his own writing career. He'd had one book published a couple of years back, which had been received well and his second novel was about halfway done. His job gave him the opportunity to be able to work and write at the same time. 

A clearing of a throat disrupted his concentration and as he looked up he noticed two small hands in front of him. They were thin just as the rest of the body they belonged to, fragile even.

“Cassidy. What can I do for you?”

“Well I was wondering Sir...” She was yet too new at the school to be comfortable in referring him as 'Mr. H' as the rest of the students did. In return, Nate called them all by their first name.

Cassidy paused for a second, pondering over her question. “Was there anything wrong with my paper?”

Nate removed his reading glasses and scratched his chin. “What do you mean exactly?” 

She didn't hesitate in laying her essay in front of him and pointing to the circled 'B+' in the top right corner of the paper. “You gave me a B plus. I'm an A student, you must have noticed that already since, well, that's what you gave me before.”

Very calmly, Nate folded his hands in front of him. “That's right Cassidy, I did give you that. However, this time, the essay was a B plus essay” 

“But why?” The girl insisted. 

Nate put the reading glasses back on and picked up her paper and revised it quickly, reminding himself of the content of it. “It's a well written essay, but I think you failed a bit in displaying the parallels to a contemporary poet as it was part of the assignment. Therefor, it's a B plus” he said and held out the essay for her to take back. To his surprise, she didn't. 

“Well, can I do it over then?” she asked, quite demanding. 

Nate shook his head. It wasn't the first time a student and he had discussed grades but this girl sure was more persistent, “I really see no reasons for that. You'll get another chance next week. B plus really isn't a bad grade” For a short second he thought himself see something dark pass over her eyes but he quickly shook it off. 

Pursing her lips and staring into empty air, she slowly reached for her essay as she bit her tongue. Then, as if something suddenly shifted inside her, she broke out into a big smile. “I guess you're right Mr H. Thank you for explaining it to me.”

With that, she turned her heel and walked out, leaving a very confused Nate behind. Whether she was being driven on by her parents or it was her own demands on herself that considered a B plus not to be a good grade he didn't know, but something was not right with that girl. 

At least she had finally come around to calling him 'Mr. H'. 

His phone started vibrating on his desk. The display said 'Emma'. From one troubled girl to another, he thought and picked up. “Hi honey, what's up?”

She cut right to the chase. “I'm taking the bus home today”

“When?”

“Soon”

“Well, your dad was suppose to pick you up, why don't you call him and let him know” he coaxed in an attempt of getting them back on speaking terms. 

“No way. I'm not talking to him”

“Come on Ems” Nate tried. 

“No”

Nate sighed. “Just promise me you'll go straight home ok”

“Yes.” Nate could practically see the eye roll. “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. It's just like Monopoly.” she mumbled. 

“Please call your dad” he tried again. 

“You do it. I gotta go” she said and ended the call quickly without a goodbye.   
…

“We can not call it Family Guy!” Eric shook his head and bit on a pencil that was more and more resembling a dog's chew toy. 

“I thought we were brainstorming, no ideas are bad then” Lars fiercely protested and took the last piece of a banana.

“Let's just move on to something else, we're getting nowhere right now” Eric sighed. 

“That's what you think” Lars mumbled and threw the banana peel in the trash can by the door as he was doing a penalty shot in basket. As the peel made its way through the air, there was a light knock at the door and a young girl popped her head in.

“I leave you two alone for an hour and the editing room starts resembling the high school cafeteria”

“Andrea! Now you tell me that 'Family Guy' ain't a perfect title for this film?” Lars said more as a statement than a question. 

“Isn't that an old cartoon or something like that?” She took a seat on a table littered with papers next to them. “Will you ever clean this up?”

“I'll give that a two on the 'Most likely' scale.”

Eric smiled. “Ignore him Andrea. He's not himself this morning” he said, referring to the way Lars had yet avoided to yell at him for chasing him up on a Saturday morning. 

As a producer/writer/director at LNTV, Eric was entitled to his own assistant and Andrea had been with him for the past year. She had seemed shy at first but soon enough he'd discovered that she was a kindred spirit; a true movie buff. She was the same age as Justin and had started at LNTV as soon as she had graduated. She wasn't hard getting along with, an easy going spirit who he and Lars instantly had taken a liking to. Despite the age difference, she was a friend and he always kept an eye on her. 

Suddenly Eric's phone started playing the 'You're tearing me apart' scene from 'Rebel without a cause'. To this day it was still his favorite movie. And right now, the scene fitted his way of feeling as he saw Nate's name on the display. 

“Swear to god, nerdiest phone signal on the planet” Lars whispered to Andrea as Eric answered. 

“Hey.” he answered somewhat reluctant as he wasn't sure if he was still in Nate's good grace this morning. 

“Hi.” Nate sighed. “Emma refuses to call you, so I just wanted to say that you don't have to pick her up after school. And I'll be a bit late home tonight”

“Oh. Ok” 

There was a moment of silence between them before some words out of courtesy were exchanged and then the explanation from Nate that he had to get back to work. To say the least, it felt extremely uncomfortable and Eric didn't quite know what to think of it. And judging from the expression on Lars and Andrea's faces, neither did they. 

To Eric's gratefulness, Lars cleared his throat, breaking the silence. “So.” He looked at Andrea. “What shall we get our boy for his birthday party?”

Eric put up his hand in protest. “Really guys, you don't have to get me anything”

Andrea smiled. “We know, but we wanna”

“Well in that case, get this film done for me will you. Or better yet, get me a new job, preferably some Hollywood directing gig”

“Yeah, sure. I'll just swing my magic wand and throw in a couple of millions while I'm at it” Lars mumbled before he received a punch on his arm.

“Oh! That reminds me why I'm here by the way, McCoy wants to see you” Andrea exclaimed. 

Eric rolled his eyes. “Oh here we go. Time for the non scheduled Monday meeting which isn't really a meeting according to him.” Eric pushed himself up from the chair. “To me, when something happens at the exact same time every week, I call that a meeting.”

Lars looked at him. “Wow”

“What?”

“That's the longest you've said all morning”

“What can I say. Jerks inspire me” 

With that, Eric made his way out of the room. Time to face the boss. Again. No question would he yell at him some more about the delay in their production. But after the weekend he had just had, Eric could take anything. 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 6

The first drops of rain hit the windscreen of Eric's car and before he knew it, it was pouring down. The windscreen wipers squeaked as he turned them on, yet another reminder of things he'd been neglecting to fix since getting caught up by the film. Which, after some more bickering, they still hadn't a name for. The one thing he knew though was how long they had left to finish it. Three weeks. 

That's what McCoy had told him on their “not-a-meeting” meeting. Lars hadn't been too happy about it either but as he had said; they HAD been dodging the inevitable for quite some time now. On one hand it felt good knowing they could soon put this behind them and hopefully things could go back to some sort of normality. On the other hand they wouldn't be able to finish the project the way Eric had intended for. And that, made him feel as a failure. 

He didn't want a flop on his record. It wasn't that that he didn't like it, he just wished it would have turned out differently. As it was now, it felt sort of haphazard. He needed to find James and make a decent ending. But what he wanted didn't seem to be written in the cards. They had agreed on going out in the morning to look for him one last time. After that, it would be over. 

What he needed right now though was to have a calm, stress free evening without too much worrying, just like he had promised Nate he would try and have. And the first step towards that was picking up Anthony and Carrie from school. 

Hurrying over the schoolyard of Langston elementary, it didn't take long for Eric to get soaked by the big-dropping heavy rain. Leaves were caught in strong whirlwinds and the sky looked darker and more menacing than it had in a long time. It was hard not to think of James and how he managed for very long in weather like this. 

Eric shook off the thoughts along with the water coating his clothes as he stepped inside. The corridor, which was plastered with children's drawings, was empty in the late afternoon, as always, Anthony and Carrie were among the last ones there. Another surge of guilt washed over him as he made his way down the corridor. It was all part of parenthood, you never felt as if you were enough for your kids. 

He peeked through the window in the door to the classroom where they both sat waiting. As per usual, Carrie was engulfed in her drawings and Anthony was reading a comic book, something which reminded him of himself at that age. He would hide them under his bed and read them long into the night, after he'd made sure his father had went to bed, as his father had never really allowed him to have any. “Waste of time”, he'd called them. “A way to escape the real world” Eric had responded to it, of course, he'd never said it out loud. 

Ms. Perchewski, or Sarah as they all called her – after three kids, they were on a first name basis with most of the teachers, a pleasant perk of living in a small town – sat waiting with them. He knocked lightly at the door before entering. As soon as he did, Carrie's head shot up, big eyes glowing. Within seconds she had leapt into his open arms and was eagerly telling him about his day. Meanwhile, Anthony quietly stuffed his backpack with the scattered comics. 

Eric looked guilty at Sarah who collected her bag and keys. “Thank you for waiting with them Sarah”

She smiled friendly back at him, a warm, eye crinkling smile which instantly made you like her. Just as all her students did. “All part of the job, Mr. Hagen” she said, as usually, in her calm tone. 

“Please, it's Eric” he said and held up an insisting hand to his chest although he was fairly sure that the next time they'd see each other she would be back calling him by his surname. 

Carrie tugged at his collar. “Daddy! Daddy!”

“What hon?” he asked while keeping an eye out for Anthony who seemed quieter than usual. 

“I saw a dog today!” she exclaimed happily and spread her arms. “It was this big and it had a really big fur and I think it was a girl” she spoke excitedly without breathing between her words. 

“You did?! That's great hon” Glancing at Sarah, they exchanged a knowing look, no doubt was home not the only place Carried nagged about a dog. 

Eric diverted his attention to his son who was zipping up his bag. “You ready Anthony?”

The boy turned and pulled on his Spiderman backpack. “Ready”

“Good, then let's go” He gathered Carrie's bag and jacket. “You better put this on. It's raining cats and dogs out there”

Carrie's head whipped up from excitement. “Can I have one?!”

Eric and Sarah both stifled a laugh while Anthony sighed. “Not like that silly.” 

“It's just normal rain sweetie” Sarah added and gently touched the girl's head. 

Carrie looked between the two grown-ups, scrunching her nose, what a stupid thing to say. “Well can I jump in the puddles then?” she said somewhat offended, making it sound like it wasn't really a question. “Pleeeeeeeease daddy” she asked with pleading eyes, big as saucers. 

“Not until we get home. We have to go to the store first. Then home.” Eric tried explaining.

Anthony sighed in discontent and was the first one to walk out of the classroom, the other ones following suit. Sarah locked the door behind them. 

“Will daddy be home when we will?” Anthony asked.

“Yeah, I'm gonna tell dad I saw a dog!” Carrie interjected. 

“He'll be home late tonight guys. Maybe past your bedtime” Nate had told him he would be working on his book and even if there was no way of knowing in advance, Eric knew that once Nate was on a roll, it would sometimes equal with him working long into the night. During his last book, Eric had spent many nights alone with the kids. But he didn't complain, he was no better himself as his work sometimes forced him to work all kinds of different hours of the day. 

“Oh man” Anthony answered annoyed and stomped away ahead of them. Carrie ran after him. 

Sarah laughed shyly at him, her green eyes shining. “Looks like you got your work cut out for you tonight”

…

Eric pushed the cart around the produce section, Carrie at his side, holding on to the cart and chatting along while Anthony quietly followed behind. Cooking was his job. Doing the dishes was Nate's. They had established that early on as Nate's skills in the kitchen were less than none. Amused, he smiled by fond memories of numerous of mac 'n' cheese. Most of them charred on top. It was after the sixtyeleventh one they had agreed on doing what they both did best. 

They had been living in their first one bedroom apartment at the time and it amazed Eric what little comfortability they needed back then compared to now. It seemed like ages ago they'd been cramped up there amongst their vast DVD and book collections, fighting about who would get the tiny space at the kitchen table to study. Looking at the house they had built for themselves a few years back, the contrast to that small apartment was humongous.

Carrie tugged at his sleeve, demanding attention. “Daddy”

“Yes” he said absently, scanning the fruit section. If he managed to listen to half of what his youngest said he'd be happy. 

“Do you like Sarah?” she asked as if she'd been thinking about it for a long time. 

“Of course I do” Eric grabbed a big bunch of bananas and added them to the increasing pile of food. “Why do you ask? Don't you think I like her?” he glanced at Anthony if he would have any answers but the boy was occupied with a comic he'd fished out of his backpack. 

Carrie's face lit up and she grinned widely. “That's great! Well I like her too!”

“O-ok. That's good” Eric answered a bit perplexed, reaching for a polished 'Granny Smith'. 

“I was thinking. If anything happen with you and dad, you could marry Sarah! That is ok with me” she proudly explained.

The comment made Anthony look up from his magazine, one brow raised in mockery and the eyeroll a nanosecond away. 

Eric slowly nodded. “Well thank you, that's good to know, but I think I'll stick with your dad for now” he smiled, although inside, he was very much laughing his heart out. 

Anthony who was now caught in the conversation added “You're so stupid. Dad would never marry Sarah. He doesn't like girls” 

“Anthony, don't call your sister stupid” Eric reprimanded. 

Carrie stared wide at her brother. “So!? I'm a girl and he likes me” She then stuck her tongue out in front of him and took off, which provoked him to chase after her. 

“Guys” Eric tried half-heartedly but was quickly ignored as the teasing soon turned into giggles and squeals from Carrie and he had to laugh at them. 

Filling a bag with tomatoes and seeing his kids run around him he allowed himself to close his eyes. It was a nice reminder that even if things had been crazy lately he really did have everything he had wished for. A big family. He had a husband he loved and adored and if everything went as it should, he would never have to take up on Carrie's suggestion. He had three kids he cherished more than anything, who he would easily give up his own life for. They were everything he'd never experienced when growing up. It hadn't been the love and warmth there which he now had. And certainly would he not have been allowed the simple pleasure of running around in a store. 

Even so, lately he'd been having the most unsettling, gnawing feeling in his stomach. It wasn't about friends or work, he was never able to put his finger on what it was. Just that it was. It annoyed him that he wasn't able to make a connection. Shaking the thoughts away, he opened his eyes and saw Anthony stand before him. The sight caused a pang to shoot through his chest, making him stumble backwards and drop the tomatoes which rolled out over the floor. 

“Shit!”

Carrie stopped dead in her tracks. “Daddy! No swearing” 

Eric mustered a smile, thinking they had taught her too well, while he dropped to his knees, gathering the tomatoes. “That's right sweetie. Help me out here”

As Carrie jumped between the tomatoes, eagerly picking them up, Eric looked up and noticed Anthony being gone. He was just there a second ago. Maybe he was overreacting from the shot of fear he'd just had but he quickly stood up, scanning his surroundings. 

“Carrie, where did your brother go?” he asked, voice strain by a pounding heart. He whipped around, no Anthony to be found, and felt the panic rise within, echoing through his voice. 

“I don't know” The little girl shrugged her shoulders and started humming a kid's TV intro she'd seen last week. 

Not bothering about the tomatoes, Eric grabbed Carrie's hand and started rushing between the aisles. “Anthony!” He called a dozen of times but without any other respond than people looking sympathetically at him. Where the heck could he have gone? Eric pushed away his vivid imagination, including thoughts of kidnappers among other things, a creative mind not always being a blessing. After some quick deliberation, he decided that going back to the fruits and vegetables where he started would probably be the best idea. 

With a questioning Carrie in tow, although she thought they were playing hide and seek, he rushed back and saw their shopping cart, still no sign of Anthony. What now? Just calm down, he thought to himself, you're overreacting. He started rubbing his temples and clenched his jaw. Damn it! Was the headache back again? 

“Where were you?”

Upon hearing the voice, Eric stiffened and stilled his hands before turning around. It was Anthony. Eric heaved a deep, relieved sigh. He bent down and hugged his son tight. “Don't ever, ever do that to me again”

Squooshed tightly, the boy held up a box of cereals. “I just went to get 'Cap'n Crunch'” he said sadly. 

Eric allowed himself to smile crookedly as he wasn't sure the cereals were for Anthony or Nate. His husband could be such a kid sometimes. “It's ok bud, I just got a little scared”

The truth was he got more than 'a little scared' and he wasn't sure what was going on. It wasn't like him to overreact like this. Breaking free from the hug and looking over Anthony's shoulder at the aisle behind him, he saw Emma standing in the middle of it. With a boy. Breaking her curfew. 

He had to laugh at the situation, and as he looked up at the ceiling, he asked, “You just couldn't give me a break could you?”

Walking up with determined steps to face his daughter he sighed, his headache was definitely back.

…

The time was already past seven and Nate knew that by now Eric and the kids were at home, probably having dinner. He thought about calling and check in on them, but after the strange conversation he'd had with Eric on the phone this morning he wasn't so sure he wanted to. He would stay and kiss them goodnight when he got home instead. Besides, he'd already been on the phone non stop for the past couple of hours. 

He'd been trying to find someone who would be willing to help Eric. The first half hour had been spent on Google, searching for the right type of treatment for a painkiller abuse and finally, Nate had decided to contact a Lee Grant who seemed to have the right experience, having been an addict himself but now treating people with the same problem at a center in Ellicot City, not too far from Langston. The man sounded nice enough on the phone, calm and reassuring. Commending Nate for taking the step he had, that in these cases there was nothing wrong with going behind the back of the people you loved. 

They had decided for Nate to bring Eric and meet Lee on Thursday. Somehow, Nate needed to come up with a plan for Eric to go with him without him suspecting anything. It'd been ages since they were to Ellicot City and it would be difficult to not rise suspicion. Plus, he needed to call Helen and see if she could take the kids, without letting her know what was going on. As for now, he wanted to limit the amount of people knowing about Eric, he'd already told Lars and Dan, that was bad enough, as Eric would probably be furious with him. Eric hated to share his private life with anyone else but Nate, and sometimes, not even with him. But Nate had felt it necessary telling them since Lars could help keep an eye on him at work. The guilt gnawed in his gut and over and over he had to convince himself that he was doing this out of love. He really didn't have any other choice. 

Picking up the phone, ready to dial Helen, he heard a loud noise coming from the corridor outside. It sounded like someone dropping a baking tray, followed by bickering. Nate pushed himself up from his chair, and pointing his ears to the air to listen, he slowly approached his door. He couldn't tell if the voices might belong to any colleagues of his or students. Wanting to find out, he turned the golden doorknob around, cursing his old wooden door when it creaked, and peeked out. The halls were usually pretty much deserted at this hour, except for a few lonely people with arms full of books, coming from the library. There was no sign of people in the corridor outside his door, however, he could now tell that the voices belonged to a man and a woman. He took a few steps closer to the arguing, curious if it could be two of his colleagues, Ann and Jonas, going at it again. 

He heard the woman shout something like “I'm good for you!”. It made him smile, as he brushed the bickering off as a typical college break up – over the top dramatic - Langston U had a lot of those and this was no different. Oh, if the walls could talk about the heartbreak people had endured here during the years. The thought made him grateful he and Eric had met so young and managed to stick by each other during all these years. It was a rare, precious thing and he knew very well how lucky he really was. He suddenly longed to get home and be with him. 

Turning back, ready to gather his things, he suddenly picked up on the man's voice. To his great surprise, it sounded disturbingly familiar. He knew that voice as well as his own. But it couldn't be, could it? He had taught him better than this. As the man spoke again, there was no doubt in his mind, the voice belonged to his own brother, Justin. 

Sneaking up to the corner of the joined corridor, he peeked around it and there, at the end of it, was his brother, arguing with a girl. For some reason there were a few muffins rolled out on the floor. The girl was furiously waving her arms at his brother who tried holding the girl back. A part of Nate wanted to rush up and help him out but he had also taught him to fight his own battles, this was no exception from the High School schoolyard a few years back. He decided the best thing to do was to stand back and wait, if things got worse he would help. But for now, he leaned against the wall and listened, trying to follow the conversation. 

“Don't you understand that this is all your fault!? If you hadn't broken up with me I would still be number one! You owe me, do you hear me?”

“Just calm down! It was two weeks ago. And it wasn't like there was anything to break up! Just take your damn muffins and go, you've totally lost it” Justin urged. 

“The hell I won't. I will make you eat them some day you asshole. I try and be nice and you just throw it all away. Literally! What slut are you sleeping with then O'Connor!?” she threatening bellowed. 

“Oh for fuck sake Cassidy, give it a break will you?!”

Nate shot his right ear closer at the mention of the name. Cassidy? His student? How did they know each other? Justin had never said anything. Was Cassidy the one he'd been with before he came to Eric's birthday dinner? The questions were suddenly running amok through his head. Why on earth were they arguing like this? 

There suddenly was a bang to the wall and Justin who shouted some obscene words. Cassidy shrieked and before he knew it, Nate heard the sound of heels running away. He dared looking out from his hiding place again, Cassidy was already gone. Left was Justin who rubbed his right hand. 

“Justin?”

His brother looked up, quickly shook his hand and stuffed it in the pocket of his jacket. He crookedly smiled at him. “Hey big bro, what are you doing here?”

Nate folded his arms and raised a brow, apparently Justin had no idea how much he had heard. “I work here. Shouldn't I be asking you that question instead? And you can take out that hand, I saw you rubbing it” He felt awful for asking but he had to know the truth. “Did you hit her?” 

“What?! God no, who do you take me for? I hit the damn wall to scare her” Justin continued rubbing it.

“Come here. Let me look at it” Nate took Justin's hand in his and examined it carefully. Flashbacks from when Justin had hit Tommy Young in ninth grade came rushing back. “It's a bit red. You better put some ice on it so it won't swell” 

As Justin followed Nate to the teacher's lounge to get his hand fixed he started explaining what had happened. How Cassidy hadn't accepted he didn't want to be with her and how furious she'd gotten when she'd found out he was seeing someone else. Nate didn't bother in asking about this 'someone else' as they all came and went pretty fast.

Caught up in themselves they were oblivious to the fact that they were being watched from behind their backs. By one very angry set of eyes.   
…

“What are you?! My freakin' prison guard or something? You can't tell me what to do!” Emma spat back at the threat of being locked up in her room. Although she was fairly sure it was nothing but an empty threat, her dad had never spoken to her in such manner before. She'd been reprimanded and scolded at a thousand of times but never with such anger she now saw in his eyes. And had he called her 'boy'? Even though she let no fear slip from her voice there was still a slight uneasily sense of fear behind her eyes as she continued, “Your headache is back isn't it?” Her voice was calm and demanding.

Momentarily, Eric stopped in his tracks as he was furiously filling the post-dinner dishwasher and deadpanned stared at his daughter. He tried hard not to let her know she was right -his headache was indeed back – and he also tried desperately to suppress the gut wrenching feeling of guilt over what he'd just said. But his effort was lost as he kept silent for too long, giving himself away.

Immediately he noticed the small smirk on Emma's lips. He spoke slowly and firmly, almost cold, “You ignored your curfew. It's late and I believe you have homework to do. Go to your room Emma”

With that, he took a deep breath and averted his gaze outside, overlooking the pond, and fought hard not to look back at her while he steadied himself by gripping the counter. He could feel her stare in his neck but to his surprise, and great relief, she kept quiet. As she left the room and Eric heard her steps up the stairs, an unshed tear rolled down his cheek and he let his shoulders drop as he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. A few more tears escaped the corners of his eyes before he wiped his face dry and leaned on his elbows over the counter, burying his face in his hands. 

He was a damn failure as a father. He was no better than his own. “You're this close of getting locked in your room boy!” Once again, he'd echoed his father's words. And he hated himself for it. At least his words had just been an empty threat on the contrary from his father's who many times had turned the key behind him. That, for things much smaller than breaking a curfew.

Memories suddenly flooded back too quickly for Eric to comprehend and he had a hard time breathing. He hated thinking about his childhood and whenever he'd get a memory attack such as this -which luckily didn't happen often anymore – Nate would be there and calm him. He needed his husband to get home. Further more, what he needed was release. 

Instinctively, he reached for the drawer with the Advil when he realized there would be none to find there, or in the rest of the house. To his delight, he suddenly remembered that he had left a box of them in his car the previous week and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, he hurried out. 

He was just feeling too damn tired to care about anything at that point. Like Ryan. That was the name of the boy he'd met in the store with Emma who had been very much violating her curfew and he was also the reason they'd been fighting since they got home. Even during dinner, and after dinner and while he'd been saying good night to the younger ones, they'd been fighting. Carrie hadn't really cared that much but Anthony had looked at him with those big eyes of concern of his. He hated to fight in front of him.

At least now he knew what the boy Emma was seeing looked like. And he was certain that he wasn't someone he wanted Emma around, as he had told her. Big mistake. She had gotten, if possible, even angrier with him and that's when he'd lost it and told her she would be locked up in her room.

In the store, he had practically had to drag Emma out of there as both she and Ryan - god, he hated the name already - had ignored him. Even if he seemed to be in Emma's age, thank god, that kind of behavior didn't work in his favor. That, and the fact that he reminded Eric of someone, perhaps from his past, he wasn't sure, who he really didn't like.

His shirt was soaked before he reached the door of his black Cadillac SUV. Not exactly a “green” option, but optimal for all the film equipment he often toted around with. He would try and forget about Ryan for now. He and Nate needed to deal with him later. 

Between rummaging through the glove department and the rain hitting the roof on the car, Eric didn't hear Nate's car pull up. He finally found what he was looking for, there were two left of them and he popped both of them into his mouth just as he heard a car door slam shut. Panicked, he threw away the box and water bottle in the backseat and swallowed the pills without water. He felt the tablets as they made his way down his dry throat and he unwillingly gave a single cough when Nate rushed up to him. 

“What are you doing out here?” he shouted through the rain but didn't wait for a respond. “Let's get inside!” he beckoned. 

“I was just looking for a CD” Eric quickly lied. He clenched his jaw as a wave of pain hit him, the Advil not yet kicking in. The grimace went pass Nate as he put his hand on Eric's back “Come on” he ushered. 

Well inside, the house was free from sounds except the low humming from the dish washer. Nate shrugged off his coat. “It's quiet. What's going on?” he asked referring to Emma's constant love for playing loud music, even if there were people sleeping. They used to joke that Anthony and Carrie must be able to sleep through anything by now. 

“She's doing homework up in her room” Or so he hoped.

Nate turned to Eric with a puzzled expression “How the hell did you manage that!?” 

Eric gnawed on his lower lip, not sure what he should tell Nate. He had to tell him about Ryan but he didn't want to get in another discussion that he and Emma had been fighting. And what he had said to her. Again. He was so ashamed. Another wave of pain hit him, so hard it almost made his eyes tear up. He was not in the right state to talk when he was like this. He fought desperately against it, he was bound and determined not to let Nate see what was going on. He shrugged his shoulders with a slight shiver. “Just lucky I guess”

Nate noticed the flicker in his husband's eyes and the reservedness as he spoke, he wasn't sure what to think of it. “Is something wrong?” he asked inquiringly. 

The pain pushed out the first tear and Eric knew he needed a better answer. He rubbed his temples and sighed deeply. “Too many memories” he tried shaking his head clear from them. At least that was half of the truth. 

Without hesitating or asking more questions, Nate wrapped his arms around him, he'd dealt with this before. “Just breathe honey” he whispered soothingly into his ear. He wasn't sure what had brought this on tonight, it had been ages since it happened. Every time it did, Nate silently prayed that the old man would soon rotten away in the prison he was in. He rubbed small circles on Eric's back. “You're not him” He knew Eric sometimes wrongfully compared himself with his father, especially since Emma had grown up. It was something that deeply hurt Nate that he could ever think that about himself. “It's gonna be ok. Just let it go. Let it go”

Eric did what he was told, he tried to let go of the images in his head but this time, he couldn't. Not wanting Nate to know that, he forced himself onto another subject. “I'm sorry about the call this morning”

“Me too. I don't know why that was” Nate shook his head and released from Eric, happy to see there were no tears left on his face. 

Eric heaved a sigh of relief as it suddenly felt as the Advils were finally doing their job. “There's just a lot at work. McCoy gave us three weeks to finish it”

“Will you make it?” Nate asked concerned. 

“Not the way I want to, but yeah, we'll make it. Still no sign of James though” he smiled disappointedly. 

“I'm sorry” Nate said and gave him another hug, the fabric of Eric's shirt making him wet. “You're soaked. Better take this off or you'll catch a cold” he started unbuttoning the shirt. 

Eric said nothing, instead he held a small smile on his lips, secretively reveling in Nate's over protective streak, even as he right now didn't deserve it. Nate pushed the shirt off of Eric's shoulders and hung it on the stair pillar next to him. For a second, he let his hand linger on Eric's soft skin while looking into those impossible blue eyes. As he had driven home he'd thought about a hundred different ways of getting Eric to got to Ellicot City with him on Thursday. It could wait he thought as he gently brushed his husband's stubbled cheek. “Come on. I got something for you” he said and walked into the kitchen, Eric trailing after. 

Eric knitted his brows. “What is it?”

Nate reached up for an envelope which he'd hidden amongst the cookbooks. No one would look there. Eric didn't need them as he made wonderful dinners without them and although Nate would need them, he never practiced the art of cooking. “I should've done this Saturday, but then...” he let his voice trail off. Seeing Eric's coy smile he perked up. “Anyway. Here. A late gift. Happy birthday babe” As Eric took the envelope they met for a quick peck. 

“Thank you” Eric said sincerely. To be frank, he had completely forgotten about the fact that he hadn't received a gift. They were not the important things about ones birthday. Growing up with his father, he was used to not getting them at all. But Nate always insisted. 

Carefully, he opened the envelope. Inside was a drawing, no doubt made by the little artist in the family, of two stickmen at what must have been a lake and three smaller stickmen next to a TV. 

Nate smiled brightly at Eric's quizzically look. “That...” he pointed directly on the paper “..is Carrie's way of saying that you and I are going away..”

“...and the kids stay in watching TV the whole time?” Eric teased.

“..ALONE” Nate filled in. “Just us. For a weekend, kids-free. I've already sorted it with Helen. And no, I told her not to let them watch TV the whole time” he added. 

Eric's eyes shone. “Seriously? Just us?” This was exactly what he might need, to get away, re-charge his batteries and then finally, maybe get rid of his headaches once and for all. 

“Just us” Nate confirmed with a smile and got pulled in to a close hug. 

“Love you” Eric whispered and kissed him right below the ear. 

“Love you too”

Eric suddenly pushed Nate away. “Let's go this weekend”

“You haven't even asked where we're going”

“Well I know you won't tell me anyway”

“True” Nate laughed. “But what's the hurry? Don't you have to stay home and finish the movie?” It was more than just concern for the movie getting done in time, he was also worried about the reaction of the meeting in Ellicot and not entirely sure Eric would go with him after that. But seeing Eric so happy, how could he say no?

“There's no problem” Eric quickly assured him even if he didn't sound a hundred percent convinced. 

“If that's what you want, then we'll do it”

Gently, Eric reached for Nate's hand, lacing their fingers together. “It is” His blue eyes suddenly resembling deep, dark wells. 

There was something sad in his tone that Nate couldn't ignore. He stroked his fingers through Eric's soft brown curls in his neck and finally drew him in for a kiss. As it was brief Eric grabbed the back of his head and brought their lips close again. Nate could feel the, almost desperate, lust and desire behind the kiss as Eric's tongue met with his. There was something hungry and yet at the same time sorrowful about it that Nate couldn't put his finger on.

Something that had started out carefully was now going at jet speed. Nate caressed every part of Eric's naked torso as the buttons of his own shirt were eagerly being opened. They backed up until Nate finally hit the counter. An impact which hastily threw him back to reality. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa” he stopped themselves with a hand onto Eric's chest when remembering the counter adventures that'd been caught on film. Better play it safe since he wasn't sure the camera was back in the kitchen or not and he was not about to go through that embarrassment again.

“What's wrong?” Eric asked and leaned in to kiss him again. He knew what he wanted and wanted it now, before anything would go wrong. 

Not wanting to ruin the mood, Nate said nothing about the potential camera in the room. “Nothing. Let's just go upstairs”

As they entered their bedroom, Nate glanced at the alarm clock on Eric's nightstand, the red digits reading 23:24. Even though late, he wanted to make sure they would not get interrupted. “I'm just gonna make sure the kids are asleep” he told Eric and left him alone, hoping that Emma too had put out her light. 

A little disappointed by the disruption, Eric sighed and lay down on the bed. He listened as Nate opened the door to Anthony's room, distinctive by a small creak it always made. He started unbuckling his belt and buttons on his jeans. To get them off easier, he rose quickly from the bed. All of a sudden it was like the world was spinning in front of him, causing a wave of nausea to hit him and he panted in deep breaths to keep himself from throwing up. He could feel his hands shaking and when he looked at them they were blurry as if being viewed through a gray filter. Scared of what was going on he sat back on the bed when just then the biggest surge of pain through his head hit him. Both his nostrils and eyes grew wide as he tried breathing through it. In the distance he thought he heard Nate running down the stairs. He couldn't tell him, he didn't need to know, he would toughen it out. He would give him no more opportunities for him to feel disappointed with him. It would be ok. 

Nate suddenly came rushing into their room as if caught on fire. “Emma's gone!” he yelled. 

It was definitely one rainy day. 

 

 

 

 

Ch 7

“...and you call me when you're heading home!”

“Fine” Emma mumbled, eyes appearing bored from the latest reprimand. She threw the car door shut and kicked the gravel with her pink Converse as Nate drove off, nearly getting one of the small stones to hit the car. She had to work on her kicking skills she mused. 

It was all part of her dads' brand new plan of keeping an even stricter eye on her. But as they had said; she had brought it on herself. She figured she had to admit that taking off in the middle of the night hadn't been the best of ideas in order to shorten her endless curfew. Right then though, she couldn't have cared less. 

Her dad and she had been arguing again. Why couldn't he fucking let her be? So what if he didn't like Ryan? She liked Ryan. Wasn't that enough? At least he treated her with some respect and didn't try and lie himself out of every damn situation, unlike her dad. She was so sick of it really. No normal person would down that many painkillers. Was she the only one who realized that?!

It made her furious that her daddy could be so blind. Caught up in his students and new, damn book he never seemed to have the time for them. At least she'd talked to him the past weekend, even though it had seemed to do little good. Nothing was happening. And for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why. 

She needed to get her dad to a doctor and she needed to do it now. More action, less talk. She hadn't really planned on getting caught in the store yesterday, her dad usually did the weekly shopping on Thursdays, but as it had turned out, it'd worked to her benefit. But yeah, it had been stupid to go to the store in the first place, but Ryan had wanted to meet up there, what other choice did she have?

After almost two calm days, Eric had gotten furious with her because of it and she had seen how bad he'd wanted his painkiller, the throbbing vein in his forehead always being the giveaway. She'd tried provoking him and at one point, she really thought he would cave, but to her great disappointment, he never did. He was harder than steel really, and stubborn like nothing else. 

He'd tried forbidding her to see Ryan. As if. He could try telling her who she could and couldn't see but it wouldn't help. He could try sending her up to her room but he could never lock her away. Something she had proven very well when climbing out of her window last night. 

It had been a chilly, rainy night but at least she'd been smart enough to coat herself in two of her dad's old college hoodies, practically cult by now. When she'd been descending the slippery drainpipe, a finesse she was fairly accustomed to, she hadn't had an idea where she would go. At first she'd thought about Ryan but what good would that have done? It was then she had remembered the old tree fort, in which they used to play as kids, in the forest between their house and Helen and Matt's estate. From there she had had the perfect view over their house, lighted by the lamp on the corner of the garage, which of course contained anything else but vehicles, and she had witnessed the dark shadow of her father run out to his car. 

About an hour later she had heard Nate's voice call her name which echoed through the, at the time, somber forest. Ravens, disrupted by the shout, had fluttered their wings close by, briefly making her come uneasy. There had been no signs of her dad, which she then had found a bit odd, but in retrospect now knew the answer to. A few minutes later she had heard Matt on her right side calling after her. It was then she had decided it would be best to emerge from her hiding place.

At first her daddy had hugged her tight out on the front porch, grateful that she was back and lightly arguing with her to never, ever take off like that again, no matter how mad she was. Then, things had changed as her dad had joined them in the living room. He had mostly been quietly rubbing his temples and agreeing to what her daddy had said about what and not to do. New rules had been set. Rules she intended to break of course. After all, where was the fun in following orders? 

Emma looked up at the school building before her. A boring bricked one with a big clock in the middle, making sure all the students made it to their individual classes on time as the heavy minute hand moved forward with a menacing jump. On the driveway stood a flagpole in the middle of the circle shaped lawn, proudly displaying the school's colors of blue and yellow for anyone passing by. 

Some jocks wearing jackets with said colors were throwing a football between them all while shouting loudly at anyone that happened to get in their way as they made their way into the building. Following, were some giggling cheerleaders, acting as if they'd just met their heroes. Of course, they were all dressed the same, cheerleader outfit or not, always giving away the impression of unbreakable sisterhood. The sight was enough for Emma to wanna barf. 

A couple of emo kids appearing more blue than usual looked at Emma as they passed her, thinking she might have belonged to them. Emma raised a challenging eyebrow and provided no answer in return as one of them greeted her with a laid back “Whaz up?”. In her opinion, they were just too darn depressing. 

She looked at the rest of the clicks scattered around the damp lawn from the autumn morning chill, soon too cold to be sitting on, and slowly shook her head. She knew she didn't really belong in any bigger community. She'd known that her whole life. Fuck 'em. Who needed them anyway? she thought and turned away from the depressing building. She had more important things to do. Like getting her father to a doctor. And she had the perfect plan to do so. 

…

There were two creases in Nate's forehead which caused a very deep, troubling frown upon his face and a strong sense of inadequacy churning in his gut after he'd dropped Emma off for school. It had started forming last night after he'd gone to Emma's room and found her missing. 

That experience had made his heart skip several beats and nearly put his breathing to a halt. What had stopped it completely had been the look of writhing pain written across Eric's face when he'd rushed back to their bedroom to tell him Emma was gone. Seeing that face, and knowing damn well it was trying to cover up for something, in combination with knowing Emma being gone had made him feel so, so, so small. Like a little mouse ready to be crushed under a giant's foot. All walls of protection had rapidly dissolved around him and he'd found himself in a deep, dark void of nothing but pain and guilt. He still wasn't sure if he was really out of it. 

At least Emma had gotten home safely. The pain across Eric's face had, however, not changed and Nate had left him this morning feeling completely helpless. As he took a right out on N. Mulberry St., he wasn't entirely sure why he had let Eric talk him in to leaving to begin with. He felt duped by his husband's stubbornness and silently scolded himself. He thought about turning the car around and just go home but he also knew what little good it would do. Eric would most likely get more agitated at him than he had been this early morning when he had argued for him to go see a doctor. After a lot of fuss, Nate had to force him to go see one or at least call one when the threat of breaking Eric's camera had been made. Kids tactics, no doubt, but as he had held that camera in his hands he had meant it. 

He looked at the road ahead with weary eyes as he figured he must have slept for a total of half an hour due to worried thoughts flying through him during the night. Turning the radio on to wake himself up he eagerly drummed his fingers on the wheel to an old 90's song when it was suddenly interrupted by a traffic announcement.

“As reported earlier an accident involving two cars and a pedestrian has occurred in the traffic traveling west on Cherry Hill Highway. There are still queues out there so delays in this morning traffic are to be expected for those of you who are heading towards Ellicot City. It is confirmed that the accident was caused by a disoriented man walking around on the Highway. Both the man and the two drivers have been taken to hospital but no life threatening injuries have been reported. This was Diane Jacobs for Traffic Now”

With that, the song started up again. Hearing the announcement, Nate figured he must not have been the only one tired this morning as he drove up to the teachers' parking lot. He had a schedule full of classes for the day, or as Barbara referred to it; 'Tedious Tuesday', followed by a meeting with the Dean at 5 pm. It was going to be a long, long day.

…

“Nate darlin', what's the hurry?!” Barbara shouted disappointedly after him as he hurried down the corridor. She was more than ready to tell someone all the juicy details of her yesterday afternoon. In fact, if she couldn't do it soon she would probably burst and start spilling the news to one of her students. 

“SorryBabs, can'ttalkrightnowI'mrunninglate! SeeyouthisafternoonatJo-Ann's!” Nate shouted back over his shoulder. 

Damn, that's right, they had a meeting with Mrs. Keith to attend at 5. Tedious Tuesday indeed, Barbara thought, letting out an exasperated sigh and turned her heel. Thom would have to do for now. She was almost certain he could handle all the details. 

Almost running down the corridor, Nate zigzagged his way across the students on his way to the classroom when suddenly hearing someone call for him. 

“Mr H! Mr H! Wait up!” The voice shouted eagerly. 

Not being able to ignore the voice he stopped and turned, only to discover Cassidy behind him. Sometimes he wished he wouldn't listen. 

“Why the hurry Mr H? I almost lost sight of you for a while” she breathed heavily, clearly not fit, despite her thin body, although smiling. 

Nate shot a quick glance at his wristwatch, an old present from Eric he refused to get rid of. “Cassidy, I'm a bit late I'm afraid. Can this wait till later today?” he asked, hoping she could discuss whatever it was she wanted to talk to him about on her afternoon class with him. 

“It will only take a second Mr. H” the girl smiled back reassuring. 

Another glance at the watch and Nate came to a quick decision. “Let's walk and talk then” he said and continued towards the B building, forcing Cassidy into an almost jog next to him. “Now, what can I do for you Cassidy?” He was eager to shake her off as quickly as possible. What he'd witnessed between her and Justin yesterday still made him feel uncomfortable. 

“Well I was just wondering if you would consider being my tutor” she asked, cutting right to the chase. There was an undeniable spark in her eyes and a big smile written across her face as she pressed her schoolbooks close to her chest, her high, tight ponytail dangling.

Surprised, Nate raised a brow but without slowing down his pace. This was not a 'will only take a second' issue. Gathering his thoughts, he cleared his throat. “Cassidy, I don't mean to come off as inconsiderate, but why do you think you need a tutor? You're top of the class already” Tutoring was not something new to him, even if he hadn't done it in a while. But tutoring a smart student as Cassidy was. 

Cassidy could read the clear signs of hesitance in Nate's face. “Look at it this way then, maybe it wouldn't be so much a tutor as it would a mentor. I just figured it would be easier for everyone else if we said you were tutoring me. You know, less jealousy that way.” she explained. 

Nate mentally shook his head in confusion at the comment and stopped suddenly as they'd reached the classroom. “Look, how about meeting later and talk some more?” he tried. At the moment, his mind was not in the right place to be thinking about this.

“Sure Mr. H. I'll be waiting” Cassidy answered perky, her teeth shining as clear as the pearls in her ears. 

And waiting she did. When Nate emerged from the classroom, as the first body out of the room, Cassidy was still there and as he walked off she resumed the conversation just where she'd left it. 

“So what do you reckon? Would you consider being my mentor?”

Nate nearly jumped at the voice as he hadn't suspected her to still be there. “How long have you been waiting? Don't you have classes?” he asked, slightly frowning. The girl was certainly peculiar and he was beginning to understand for himself how truly obtrusive she could be, as Justin had explained to him yesterday afternoon. 

“That doesn't matter” she said and waved her hand in a dismissing gesture. “This is far more important” she dashed her eyelashes at him. 

Nate stopped and turned to her, he really didn't have time for this but he also realized he wouldn't be able to get rid of her either. Sighing, he figured he just had to skip his previous plans of grading papers. Looking up, he stared at the big, black hall clock behind Cassidy. “Come on, let's go to my office. We have thirty minutes.”

“Thank you Mr. H. You won't regret it!” Cassidy happily exclaimed and smiled contently as Nate led the way.  
…

A carefree whistling...someone in the distance...heard between birds chirping and someone sneezing from a window close by. A car, slowly moving over hard gravel, producing sweet sound under its rubber tires. A jogger slightly panting, dreams of a healthier life soon obtainable. A golden sun at the horizon, slowly descending, beams trickling onto the surface. Cutlery teasing about the intake of delicious food. A summer breeze cooling your heated skin. Laughter. The smell of flowers quickly passing by. One perfect summer evening...

Eric shot his eyes open and could feel his heart desperately trying to hold on to the dream as awareness so abruptly stole it away. It was already gone. Saddened, he let his head sunk back into the comforting pillow when he suddenly realized where he was. The DVD menu was tenaciously playing its intro, over and over again. Eric mustered up his strength and reached out for the remote to turn it off. The brown leather couch squeaked beneath him as he shifted his weight, which had become decreasingly lighter since the headaches had begun. 

He had come down here after Nate had left with the kids and after he had emptied the little what was left in his stomach when having thrown up for the second time that morning. He'd called Lars in the middle of the night saying he wouldn't make it to work the next day. For some reason, Lars had sounded more understanding than usual. None of his infamous 'toughen up little girl' lines, a reminiscence from his Viking days for sure. 

Eric looked at his fingers as he aimed the remote towards the TV. At least they weren't blurry as they'd been last night. As the DVD was turned off the time showed 10:47 on the display. Despite of his throbbing head he'd managed to sleep for almost three hours straight. A small victory in itself. 

Rubbing his neck, where most of the pain was now centered, he closed his eyes again. He had promised Nate to call a doctor but right now he couldn't manage getting up from the couch as the phone was too far away. It had to wait until later, he drowsily thought as his mind wandered off to a jumble of unsorted thoughts. All hopes of drifting back into the haze of happy memories were shattered as his mind insisted on focusing on much darker thoughts. 

Bruises. Black and blue. Yellow and red. Marks on his body. A dark figure. Pain. Anthony screaming for him. Running to him despite the pain..the pain...the...

Eric fluttered his eyes open but without seeing and felt his head pounding. It was as if his mind tried moving forward in a fog thick as maple syrup, fighting desperately from going under.

Emma. No, no, no, no. She ran away. Is she gone? Wait. She came back. Calling her...Words he didn't want to be spoken. Lying to Nate. Fighting. Needing. Losing. Carrie's big eyes of love. So innocent. Hold on. Wake up. Eric, wake up...

“Eric?”

Eric felt his left arm being gently nudged, and slightly bewildered, he opened his eyes. 

“Oh thank god, it sounded like you stopped breathing” Justin puffed his relief and quickly moved from his seat on the wooden table and plopped down in the big armchair near Eric's head.

Eric winced at the sound. “How did you get in?” he asked, voice raspy and mouth dry. 

“I knocked a couple of times, guess you didn't hear, so I used my key”

Lethargically, Eric slowly nodded his understanding and licked his dry lips. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his fist, he tried getting the sleep out of his eyes but made no attempt to get up. He looked at Justin who stared back at him with concerned brown eyes, not too unlike Nate's. All of Nate's siblings each had a key to their place, in case of emergency or watering the plants while they were away.

However, Justin was the only one who used his on a regular basis. After their parents' death he'd been living with them up till he turned twenty, and doing a raid in their fridge on Friday and Saturday evenings had always been a favorite activity of his ever since he discovered girls and parties, and, it still was. No matter if it was comfort food for a letdown heart or fast food after a heavy night of partying, he would every now and then stop by their house for old times sake, even if it was out of his way when heading back home. They didn't mind really, as the whole Hagen household would forever nurse a special place in their hearts for the boy who had now grown up.

That was the reason Eric always went shopping on Thursdays and why he made sure he stocked up a bit extra. What if he hadn't gotten the notion of going yesterday? What if he hadn't seen Emma? Then maybe he wouldn't be feeling like this right now. He closed his eyes tight and tried to forget about all the exhausting 'what ifs' life always threw at you. 

Justin bit on his lower lip and tried not to let the worry from seeing Eric's pale face take over. Nervously bobbing one knee, he asked, “Have you eaten anything?” Eric looked at him with one eye open and slowly shook his head. “Water then? You been drinking?”

Eric opened his other eye as well. “Nate sent you didn't he?”

There was no reason in denying it. “Yup. He's very worried about you you know.” He gave him a scrutinizing once-over “And frankly, so am I. And from talking with Emma, she is too.” he added, driving his point home.

That caught Eric's attention. “ You talk to Emma?” He wasn't sure why it surprised him so much. 

Justin drummed his fingers on the armchair and shot up a single eyebrow while pushing the other one down, causing a slight frown. He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah. Of course I talk to her. We're practically siblings. We talk” Nate hadn't informed him much about what was going on with Eric, just that he'd been suffering from headaches and was stressed out because of work. Emma had done a good job filling in the blanks as he'd spoken to her on the short drive over. 

Eric anxiously shifted his weight and pursed his lips tight. “So how much do you know?” he asked with a look of a kid who knew he'd been caught. 

“Enough” Justin stated abruptly and stared at him, briefly pausing as to make a point. As he got up from the chair, he continued with a sigh, “Enough to not make Nate and Emma the only ones who want you to seek a doctor. I'm gonna go get you a glass of water and something light to eat, then you are gonna call someone” he spoke calmly and with as much authority he could manage. 

In the doorway to the kitchen, Justin turned back and looked at Eric who was appearing very small under his quilt, eyes nearly hollow. A lightning of fear suddenly struck him and he clenched his jaw tight. He might not have called him dad, but Eric was the closest thing to a parent he had alive. He'd already lost two, he was not about to lose another one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 8

Full of expectation, Cassidy stepped into Nate's office for the first time, and as she had anticipated it felt cozy and homey, all the way down to the pen holder made out of leather. It sort of resembled an old library with its hundreds of books along the walls, all stuffed in a haphazardly order in the dark wooden shelves. In the middle of the room was a big desk, completed with an old fashioned green and golden desk lamp which stood in an interesting contrast to the new Dell laptop placed to the right on the desk. Two grand windows with white bars, surrounded by heavy dark blue drapes let in light to the room, even though she imagined Nate to often shut that light out when engulfing himself to his writing. 

Nate scanned the room when entering and quickly removed the pile of books from the visitor's chair and added them to his desk which was already littered with more books, research papers, brochures and papers to be graded. It was an 'organized mess' as he titled it, or 'creative chaos'. Simply put; the way he worked best. 

With a wandering gaze, Cassidy continued to look around the room. She noticed some diplomas on the walls along with some copies of his book he'd released a few years back. When knowing who would be her Eng. Professor, she had done her homework, and his book was on her 'to read' list. Finally taking a seat, she noticed Nate fidgeting with some papers and looking quite stressed. Her eyes settled on a picture frame behind him on the narrow wall between the two large windows. She figured it must have been a fond memory from a fishing trip with an old friend as the photo displayed a younger version of Nate, laughing together with a taller, darker man who held a fishing pole in his hand. Above the frame hung a bigger photo, the frame sequined with seashells, painted in a rather bold fuchsia, which showed three kids. To her content, there were no signs of a mother to them. 

“I didn't know you had kids Mr. H.” she nodded her head towards the picture.

Nate looked up at the sudden statement and glanced in the direction to where Cassidy's eyes were settled. An inevitable smile crept over his lips, as always when talking about his kids. “Oh yeah. That's an old photo though, the oldest one turned fifteen this year” he beamed. 

Amused, Cassidy bit the inside of her cheeks and smiled to herself, parents were always too easy to get sidetracked. Evidentially, Nate was just the same, a knowledge that might come in handy. Tilting her head, she narrowed her eyes at the photo. “They look really different from each other” she stated simply. 

Nate turned back to face her, and threw a quick glance at another, newer photo on his desk from a vacation in Florida, one that included Eric, hidden from her view. “That's because they were all adopted” he explained as he'd done many times before.

“Oh. I didn't mean to pry” Cassidy quickly assured even though she mentally jumped of joy. That's why no wife was shown! He must be a single father. 

“That's ok. I don't mind” Nate answered calmly. “Now, before we get off topic any further, tell me about this mentor idea of yours” he said and folded his hands on top of the desk. 

To Cassidy's delight, Nate was suddenly sounding more cooperative than before. She shifted forward in her seat and looked straight into his eyes while speaking very matter-of-factly. “I really enjoy your classes Mr. H. I hope you know that” she flattered. “You're a brilliant professor and if I could, I would attend nothing but what you teach. I feel uplifted every time I walk out of the classroom. So I was thinking of a way to further pick your brain and that's why I was thinking about you being my mentor. You would allow me to discuss all the interesting topics and wonderful authors you teach of, and in return I could provide you with feedback about what the other students think”

Nate looked at her with surprise. “Is that something I need you think?” he asked, scratching his cheek. 

Slightly squirming in her seat, Cassidy tried to figure out the best way to soften the blow. She simply smiled. “Well with all respect Mr. H, but sometimes the rest of your students just don't follow what you're talking about, especially poor Elisa”

Nate frowned. He wasn't sure if he would be offended that the students didn't seem to understand, or flattered that she wanted to discuss literature with him even after class. Slightly baffled by it, Nate leaned back in his chair. This was news to him as he had never been under the impression that his students didn't follow. What threw him back even more was how easy it had seemed for Cassidy to sell out Elisa, someone he thought was her friend. Feeling his suspicion towards the girl before him grow, he studied her face which was unfortunately free of emotions, save from a politician's smile. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Before he could think any further, his cell phone played its jolly tone. It was Emma. 

“Ems, what's up?” He glanced at Cassidy and slightly turned his chair away from her, looking for privacy. 

“I'm going home early. My afternoon classes got canceled” The girl was chewing on something. 

A lie of course, but as Nate's mind was currently occupied with other thoughts he didn't pick up on it.

Cassidy averted her eyes to the items around the room, making sure it at least didn't look as though she was listening in on the conversation. The phone call seemed to put her professor in a foul mood as a dispute was acted out between him and whoever it was he was talking to. She pretended not to see as he closed his phone, turning back to her. 

“Sorry 'bout that” he mumbled. “Where were we?”

Cassidy hadn't even opened her mouth before his phone rang again, however, this time around the melody didn't appear as friendly. 

“Ems, what now?!” Nate answered irritated and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“I'm walking over Chestnut bridge now. Listen. Just so you know” Emma said in a mocking tone, determined to mess with her father as he'd told her to report in wherever she went. “And call dad. I don't wanna be arguing with him why I'm home when I get there. Oh! Going up Maple Road now!”

“Fine Emma. Look, I don't have time for this now” he brushed her off and once again closed his cell, only this time he set it on silent and stuffed it away in his jack pocket which was flung over his chair. 

“There” he smiled pleased. “No more disruption.” Emma was right, he needed to call home and check up on Eric. But first, he needed to get rid of Cassidy. 

“Perfect” Cassidy grinned, ecstatically acknowledging that he'd put away his phone for her. For her!

“Now, this mentor thing.” Nate started with a serious look upon his face. “I obviously have to give it some thought. Also, I need to see if it's possible time wise” He needed some excuse not to make a haste decision as her eyes were pleading for it. 

“Well, I hope you don't mind...” the girl started and picked up a sheet of paper and placed it before Nate while leaning in over the desk. “...I took the liberty to get your schedule and you have an opening here and here” she said and pointed to the paper with her long, thin finger. 

Nate shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not sure he was liking where the conversation was going. The times in the schedule she was referring to was time he usually spent working on his book or preparing classes. He looked at Cassidy who was hopefully lingering, still leaned in over his desk, and tried figuring out if it was just a mentor she was after. The girl was indeed a bit odd but she was also fairly new in town, something that was never easy. His train of thoughts came to a sudden halt when there was a knock upon the door.

“Come in” Nate called, not expecting anyone, but feeling grateful he'd been 'saved by the bell'. However, his mood dropped when he realized who it was, Mr. Happy himself; Warren.

“I just came from Mrs. Keith” he said dryly. “She asked me to give you this for your 5 o'clock” he handed over a paper which he dropped onto the desk before Nate could grab it. Pursing his lips he glanced down at the student who sat leaned in over Nate's desk. Was that a hint of cleavage he saw? The audacity! 

“Thank you Warren” Nate said short.

The tension in the room didn't go unnoticed by Cassidy as Warren's disapproving eyes scanned the room and daggers were flying from Nate's eyes before Warren finally made an exit. 

“Not a big fan?” she nodded back towards the door.

“Something like that” Taking a deep breath and collecting his thoughts, Nate remembered to look at the time and realized he would be late. Again. “Shit!” He hastily rose from the chair, sending it backwards against the wall, jacket almost flying off. He quickly grabbed his briefcase and the papers he'd been fidgeting with. “I'm gonna be late again. Why don't you let me think about this mentor idea for a bit and I can get back to you. I'll call you tomorrow ok?”

Cassidy elegantly rose from her chair. “Sure thing Mr. H” she picked up a business card from her small bag and pushed it into Nate's hand. “Just let me know what you decide. You can call me whenever you like” she said and fired off a seductive smile before they both parted in the hall packed with students.   
…

“So? What did they say?” Justin asked anxiously as Eric handed him the cordless phone back.

“I got an appointment tomorrow at ten. They said if it got worse before that I would call them again.” He paused, catching his breath, one almost out of relief. “Thanks for coming by, but you can go now. You probably need to go back to school. I really feel better now” Eric insisted. He hadn't touched his crackers but the glass of water Justin had given him had done more good than expected, maybe he'd just been a bit dehydrated. 

Shaking his head, Justin planted himself firmly back in the armchair. “No way. I'm not leaving you alone”

Eric let out an almost inaudible sigh. “I'm afraid I'm not much of a company right now” he tried.

Crookedly smiling, Justin continued, “I don't care. I'm staying” He made it very clear that this was not an issue to be debated or argued. 

“Ay ay Captain” Eric saluted, attempting to lighten the mood even though his spirits felt anything but lifted. 

Justin chuckled. “God, that reminds me of that tree fort we built” A dark cloud suddenly passed across his face and he cleared his throat, trying to shake himself out of the dark thoughts as memory took over. He swallowed a forming lump in his throat and fidgeted with the fabric on the chair's left arm. “I was probably too old for one but I remember being sad that dad never got around to built one with me...” his voice trailed off. 

Eric continued softly, “So I took you with me out in the woods and did it instead”

“Yeah...” A thought suddenly came across and Justin's face shifted into a smirk. “Then you insisted on reenacting Star Trek.” he laughed, shaking his head. “You're such a nerd.” 

Despite the throbbing pain, that memory managed Eric to smile back at Justin while they shared a knowing look. He remembered that weekend well. It had been around a year after Anne and Landon's death, a year full of pain and sorrow. Shortly after the accident he and Nate had decided to leave their small apartment and move in with Justin, avoiding to uproot him from his home. Jen and Helen had left the nest several years ago. On that particular day, Nate had been out with Emma, leaving Eric all to himself with Justin, at the time 13. After not hearing a sound from the boy for several hours, Eric had eventually found him locked up in his closet, crying. Wedging himself down between boxes of old clothes and toys he had stayed seated next to Justin for a long time, one arm over his shoulders, trying to give comfort. He had never asked what had brought it on but Justin had been so sad about the fact that Landon had never built a tree house with him. After a while, Eric had dragged him out of the closet, driven down to the lumberyard and bought some wood. For each hour they'd worked on their project, Justin's smile had grown wider. It had pleased Eric seeing Justin so happy again and he knew in that moment that the next time he and Nate would adopt, they would aim for a son. He had also vowed to himself to never forget to build a tree house with his own son. Eric smiled to himself at the thought. Thank god the fort was still there, it had been quite the ordeal to build, boy scout training or not. Justin had never really used it much after that one perfect afternoon of Star Trek reenacting, Captain Kirk impersonation and all, besides an occasional getaway into solitude. Just as Emma had done last night.

Eric reminded himself to go check up on it to make sure it wasn't on the verge to rotten and break down. He couldn't stand if his kids would get hurt from something he'd neglected. He frowned slightly as new guilt hit him. 

The expression didn't go unnoticed by Justin who immediately reacted. “You ok?” he asked, a smile quickly wiping away. 

Eric waved a hand in the air, brushing it off. “I'm fine” There was no point in putting any more worry in Justin's eyes. 

Justin figured he'd pushed Eric enough for a while when he had demanded him to call the doctor, since the man had never taken a liking to being pushed, stubborn as he was. Therefor, he glanced at his watch and let the dismissing comment go. “It will be a while until someone gets home. What do you wanna do?” he asked, drumming his hands on his knees. 

Eric raised a brow and pulled the blanket tighter. “Sleep”

“Well, that's no fun for me is it?” There was no way he would let Eric doze off, what if something happened in his sleep? Was it really sane letting him wait until tomorrow? Maybe he should just get him to a doctor right away. But then again, they had said to come in tomorrow. Taking a deep breath he tried to prevent himself from fretting. 

“Then you better come up with something to do 'cause I'm staying put” Eric muttered, sounding more cranky than he had wished for. 

“Ok. Fine” Up for the challenge, Justin looked around the room, pondering about what to do. Read? he thought as he spotted Nate's massive bookshelf. Nah, too lame. His eyes wandered to Eric's collection of DVD's, which had always impressed him as younger. Looking at a movie was probably not a good idea right now though, especially not the action packed ones he enjoyed with their loud sound and flashing images. He got an idea that might cheer Eric up. “I know. You tell me a secret and I'll tell you mine”

Eric slowly lifted an eyebrow, not looking too amused by the idea. “Are we fourteen? And girls?” He just wanted to go back to sleep, tiredness was starting to set in again. 

Justin laughed at his dry humor and gave him a friendly slap on the arm. “Oh come on, it will be fun. Just humor me. It's not like you have something better to do”

Sighing, Eric found that he couldn't argue with that reason. “Fine. But you'll go first”

“Why do I have to go first?” Justin protested. 

“Because you're the kid and I'm the...grownup, or whatever. Besides, it's your idea anyway” Eric pulled the blanket tighter as a shiver ran through his body. 

“Or whatever is more like it” Justin teased. “Ok, I'll go first but you have to swear not to tell my horrible siblings. ALL of them” Justin punctuated, meaning that all, included his brother. 

“You got my word. I won't tell a soul” Eric promised and pretended to zip his mouth shut. “Cross my heart and hope to die” he teased, all in the spirit of the little girls' game.

“Ok” Justin said, licking his dry lips and wiping his hands on his jeans as if suddenly feeling nervous. “I met this girl...”

“Again?” Eric sarcastically interjected, a hint of drowsiness in his voice. 

“Oh shut up”

“Is it the same one as the one you so obviously met Friday?” Eric asked more seriously even though Justin failed in picking up on it. 

“Yes!” Justin shot back, but immediately calmed down when he saw how his raised voice affected Eric. Puckering his lips, he looked rather shyly at Eric underneath his boyish bangs. “I think this might be it Eric” he said in a much lower voice than he usually used and unconsciously held his breath. 

Showing interest, both Eric's brows rose. “Oh?” For being Justin, this was certainly something new. “Who is it then?”

Hesitating, Justin paused with a nervous sigh. 

“Well?” Eric asked impatiently, momentarily forgetting about his own inconvenience.

“It's Andrea!” Justin exclaimed as if ripping off a band-aid. 

“Andrea who?”

“Andrea!”

Eric knitted his brows. “Wait. My Andrea?” 

“Yeah...” Justin shyly looked down. 

“How did that happen? She hasn't said anything...” This was the most intriguing news Eric had heard in a long time and he listened eagerly as Justin explained.

Justin shrugged his shoulders. “I noticed her whenever I visited you at work and at LNTV's summer party we started talking some but nothing really happened and then we met at this party a couple of weeks back. And it just feels so right” Joy was shining from his eyes. 

“That's great” Eric smiled back at him, genuinely happy. He'd never reflected on it before but the more he thought about Justin and Andrea together, he actually thought they made a good couple. 

“Don't tell anyone else yet” Justin quickly reminded. “I wanna see how it goes first. No point in giving them extra fuel” he said, referring to his siblings' teasing. 

“Your secret is safe with me. I really am happy for you J. I'll keep my fingers crossed.” 

“Thanks” Justin confidently sunk back in the chair and felt himself relax. The cat was finally out of the bag. Partially anyway. “Now, I told you my secret. Your turn.”

Before Eric even had a chance to ponder about what secret to pick, during the years he'd collected quite a few, he heard the front door flew open and in walked two very stomping and very familiar feet. Eric closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, gathering strength for the approaching storm.

Justin registered the shift in Eric's mood and when he looked back over his shoulder he saw Emma standing in the door way. Apparently home, but way too early. 

Eric pinched the bridge of his nose. “Emma. Are you home already?” The annoyance too evident in his voice. She was suppose to be in school at this hour. God knows what she'd been up to now. 

“Didn't daddy call you?” she answered irritated. “I told him to” What was up with everyone? Couldn't they do anything right?!

With all his willpower, Eric tried to suppress his headache. “No, he didn't. What are you doing home?” he pressed. 

There was a pause in the room and the tension thick as butter. Justin looked back and forth between them both as if being a spectator at Wimbledon, looking at the ball getting smashed over and over again between the great players. He almost held his breath to see who was going to lose the set. 

“Well?” Eric angrily said.

“Talk to daddy. I'm going to my room” Quickly, Emma turned and ran up the stairs. Behind her she could hear her dad call, “Emma! I'm talking to you!”

Her plan was in motion. Time to execute it. 

…

With one hand over his eyes, Eric lay simply breathing. It was the only task he could seem to handle at the moment. Yet another confrontation with Emma that had gone wrong. Why did it had to be like that? He couldn't take it much longer, he needed to come up with something...

“Do you want me to get you anything?” Justin asked concerned while breaking Eric's train of thoughts. 

Closing his eyes, he pushed himself to speak. “Actually...” Before he could finish his sentence, loud music came from upstairs, making the china vibrate. To Justin's surprise, Eric silently laughed. 

“Actually” Eric tried again, despite of the increasing pain. “Could you go out to my car and look for some Advil” The exertion of speaking pushed forward a pearl of sweat on his upper lip. He prayed that the two Advil he had taken last night hadn't been the last ones, even if he knew that was wishful thinking. 

“Sure” Justin started getting up when something suddenly dawned on him. “Oh! Before I forget.” Digging deep in his pocket he retrieved a car key. “Thanks for the loan man”

When looking at his own car key in Justin's hand a moment of confusion passed Eric's memory. When had he borrowed his car to him?

As if on cue, Justin provided the answer. “We had a blast Friday. Although we had to squeeze a bit, even in your car. But hey, got me closer to Andrea” he chuckled slightly. 

Of course. How could he have forgotten that Justin borrowed his car after dinner. He'd been complaining about picking the shorter straw and therefore he was the designated driver for his friends, all seven of them. He had taken off early to pick them up after Eric had offered his car to him, after making sure he and Nate were getting a ride home with Helen and Matt instead. 

There was still something that didn't add up and he had to fight with his memory. “Wait. But I used it early Saturday morning. Did you park it here during the night? How did you get home?” For some reason Eric couldn't figure out, Justin's face flushed. Eric pushed down the blanket a bit as he felt his face getting warmer. The headache started to subside, making it easier to think straight.

“Christian gave me a ride. He had his motorcycle here. And before you say anything, he'd only had one beer, so don't worry”

“Good” That explained it, Eric thought and was ready to forget it when a horrible thought planted itself in his mind, his heart suddenly beating faster. “Justin” he started very carefully, almost afraid to go on. “Your friends, they didn't happen to be drinking mini vodka bottles were they?” he asked very quietly, praying he would be wrong and hoping to God that he hadn't been falsely accusing his daughter.

“Oh man, did you find one? I'm sorry. I told them to pick them up after themselves. But drunk people, what are you gonna do ey?” Justin smiled apologetically. “I thought I picked them all up before I left, guess I must have missed some in the dark” That wasn't really the truth, it hadn't really been too dark since the almost full moon had lit up the night. No, instead he had missed the bottle because he had eagerly hurried away from the house when hearing very loud sounds coming from inside. Sounds he did not like to envision together with his brother or Eric. 

Eric stared blankly at him as Justin spoke and felt pearls of sweat roll down his forehead. Damn, damn, damn. Emma hadn't been lying. Her fierce protests had been the truth. He needed to apologize. Right away. Throwing off his blanket, he tried getting up when his headache once more got the better of him and he fell back again. “I need to talk to Emma” he said, eyes bewildered. 

“Whoa! Just take it easy. Just stay there” Justin motioned at the couch. “I'll go look for the Advil ok. Just stay. I'll be right back” 

As soon as Justin had hurried outside, the music from upstairs became even louder, making thinking impossible. Eric didn't care, despite the pain, he needed to get upstairs. No matter what.

…

Justin tossed the empty Advil box aside and continued searching through the car. This was ridiculous, he should just take Eric to the hospital right away. And why the hell did Emma need to play so darn loud! His brother should be dealing with this, not him.

He didn't care about the mess he made as he went through the glove compartment, sending stuff out onto the floor. Mr. Nitpick would not be happy about that but right now he couldn't care less. Why did he need to talk to Emma all of a sudden? Why could he never see what was best for him?! That stubborn man! He should be laying down! 

Frustrated about not finding what he was looking for, Justin drew in a deep breath of cool air, and slammed the car door shut. Screw it, he thought and decided he would just take him to the hospital. Something that would be easier said than done. Fully determined not to budge down no matter how much Eric would resist, Justin entered the house.

“Eric, I don't care...” he stopped himself in mid-sentence as his mind went blank from the view before him. 

From then on, just as he'd seen in films, everything stopped and moved in slow motion as he ran forward and dropped to his knees. All sounds around him ceased to exist and he wasn't sure if his heart was beating at 2000 bpm or had stopped completely. 

The sudden sound of Emma's high pitched voice threw him back to reality.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!”

“Emma call 911! NOW!!!”

…


	2. Chapter 2

Ch 9

“Mr. Hagen can you hear me?! Eric?”  
“Eric?! Come on!”  
“Dad, please dad”  
“Oh my god, what's happening? Why isn't he wakening up?”  
“Dad!! Dad!! Dad!!”  
“Please stand back sir”  
“39 year old male, collapsed, been suffering from headaches about a month according to his daughter. Not yet received consciousness”   
“Is he going to be ok!?”  
“Please wake up...wake up....wake up...”  
…

The weather outside was still dull and somber from the previous day of heavy rain and the clouds seemed impossibly thick as well as utterly unwillingly in letting any sun beams through. It was just one of those tedious early autumn days that seemed longer than usual and slightly more boring than all the other days. It was a day to curl up under the blanket with a cup of cocoa while watching an old classic or reading a book. For most people it was a Tuesday like any other, a day filled with work, school, obligations, homework and an occasional smile from someone who was there to lift your spirits.

Everything seemed normal to nearly everyone on this particular Tuesday, except for four people. All of them who in that moment had been thrown into unusual situations, miles away from their orbit of normality. Oblivious of each other and what they all were going through they didn't know that they shared something else in common other than going through unexpected things. In different ways, they were all in that moment affected by the same person. And that person was Eric Hagen. 

…

Thom Whitaker found himself in a situation he wasn't familiar with. Sure, he'd heard about it in theory, seen it happen on countless of TV shows, but getting a front row seat and actually act it out was something completely new to him. He wasn't entirely sure how it had all happened or what had brought it on, neither did he really care as right then, in that very moment, he was completely content with life.

Had he been a smoker, he was certain he would had been taking a drag on one right then. Instead he found himself enjoying the rather unfamiliar fumes coming from the lit cigarette in the mouth of the woman laying next to him. It had been a long time since he'd felt the way he was and up till a few moments ago he hadn't realized just how much he had missed it. Showing his delight, he placed two hands behind his neck and let a rather goofy grin tug at the corners of his mouth, inevitable forming into a big smile. Never in a million years did he think that lying cramped up on the floor in the school's cleaning closet could be so delightful. He had completely missed his first classes that morning but all things considered, he couldn't care less. It wasn't like him to feel that way as he loved nothing more than to teach, but even he had to admit to this new feeling; he liked it.

“What are you smiling about?” Barbara pulled the fabric of her, now loosened, Rosie the Riveter style turban a little closer around her bare chest and took another puff of her cigarette, an unhealthy post sex habit, and yes she was quitting but it was just so. darn. good. “One might think you're satisfied or something” she said without looking at him, not shedding a hint of humor into the sentence. 

Thom shot a glance down at her and smiled inwardly at her ever so tough exterior. A surface he saw right through, she fooled no one, and at least not him. He shrugged his shoulders. “I've just never done this before. I think I like it” he stated, somewhat shyly.

“Done what? Played nookie hookie?” Pleased with her own wordplay she looked at him and wiggled her eyebrows, causing a laugh to erupt from Thom's sinfully, delicious mouth.

“Do you think our students miss us?” He asked rhetorically, a slight smirk behind his lips. 

“Doubt it” Barbara answered and took a final drag of her cigarette before she sat up, keeping one hand over her chest so the fabric wouldn't fall, while looking for a place she could put it out when a small floor well caught her eyes. Crunching the butt against the rusty well, she felt Thom's hand unexpectedly tracing a circle in the small of her back and she immediately tensed. 

This wasn't the way sex usually happened, it was an action of cheap pleasure that she happily engaged herself in, as long as it was free of emotions. It wasn't like this, never like this. She was just suppose to gossip to him what had happened last night with that other guy -what a freak – when she and Thom suddenly had got caught up within their own emotions. This was all Nate's fault. She had already stayed settled next to Thom longer than she had done with anyone for many, many years. And no one ever touched her affectionately like that. It wasn't her style. 

Despite of herself, once her first reaction subsided of wanting to slap his hand away, her tensed shoulders released somewhat and she felt her body coming accustomed to the strange hand. Slowly, she settled back down again, allowing herself to stay next to Thom a little longer, but making sure she wouldn't fall into the sentimentally spectacle of an actual embrace. 

Thom sensed her reluctance and withdrew his hand, placing it back behind his head. He tried sorting out the web of questions floating around in his head. The one that gnawed his mind the most was why it had happened now all of a sudden. Admittedly, there had always been an underlying current of some sort of tension between them, even a blind man could see it, he was fully aware of that. He just never thought they would act on it. It had probably only been circumstances causing such event to take place. And judging from what Barbara had told him there was probably one person he could thank for it. 

“I guess I have to give Nate some flowers now” He said solemnly.

“What?” Barbara couldn't help but laugh at the sudden exclamation. 

“You know, for getting me laid” Thom smirked. Being alone around Barbara always caused him to be outspoken, a small but enjoyable effect she possessed. “You said it yourself, had he not been in such hurry before, you had not looked me up and thus, I had not been here, naked”

Barbara pondered about the equation for a second. “I guess it's Eric you should really be thanking though” 

Thom turned to his side, getting fully access to view her features up close and it dawned on him what strong jawline and long eyelashes she had. “Why is that then?” he asked, studying the arc of her lips. 

“Well my guess is that Nate was late because of him, probably worried for him of what I can tell from what he told me yesterday, therefore he blew me off when I wanted to talk, making me seek your advice and so here we are”

“Good point, I better send him flowers too” Thom laughed. 

As their laughs died, a moment of silence fell between them, both contemplating on what to say. They had been friends and colleagues for many years and now they were suddenly something else. It was bound to feel awkward, as neither one of them could figure out what that 'something else' might be. 

Thom sought out Barbara's serious look and silently moved her palm to his face, gently giving it a soft kiss. To his shy content, it coaxed a small but evident smile from her lips. There was no rush figuring out what would happen, time would eventually show them. 

...

Nate Hagen was late. It wasn't really unusual regarding him but this afternoon he was running later than even he felt comfortable with. He had stayed behind in the classroom, grading the papers which he'd skipped due to the improvised meeting with Cassidy. It was soon time for his third class for the day and he realized it had to be a quick lunch. 

He therefore found himself inside “Cup of Joe”, not too far from campus, a small café which had been around for ages. He smiled fondly at the memories from when he'd been a student hanging out at the place. Not so much for their great coffee but more for the view from the window. Across the street Eric had been working a part time job after school at a newly opened Burger Bar. At first, Nate had been hanging around with him but after Eric's boss had been on his case Nate had eventually had to leave him alone. All the way to the other side of the street were he still had a good view of his, at the time, boyfriend. The burger place across the street had closed several years ago but that didn't stop Nate from still visiting the café from time to time, reminiscing in old memories. It seemed like such a long time ago.

The queue was moving slower than anticipated and he realized he would probably need to down his lunch while hurrying back to the classroom. Rushing through the street of Langston he found his thoughts once again turning to Cassidy. He wasn't sure what to think of the whole issue. He was frustrated that it was yet another thing that had taken away his attention from Eric and what was going on at home and he wanted nothing more than for the day to be over. It was starting to take its toll and he was more exhausted than he realized as he took the first bite of his roast beef subway. A night without much sleep made itself reminded again when he unwillingly heaved a deep yawn and felt the brisk air blow against his face.

He was trying to make up his mind regarding the whole mentor thing. It would take time from his writing and he wasn't so sure he was willing to sacrifice that. Not now when the new book was coming along really well. There was despite that a small part of him that couldn't help but feel intrigued to had found someone who knew their way around literature like he did. Despite her young age, Cassidy did. Eric was often kind enough to listen to his long rants about the latest book he'd read but he failed when it came to discuss them. He still had time to make up his mind though, it wasn't tomorrow yet, and he would give it a hard thought as soon as he got home. 

Thinking of home, he needed to call home and check in on how Eric was doing, hopefully he had called a doctor by now. He knew all too well how stubborn his husband could be in that area and that's why he had sent Justin over who would make sure it happened. Digging deep in his pockets for his phone he suddenly remembered he'd left it in his office. Worry gnawed in his stomach since he would have liked to call and make sure everything was ok but he had no time to do so before he needed to start his third class. This day really wasn't working with him. He wanted to be home and make plans for the weekend with Eric, he was sure that would make him a world of good. But he couldn't and right now he just had to live with the uncertainty on how he was doing. As long as Justin was there though he felt fairly calm. He just prayed that Eric and Emma wouldn't be at each other's throats again. 

...

Warren Bishop was a man of many principles, traditional if you will. He liked things in a certain way and when something or someone disrupted that certain way there was great agitation growing inside. Change wasn't really something he favored though consistency was something he highly treasured. He got up at six sharp in the week, never slept past seven on the weekend and every Sunday he attended Mass. He drank his morning coffee, always black, while reading the daily newspaper, just the news, never the 'Arts' section. He ate his dinner at exact 6:30 and went to bed at 22:00 after brushing his teeth for the recommended two minutes. 

There were rules and orders in his life, just the way he liked it. The part about it that he didn't like however, was that everyone else seemed to operate without any rules at all. It frustrated him. He strove to always have control but as he got older and the world seemed to change faster each day he found himself losing it little by little and that was the reason why annoyance had become his most extended emotion. 

Rules and orders had haunted him his whole life, no doubt because of his equally strict father. He'd even become a teacher to try and prevent change, keep the stability in society and try and put some value into his students' minds, but to his defeat, falling short. 

Since his wife had passed away, nearly a decade ago, his work was all he got and he had served Langston University for over thirtyfive years. He was aware that some people considered it too long and would gladly see him leave. For that single reason he knew staying friends with the principal was a good idea and so far no one had asked for his resignation. He would go down fighting before he willingly left. Whether they knew it or not, they needed him. Someone needed to maintain rules and structure, especially with teachers like Nate Hagen around. It wasn't enough that they let a homosexual man teach, god knows what he could infiltrate the youth's mind with, but they actually condoned of his peculiar methods. 

At first he had found him a rather pleasant man, a tad flaky perhaps, but all in all a good person. That was until he'd gone around proudly parading his private life as it had been nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't enough that he had a husband, they had dragged three poor, innocent children into the equation as well. It was a stigma to the university, a pure exhibition of the devil. 

In the beginning he had tried praying for him in Mass that God would release him from his sin but after time went by and he saw no change what so ever, he no longer saw a point with it. He would happily see him burn in the eternal flames. 

Even so, Warren considered himself a good, righteous human being and therefore he had no other choice than take as much of a distant stand from Mr. Hagen as he could. He wanted nothing, and could have nothing, to do with him.

This was also the reason why he at this very moment was exceedingly torn. Barely a couple of minutes had gone by since the phone had rung in the teachers' lounge. Since he presently found himself alone he had naturally picked it up, something he now regretted deeply. 

The caller had been a younger man who'd failed stating his name. His voice had sounded upset, desperate even, when begging him to find Nate since his husband had collapsed and he couldn't reach him on his cellphone. Despite himself he had scribbled down the details on a yellow post-it – Eric at Memorial, Emma was with him, they knew nothing of what was happening – and before hanging up promised him he would let Nate know what was going on. 

Now staring at the little note, he was baffled he had done such thing. He had unwillingly been given more information than he cared to know and he found himself at a loss on what to do.

It was wrong to mix yourself with the Devil's child but wasn't it written in the Bible “Thou shalt love thy neighbor”? Warren frowned; although he was faithful to the holy book he considered that particular line a bunch of mumbo jumbo. He could not and would never care for someone like Nate. Or his peers. Not all humans on this earth were deserving of love. 

However, he had made a promise and Warren Bishop never betrayed a promise. But for all he knew the caller could might as well be one of 'them'. It wouldn't surprise him, they seemed to recruit people from all corners these days. 

Giving the issue at hand some further contemplation, he finally decided to meet the caller half way. He looked at the note and decided he didn't need to rewrite it - his handwriting was impeccable – before he headed towards Nate's office. He had decided to hang the note on his door, surely he would find it sooner or later, and thereof release himself from any obligations. It was the optimal solution.

Heading down the corridors, a girl's shoulder suddenly bumped into his arm. Damn kids, they were always so reckless these days. 

“Shouldn't you be watching where you're going?” He scolded at the girl who hurried away. As she turned to say her apology he noticed it was the same girl he had seen in Nate's office earlier that day.

“I'm so sorry” she shouted apologetically. “I'm in a hurry, I just found out my friend is in the hospital!” she rattled off without breathing. 

Warren turned his back on her and muttered to himself as she disappeared into the crowd as quickly as she had appeared. It suddenly seemed like the whole world was ill. 

... 

 

Justin O'Connor hated hospitals with a passion, despite the fact that he had never been sick or had had reason to seek medical attention for any kind of illness. Never the less he had a deep hate towards medical centers of any kind and it was something you would easily understand if you knew him. If you didn't, you might have considered him one of the lucky ones even, having only visited a hospital a mere of three times in his young life. 

Unfortunately, all three visits had resulted with deaths. 

The first time was starting to fade in his memory as he'd been very young, if he remembered correctly, no more than nine years old. It had been an early morning when he had rushed with his family to the emergency with his grandma who had suffered from a stroke in the middle of the night. There had been nothing the doctors could have done. 

The second time was a visit that would never fade. They say that time makes you forget pain, it was nothing that applied to this occasion; the time of his parents' death. He had been twelve years old at the time and his whole world had fallen apart, the only reason why it hadn't collapsed completely was Nate and Eric. 

The third time had been when he was seventeen after an unlucky accident involving two cars and his unstoppable skateboard rushing down a steep road at Maple Hill. He had jumped off the board in time when realizing he wouldn't be able to stop himself before the intersection, getting away without as much as a scratch. As he had visited the hospital to see how the drivers were doing they had let him know that one hadn't made it as the car had slammed hard into a light pole. The guilt over it sometimes haunted him till this day. The only comfort he took was that the driver had been an 83 year old man who had seen more of life already than the 26 year old woman driving the other car. 

Now here he was for the fourth time in a hospital he had grown to despise and the moment when he had found Eric on the floor kept playing over and over in his mind, as some broken old record. He had looked so pale. The minutes until the ambulance arrived were all in a fog. The only thing he could really recall was Emma's cries and desperate pleads for Eric to wake up. He never had. 

Blankly, he stood watching out the window while squeezing his cellphone tight in his right hand. There wasn't really much to look at except for a couple of rosebushes right outside the window, which had seen better days, and a flat, boring lawn. Even though the day outside appeared dull it was nevertheless comforting in knowing that life still moved on outside the hospital's walls. Leaves were still falling, people were still walking by and a little bug on the window was still struggling against the gush of winds. 

Justin stared down at his cellphone for the millionth time, silently praying it would emit a sound, any sound. But it remained as quiet as the room around him. There was some activity in the room, people coming and going, waiting for their loved ones, but Justin's brain failed in picking up any of the sounds around him and that's why he kept staring at his phone, afraid he would miss the smallest of sounds. 

From all the calls he had tried making, the battery level was now dangerously low and he hoped it wouldn't die before anyone had a chance to return his call. He'd lost count on how many times he'd tried Nate's cell and office number. He'd even tried going through the switchboard and reach that exhibitionistic art teacher and his own professor Whitaker who he knew Nate was both friends with. 

Finally he had reached the phone in the teachers' lounge where someone had answered. Justin had made the strange man promise to find Nate and let him know what was going on. He had also demanded Nate would call him as soon as he heard the news. That had been thirty minutes ago and all that ran through Justin's head was the question on where the hell his brother could be. It suddenly dawned on him that he had forgotten to say his name to the person he had spoken to, but after some thought he decided Nate must have figured it out anyway. Maybe he didn't want to waste time calling and was already on his way. Justin had also tried calling Helen and Matt, neither one of them answering and he had no idea where they could be, so for now, all he could do was immerse himself in some goddamn waiting. 

The whole world seemed against him and he would had been on the verge of breaking down if it hadn't been for the fact that he wasn't completely alone. Looking over to the place where Emma sat, he noted that her position hadn't changed one bit over the past one and a half hour they had been in that room. Her legs were drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them, half hiding her face as she leaned her chin between her knees. It was a comforting position as she kept staring out into empty space. The blue walls with the hideous borders in front of her was not a motive you would willingly keep on your cornea for too long. 

Justin stood watching her for a moment, still throwing glances at his phone every other second, and tried figuring out what to say. Ever since they had gotten to the hospital she hadn't said a word and he was fearing she was in some sort of shock. She hadn't cried either, she had just been sitting like she was right now and it scared him how calm she appeared. He himself had been shouting at doctors and nurses, demanding answers even though non was given. The ER was crazy and people kept streaming in; causing further delays in them ever finding out what was going on with Eric. 

After the ambulance had driven away with him they hadn't seen him more, even though Justin had probably committed more traffic violations than he could remember when trying to keep up with the speeding car. All they could do was wait and it was near that he couldn't stand it any longer. 

Silently, he went over to Emma and took the seat next to her. Without a word, he put an arm over her shoulder and for the first time she looked at him, big watery blue eyes meeting his. 

“Please tell me dad will be ok” she said with the smallest of voices before leaning in to Justin's embrace.

Heaving a deep breath of concern he fell flat of coming up with an answer that wouldn't give false hope, so he remained quiet. He just sat there, holding her hand, praying and hoping to a God he really didn't believe in or any other higher power that might listen that this time wouldn't turn out like the rest of the times he had been in a hospital. Eric would make it. He had to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 10 

Justin's arm was stiff from a dozing Emma leaning on it and he tried shifting slightly in his chair under the weight of her head upon his chest. It immediately caused her to sit up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and making the dry mascara crumble down under her eyes. She wondered what the time was as they had both lost track of it. 

“1:30” Justin answered and sprawled his numb fingers, wakening them up. It had now been an hour since he had spoken to Nate's colleague and there still wasn't a sign of his brother. Helen and Matt were also nowhere to be found. It made him worried. Especially since his cell had died about fifteen minutes ago. 

Emma sunk back in her own chair after hearing the time and let out an exasperated sigh – What was taking so god damn long? She still hadn't shed one single tear, something that even surprised herself. Everything was so confusing, she had enough thoughts filling her head, she didn't have time to cry trying to process them all. More than anything, all she wanted to do was run out of there, wake up and find that it was all just a bad dream. She looked down at her arm that was already beginning to turn blue at the area she had pinched it over and over again. No matter how hard she tried, she wouldn't wake up.

Justin run frustrated fingers through his hair over his brother's whereabouts. What could possible be keeping him? He thought about finding a pay phone and give it one more effort, trying to reach anyone.  
Just then, he noticed a woman wearing a doctor's robe quickly making a beeline towards them. She was in her thirties and had an Indian origin, her black hair cut short. Emma noticed her too and unexpectedly clutched Justin's hand, searching for reassurance when her heart nearly skipped a beat.

The woman stopped in front of them. “Are you the family of Eric Hagen?” she spoke as hastily as she walked.

“Yes, that's us” Justin answered nervously as they rose from their chairs, both holding their breath of what the doctor's next words would be. 

“Good” she smiled. “I'm Dr. Sitrahara, I apologize I haven't gotten in touch with you earlier, as you can see the ER is a bit crazy today” she said and looked around as to make her point. 

Justin shook his head. “That's fine. What about Eric?” he pressed, forgiving all about their long wait as long as they found out what was going on.

“Eric is right now undergoing a CT scanning. He woke up in the ambulance on his way over, a bit disoriented but there were no signs of any brain damages.” she explained straightforwardly. 

Justin drew an audible sigh of relief. “Oh thank god”

The doctor continued, “However, we don't know what caused him to collapse but hopefully the CT will show us a possible source for that.”

“So dad is ok?” Emma asked very carefully, her eyes intently looking at the woman before her.

“He is stable. So for now, yes, he is ok” Dr. Sitrahara gave the girl a strained smile. 

“How long will he have to stay here?” Justin wondered, affectionately squeezing Emma's hand who still hadn't let him go. 

“Depending on what the scanning will show us he might get to go home in a few hours or otherwise we will keep him a day or two for observation”

The doctor motioned for them to sit down as there were a few follow up questions she wanted to ask and further explain the situation. As Justin listened he sudden found his eyes drawn behind the doctor to two persons standing outside the room in the corridor who looked awfully familiar. One was a man he could have sworn he'd seen before but couldn't place. The other, shorter figure, was a woman he could only see from the back. He wasn't a hundred percent sure but if his instincts were correct; that mane belonged to someone he really didn't like.

Emma carefully listened at the doctor and tried her best to follow things that were really beyond her ken. She answered the questions asked to her on how her dad had been feeling lately and she told the doctor all about the painkillers he'd been taking and all the headaches he had been complaining about. Dr. Sitrahara seemed pleased by her replies. 

Throwing a glance at Justin and hoping he was understanding everything better than she did, she noticed him spacing out and so she gently but firmly kicked his foot, hoping Dr. Sitrahara wouldn't notice. The light kick threw him back in focus and as Justin continued to listen again Emma looked in the direction he had been staring. She couldn't grasp what could be so important. At first she just saw two strangers; a small woman she couldn't see the face of and a man with a thick beard. But at a closer exam she thought she saw some recognition about the man. He reminded her of that bum who had been fighting with the police outside Lipz Friday night, the night she and Ryan had been picked up by the police. It had only been four days since, but because of all the turmoil happening after, it seemed like ages ago. Giving him a last look, she wasn't entirely sure this was the same man as that bum but they sure did look alike.   
…

Eric stared down at a blue linoleum floor, unsure where he really was. He thought he recalled someone telling him where they were taking him but as he had been wheeled into a different room the voice had become detached to the actions and his mind once again fell into a fog of uncertainty. His left hand twitched slightly and he steadied it with his right upon his chest. He felt his heart beating hard underneath. 

He was laying on a narrow bunk, afraid to move even the slightest or he would easily had fallen off and therefore he kept concentrating on the floor, drawing some comfort from the unchangeable blue when two people kept running around him. The name 'Mary' or 'Marion' came to mind, but he wasn't certain if the name was really connected to one of the nurses. 

It was a darker sort of blue, the floor, not the kind you would find out in the nature, not a beautiful kind like that. No, this was the shade you would find on boys' toys, Superman's outfit perhaps. There were white specks in all the blue, making it even more unattractive but probably helping to cover up unwanted spots of dirt. Mind you, the room looked so sterile, he wasn't sure dirt ever made its way in there. 

The walls were white, nearly shining from the fluorescent lightning, reflecting in his eyes just as the sun. As he inspected the room further he saw some new machines he'd never seen before, and having been in hospitals quite a lot both through work and having three kids, he had seen most of them. On one of the short walls of the room was a big glass window, not one of those dark ones that would be found at police stations but a see-through one. Behind it he could see the top of several computer screens and behind them a person who was intently looking at them. 

Coming from nowhere, a nurse suddenly stood beside him. Long blond hair and a bright smile. He imagined her name to be 'Candy'. “Now this may cause some discomfort, but it's important that you remain absolutely still” she explain with a friendly southern accent as she fastened his body with a thick strap over his chest. 

Eric croaked a conceiving 'ok' - his mouth feeling dry - and moved his hands down to his stomach. The straps were a happy welcoming since he felt his body relax some when not having to concentrate as hard from falling off the bunk.

“Now I'm going to fixate your head. As soon as I'm done, I will step out of the room, but we will be right behind that glass wall and you'll be able to communicate with us at all time” she once again explained to him, propping pillows around his head and another strap over his forehead. 

The feeling of getting his head fastened was a bit odd at first and he had to try his hardest to once again relax. It was then he felt a small surge of pain in the back of his head and it all suddenly came back to him, what had happened, why he was there, the tests they had made and were currently going to make on him. It was something he had never experienced before and even though he didn't like to admit it, it frightened him a bit. Not the tests themselves, but what they would find out from them. He suddenly felt himself wishing Nate had been there.

“Ok, you are all set”, “Candy's” voice broke his thoughts “Just let us know if you're feeling any discomfort. And remember to stay absolutely still. Ok, Eric?”

The nurse's voice gave some comfort to his mind and he found himself liking how she spoke to him as if they had been friends for years. He wondered if that was something they learned in nurse school. When finding himself unable to nod his answer he responded with a simple 'yes'. 

She gave him an encouraging smile before walking out of the room and he found himself completely alone. Before he knew it, the bunk he was laying on started moving backwards. It stopped once his head had reached inside a giant circle formed machine. Within a few minutes the machine started making sounds that kept increasing in volume and speed, much like a washing machine's centrifuge. In the narrow slit he saw something spin inside the machine which made him a bit nauseated. He closed his eyes, wishing he was anywhere else but there. 

…

Nate looked at his precious wristwatch; it was almost two o'clock, still an hour to go of his third class, then a five minute break until his fourth and last would start, after that a meeting with Mrs. Keith and then finally he was off. At last, he could see his goal in sight. 

Due to a two on two poetry slam exercise currently being performed, his class was more boisterous than usual. It didn't bother him though as the task was something he had proudly invented himself to get their minds working after lunch break. Nate leaned back in his chair, trying to pick up on something that was being said in an attempt to evaluate their efforts but it was impossible from the cacophony of voices. 

As he looked out over his class there was something that surprised him, on the first row, next to Elisa Rourke was an empty chair. He was perplexed not to find Cassidy there, especially after the way she had gone on about his teaching skills this morning. He thought about asking Elisa if she knew of her whereabouts but as soon he managed to sought out the girl's gaze, she shyly looked down. One step back to the progress that'd been made yesterday by her. 

It was then he suddenly realized the moment would be a splendid opportunity to sneak out, go to his office, retrieve his phone, call home and hear Eric's voice. That was all he really wanted to do right now. No one would notice him being gone. It would only take ten minutes, tops. Without as much as a sound he walked over to the door and closed it quietly behind him. He was such a bad teacher he laughed to himself, amused. 

“You!”, came a determined voice from behind which made him spin around only to find Barbara approaching him with long steps, one hand raised, pointing her index finger at him, looking slightly bewildered. Great. He didn't have time for this.

“Can this wait?” he asked hopefully, one brow raised, although the look in her eyes had already told him otherwise. 

“No this can not wait” she repeated mockingly, putting her hands on her hips. “It was you not being able to talk to me in the first place this morning that got me into this”

“What do you mean?” he asked, eying her confused; he wasn't sure he'd seen her so upset in a long time, if ever. It wasn't her style. 

She threw her hands in the air. “I don't even know what to call it myself” 

“What?!” Nate had shouted out the question a little louder than intended, already tired of the mind games but to his delight it seemed to have an effect on Barbara.

“Come here” she said and tugged at Nate's arm, pulling him toward a secluded corner. She looked around, making sure no one was close enough to hear. “I slept with Thom” she hissed while whispering. 

“What?” He knew they liked each other, although not admitting it, but he never actually thought it would happen. “Really?” His face broke into a pleased smile and he knew Barbara would hate him for it. Which he got confirmed when she hit him on the arm. 

“Yes, really! And it's only because you couldn't talk to me this morning that I went to him, and then that happened, and now I don't know what to do. I mean, this is not me, I don't do feelings. This is just, it's just...argh.” She had started pacing in front of him. 

Nate tried wiping the smile off his face and see the seriousness in the situation. Or rather; her seriousness. “Just calm down, it'll be ok”

“Easy for you to say. You're not the one who just slept with a colleague.” she said, pointing one angry, shaking finger at him. 

It was too hard holding back any longer and so Nate started laughing. A couple of students passing by eyed him wondering and so he covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sounds.

“This is not funny” Barbara desperately tried reprimanding through clenched teeth. 

Nate bobbed his head, still laughing. “It kinda is” He was met by an evil stare and figured he should probably stop laughing while his arms were still intact. He looked down at his watch, gaining concentration again, and disappointedly realized his phone call had to wait. He'd been gone too long already, plus it would be a good excuse getting away from Barbara, the woman could sting like a bee at any second. “Look, we can talk some more about this later, but now, I really need to get back to my class”

“Fine” Barbara kept pouting like a five year old, her hands folded in front of her. “I'm holding you responsible if things are awkward from now on, just so you know!”

“Yeah, yeah.” he brushed her off. Before he opened the door to his classroom he turned and pointed to the ill made turban on her head “Is that suppose to be like that?” he winked, opened the door and left a muttering Barbara outside. 

…

After Dr. Sitrahara had hurried away, Justin's mind was left somewhat at ease and for the first time he felt as he could actually breathe again. Eric was ok. He didn't care right then that they didn't know what was wrong with him. The important thing was that he had woken up and that notion alone made him wanna jump out of joy. The other stuff they could deal with later. 

Looking at Emma, he could tell she felt the same way too and the two of them locked eyes and shared the same goofy grin. A grin that grew even wider when something from the corners of their eyes caught their attention and they looked over at the doorway. Because there stood no one else but Eric. 

“Dad!” Emma screamed, attracting attention from the rest of the waiting relatives, and literally jumped up from her chair and rushed into the arms of her father as fast as she could, all grudge between them forgotten. The impact made Eric take a stumbling step backwards but it did not stop him from tightly wrapping his long arms around his daughter. Tilting his head down, he nuzzled his nose into her pink highlighted hair and took in the piquant and familiar scent. If Justin had looked closely he would have seen a single, lonely tear run down Eric's cheek. Justin soon followed Emma suit and the trio shared a long embrace which brought them all some solace to their concerned minds. 

Justin was the first one to let go, letting father and daughter have a moment to themselves. Emma hid her face in Eric's chest and refused to release the grip around his waist as he gently stroked his daughter's shoulder. The view elicited a smile from Justin and he knew there would be a lot less fighting in the Hagen household from then on. All things would be ok. 

That was until Eric finally looked up at him and he saw the empty expression behind his eyes and his own smile dropped as fast as the hope in his heart. Something was not right. Eric's face didn't belong to someone who was happy being released from the hospital. There was no equal response to the grins that had just a second ago beamed out of Emma and he. Instead, two blank, dark pools stared at him and for a split second it felt like he'd been struck by lightning. 

Knitting his eyebrows, Justin asked, “What's wrong?” although he wasn't so sure he wanted to hear the answer. He tried masquerade it for Emma's sake, even so, there was true concern leaking from his voice.

“Where's Nate?” Eric asked quietly after giving the room a scan for familiar faces. 

Hearing her father speak, Emma at last let go of him and looked up at the two men, her joyful expression changing into a deep frown, once again planting worry back in her mind. Her eyes oscillated rapidly between her dad and uncle, watching hidden emotions being displayed but not spoken.

Justin swallowed. “I haven't reached him. I don't know where he is. I-I-I tried calling him” he stammered, feeling as though he had failed Eric.

“Oh” Eric's face remained without expression. He wasn't sure what to say, he needed Nate there, his air, without him he wasn't sure if he could breathe for much longer. Keeping his eyes between Justin and Emma, he looked in their direction without having to look at them, he just couldn't. “I need to talk to him”

“Yeah of course.” Justin quickly patted his pockets, searching where he had put the car keys, now only having one focus on his mind. “I'll go find him as soon as I take you home...”

“No!” Eric interrupted more abruptly than he had wished for and so he lowered his voice. “You need to drive me to LU, take Emma home and if you can; pick up the kids” he spoke clearly and resolutely. 

“But dad..” Emma started protesting, now fully aware that something more was going on than either one of them were telling her. Once again, she was treated as a kid and she hated it. She was cut off by a stern look from her father that said that this was not an arguing matter. 

Justin lay a comforting hand on her shoulder and tried giving her a look of consolation before turning back his eyes on Eric. When seeing the man he had so much respect for, cast a worried look at his daughter and then meeting him with pleading eyes, Justin was smarter than to ask what was going on one more time. From what he could tell, it was not something Eric wanted Emma to hear. He exchanged an understanding look with Eric and slowly nodded his agreement to take him to Nate. 

…

There was anxiety gnawing at Justin's gut when he turned left on S. Main Street, passing the cemetery which held both his parents and grandparents. Once again he thanked the higher powers he'd been praying to that this hospital visit had not turned out like all the other times. It would have killed them all. Even though he now knew they were not out of the woods yet, he had seen that in Eric's eyes. He'd seen fear and sadness, hurt and even a hint of hate in them. 

Waiting at the hospital had been hell, knowing something was wrong and that's why Eric so desperately had asked to be taken to Nate, was even worse. He wasn't sure how he had managed the day so far and he wasn't sure how he would manage the rest of it, soon with three kids, but somehow he had to. He wanted to call Andrea for support, just hear her voice, and he damned his phone for being dead. After he had picked up Anthony and Carrie, they would go back to the house and wait for Eric and Nate to come home, he would also try and reach Helen and Matt, where ever they could be.

Emma sat quietly next to him, having switched place to the front seat after they had left Eric at the University - something Justin still wasn't comfortable with, what if Nate wasn't there? Had he been there he would have been found and already be with them. 

None of them had uttered a word on the way over. Eric had kept a serious gaze forward while Emma had been throwing worrying glances at him. Justin had on several occasions opened his mouth to speak but words had failed to form in his mouth, at a loss on what to say.

“This is all my fault” Emma suddenly stated convincingly, abruptly throwing him out of his thoughts. 

He gripped the steering wheel harder, shocked by what he had heard and tried looking at her while keeping his eyes on the road “What do you mean 'your fault'? This ain't your fault”

As the girl remained quiet, another layer of worry started weighing on his mind. 

“Emma?”

Then, when Justin least expected it, she started crying. Big, heart wrenching tears that came from deep inside and which made her unable to speak. He pulled over, parking next to a big grass court which held both football field, tennis court and playgrounds. On the other side he could see LNTV and once again he longed for Andrea's voice. He turned off the ignition and unbuckled his belt. The sound from Emma made his heart ache.

“Come here” he said and reached out for her, gathering her in his arms. “Now why would you ever think that this is your fault? This is no one's fault”

“'Cause I made him so mad and then he just got more headaches and today I went home to play loud music just to make him madder so he would hurt so he would go to a doctor. This is all my fault. What if...what if...” The words got caught in her throat and she started crying uncontrollably again. 

Her hurt caused some tears to trickle out of Justin's eyes as well and he gently rocked her. He had never seen her so beyond herself. “Come on Ems. You know this isn't your fault. You can't help that you got a stubborn ol' man that won't go to the doctors” he tried joking. “You know that he's worse than a five year old when it comes to that” He thought he saw a faint smile from her and continued, “And from what you told me, god knows you tried. So this is not your fault” he emphasized. “Ok?”

She continued sobbing for a few more minutes until the tears little by little subsided until they were completely gone. Looking up, she wiped her hand under her nose. “What if he's mad at me?” 

Justin shook his head. “He is not mad at you silly. He loves you too much for it. Besides, what's there to be mad about?”

She knew he was just trying to cheer her up and there were plenty of reasons for her dad to be mad at her, even so, his comforting words helped after she'd let them sunk in. Emma bit her lip, thinking long and hard before leaning back on Justin's shoulder. “Justin...”

“Yeah?” he said softly, rubbing her shoulder, a motion he had grown accustom to during the day. Emma may have been a tough girl but she was only that; a girl. 

“I'm scared” she admitted, tears still evident in her voice. “I think something bad has happened” It hurt uttering the words but if there was something she had learned it was to speak her fears. 

Justin stopped in motion, heaving a deep breath. She had spoken his thoughts. He took a firm grip around her shoulders. “I got you”

…

It didn't dawn on Eric how hard he'd been clenching his fists until he saw the marks from his fingernails which had dug their way into his skin. Like four tiny crescents in each of his palm. The wedding band on his finger caught his attention as it suddenly glistened, reflecting a light from the ceiling as he slowly made his way down LU's long corridors. For a moment, he felt his heart tighten and so he held the precious ring tight, looking for comfort. There was a whole life captivated in that ring. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. 

He swallowed back a lump in his throat.

It had been a while since he had visited Nate at work and if he remembered correctly, he was heading in the right direction towards his office. If he wasn't there he would just have to find the classroom where he currently taught, even though he had no clue of where that could be.

Apart from some fresh color on the walls, most things had remained the same since he'd been a student there. It always felt a bit strange walking around in his old school, like being brutally thrown back to your past, and he admired Nate for doing it every day.

“Hey Eric!” A young man came bustling towards him, throwing him off guard before he could see who it was. 

“John” he tried greeting friendly, mustering a weak smile, at the student who had made his internship at LNTV last semester. He was a fun, easy going chatterbox that Eric had liked from day one. Plus, he had turned out to have a real knack for editing. 

“You here to see Mr. H?” He asked, displaying his all American boyish grin, taking no notice that Eric didn't returned the smile. 

It felt strange hearing Nate being referred to as 'Mr. H'. “Yeah. You don't happen to know what classroom he's teaching in do you?”

“Uhm...yeah, I think he's in B42, my girlfriend takes his classes actually. Always going on about them” he said and mockingly rolled his eyes. 

“Thanks.” Eric answered short. 

John looked at him with a slight frown as he walked off without an adieu. That wasn't the way he usually behaved. Never mind, he thought and shook the thoughts away, hoping he would be able to come back to LNTV for another internship. 

Going on a hunch, Eric changed his mind and started heading for the classroom instead, something told him that that's where he would find Nate. It didn't take him long to find the right door and quickly peeking through the glass of it, he saw he'd been right. For there was Nate, talking in front of his class.  
He knew if he looked at him long enough he would eventually look back at him, sensing his presence. Watching Nate teach was always something enjoyable as he was truly in his right element. He looked so beautiful just then. Eric looked down at his wedding band again and nervously started twisting the ring around his finger, he loved him so much. Nearly choking up he swallowed hard and looked back up at Nate, gathering his courage. Now was a time to be strong.

Then, Nate saw him.

Eric watched as Nate made a gesture with his index finger, asking for a moment from his class before he hurried out. His face broke into a huge smile and Eric could hear some of the students whistle in a teasing manner.

“Eric, what are you doing here?” he asked and closed the door behind him, shutting out his students' hooting. He looked back through the window and saw that they were looking at them and motioned for Eric to step aside, out of view. Sometimes he was a bit too close with the students for his own good. When not being provided with an answer, he looked at his husband again, his smile quickly dropping when seeing Eric's pained expression. 

His gaze jumped back and forth between Eric's two eyes and he felt the panic rise within. “What is it? Is it the kids? Has something happened to them?” He asked franticly, his heart suddenly palpitating. Something wasn't right. 

Eric numbly shook his head and looked down at his hands, once again turning his ring. “No. No, the kids are fine. It's...” He drew a deep breath which he held longer than usual before slowly exhaling. “I was at the hospital. I passed out...”

He didn't have a chance to continue as Nate interrupted him.

“What!? Are you ok?” He asked concerned, his hands caressing Eric's unshaved cheeks. “Oh my god baby, why didn't you call me?”

“Justin tried to...” Eric's voice trailed off and he bit the inside of his cheeks. 

Nate felt as if his heart was going to jump out of his chest as Eric stopped himself and he saw how hard his husband was struggling to find his words. “What's going on?” he asked, putting on a small smile, refusing to let his wild imagination take over. 

Calmly, Eric gripped Nate's wrists and brought both of their arms down again. “Nate, it's...” He closed his eyes, gathering strength as he was unable to look into Nate's worrying eyes. “They found...” He swallowed one more time before he could complete the sentence.

“They found what?” Nate pushed, his voice almost shaking.

Eric pursed his lips tight and bit the inside of his lower lip, he refused to break down. For a second he stared with blank eyes into Nate's before he once again averted his look, settling on some hideous art work on the wall behind Nate's head. “They found a tumor. In my brain”

There was a long heart stopping silence and Eric could have sworn he heard Nate stop breathing. 

“W-what?” Nate's voice was small, nearly an inaudible whisper, his face in shock and suddenly drained of all color. 

It took all of Eric's power to go on and he felt the unshed tears sting behind his eyes. “Nate. They think it's cancer” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 11

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Helen looked concernedly at her for once quiet brother who sat on the other side of the kitchen island, staring down at the cup of coffee she had just poured for him. Except for the clock's ticking, the kitchen was quiet. Too quiet. They were alone in the house and not even the floorboards gave away a single creak even though there was a weather change at the horizon. She tentatively reached out her hand, waiting for Nate to take it.

She caught herself thinking about all the times she had fought with her brother when growing up and how they still kept fighting, even though nowadays the bickering was more of a friendly banter. They had never really been mad at each other, they knew better than that. As a family without parents they knew how to stick together and support one another. 

She thought about how they had moved so close to each other, only a small lake separating them. When Nate and Eric had decided to build their house, she and Matt hadn't hesitated moving back in to the house where she'd grown up. Their hopes had been to one day bring horses back to it. Ever since Nate had to sell them off after their parents' passing all those years ago, it had been something she had longed for. 

It was a dream that would soon be reality; they had taken a trip down to Winterhaben yesterday after hearing about an old horse farm after a person who had died, and now the children were selling off the horses. The poetic “justice” of it all almost made it meant to be.

Winterhaben turned out to be a small, slumber town about a three hours drive south of Langston, in the middle of nowhere. Yet another place Eric would refer to as 'movie worthy'. They had decided it would be too much for Anne to take two three hours trips in one day so they had planned on staying the night. They hadn't told anyone about their plans since they wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible, surprising them all. 

It had taken them a while to find the farm that housed the horses and when they had finally arrived there, after a lot of navigating through pothole filled dirt roads, they had found two big, black Arabs, one of them named Moses and the other one Skylar, who they immediately had taken a liking to. So much in fact that they decided to buy them without looking at the price tag. They would have preferred to have called and cleared it with their bank first but the telephone at the farm had already been disconnected and there had been no reception for a cellphone in all of Winterhaben. The time they got back to their motel - which had seen better days - the bank had already closed. They had made a decision with the horse owners to instead go back for the horses that weekend. 

Neither one of them being a frequent cellphone user they had both turned them off, seeing there was no point keeping them on if they were useless. That lost of access to the outer world was something Helen now regretted deeply and the thought that kept gnawing at her mind the most was the one of why did they go yesterday?

They had returned home in the early morning, no more than a couple of hours ago, an unusual thick fog had been laying over the old O'Connor pond, nearly making it impossible to see her brother's house. Autumn was definitely here and she reminded herself to get some new warm clothes for Anne, who had grown out most of her things during the summer. 

Ordering around the kitchen and unpacking things while Matt went to work and took Anne to kindergarten - luckily she had slept the whole car trip home - she had passed the answering machine, angry red digits catching her eyes; 45. An immediate cold chill had gone up her spine and it didn't take long before she realized something was terrible wrong and with a trembling finger she'd reached out and pressed the button. She hadn't even listened to them all before she had grabbed her keys and was out of the house.

Never before had she been so happy to live close to her brother and Eric as she did then. She had taken the fastest route; by foot, running through the forest along side the pond. A low branch had caught her hair but it hadn't stopped her, what had though was when she had reached the other end and seeing Eric sit by the edge of the water, all by himself, seemingly lost in thoughts.

Cautiously, she had walked up to him, it only took one look into his eyes to know something wasn't as it should. She was just glad he was alive, since she hadn't listened to all of the messages, she didn't know what was going on. No words had been uttered between them and Eric hadn't looked up to face her before Helen had hunched down behind him, gathering him in a tight, warm, mama hug only she could give. He had been cold from the morning chill and so she'd removed her cardigan, wrapped it around his front and pressed her chest tight to his back, having done the best she could to warm him. 

After a long silence Eric had spoken his only words to her, “They think I might have cancer” 

The words had shocked her more than anything she had been prepared to hear but she'd refused to let it show by putting on an unwavering facade. Instead, she'd wrapped her arms tighter, forcing him to lean back on her and she'd pressed a firm kiss on his forehead, red lipstick and all. He was as close to her as if he'd been her brother and she'd be damned if they wouldn't get through this. 

They had sat like that for a while until Eric had asked to be alone again and she'd let him. It was time to talk to Nate. And here she was, hoping her uncharacteristically aloof brother would take her hand. 

…

One cup of coffee later and Nate still felt as tired as he had before. This was the second night in a row of sleep deprivation and it was starting to show under his eyes as well as in his mood, which was more fragile than usual.

After what Eric had told him yesterday, there was just no chance in hell of him going to sleep. The one thing that couldn't happen had. They weren't suppose to get sick, not like this, not cancer. It hurt thinking about, let alone say out loud. Cancer was something other people got, it didn't happen to them. But most of all, no matter how hard he tried pushing it down, the one thing that occupied his mind was the thought that cancer was something you could die of. 

It scared him to the degree that he almost didn't believe it. He wanted to hide it all in a box, lock it and throw away the key so far that the truth couldn't find its way back to him. It was just too surreal thinking about. Not his Eric. Never his precious, gorgeous, loving Eric who nagged on him to put away the dishes, who he could laugh with like no one else, who made him feel so good, who his whole god damn world revolved around. He refused to let anything happen to him. It just wasn't possible. And it hurt him so much thinking about it that he thought he would go crazy, like he couldn't breathe and a knife was slowly, slowly twisting in his heart. 

He would never, ever take anyone for granted again.

What hurt him even more was how unwilling Eric was to talk to him. Ever since they had gotten home yesterday he had been so quiet, shutting himself off to the rest of them. All he wanted to do was take him in his arms and shield him from all bad things, tell him everything would be ok and get him to talk to him. But Nate knew Eric better than that. He knew there would come no good out of it if he tried pushing him to talk so he let him be. Eric had spent most of the afternoon and evening out on the porch, staring at the dark pond before him, all while Nate had kept a watching eye on him. He tried being subtle about it, although he knew Eric could feel his presence. 

He had hardly seen Eric this morning and when he got back from driving the kids to school – himself taking a sick day - the house had been empty. Luckily, Eric had left a note saying he was down by the pond and wanted to be alone for a while. Nate had let him, even if it meant he couldn't watch over him. Thankfully, Helen had confirmed he was still there. 

Her warm hand now gave some comfort to his heavy heart and she sat patiently waiting for him to talk until curiosity got the best of her.

“Where's Emma?” she asked, reflecting over how empty the house seemed. Nate had told her he'd taken the little kids to school but he'd never explained her missing presence. If she had been home, she would know, one thing was for sure, Emma never went by unnoticed. 

Nate looked up at her with bloodshot eyes and scratched absently at his cheek, not entirely sure if something was itching or not. “She's with Justin” He would forever be grateful for him, he had stayed with them, tucked the kids to bed and had offered to take Emma with him home even when she had kicked and screamed, demanding to know what was going on. He had done all that without ever asking what was happening. He deserved a damn gold medal. 

“We should probably tell her” he said with a catch in his voice, not knowing what was right and wrong in the unfamiliar situation life had handed them. “Not even Justin knows the whole truth” he said with a humorless chuckle, shaking his head before he let out a deep, cleansing breath. 

It puzzled Helen that her youngest brother didn't know the truth, yet he was the one who was currently taking care of their niece, but before she could ask, Nate explained, “It was just no time yesterday, when we got home he was here with all of the kids, and we couldn't really say anything in front of them. I don't know, maybe that was wrong of us, but it just turned out that way...” Nate rattled off before his voice got caught in his throat. 

Helen gently rocked his hand. “Hey, hey, don't fret. I'm sure J understands, he's a pretty good guy that way you know” she smiled gently, trying to channel some assurance over to her brother. 

Nate couldn't help but smile at the thought. Justin had never been of the curious type, even as a kid when the rest of them were shaking their presents he would just stand on the side, watching them. Or when he was a teenager and he'd caught him and Eric in numerous of obvious lies, he had never asked the reason behind them. Which was, when you thought about it, strange for someone with the last name O'Connor, a name that brought with it notorious curiosity and the will of meddling. But for once, he deserved the truth. 

“I need to call him” Nate said and started pulling away before Helen tugged at his hand, rooting him to his spot.

“There's plenty of time for that later. Besides...” she said, throwing a glance at her wristwatch, “It's only nine thirty. He's asleep now” 

They shared a smile together over the infamous late riser, and there was another oral pause before Nate drew a deep breathe and asked, “More coffee?” He smiled with a plastered on grin, releasing her hand to go get the pot. 

She slowly shook her head, her big brother had always been good at procrastinating when he wanted to. “Now are we going to address the elephant in the room or not? I might be his sibling but I don't nearly have the patience as our brother.” Even though she didn't wanted to, she spoke in a 'cut-the-bullshit' kind of manner. “Incuriosity has never been my strong forte you know.”

With his back turned to her, Nate became very still at the counter, shoulders tense, and he had to fight hard against the unwanted tears from creeping out of the corners of his eyes, he puckered his lips and knitted his brows to prevent it from happening. He needed to get the words out of him but he just couldn't. Tensing his jaw, he kept moving the joint of it side to side and there was a huge fireball of physical pain located within his chest. His foot started unconsciously tapping the floor from anguish and saliva built up in his mouth as he tried to speak. 

Feeling the hand of his sister once again over his own, he inhaled deeply before puffing out a big breath of air and with it releasing his words, shaking his head repeatedly. “This is all my fault, I should have known something was wrong. I did know. I just choose not to see. I should have...” Tears finally took over as the pain became too much.

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda” she said softly, a slow tear running down her own cheek, which she quickly dabbed away. It hurt seeing her brother like this and it hurt even more knowing the reason why. She leaned the small of her back against the counter and looked at Nate heavily heaving air out of agony. 

Nate finally looked at her, jaw still shaking, and wiped at his eyes with his knuckle and with the wrist under his nose. He needed to get it together. “Yeah but fuck Helen! Cancer!?” he cried and knitted his brows into a quizzical frown “I should have known something was more wrong than he let on. Christ, even Emma knew. And I just ignored her, too god damn caught up with work” he exclaimed and looked up at the ceiling, shaking his head clear of all the painful thoughts. 

Helen tried calming him by rubbing circles on his back. “You told me you tried talking with him. This is Eric we're talking about. Don't forget that” 

“But I didn't listen!” he bursted out. “I did what I always do, rushed headstrong into something, thinking I know best, never listening. It's a miracle he can even stand me” He turned to Helen with nothing but pain written over his face. “I should have tried harder!...I should have tried..harder” he said, emphasizing the last word and clenched his fist, slamming it hard down against the counter, puncturing his rage. 

She gently lay her chin upon his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his midsection, deciding to change direction of the conversation. “How's Eric really doing?” she asked apprehensively. 

Nate let go of an inevitable sigh, his head shaking nearly invisible for the eye to see. “Eric is being Eric” he said slowly.

The sentence needed no deciphering, she knew all too well how good Eric was at hiding his feelings and cutting himself off from the people around him, she had seen that upfront, many, many times before. “Just give him a few days. You know that”

Nate pursed his lips and nodded his head. “Yeah, I know, I know. It's just so... He won't talk to me” He looked at his sister and tried putting on a brave smile although there was a world of hurt behind it. “He's so withdrawn, I don't know what to do” he said, giving his shoulders one hopeless shrug. He turned around, worming himself out of Helen's grip and leaned back on the counter next to her. They stood like that for a while, letting the silence clean the air while looking for some sort of light.

“What happens now then?” Helen asked. 

Nate folded his arms and swallowed once, it was time to deal with reality no matter how bad it hurt. He needed to focus his energy on the next steps – not on the mistakes he had done. “We're meeting with the neurosurgeon this afternoon, luckily Eric got an appointment so fast, they said there was an opening in his schedule. I don't even wanna think about why...”

Before Nate could develop that thought any further, Helen cut him off, “I can pick up the kids if you want. Take them out for ice cream or something”

Nate shook his head in protest. “No. I think Eric wants them here you know”

“Ok, whatever you want. I'll do anything you need me to” she said and received a genuine smile of thank you from Nate. A thought crossed her mind. “What about his headaches?”

“They gave him some for migraine, frocet, firocet, something like that. No more Advil though. They reckon they wouldn't do much good anymore” he tried laughing at his own gallows humor, a desperate attempt to lift his spirits, but it failed to amuse him. He couldn't believe he had thought Eric had been addicted to them, the guilt kept pounding at his heart. “Shit! I need to call Lee and cancel” he suddenly exclaimed. 

“Who's Lee?” Helen asked confused by the sudden outburst. 

Nate started scanning the room for the cordless phone. “Lee Grant. A person up in Ellicot City I arranged for Eric to meet tomorrow. He's been an addict. Eric don't know about it, I just thought if he would meet him maybe he could get some help” Nate found the phone next to the dirty skillet, he picked it up and paused, pressing the phone tight in his hand. “I never thought...I feel so awful, like I've betrayed him. Eric told me he wasn't lying. He said it was just headaches. And I just ignored him. I didn't believe him Helen” His voice started cracking. “How the hell is he going to forgive me for that?”

And just like that, darkness took over again.   
…

If you looked at her profile, you would notice that Cassidy had a particular strong jawline and a pointy nose to accompany it. It would be enough for you to come to the conclusion that this was a girl who knew what she wanted, where she was going and how she was going to get it. That much was clear about her. 

She had an exterior of perfection, a Stepford wife in breeding if you will, often being seen sporting a high ponytail pulled together from glossy shampoo commercial worthy hair, pearl earrings, a shirt and a skirt that almost reached her knees. It wasn't a style of a bible seller as much as it was of a classic beauty who knew that fashion was temporary, style was forever. If you sticked to the right things that was. 

Her interior however, was anything but perfect. 

There were dark clouds cluttering her mind, like thick, black oil clinging to a seagull, weighing her down, sometimes making it impossible to breathe. Thoughts that made her button her shirt up tight around her neck and other times releasing one button too much. There was a constant struggle in her mind, incapable of judging good from bad. 

She just wanted people to like her....was that so wrong?

It had never been easy for her to make friends, her strong personality was not working to her favor in that department. Sure, she could create a potential budding friendship and it would start out as any other relationship does; hesitating and full of false smiles, but within a couple of days her true self would reveal itself like a horrible secret leaking out. That was why she had taken a liking to the underdogs. Like Elisa Rourke. She was a shy girl, like all the others, she never said much, was happy to go along with any plan Cassidy had in mind without ever complaining about it. That kind of sick puppy behavior, always trailing after, suited Cassidy splendidly. It was also one of the reasons why she never made friends with boys. No, even if they were at the bottom of the hierarchic ladder, they were always too strong minded and she found that she couldn't control them no matter how hard she tried. Not without some help...

Men had always been a strong factor in Cassidy's life and since the age of six there had been no mother there to balance it out. No matter how many men passed in an out of her life, no one ever understood her. She was often engulfed in a book, the one solid thing in her life was that of reading about other people's ups and downs. She could so easily disappear in that parallel universe where often bad guys won the battle but almost every time the good won the war. It was nothing like her own reality. At least in books she could find men who wanted her to stay, who never found her too awkward to be around. They cared....no one else cared.

Ever since her mother had died, her father didn't know how to talk to her. He buried himself deep in work so he would come home late every night. Naturally, he was polite and didn't do her any harm, he was after all her father, but he never really talked to her or listened. It was the only recognition she really wanted. He had often moved them around, claiming it was for her own good. He didn't care about that, he only cared about his own career.

The cold household had been too much for her brother who had declared them both dead to him. He had taken off several of years ago, leaving them without any note and they had had no idea where he could possible be. No one got away from Cassidy like that. 

When she was ten, Billy had kicked her in the stomach after they had gotten into a fight. He had of course blamed it all on her but what he didn't had taken into consideration was that if a fight between a girl and a boy happened, the boy would always take the fall.

Victor, her high school English teacher had done the unforgivable. She really thought he had liked her, and then he had gone and done that. It just didn't make sense to her. It had been a dark period of her life but somehow she had fought through it.

In her first year of collage Linus had ignored her. Then yelling at her, blaming her for all sorts of incidents that simply weren't true. When no one would listen to him he stopped completely, turning her the cold shoulder. In a way, that was not what she had wished for, but on the other hand, victory had been hers. 

And only a few weeks ago, Justin had tossed her away for someone else, she had seen it with her own eyes. She had tried talking to him, maybe she could fix what they had but he wouldn't listen to reason. He was stronger than she had anticipated. But there was always a way around that. Always. 

Today she would find out just how well that would work out. 

Cassidy smiled as she entered the school. Maybe Mr. H. would be different. Maybe he wouldn't let her down like all of the others. At least she had her elixir that could control him too, she just hoped it wouldn't have to come to that. She knew what it had done to her brother.   
… 

Helen had stayed with Nate for a couple of hours after he had hung up the phone from talking with Lee, who had uttered his concern, hoping everything would be ok. She had fixed them both lunch, spaghetti carbonara, a favorite from when they'd been young. They thought about getting Eric, he needed to eat, but as he had explicitly asked to be left alone, they let him be for another hour, until Nate couldn't take it any more. Just when he was about to put his jacket on, Eric had stood in the doorway, hair ruffled by the wind and still wearing Helen's cardigan. All he had said was that they would be late for the appointment if they didn't get dressed soon. Even in a state of distress he wouldn't forget an appointment.

The car ride over had been quiet. Nate had tried keeping the conversation light but had received few answers in return. In the waiting room Eric had seemed too far away for a conversation so Nate had remained quiet, much to his own discomfort. 

Placed on the arm of the chair, Nate had clasped the back of Eric's hand tight -even though it remained limp under his - as they sat listening to Dr. Haywood's words. He seemed like a humble man with an ensuring smile and a strong baritone voice. He was wearing a dark purple Ralph Lauren polo under his white robe and Nate imagined him practicing tennis, or possibly golf, on Saturdays. He had salt and pepper hair, a clean shaved cheek and a pair of reading glasses he kept placing on and off the tip of his nose. 

During the night Nate had gone online to search his name and what he had come up with was nothing but positive. Dr. Bill Haywood had been practicing in Chicago and was very high ranked within his profession. It said nothing about him being in Langston so Nate figured he must be one of the hospital's newest surgeons. He couldn't help but wonder how he had ended up in the small town in the first place. 

He glanced over at Eric who except for 'hello' had hardly said another word, in fact, he wasn't even sure if he was listening or not so he made sure to listen extra hard for the both of them. The doctor went through the pictures from Eric's CT scan and showed them the tumor. Seeing it there on the graphic image made it very real. And very, very scary. It was big. 

The doctor thoroughly explained what a tumor really was and how it was causing pressure to Eric's brain, and that was why he had been suffering from all of his headaches. At the word 'headache', Nate felt another pang of guilt hit his chest and he held Eric's hand tighter, stroking the back of it with his thumb. 

“...and that's what caused you to pass out” The doctor finished, directing his gaze at Eric as if waiting for him to speak. 

When he never did, Nate took the helm. “So. Should we start worrying now or later?” He tried keeping the conversation humorous, just like he had done at home, although he could hear how false his voice echoed within his head. He wiped at it jeans with his free hand, it was getting warm and the Dr's office suddenly felt suffocating. 

Dr. Haywood folded his hands on top of his desk and smiled politely before looking with unease back and forth between them. He hadn't batted an eye at Nate's presence there, in his line of work, he had seen every family constellation there was. Families were what always made his line of work harder, if something happened to his patients there were always families left behind. And because of it, he always found it harder looking into their eyes. 

What caused his concerned was the fact that the patient himself seemed lost. Not at all unusual in situations like these of course, but the empty look that kept staring at the wall in combination with his quietness was unsettling. He tried seeking his gaze but failed and turned his attention to Nate. “Well before we do anything, I want to schedule a Stereotactic brain biopsy for next week. Monday already if that works, we had an opening. That will help us establish if the tumor in fact is cancerous or not”

Nate had heard about the chances already and read about it from the little research he had had the time to make, but he wanted to make sure it was really true, “So there is a chance it's not cancer?”

The doctor knitted his brows, taking on a serious expression that spoke volumes about the real truth. “However small, there is a chance, yes. But since the tumor is located in the cerebellum, the back of Eric's head, statistics show the outcome will most likely be cancer”

“I see” Nate's heart fell hard, like a stone being dropped into an empty, deep, dark well.

“I don't want you to lose hope, but I want to be honest with you” the doctor said sincerely. He took out a pen from his breast pocket and clicked on the top while putting his glasses back on. “Does Monday work for you?”

Nate looked at Eric, hoping he would interject with something, anything, but he just kept staring into empty space. “Monday is fine, the sooner the better right?” Nate stated with a smile, even though all he wanted to do was run out the door and scream as loud as he could. 

“Good” The older man made a note of it in his calender, and the glasses were off again. 

“How does this biopsy work?” Nate asked quickly, feeling the anxiety creep in. 

Dr. Haywood placed his folded arms back on his desk and spoke with a soft voice that Nate figured had educated many people before him. “Eric will get medicine through an IV to help him relax. His scalp will be numbed” The doctor made a gesture with his index finger to his head as to show where. “It is best to keep him awake so I can talk to him during the procedure. I will make a small incision and then a small opening, a thin needle will be inserted to retract tissue from the biopsy area. I will...”

“Do you have kids Dr. Haywood?” It was Eric's voice who finally spoke up, interrupting the doctor's words. For a second he looked into the doctor's eyes with a hollow stare. Nate looked at him out of surprise. 

The doctor didn't seem to mind the interruption and leaned back in his chair. “Yes, a daughter. But she's nearly all grown up now” he smiled. 

Eric swallowed his fear and responded quickly, “Mine aren't” He stared back down at the floor in front of him. 

Dr. Haywood stayed quiet for a moment. During the years he had learned how to approach patients, they were all unique. “How old are they?” he finally asked.

When Eric didn't answer, Nate once again answered for him. “Fifteen, nine and five”

The doctor smiled gently at them both before he turned his eyes on Eric and spoke with a serious tone, “Mr. Hagen, Eric. I will do everything in my power to make sure you will see them grow up”

And for the first time, Eric squeezed Nate's hand a little tighter.  
...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 12 

He was awake but not conscious. He was hearing but not listening. He was alive but not living. 

Those were the thoughts running through Eric's mind as he lay hidden amongst a protective pile of pillows and quilts in his and Nate's bed. He had been there ever since they got back from Dr. Haywood. He tried processing everything that had happened even though he tried not to think about it too much, it would only drive him crazy. He wanted to stay numb. That way he didn't have to feel so much and panic wouldn't set in, leaving him out of breath. 

Cancer…cancer…Cancer. There was just no way he was going to believe it. Fine, they could drill in his brain all they wanted, at least that way he could pretend to be in some weird parallel universe, set in a sci-fi movie where someone was conducting experimental tests on him. This was all just make belief. 

He knew Nate wanted him to talk, but what was there really to talk about? Everything would go on like normal. There was no reason to worry. Everything was fine. Not even the now mild headache could remind him of otherwise anymore as it'd become a part of everyday life. 

He could hear voices coming from downstairs, muffled by the door. Someone quickly running upstairs. He heard Anthony and Carrie running around, probably chasing each other. There were two voices from outside, Nate and Justin perhaps. It was suddenly quiet in the house. A car door slamming shut and an engine starting. The door to the house closing. Pots and pans were suddenly jangling. There was a sound of small steps coming closer. And then he drifted back into a world of unconsciousness as if the sounds hadn't existed at all. 

“Daaaady” the little girl giggled, sauntering into the dim room, where she had finally found him. 

Slowly, she sneaked up to the bed, carefully watching him, making sure not to wake him. If he was really sleeping that was, you could never be too sure about her daddy. One of their favorite games was playing hide and seek. Maybe he was just pretending. 

Carrie quietly stood by the bed and watched him sleep, a light snore escaped his lips and the girl drowned a laugh with both of her hands. Tilting her head, she looked at the top of his head peeking out from one end of the covers and on the opposite side a foot stuck out. Her daddy was tall, taller than her dad and the rest of the other daddies who came to pick up her friends from school. It was always fun riding on his shoulders, you could see so far! 

Very slowly she reached out her hand and touched his cheek, his beard was getting longer, it felt funny. She reminded herself that she and dad needed to get a razor for him, that would probably be the best she thought with a confirming nod to herself. 

Full of jitters, she filled her mouth with as much air as possible, puffing her cheeks, getting ready to strike him with a big breath of air. Maybe her daddy was secretively watching and would stop her, he did that all the time. He would pretend to sleep, then when she least expected it, catch her and tickle her until she was a heap of giggles. This time, it didn't seem to be working. 

“Daddy” The little girl gently shook Eric's shoulder. “Daddy, wake up” she demanded impatiently. He was no fun when sleeping. 

She tried poking him in the stomach and sides but no matter how many times she tried, he didn't move. If he wouldn't play with her then at least she could cuddle with him. Her daddy always gave the best cuddles. So, she decided to crawl under the covers with him. It was warm and cozy under there and she snuggled close to him and lay watching the rise and fall of his chest until Eric began to stir. 

“Care bear?” Eric said, voice hoarse and still sleepy, at the tiny warm body which had somehow snuck into bed and woken him out of a strange dream. 

Happily, she glanced up at him for a second before she continued to finger with a button on his shirt. “Why are you sleeping daddy?” she asked, her voice full of innocence. 

I took him a few seconds getting his head together and before he could fully open his eyes. “I'm just a bit tired” he said, tracing his tongue around his parched mouth. He put his arm around his daughter and drew her closer. The long brown curls tickled under his chin. 

She looked up at him and stroked his bearded cheek. “Are you sick?” 

The question caused his heart to thud hard in his chest and he tensed. There was no need for her to know the ugly truth. Not now. If ever. “Just a little bit” he tried smiling. “I'll be better soon” 

Carrie frowned a bit as if she was in deep thoughts and scooted herself up so she would be face to face with him. Seriously, she asked, “Daddy, you won't be sick this weekend will you?” 

Eric helped fluffing one of Nate's pillows under her head. “I don't know, what happens then?” 

Carrie suddenly sat up and exclaimed excitedly, “The party of course! Aunt Jen is coming home!” 

Eric couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm but as he stroked a curl out of her face he felt dread seize him once again. The party. He had completely forgot about it. Knowing Nate, he would wanna cancel it, maybe it would be the best thing to do, but instead, he found himself answering, “That's not until next weekend sweetie” 

“Oh” She lay back on the pillow, a bit disappointed, both hands under her cheek. “Who's coming daddy?” 

Calculating the people in his head, he could quickly establish; “Well there's aunt Helen and Matt and little Anne. Justin and maybe his new girlfriend Andrea and some of our friends” Maybe Nate would agree to the party if they cut back on some of their friends, make it more of a family gathering. Perhaps it could be good for them. Let things be as before. 

“Are Dan and Lars gonna be here? They're funny” Carrie smiled, eyes shining. 

Eric smiled sadly. “Yes, they will” Guilt tugged at his heart, he needed to tell them.   
… 

“Fuck!” Nate screamed as the packet of rice fell down onto the floor, opening first. Guilty, he looked over at Anthony who sat concentrated at the kitchen island with his nose in a notepad, scribbling something down. “That's a grown up word, it's not for you to use” he said and covered his mistake before he would ask. 

The boy looked up. “Emma says it. She's not a grown up” 

Nate was over at the closet with cleaning supplies, looking for a broom to sweep up the rice with. “Well...” he said, yanking the broom out of the closet. “Emma shouldn't really use it either” 

“Hmmm” Anthony pondered before he turned back his attention to his notes. 

Nate got the rice up from the floor and eventually some new down into the boiling water. He was normally a bad cook, today, he was an even worse one. His mind wasn't in the game at all, and he damned himself for just not getting take-out. Or he could have asked Helen to help, but he needed to do this, he could cook. He could do it, maybe he would have to... No no no, don't go there. He mentally scolded himself for even thinking it. This was all going to turn out fine. Deep breath. Everything would be ok. The doctor appointment had gone fine, they needed to focus on Monday now, Eric was finally resting -hopefully sleeping – and the kids were all home again. Emma was up in her room sulking, Carrie was running around the house and Anthony was quietly reading or whatever he was doing, things almost appeared normal. Except for the fact that only fifteen minutes ago he had to tell his brother that his husband might have cancer. There was a conversation that certainly did not apply to the 'normal' category. 

Even though sensing something was terribly wrong, Justin had been in complete shock and Nate had felt bad about telling him the way he had; out on the driveway before he would go home. But Justin deserved to know and there was no good moment to tell something like that. Justin had left with a somber look on his face and said he would go home and call Andrea, something that surprised Nate; it was the first he'd heard about it. He knew there had been someone, just not that it was Andrea. 

Nate took a deep sigh, one of many, and stirred the food in the oven. He had asked Helen to let Jen know what was going on, if she could reach her. From the corner of his eye he saw Emma coming downstairs, walking into the living room. She was mad at him for being kept out of the loop. Telling her would be one of the hardest talks he had ever had to do. 

He looked back at Anthony who jumped down from the barstool. “Anthony will you help setting the table?” 

On his way to the hall, the boy halted, incapable of saying no. Nate handed him some glasses from the cupboard which he carefully balanced to the kitchen table. 

Until the phone rang. 

“I got it!” Anthony shouted, nearly missing the table when quickly putting down the glasses, and running back towards the island where he'd seen the phone. Emma came running too, only to tease her brother who then panicked, throwing himself at the phone and in the process knocking down some plates Nate had put on the island for Anthony to place. 

“Guys! Take it easy!” Nate shouted in dispirit at the shattered china on the floor. Luckily he hadn't put the broom away. 

Anthony reached the phone first, leaving Emma laughing. She took a seat at the island, a nail kit in hand, and decided to eavesdrop in on the conversation 

Nate threw her a reprimanding glance. “Emma don't tease your brother” She didn't hear, or pretended not to, as her earbuds were already well plugged in. 

“Hello?” Anthony looked puzzled for a moment before he heard a voice at the other end. 

“Oh hi there” A young, unfamiliar, woman's voice was heard. “Is this the Hagen resident?” 

“Yes” Anthony answered politely. 

“Good. Is your dad home?” The woman's voice sounded kind. 

“Yeah, hang on” Anthony covered the phone with his hand and moved over to the hall. He started shouting for Eric who he knew was upstairs. “Dad!!” 

Nate hurriedly reached out for the phone. “No no no, dad's asleep. Schyy.” he gently stopped him. 

Anthony quietly handed him the phone. 

“Who is it buddy?” Nate asked. 

“Don't know” the boy answered with a shrug of the shoulders and headed for the stairs. 

He grabbed the phone from his son and hurried back to the rice, dangerously close of boiling over. “This is Nate” he said, turning down the stove. He swore to God he would take cooking classes one of these days as he opened the oven, the smell of something burnt hitting his nostrils. 

“Hi Mr. H!” came a perky voice through the phone which made Nate stop in motion as he closed the oven with his foot. This was not a voice he wanted or needed to hear right now. “Cassidy” he stated slowly, more shocked than surprised she had called him at home. He closed the oven with a sigh. “What...what can I help you with?” If she hadn't been one of his students, he was certain he wouldn't be sounding so polite. 

“Well, we decided that you would call and let me know today if you wanted to be my mentor or not. Soooo, since you haven't called yet, maybe you forgot or something, I thought I would call you instead.” 

Damn. “Oh. Right” he answered absently, scratching his head. This whole mentor thing had completely been blocked from his mind because of everything that had happened. The only good to come from it was that the decision wasn't as hard as it'd been yesterday. There was no way he would ever do it. He wouldn't let her steal any precious time with Eric. 

He pressed the phone closer to his ear as Anthony produced loud noises as he started running up and down the stairs. “You know, I can't really talk right now. We really should do this at school, but I don't think I can be your mentor right now” he explained just as Emma tuned up the volume on her iPod, punk this time. He threw an irritated glance at her which she ignored. “We'll talk next week” his voice sounded more and more stressed by each word. Then, the timer went off. “I'm sorry I...” he got the rice off the stove, steam from the lid sizzled down on it. 

“Next week? Will you not be there tomorrow?” Too caught up in his own kitchen dilemma, Nate didn't catch the disappointment in her voice. 

As Anthony ran down the stairs for the fourth time he tripped and fell on the last steps, crashing to the floor with a hard bang. “Cassidy I really have to go” He hung up the phone without further ado and made a beeline for Anthony who picked himself up from the floor. “You ok buddy?” 

Anthony dusted his knees off. “I was just trying to see how fast I can run, Tim says he can do it under fifteen seconds” 

“Well just take it easy. I don't want you hurting yourself” Nate said and ruffled his hair. 

Emma stared at her father in the hall, then down again at her current nail project. “I'm no expert, but I don't think smoke should be coming from the oven like that” she said deadpanned, adding a small skull tattoo to her thumbnail. 

“Shit” Nate ran back to the kitchen and opened the oven which was puffing out smoke, enough to set off the fire alarm. He threw the baking tin onto the stove and sighed deeply at his own mess. He closed his eyes and rubbed both of his temples with one hand. How the hell did Eric do this? And shit, he hadn't even fixed a salad yet. He tried taking a deep, calming inhale but it did little for him. 

“Who was that?” Emma asked dryly. She didn't really want to talk to him until he told her the whole truth about her dad, so she cursed her own curiosity. At least she didn't have to look at him she thought and applied another skull. 

Nate opened his eyes and faced the mess again. He sighed. “Just a student” He didn't feel like getting into the subject any deeper. 

“Who calls home?” she asked, one brow raised but still looking concentrated down at her hands. 

“I had promised to call, it was nothing important” Nate brushed it off. With both hands on his hips he tried figuring out what to make out of the food. He threw a quick glance back at Emma. “Will you get your brother and sister. Dinner's ready in a few” he said determinately. 

In perfect timing, Emma finished the last nail. “Fine” she said with a mandatory teenage sigh and eyeroll. 

Nate watched her head upstairs and released a deep sigh he'd been holding. Why was Cassidy all of a sudden calling his house? She was eager about her idea, a little too eager for his liking. He was just happy he didn't have to deal with it right now, taking the rest of the week off had been the right decision. He just hoped she wouldn't make him regret it.   
… 

There was shock written across Cassidy's face as she slowly put down the phone. He had hung up on her. He'd cut her off. Gathering her thoughts over what just had happened, she stared into the darkness of her room, only illuminated by a stream of moonlight. 

Tightening her fist in overwhelming rage, her fingernails dug deep into her skin until warm, dark blood trickled between her fingers. She didn't notice any pain as she focused on another, internal pain, one that kept digging at her heart, making it smaller and more empty by each letdown it received. 

This couldn't be happening. Mr. H. was suppose to be different. She should have known he would be just like the rest of them. Bastards. They were all bastards. No one let her down like this. No one. 

“No one does that to me” she whispered, her voice cold as ice but with a faint tremble underneath. 

“W...what are you going to do?” a slur voice suddenly spoke with a begging tone, breathing heavily in between the words. 

Quietly, Cassidy turned her attention towards a corner of her room where you could see the outlines of a figure, huddled on the floor, cloaked in darkness. The moonlight nearly reached the corner and a hand stuck out, reaching for light. She stared at it with a look that could kill even the strongest of villains. 

She pushed herself up from her bed, stopped at her desk to pick up the strong duct tape. Using up the first roll had gone faster than she'd anticipated. She bent down next to the person in her room. The white in her eyes even whiter when reflected by the moon. 

“I thought I told you to be quiet” She started unwinding a long piece of tape, the sound cutting right through the silence like nails on a black board. 

“Don't hurt them...” The apathetic voice urged before the tape prevented it from speaking any further, surrendering to desperate mumbling. 

Cassidy gripped her guest's throat and shoved it hard up against the wall. “Be quiet now. We don't want daddy to hear you. Schyyy” she said with a finger over her mouth and closed a small door. There was no moonlight anymore.   
… 

The dinner table was quiet. It was not something that they were accustomed to. It had little to do with the fact that they were one man short and more to do with the gloomy mood around them. With weary eyes, Nate glanced back and forth between his three kids who all kept picking at their food. He should just tell them. 

Carrie kept stirring her food around with her fork. “Who did this?” she asked, slightly scrunching her nose. 

“I did” Nate answered and took another bite. A slight headache had crept up on him after a day on the emotional roller coaster. The food was far from his best work, distasteful even, but he didn't had to show it. 

“Urgh” The girl scrunched her nose harder. 

“How come dad isn't cooking?” Anthony asked and took another brave bite, he didn't want to seem as childish as his sisters. Besides, after beating Tim's record by two seconds he was too hungry to refuse food. 

Nate tried smiling at them. “He was tired today” Right about now he wouldn't mind being next to him. 

“I want daddy's food” Carrie said, leaning her knuckles against her cheeks with a look of dejection. 

Nate paused for a second, trying not to let his temper rush away with him. He rubbed his stiff neck as he spoke, “Guys I know my food sucks ok, but we can't have dad's food today” 

“Why not?” Carrie insisted. 

There was a strain smile on Nate's lips. “Just because, ok?” 

Emma pushed the plate away, joining the conversation. “I'm not gonna eat” she said defiantly. 

To all of their surprise, Nate suddenly snapped, pushing himself away from the table. “Well you just better get used to it!” He took his plate and furiously got up from the table, slamming the plate down in the sink, food and cutlery flying. Then, immediately regretting his stupid actions. He let his head drop as he leaned his hands on the counter. Turning, he closed his eyes for a few seconds before looking at his three kids who all looked more shocked than the other. 

“I'm sorry” he said calmly. “I'm sorry” 

With her big, dark deer eyes watery, Carrie's lower lip shivered as she spoke, “Are you and daddy breaking up?” 

Nate's heart ached as he heard her. “No, no sweetie” he went over and hugged her, kissing her forehead. “Daddy and I will never break up. We will be here forever and ever” He gulped as he said it. What if it wouldn't be true? There was a very big lump forming in his throat. 

Anthony looked solemnly at him from across the table. “Something is wrong right?” 

Nate took a deep breath, arm still around Carrie, now was as good time as any. He looked at their expecting eyes before he spoke, “Dad's a bit sick” he said gently. He thought his heart would break into a million little pieces of glass, available for anyone to crush under their foot, when he saw Anthony’s eyes turn blank. 

“Does he have a fever?” Carrie wondered, remembering how warm it'd been under the comforter. She leaned in to Nate's chest and he stroked her shoulder. 

Nate slowly shook his head. “No sweetie. Dad, daddy...” he added for Carrie's sake. “...is not feeling so well right now and he will probably be feeling a bit bad for a while. So we have to take extra good care of him now ok?” Nate smiled. “So you just have to stick to my food for a bit, even if it's quite awful” he said, trying to lighten the mood even though failing in eliciting any smiles. He glanced nervously over at Emma, noticing she didn't believe any of what he was saying. He cleared his throat and stood. “Anthony, can you take Carrie upstairs, you can eat in front of the tv in your room today if you like” 

“Yay” Carrie exclaimed and jumped down from her chair, plate in hand faster than you could blink. 

Nate patted Anthony on his head on his way out of the kitchen. The boy looked back a bit reluctantly and he knew he wasn't given the full truth but finally followed his little sister upstairs. 

Emma watched as they ascended the stairs and as soon as they were out of earshot she stared at Nate who was back in his seat. “I've waited long enough. What's really wrong with dad?” her voice was steady as a rock. 

Nate took a deep breath, momentarily looking down at the table. It was time. “Come here” he asked and pushed out the chair next to him, beckoning her to sit closer. 

“No” she shook her head resolutely. “No I wanna stay here” No matter how hard she tried preventing them, tears already began pushing out from her eyes. There was a part of her that already knew the truth. 

Nate didn't take no for an answer. He moved around the table and took the seat next to her. She didn't look up. 

“Just tell me” she said shaking while she kept her gaze forward, fiddling with her knife. 

Nate heaved another deep breath and made a silent pray to whoever could help him. “They aren't sure yet...” he started out unsteadily. He needed to be honest with her but he didn't want to hurt her. There was just no easy way to say it. Putting a protecting arm over her trembling shoulder, which she didn't acknowledge, he continued with a silent voice, “...there's a very big chance dad has cancer” 

Emma suddenly became very quiet and very, very still. “Cancer?” she said, her voice low in a whisper. 

Nate sniffed unwillingly and wiped at his nose. He shook his head. “Nothing is sure yet, but the...” 

She wouldn't let Nate finish before she pushed her chair back, knocking it to the floor and run out of the kitchen. She wanted to run out into the dark, just get away but someone stopped her. There in the hall, at the bottom of the stairs was Eric, catching her in his arms. She kicked and screamed to let her go but his strong arms held her in place until she finally started crying and felt herself getting pulled into a tight embrace. Then suddenly there was another person behind her and she found herself being in the middle of a group hug by her fathers. And it was exactly what they all needed.   
…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 13 

The autumn sun warmed his cheeks as he sat watching out over the lake in a peaceful harmony with nature. It felt like the last beautiful day before autumn cold would take over for good; he could tell by the crisp air and how the winds moved. 

He wasn't really sure if he was looking forward to that kind of darkness. Everything darkness felt like right now was ominous. Maybe it would engulf them all. If he sat long enough at the water, maybe he could capture some elusive sun beams and keep them inside, being able to pick them out whenever he needed one. A happy pill when the going got tough, as he was pretty sure it would. 

This was a weekend to get away and forget all of what was ahead. Nate had planned a perfect weekend for them in Chicago as a late birthday present but had refused in going no matter how hard Eric had insisted they should; he was feeling fine. They had managed to compromise by choosing to go up to their old cabin on the north side of Silver Lake. It was a two hour drive which Eric had spent mostly listening to old jazz and blues. Jazz working as a good pick me up when the Blues' dull notes weight too heavy on his mind. 

A part of him was guilty for leaving the kids with Helen and Matt, especially Emma. Anthony and Carrie would be fine. He was sure they would have a blast picking up the new horses. With Emma though, he wasn't so certain. 

She had been very quiet after Wednesday night, something that really wasn't like her. Not even music had been seeping out from her room and there had been no shouting of any kind. In fact, he wasn't sure if they had exchanged any words. It was if she was afraid to look at him. 

Anthony had been his usual quiet self so he couldn't really tell how he was taking it. Every time their eyes met he faced a world of questions unspoken and that would remain unuttered. 

Carrie had brought him cookies and milk two times which she'd made sure he ate even though his stomach didn't seem willing in digesting very much. But it wasn't like he could say no to his little girl. He was pretty sure Nate at times used her as his secret weapon. 

She had also given him a drawing, all of the world's colors splashed onto it. Nate finally had to tell her to leave her daddy alone and let him rest. When Nate hadn't been looking she had sneaked into their bedroom and fallen asleep next to him. She had been possessive of Eric before but the way she acted now; he knew that she was aware of more things than she let on; a smile or kind word never leaving her mind to succumb to darker thoughts.

Eric gazed at his Abu Garcia pole he'd inherited many years ago. It was probably ready to be thrown out, exchanged, traded in for something new and modern. At least that's what people told him. What they didn't know was that no new pole could compete with what his old one possessed; history, sentimental value and most and cherished; memories. He had grown up with the help of this pole, and with Nate's dad. All the fishing trips they had made together seemed so long ago. He would have given anything to have Landon at his side right now, talking things through as they always did.

As memories started flooding back, Eric leaned forward, facing the water and watched his face get blurred out by the tiny waves breaking the surface caused by a light breeze. Each and one of them bringing a memory back as they hit shore... 

Landon grabbed him by the shoulder. He took a deep breath, realizing the essential of finding the right things to say and the importance to tread lightly in fragile territory. 

“I know it couldn't have been easy growing up with your dad Eric. I know you don't like to talk about it, but somehow he managed to turn you into a fine young man. I can see why Nate loves you so much” He paused for a second or two, giving them both a chance to process. 

“I'm really proud of you” Landon's words came sudden and with great emphasis on the most important part. 

Eric froze to the spot, eyes focused on the worn out backpack's handle, he was afraid to look up, afraid that he must have heard wrong. Another squeeze on his shoulder and the realization that Landon's words wasn't a mistake, he couldn't hold back his smile. His father had never said anything like that to him, hell, he hadn't even known fathers that could say it even existed, until he met Nate. And Landon. 

That one little sentence made all the difference in the world and Eric filled his lungs with air as his self esteem grew a little bit bigger. 

“Thank you” he whispered, swallowing a lump of tears caught in his throat. 

Landon had squeezed his shoulder and proclaimed how proud he was over him. It was more than anyone had ever done for him. Till this day it was a moment he kept close to his heart. It had meant and still meant, the world to him. Growing up with his father it was not something he had heard after his mother's passing. From that day he had promised to never listen to his father's voice which echoed in his head ever so often ever again. Telling him what a worthless piece of shit he was. 

Therefore it hurt how evil thoughts and words, echoing his fathers, had so poisonously leaked into his mind again. He had actually thought that he was going crazy, turning into his old man, may he rotten in hell, but he hadn't. Cancer. Could that have been what was playing tricks on his mind? Making him believe something he wasn't. He wasn't sure what hurt most. All he knew was that he would never get rid of his Abu Garcia, for it was the only thing keeping him sane when it came to his father. 

As if on cue, before his thoughts would get too bottomless, very light steps suddenly approached him cautiously from behind and a faint smile made the corners of his mouth make a single twitch. Before he knew it, an additional jacket was wrapped around his shoulders, a chest pressed to his back and one leg added on each side of his thighs, all dangling from the bridge. Another memory right there. 

Nate snaked his arms round Eric's waist and craned his neck, placing his nose in Eric's neck, savoring the smell. Old lumber jacket, a hint of shampoo and outdoorsy freshness. Eric placed his one free hand over his husband's and felt the golden wedding band beneath his hand. 

"Caught any fish yet?" Nate mumbled into his neck. He hadn't said it out loud, but it warmed him to see a part of Eric's old self. A part he hadn't been showing for months. Not since the work with the documentary started. Or the headaches. The word 'cancer' once again penetrated his mind, knocking out all other thoughts. He let a hand card through the dark waves he loved so much, not daring to think about if he would lose them all. 

Eric finally shook his head at Nate's question, ever so slightly. "No-No luck" he said with a low voice before he fell back into a peaceful quietness, eyes on the water where the line disappeared. This was nice. He could sit like this for a while, just he, Nate and the tiny waves above the pleasantly dark water. The rest, he could deal with later. 

Unfortunately, Nate had other plans. 

Reluctantly, he pulled out a bunch of papers he had brought and placed them in Eric's lap. Eric immediately recognized them as the information Dr. Haywood had given them to take home and read before Monday would come. So far, he had managed to ignore them. He was sure the biopsy would work out either way, it wouldn't matter if he read some papers about every little detail. 

He moved the papers from his lap and placed them on the bridge. “Nate, not now" he said gently. He didn't feel like ruining this moment. 

Slowly, Nate counted to ten in his head, before he spoke, "When then?" He knew he shouldn't be getting mad at him, but it was just so god damn frustrating to seem to be the only one who cared. "The biopsy is Monday. Are we ever going to talk about it?" He picked up the papers again before the wind would get a hold of them, surely Eric would be pleased if that happened a bitterly thought infected him.

Eric wound in his line. “Monday. There's plenty of time." he stated calmly, yet again ignoring Nate's admirable perseverance. “Let's just be for a while, ok?” He casually shrugged his shoulders. “This might be the last nice day" The lure was hoisted out of the water. 

Nate was about to open his mouth to speak when he closed it again. Perhaps Eric was right. They had gone up here to relax and charge their batteries before it would all start. There was no point in starting early. "Ok" he finally agreed. "What do you wanna do then? I think it's too early in the afternoon for you to get any fish."

“I think you're right" Eric said and gathered his things. "Besides..." he turned back his head and looked at Nate for the first time, eyes sparkling. "... I got a better idea" he winked. Quickly, he was up on his feet and pulled Nate up by the hand. 

“What's that then?" Nate asked curiously. 

Eric kissed his cheek. ''I thought we might walk to the store, pick up a few things and I could cook for you" 

Nate picked up the case with lures. "You don't have to do that. I should do things for you" 

Eric slung an arm around Nate's shoulders as they walked back, the warped boards creaking under their feet. "Oh come on, it's not like I'm dying or anything" He bit his tongue as soon as the words left his mouth and he felt Nate's shoulders tense. An awkward silence fell between them before Eric cleared his throat, "Besides, Carrie told me about your struggles in the kitchen" He glanced at his husband who still held a serious frown. “You're not trying to poison our kids are you?" he teased and poked Nate in the side. And there it was, his husband's smile. As long as he could see that, it all felt fine. Then, nothing else mattered. 

…

The wind was biting and went straight through her clothes, the smoke from the cigarette in her hand provided a phantom warmth and Ryan's chest against her back gave her the real deal. They sat alone under an oak tree, not too far from the school premises.

Ryan took the cigarette from her and inhaled deeply, ''So, cancer huh?" 

Emma scrunched her face, she hated hearing it out loud like that. ''Yeah" she spoke bitterly. Taking back the cigarette, she continued “I mean daddy says it might not be" she took a drag and exhaled. For a second or two she seemed to get lost in thoughts. She was about to say something but paused, looking away from Ryan. "It's just been smooth sailing for too long." she flicked off a piece of ash. ''Something's bound to happen" 

Ryan leaned his head back against the tree, as if pondering. "So, your daddy's the one with cancer right?" 

Emma rolled her eyes. Ryan had never expressed having any problem with her having two dads, but he could never keep track on who was who. “No. Dad's the one who might have... “ She couldn't bother finishing the sentence. Fuck it. 

“But isn't that the guy who chased me away in the store?”

“Yes” She was already tired of this conversation. 

"Didn't your sister call him daddy?" 

Emma sighed and picked up a leaf. “Well she does, but he's dad to everyone else." She lit the leaf with the cigarette before Ryan took it out of her hand. "She's just weird" she added. 

“Don't you ever mix them up? I would totally do that” He blew out some smoke. 

Emma turned and looked at him with disbelief. ''Uhm...No" He was so stupid sometimes.

After taking a last drag of the cigarette, Ryan flicked it away onto the lawn. “Wanna come party tonight? Chris' parents are out of town so we're hanging there. You should totally be there" He leaned over so his face was in line with hers and put his thumb and index finger against his mouth, pretending to smoke. "It will be a real party, if you know what I mean" 

As tempting as it sounded, she could use some relief right now from all the shit that was going on, she knew Helen would never allow her to go out, she was being forced up at the crack of dawn to go get some damn horses. Besides, Justin was going to pick her up so he would probably stay for the evening “Don't think I can" She stood up and brushed her pants off, ''I better go.”

“Oh come on Ems, you should be there" he tried. 

"Maybe we can do something next weekend? My dad is having some party but I can probably sneak away" 

“Yeah, we'll see" Ryan said without much enthusiasm, dismissing her suggestion before even considering it. 

“Well, have fun tonight then" she sighed inaudible and turned on her heel to walk away. 

“Hey Ems" he called her back. When she turned she met his outstretched arm. "No goodbye kiss?” She smiled and grabbed his hand, getting pulled down to the ground again. “That's better" he mumbled between kisses. “That's my girl” he smirked. 

….

Nate looked into the warm flames in the open fireplace which he had just lit. He glanced to his left where Eric was working in the kitchen. Wonderful smells which he was never able to produce were spread throughout the cabin. Looking back into the flames he recalled the first time they had gone up here, they'd been looking for a summer place and the small cabin had been the perfect option. Far enough from town but not too far. Ever since they had bought it it had been their place to get away to when they needed somewhere to be alone without any interruptions. It had seen them through depression, death and a long distance relationship. Nate threw on another log. Now it needed to see them through a possible cancer diagnosis. 

He heard Eric whistle the theme to 'Jurassic Park' while stirring in the pan. He knitted his brows and watched him work. Taking on such a carefree approach to all of this wasn't coming so easily to him as it apparently did for Eric. He wondered if it could really be good for him. Maybe he was trying to take on a positive attitude to deal with everything or maybe he was just procrastinating his true feelings. It wouldn't be the first time. 

Trying not to think about it too much, Nate shook his head free of thoughts and pushed himself up from the floor. He lit a couple of candles on the dining table before he went over to Eric. "Want any help?" 

Eric threw him a glance and smiled, kissed his cheek and turned the mango chicken over. "Nope. You just go sit down. Dinner is ready in a few" 

''You sure?" 

"Nate, come on, you don't wanna be ruining your dinner do you?” he teased and pushed Nate away, towards the table.

Nate did what he was told, even if he didn't like it, and sat down patiently waiting at the table. He watched Eric place the chicken on a couple of plates and as he was putting the skillet back on the stove, Nate saw him grimacing badly right before his hand started shaking. He dropped the skillet onto the stove with a hard bang, somehow knocking down the salt to the floor. 

Eric grabbed his head and Nate was already by his side. "Come on hon, let's sit down” Nate tried taking his arm but Eric pushed him away. 

''I'm fine Nate!" The tone came out harsh. Seeing Nate take a step back, he lowered his voice. “I don't need to sit down" 

“Well dinner is already done anyway. Go sit down and I'll bring the food" Nate coaxed. 

Eric rubbed at his temples, the fury wave of headache was starting to pass. ''Nate stop fussing. I'm fine" he said with a sigh. 

It was as if something snapped inside, everything imploding, and it caused Nate to scream out in anger, ''You are not fine!! You might have cancer!!" His words sucked out all air in the room, making sounds impossible to be heard and they both became very still. 

Eric was clenching his jaw at the sudden outburst and stared at him as Nate continued in a low, scared voice, ''You might have cancer Eric" he said, looking down. "I see you're hurting, so just fucking let me fuss over you" He looked up into Eric's eyes and wiped a tear away. “I feel so god damn helpless you know" 

At a loss for words, Eric stared at Nate for a while, trying to read all emotions radiating from him. He finally wrapped his arms around Nate's shoulders, drawing him in close, he let one hand bury its fingers in the curls of his neck. “It's gonna be ok" he whispered into Nate's ear. "I'm gonna be fine" 

"You don't know that." Nate sobbed into his neck. 

''Of course I do. Who else will make sure you get a decent meal?" Eric kept soothing. 

Nate pushed himself away, shaking his head. "Please stop joking about it. I just can't deal with that. This is real Eric. This is not some joke" 

Slightly baffled, Eric couldn't bring himself to look into Nate's piercing eyes, they saw through him too easily. He gnawed at the inside of his lower lip. “I.. I.." he started, sounding very serious on his voice, before he swallowed the words away. 

He looked at Nate and smiled, stroking some tears on his husband's face away with his thumb. Nate's eyes were pleading for understanding, but he couldn't give it to him, not now. “I promise, tomorrow we'll take a look at those biopsy papers. Tonight, I joke about it. Ok?" he said and sealed his question which wasn't really a question at all with a kiss on Nate's forehead, “Now, let's eat. I'm starving" he said and took the plates over to the table, leaving Nate at the counter. 

Sighing over a lost battle, Nate dropped his shoulders and closed his eyes. He pursed his lips tight, tight together, slowly shaking his head and hoping more than anything that Eric soon would let him in.

…

"There. Stop right there "Andrea demanded which by Lars hit the 'space' key. ''Couldn't that piece fit at the end?" 

Lars glared at her with an 'are-you-crazy' expression upon his face and continued seriously, “If you want Eric to kill you, then yes, I suppose it could" he said with his one of a kind, dry sense of humor. 

Andrea sighed. “Fine" 

Silence momentarily filled the air. They had decided yesterday to go up to Chicago one last time, meeting up with one Mrs. Wood who was an old friend to James' late aunt. They had been in contact with her before and she had promised them she would take them to the house where James had grown up. The trip had been a good one since they'd gotten a few good shots of the house which would serve well as a background story. 

It was one of those scenes Andrea now had suggested to put at the end. The broken swing would work great as a metaphor for the broken life he had as a grown up. Lars was right though, Eric always believed in giving people hope, as he had pointed out Monday in the very same room. He would know what to do, after all, he was the director. 

Andrea was the first one to retrieve from thoughts. ''Have you talked to him?" She had been shocked about the news of Eric ever since Justin had told her. 

Lars shook his head, sadness unwillingly crossing his face. “Not since Wednesday. I don't want to intrude, Dan and I wanted to go there yesterday but he said they needed some time with the kids before today." 

Andrea recalled Justin telling her they would go away and that he might spend some extra time with Emma this weekend. “So? Call again. I know he would be happy hearing from you” she insisted, knowing what good friends they were. 

Lars pressed a smile, “Yeah" He wished he could have talked to him longer than he had, but he had sounded so vastly tired. It was still surreal thinking that his friend might have cancer. From what Nate had told them Sunday he thought he'd been a pill popper, not something like this. He had seen firsthand how Eric had struggled with headaches for at least a couple of months and yet he hadn't thought a tumor could be the reason. He'd also seen first hand what cancer could do to a person, having his own mother passing away from it. 

He was angry. At himself for not reading the obvious signs but even more so he was furious at Eric for denying them so long. What if it would be too late? He was afraid that if he were to talk to Eric he would yell at him, and what kind of person yelled at a possible cancer patient? 

Clearing his throat, he leaned in to the computer. ''Let's see what else we got here" he said, changing the subject and started fast forwarding them through the clips. They worked in silence for a few minutes before they decided that nothing of the new material was good enough for what they already had. Either that or it didn't feel good doing any additional edits without Eric. 

Lars stopped the film at the last frame, once again meeting James' hollow eyes.

Andrea heard him sigh and it wasn't hard figuring out what he was thinking. Kicking a shoe off, she pulled one foot under her leg. ”I think I know exactly what to give Eric next weekend" she smiled contently, the idea just hitting her. 

Lars cocked a brow, somewhat surprised "Is he still having a party?" 

''Yeah. Justin told me. Probably not as many people as they intended for though." 

"Oh. Well that's good I guess" 

“Wanna know my idea?" She bit her lip, looking hopeful.

There was a knock at the door. 

Seeing who entered, Andrea immediately stood up with a smile, meeting their visitor with a hug. ''Hi you. I didn't know you were coming”

Justin gave Andrea a small but affectionate kiss. “I'm not interrupting am I?" he looked between Lars and Andrea. 

“Not at all J" Lars said, being close enough to use his nickname. After all he had known him for ten years and he had often been with Eric at work. He knew how close they were and he understood how worried Justin must be. He pushed out a chair. “Take a seat" 

Justin did as told and Andrea took the seat next to him, scooting over closer. She didn't waste any time, ''Have you heard anything from Eric or Nate?" 

Lars didn't want to admit that he'd been wanting to ask the exact same question. “No. Nothing" Justin shook his head. At a thought hitting him, he smirked “Guess I'll take that as a good sign." 

“I'm sure they're fine" Lars encouraged them all, feigning optimism. 

“I was just on my way to pick up Emma when I thought I'd stop by here. I'm taking her back to Helen's, maybe she'll know something else" he explained, sounding apologetic and worried at the same time. He had wanted to see Andrea again before he would probably spend the night at Helen's house. 

Andrea picked up on the mood shift and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He had been crying silently in her arms late last night and she knew the fragile place he was in. Knowing both Eric and Justin she knew the depths of his worry. 

Justin pushed away the ominous thoughts that were trying to seize his mind. “So, what are you guys doing?" he asked, aiming for an easy conversation. 

Andrea reclaimed her hand from his shoulder. “Just trying to edit some last stuff for the documentary" 

"How's it going?" Justin asked genuinely interested, he had heard too much about it to ignore it. 

"If you could give us an ending without these sad eyes that would be great" Lars said, pointing to the screen with James on display. 

Justin looked up at the screen he had yet payed attention to since walking into the room. ''Oh my God. That's him." 

... 

Nate hung up the phone after talking to Helen and saying good night to the kids. Carrie had sounded a bit sad which Helen explained was because she had fallen and scraped her knee and been crying for her daddy to comfort her. It tugged at his heart that they weren't there for them right now. He was revealed to hear they all had gone to school, including Emma. Helen said they were turning in early, they had a long day tomorrow going to pick up Skylar and Moses. Nate felt guilty about leaving all three kids with them when they were so busy, but Helen had assured him about a thousand times that it was fine. 

A cold gush of wind blew in as Eric opened the door, carrying some new logs for the fire. They had a shed behind the house which they let a local farmer fill every season, the same one who looked after the cabin when they couldn't be there. 

“Here, let me take it" Nate tried. It wasn't right that Eric should be the one doing everything. 

Eric turned away from him, arms filled with wood. “Nate, we said no fuss today" He bent down and placed the logs next to the fireplace and added one on, eliciting sparks from the golden flames.

Nate folded his arms. “I just want to help Eric, you haven't let me done anything today”

Eric looked up with a grin and unloaded the last log from his arms. "I know something you can do." 

"What?" Right now, he would agree to anything. 

Eric stood and faced him, a narrow space between their noses. “You. Can...Warm me" he tantalized and rubbed his hands together. "It was freezing out there." 

Nate gently took his hands in his, the fingers were cold as popsicles. ''Why don't you take a seat by the fire and I'll make us some hot chocolate"

“With whipped cream I hope" Eric seductively whispered into Nate's ear, causing a jolt through his body and for a second he forgot about every worry he had ever had. 

Nate swallowed hard to control urges that started to rise within. ''Jeez hon. You know better than to use that voice with me" He couldn't be thinking about that right now, but oh god it had been a week and they were all alone, maybe if they just...No. He stopped his thoughts and shook his head clear. 

Eric just stood there, smiling back at him. At first glance you could see his eyes sparkle, reminiscing the young man he once was but if you looked closer, deeper, there was something profound dark in there and it scared Nate. It was Eric, but not...Eric. 

Nate smiled weakly and quickly caressed his cheek. “Two cups coming right up" he cleared his throat and turned for the kitchen. 

Eric grabbed his arm and turned him back. "Hey, not so fast" he tugged at his arm and Nate came crashing into his body. There was a slight pause were Nate tried reading the emotions exploding behind Eric's eyes. Before he could, Eric pressed a kiss to his lips. 

Nate tensed and put up a halting hand to Eric's chest "Look, maybe we shouldn't..." He couldn't complete his protest before Eric's hands were behind his neck, keeping him in place and demanding entrance for his tongue into his mouth. 

“Eric..” he mumbled.

Eric broke the kiss briefly. "Nate, stop talking. I need this" his voice demanding and hoarse. 

Lips were once again pressed to each other, Nate felt a hand under his shirt and two seconds later on his ass, gripping hard and pushing their groins together. A few thoughts of how wrong this was infected his mind, Eric was not himself, but the moment Eric kissed his way along his collar bone every little doubt was lost and it took little persuasion to give in to happier thoughts. 

Eric quickly pulled Nate's shirt up over his head and tossed it to the floor. He hurriedly followed suit with his own shirt, not waiting for Nate to undress him. He needed this, needed to feel skin against skin, a panting breath against his lips. He was done with being tired and sick, he just wanted to feel alive and he was tired of feeling numb from too many thoughts. He just wanted to feel...something. 

Maybe that was why he stopped licking and kissing Nate's chest and instead invited Nate to do the same. The attention felt so damn good, his desire ready to break free from the denim prison guard. And maybe it was his will to forget, what also caused him to place a hand on Nate's shoulder and not so subtly push it down, urging him to take his exploring to more southern regions.

Nate felt his husband's hand on his shoulder, it had been pushing him down before but never this hard. He kissed his way down Eric's chest and stomach, following his happy trail, biting gently at his hipbone. He cupped Eric's erection with his hand and lightly bit on the fabric that covered it. 

Suddenly he felt Eric push him away, his fingers being all over his face while the other one opened his belt and unbuttoned his jeans. Nate sought out one finger with his tongue while he watched Eric's cock bob free before his eyes. He swirled his tongue around the finger, a prelude on what was to come.   
Eric's fingers moved position and rummaged the hair in the back of neck. Then, without preamble, he shoved himself into Nate's mouth. It was raw, with more lust than love behind the actions. 

Fiddling with his own belt, Nate searched for access to his own lust but he lost concentration as Eric kept thrusting deeper and harder into his mouth. This was not a blow job. This was mouth fucking. 

Something that became very clear when Eric grabbed each side of Nate's head, covering both his ears and damping all sounds, including his own sounds that came from attempts to breathe. He grabbed Eric's hips to steady himself. It'd been a while since he'd taken him this deep and he praised himself for controlling the gag reflex. 

He tried going along in the fast tempo, and even though his mouth could keep up, his mind couldn't. Neither could his erection, which by each thrust became limper. In other circumstances he would have found this incredibly arousing. Not now though, not like this. Eric's legs were shaking and he had problems to remain standing. Nate knew he was close when Eric's fingers pulled his hair. Before he could think another thought, warm sperm hit the back of his throat and Eric glued his head tight to his body while he emptied every drop into Nate's mouth. 

Nate was forced to breathe through his nostrils and when Eric fell down to the floor he drew a deep breath down his lungs. 

“Jeezus" Eric panted out of breath into his ear. Nate felt Eric's hand wander down his body. ''Let me do you" he whispered in earnest. 

Before he reached his destination, Nate pulled his hand away. "I already came" he lied and wiped away some spilled sperm and saliva from the corner of his mouth. ''I should go clean up" he said and released himself from Eric's grip, standing up. 

“Nate" Eric called back when he was about to leave the room. Nate turned. Still on the floor, leaning back on his calves Eric looked seriously at him. ''Thank you. I needed that" 

Nate mustered a weak smile and turned for the bathroom again. What about what he needed? 

...

“Dad, lift me up dad!" Anthony reached up his short arms, eagerly waiting and hoping he would get a rest from walking. It wasn't fair; his big sister had longer legs and his younger sister had been in a stroller all day. Now it was his turn to rest. 

Eric bent down to his awaiting son and picked him up, hoisting him up on his shoulders and for a moment it felt like they were both flying through the air. 

“I see Mickey Mouse! Over there dad! Over there!" the boy pointed and laughed with eager to his voice.

Eric took it as his cue to run. He passed Nate with the stroller who was a few feet ahead of them since he had stopped to pick up Anthony. He ran past Emma who was mindlessly chatting away with Nate. Anthony screamed of joy as they passed them and shrieked as they started chasing after. "Faster dad! Faster!" 

"Which way buddy? Where's Mickey?" Eric called, determined to reach him, although, this was Disneyworld; he was sure they could find another 'Mickey Mouse'. 

Anthony pointed slightly to his right. ''That way! He went that way!" Eric took a firm hold around his ankles, and if possible, ran even faster. The wind was swooshing past his ears, he could hear his daddy and sisters laugh behind them as they ran past candy stores and the ferris wheel, Alice in Wonderland and Captain Hook's ship, all things blending together before him into all the colors of the rainbow as they ran and ran. “There he is! Let me down dad!" 

Eric did as he was told and watched his son run away, making his way through the crowd which he quickly became lost within. The crowd grew bigger and bigger, like a thick forest not letting any sunlight in and he suddenly felt very small, and very alone. There was Mickey again, maybe Anthony would be with him. Slowly, he pushed his way through all the people, his heart beating fast, receiving more strokes on the head than he wished for. 

Swallowing, he carefully tapped on the back of Mickey. Eric held his breath and tried not to gasp when he saw on just who he had called attention for. 

“Son, I will not have you disobeying my orders again!" shouted the voice of his father, gone was all animated characters. ''You run away from me again and I'll lock you up in your room!" 

Eric frantically nodded his head. A blow came to his cheek. "Don't just nod looking like a goddamn retard. You speak!" But he couldn't stop nodding. He was petrified of what might happen. 

Then, he woke. 

Eric jerked awake with a gasp, sitting upright in bed. He dried some sweat from his forehead and tried to relax his palpitating heart with some deep breathing. 

He looked to his right and there was Nate, sleeping peacefully but stirring slightly. Deciding he didn't want to risk wakening him, Eric carefully slipped out from under the cover. The cold floor shocked his feet and he quietly tiptoed out to the kitchen. He turned on the cold water but made sure it made as little sound as possible. He filled both his palms with the cool water before splashing it onto his face. It felt relaxing. He hadn't had a dream about his father in a very long time. There was no need for them to come back right now. He hated the way his father always seemed to sneak his way into his life without having to be physically present. 

He splashed some more water onto his face and let his head hang over the sink, letting the water drip slowly off of his chin. He closed his eyes, just for a while, shutting out thoughts and emotions. His face might have been cool but his body still felt as it was on fire. He needed a cold shower.

Quickly, he stripped naked and headed for the shower, suddenly stopping himself when passing the bathroom mirror. He turned and faced the haunted expression in his eyes. At first it shocked him to meet his face and he stepped closer to the truth telling reflection, nearly touching it with his nose, to see if it was really him looking back. 

He didn't recognize himself. He stroked the unfamiliar bristle on his cheek, it had never been this long, he was always usually attentive to grooming. Somehow, his cheeks felt thinner and the couple of creases in his forehead looked deeper. His eyes appeared weary and empty. Lost. The only thing that hadn't seemed to change was his dark hair, except for a few aging signs of grays, it was still the same as it always had been. 

Studying his brown waves, the truth emerged; maybe he wouldn't be able to keep it for long. He knew that you needed chemo treatment for your hair to fall off and not all cancer patients underwent that procedure. If he was a cancer patient. He tried believing in the 'if' part the best he could. After next week he would know for sure. He just needed to get through Monday first. 

When being out to collect wood for the fireplace he had brought the papers Dr. Haywood had given them and that Nate had tried pushing on to him. The truth was he didn't want to read them with Nate in case he would break. Nate did not need to see him cry right now, he had enough people to take care of for his emotions to get spent. He didn't want Nate to waste them on him. 

So, he had read the papers out in the shed, trying to remain calm when a rather frightening procedure rolled up in front of his eyes. When realizing that could be the easy part of what could come, a few tears had trickled down his cheeks before stuffing the papers back in his jacket, blocking what he had just read aside. He wanted to forget about the truth for a little while longer and he had desired for Nate to wash the fear away. To his shame, his desperate needs had turned out to something he deeply regretted. Nate hadn't said anything but he knew he'd hurt him. Those papers and their content had seemed surreal, the drilling in his skull had been explicitly explained. 

Drawing his eyes to his hair again, he wondered if they needed to shave his head to do so. He'd gotten some special shampoo to wash his hair with before Monday. Still, they probably needed to remove part of it before they could operate. Besides, if it didn't happen now, it could happen later if he was subjected to chemo. Rather than skirt it, he could mind as well deal with things now. Gripping at the bottom of the mirror and opening the cabinet, he took out a small nail scissor; it would have to do. 

He started cutting. 

One by one, a dark lock fell into the sink. The sound from the scissors' metal blades meeting, cut through the silence. When he was done, he ran his fingers through his new, uneven do. Some trimming was needed. He picked up his electrical razor and flipped up the small trimmer, that would even it out. 

There was a sharp breath from the doorway. Eric turned quickly and met Nate's ogling eyes and shocked, rueful expression. 

''What are you doing?" Nate asked confused at seeing his naked husband with the razor in his hand, even if the answer was quite obvious.

Eric stared at him for a few seconds, he hadn't been prepared to be interrupted in his ritual. “I just thought I would make it easier for the doctors" he smiled but it died quickly. “And if I'm going to go through chemo" he added quietly. 

“You don't know that" Nate interrupted sternly. 

Eric stepped closer, "Nate, I..." he wanted to tell him he did know, that he could feel the truth in his spine but he stopped himself from speaking, knowing that 'hope' should be the last thing leaving a person. ''It's just something that feels right doing, ok?" 

Nate looked down, controlling jumbled thoughts and trying to speak honestly; he needed to explain himself. ''I'm just not ready for this. It's all going too fast" He clenched his jaw, seemingly taken by the situation. He exhaled a deep breath, his lower lip shivering. “I don't recognize parts of you that's happening already and it scares me" he looked up, locking brown to blue eyes. 

Eric had always been in awe of Nate's way to speak so freely of his fears. It just hurt knowing what he must have been referring to; hurting Emma, yelling at his friend, lying, and today, using Nate's body in the wrong way for his own gain. 

Taking one step further, he entered Nate's personal space. Shameful, he couldn't look him in the eyes. His hand settled on his shoulder, picking at some fuzz that wasn't there. "I'm sorry about earlier today" he said and dried at his eye before a tear would escape. "And I'm sorry for not being myself lately..." he apologized with a catch in his voice. 

“No, no, no" Nate objected. ''I didn't mean it like that. You have nothing to be sorry for, you couldn't help it." he reached out for his fingers to play through Eric's hair as he usually did when talking like this. Now, there wasn't enough to grip and he felt empty. As if the decease had robbed him of something that was his. Instead, he moved his hand down to stroke his husband's shoulder, the other hand following suit. 

Eric snuggled in closer to the embrace, leaning his head in the nape of Nate's neck. ''Still, I shouldn't have done what I did today" he said sorrowfully and wrapped his arms around Nate's naked torso.

There came no response from Nate other than a tighter grip around his body and a quickening in his heaving chest which soon developed into small sobs. Eric kissed his cheek and neck over and over again, drawing solace for them both from the affection. What Nate really wanted to say was something he couldn't; What if he couldn't make this? Eric could never hear him uttering it, it wouldn't be fair, what right did he have to be so egoistic? 

Nate snorted and backed out of their hold of each other. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can do this" he nodded feverishly. Convincing himself was the hardest challenge, but what other choice did he really have? It was time to be strong, for Eric, for himself, for all of them. 

Eric looked solemnly at him before reaching for his hand and turned the palm upwards. In it, he placed the razor. He took a seat on the toilet, facing away from Nate. 

Nate stared at the item in his hand for a while before closing his fingers hard around it, his mind focused and ready for one single task. He stepped up behind Eric and carefully placed the trimmer at that long, gracious neck of his. 

Then, he turned it on, letting the buzzing sound drown out all the fears in his head. 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 14

Heartbeats.

Our lives are controlled by them. They tell us if we're alive or...deceased. 

They tell us if we're excited...nervous...exhausted....in love...

Sometimes, it feels like they're stopping, and with them, time does as well. 

Our hearts pump our blood around as steady as the seconds around the clock, emitting sounds of life. Slowly, they move us forward. They take us through all the cornerstones of one day; the moments, down to every little second, the happy...du-dunk...the sad...du-dunk...the living...

And as each moment passes, our hearts keep on pumping...

 

Du-dunk...

...

Nate unlocked the door as quietly as he could, afraid to break the serenity of the early morning. The familiar 'click' seemed harder and more metallic than usual. Along with his own heartbeats which were louder than usual, every sound echoed in his head, like stilettos walking slowly on a marble floor down the aisle of an abandoned church. It had been many, many years since he'd visited one. What good had it ever done to him? Except causing him grief over lost loved ones. 

He sighed, swallowed, and slowly opened the door, his hand slightly trembling. “Hi” he greeted Helen quietly with a very small, very fake and very transparent smile. When all of this was over, he needed to get her, and Justin, something for all of their help, it was the least he could do. 

“Morning” She greeted with more cheer than he could muster, before grabbing his face and pressing an affectionate kiss full of strength onto his forehead. “Where's Eric?” she whispered. 

“Upstairs, kissing the kids goodbye” His voice caught in his throat which Helen quickly picked up on. She always did. 

“Hey” she lifted his chin, staring into sad big brown eyes, “Everything will be fine, it's just a small procedure remember?” she encouraged. "We'll be right here waiting for you when you get back" 

There was something about Helen's face that always put him at ease. Perhaps it was the blushed, soft cheeks, the warm green eyes or the kind Chanel red smile. Nate nodded and forced himself to smile, for real this time. “Ok”

They both heard footsteps coming from the stairs, one creaking step in particular always gave a person away, and they turned. Eric stood at the bottom of the stairs, somewhat cautious but with a determination in his eyes. 

Helen was the first to speak, “Morning Eric” Just like she'd done to her brother, she pulled his head down and gave him a kiss. 

Eric reveled in her warm hug and all he could think was what a fantastic woman she was and he was so blessed to have her in his life. “Thanks for staying with the kids” He spoke as quietly as his supporting duo. 

Helen backed out of the embrace, pinching his cheek. It reminded him of Nate's mother. “It's not a problem” she smiled. 

Nate looked at him, swallowed back the building anxiety and handed him his black, autumn coat. “You ready to go?” There was a part of him still hoping he would wake up at any second. 

Eric nodded quietly and carefully took the coat out of Nate's hand. His brave expression faltered and the truth wasn't hard to read across his face. Before he knew it, he found himself getting pulled in for a hug. Behind his back, Nate had his arm reached out for Helen to take, channeling the strength he needed to get through this day. 

…

Du-dunk...

...

Nate's left knee swiftly jumped up and down while he bit on his fingernails, by now he was practically chewing skin and not nail. They would look like shit but it was a small price to pay from completely going insane. 

They had arrived at the hospital half an hour ago. It had never seemed as daunting as it did just then. They had taken the D elevator up to the third floor to the First Day Surgery center, there, they had signed in and now all they got to do was wait. It was nerve wrecking.

Nate looked around the corridor in which they sat waiting. It was still early morning and there wasn't many people there except for the day nurses starting their shift and the night nurses saying goodbye, they even had time to stop and talk with each other. Nate figured it was the calm before the storm. A red head smiled kindly at them as she walked pass them, she was wearing a jacket and her bag was slung over her shoulder. Part of him wished he could go with her, just get the hell out of there. But he couldn't, so, he kept chewing on his nails and bobbing his knee. 

Eric glanced at his husband who appeared more nervous than himself. Not that he blamed him. “Nate, I love you, but I swear to god if you don't sit still soon I will get some nurse to kick you out if I can't do it myself” He was half-joking, half-serious. 

Nate halted his motions, somewhat embarrassed that he couldn't keep his emotions in check. He threw Eric an apologetic look. "Sorry". 

Eric reached out and grabbed Nate's hand that was still unwillingly tapping his thigh. Calmly, he stroked it with his thumb. ''That's better" he smiled. His stomach suddenly made a loud rumble.

"You hungry?' Nate inquired, knowing that Eric hadn't been allowed any breakfast. Apart from a couple of crackers, which had been in the cupboard for god knows how long, he hadn't had any himself; he was too nervous to eat. 

“I'll be fine” Eric smiled at him like the master of make-belief that he was. 

Nate eyed him, he looked so different with his short hair and he found himself missing the brown locks to card his fingers through. His cheeks were also clean shaved, a more welcomed attire. The kids had hardly recognized their almost hairless dad when they got back from the fishing trip yesterday. 

After that night of crying and trimming of hair they had sat down and thoroughly gone through the papers on what to expect about the biopsy. Things had felt better after that. Now here they were, waiting for all the things written on paper to be brought to life. 

“Eric Hagen?” The voice startled them. Eric looked up with a nod, holding his breath. “We're ready for you”

…

Du-dunk...  
…

Justin felt guilty. 

He should have been at the hospital waiting with Nate, who he hadn't seen for four days, or with Helen, helping out with the kids like he'd done Saturday. But he wasn't, and he didn't know if they would understand. Curiosity was not something that sat well with his nature, everyone knew that, but now, he needed answers. Answers to the question that had been gnawing at his mind all weekend, ever since he'd visited Andrea at LNTV. 

Cautiously, his eyes searched the corridors, students running around as ants. Some friends of his waved for him to come over but he gestured with his hand and head that he couldn't. They had to wait. That's when he suddenly spotted her, for a second heat surged his body as his eyes zoomed in on her, seeing nothing else, and his body made a beeline to her. 

"Cassidy" His voice was stern and unapologetic, already more angry than he'd intended. 

A smile on her lips quickly died when hearing the voice behind her. She slowly closed her locker, spun on the little wheel and turned to Justin. "I'm late for class" She was not about to talk with someone who had rejected her. She pressed the books against her chest and brushed past him. 

Justin quickly grabbed her around her small bicep. ''Not so fast. I have some questions for you”

Cassidy raised a challenging eyebrow and glanced down at Justin's hand which was gripping her arm, ''I think you should let me go now, don't you?" She stared back into his eyes. 

He ignored her request, "I want you to answer me something first" he said and practically dragged her to a secluded corner. 

''What are you doing? Let go of me!" she hissed like a snake as she almost tripped when being pushed backwards. 

Justin pressed her into a corner and looked around, making sure no one could hear them, "Why were you at the hospital last week?" 

“That is none of your concern" she spat back, trying to wrangle herself out of his grip. 

“Then let me rephrase my question" He paused, looking deep into deceptive eyes. ''How do you know James?" There wasn't a doubt in his mind it was her mane he'd seen next to James while he'd been listening to Eric's ER doctor. 

There was a sudden shift in her features and her face softened, ''Well he's in my class. I actually think Elisa has a bit of a crush on him" she added with a giggle. A thought that caused a quizzical frown came over her, ''Oh! Maybe you meant James who's substituting Mr H? There are so many with the same name, isn't that funny? How is Mr. H. by the way? You seem... close" she ended her distractive ranting, tilting her head to the side and smiled to herself.

Justin was anything but amused and he spoke through gritted teeth “You know exactly which James I'm talking about”

Cassidy beamed with her best Cinderella smile and kept a tone as if she was speaking to a child “I'm sorry Justin, I'm not sure what you're talking about” Her eyes sparkled. 

That was it. His last patience with her was blown and he stepped right up, dangerously close to her face, backing her up against the wall. His angry finger pointed her repeatedly in the chest, “I don't know what games you're playing, but I know you're up to something. I saw you and James at the hospital last week, a man that's been missing for two weeks, vanished, gone. Yet you seem to know him well enough to go to a hospital with him. I don't know what that tells you, but you denying the fact that you know him, tells me a great deal. And I'm going to find out exactly what you're up to" 

For a second he thought he saw a flicker of wrath mixed with fear in her eyes but it was gone as quickly as it came and her expression was once again radiating innocence. "Are you sure you are ok Justin? You don't look so fine to me” She watched him with pity in her eyes. “Delusional even. Would you like me to take you to the nurse?" 

Narrowing his eyes, there wasn't anything he could do but stare at her in disbelief. Her behavior threw him completely off course. When she tried feeling his forehead for temperature, he slapped her hand away. 

She smiled instead of feeling offended by his reluctance to let her check if he had a fever. "Now I think a good idea would be for you to let me go, people are beginning to stare and it would just be a shame if they were to think you were insulting me in any way" she spoke compassionately. 

Justin glanced to his right, and sure enough, there were a couple of people throwing cautious looks their way. "I'll be watching you" he said in a menacing voice before he reluctantly let her go. 

Cassidy smoothed out her shirt, "Oh, I'm sure you will" She smiled and walked away, holding her head high as she always did.

Justin turned to follow her - from now on he wouldn't let her out of his sight - and found Elisa standing behind him. She was looking intently at him, her emotions impossible to read. They stood like that for a few seconds until she without a word turned her heel and followed her friend down the hall.  
…

Du-dunk...

…

“Well, well Mr. Hagen, I had forgotten how hot you look in a hospital gown” Nate wiggled his eyebrows, reaching for any humor he could find in the somber situation and tugged at the ends of Eric's borrowed robe. A broken appendix had been the reason for his fashion statement the last time. 

They were in a private changing room the nurse had showed them to and in a matter of minutes they would be separated for hours. 

Eric smiled one of his shy trademark crooked smiles. “Shut up O'Connor. You just like looking at my ass hanging out" If Nate wanted humor, he would play along. 

Nate threw up his hand in surrender. "You caught me” he said with a coy laugh. A laugh that made his eyes sparkle but was soon traded in for a look of silent and unconditional love. 

In silence, Eric put on a couple of warm socks, between them and the gown, the image must have been flattering. He neatly folded his own clothes and went to put them away in a locker outside the room. When he got back, he sat down on the bed with a deep sigh, reality catching up with him. 

"Hey" Nate stepped up in front of him and grabbed a hand. “Things will be fine. These guys will take good care of you and it will be over before you know it. And I will be waiting for you" He stroked Eric's cheek. 

Eric leaned in to the embrace. ''I know. I know" He looked up at Nate with a new shine in his eyes. "Nothing to worry about right" He tried sounding brave enough to be convincing. 

"Right" Nate nodded once concurrently. There was a flicker of doubt in his husband's eyes and he continued, “Besides, how often do you get to play the lead in a sci-fi?" he asked, referring to what Eric had confided with him Saturday. The fact that someone would drill in his brain made him pretend to be in a movie.

The statement coaxed a genuine laughter from Eric and god did it feel good to hear that right now.   
The laughter slowly subsided and the two met in a serious look that needed no interpretation. 

“I love you" Eric said softly. The words felt like a warm blanket over Nate who was slightly shaking out of anxiety. 

"I love you too" he said and drew Eric impossible close. He was still sitting down and his face pressed against his heart, ''So, so much” He cradled his head before he lifted it and met those lips that belonged to him, with his own. It was a kiss that said more than words could ever express. A kiss that captured all the love and the trust between them, that provided solace to their minds and whispered to their hearts that they, no matter what happened, would never be separated. 

A nurse cleared her throat, respectfully speaking in a low voice, a hint of southern accent to it. "It's time come with me Eric" 

He smiled at her and nodded his understanding. Nate pulled him in once more and whispered soothingly into his ear, ''I'll be waiting" 

…

Du-dunk...

…

If he hadn't been fully convinced that he was starring in a sci-fi movie before, he certainly was now. Eric looked at the head frame he'd only seen in pictures before and there was this sudden feeling of panic setting in. This was really happening. 

His heart rate was being monitored and Dr. Haywood picked up on that it was beating harder. ''I know it looks scary but it's our friend in this. Helps me keep your head nice and still" he calmed. 

''Oh I know, I know" Eric looked down at his hands, slightly embarrassed that he needed a five year old's treatment. 

Dr. Haywood chuckled. "Some even say it makes them feel like Hannibal Lector or something with that piece over their nose" This Eric could definitely relate to and his mind was put a bit at ease. The IV tugged some at his skin when he laughed.

The doctor smiled pleased with himself. This was always a nervous stage. Before they had really started and before the anesthesiologist had given the patient any relaxing medication. He pressed at Eric's head where he'd placed the local anesthetic, "Can you feel this?"

Eric shook his head. “Not really, no"

"Good. Time to dress you in the latest fashion then" he continued to keep the conversation light and motioned for one of the two nurses to help him. 

The doctor and nurse concentrated on getting the frame placed just right and Eric was left with his own thoughts. They went to what they always went to these days; the kids, Nate, the documentary, the poisonous words he had spoken but that actually came directly from his father. There were memories of other hospital visits flooding his mind, especially the ones of Emma being little. Several of infections and high fever episodes had caused them to sleep in hospitals more than once. It had been scary seeing their little girl so weak. 

"You ok there Eric?" Dr. Haywood asked, having noticed the quickening of his heartbeat.

As he couldn't nod, the head frame stopped him, he got himself together. “I'm ok” he cleared his throat “I just shouldn't think too much" he pressed a still laugh. 

The doctor smiled knowingly. "Just focus on that you will be back with Nate in no time and the kids will be waiting” When mentioning 'kids' there was another quickening of Eric's heartbeat and Dr. Haywood recalled their first conversation. Eric flinched a bit when he tightened the head frame on his head but he didn't say a word. He was a hard character to read. 

Eric felt the pressure at two places in his forehead and two places in the back of his head. It didn't exactly hurt but they created a pressure to his head that he needed to endure for the hours to come. First, he was going to get his second CAT scan. 

…

Du-dunk...

…

He took one, two, three deep breaths trying to calm himself. Right about now, he really wanted to run out of the operating room. Even if he'd tried he couldn't have, seeing as his head was secured to the operating table. His arm was starting to cramp from laying absolutely still and his heart kept pounding so hard in his chest that it was all he could hear. There was no reason to feel this nervous, people did this all the time. 

It was the result he feared. 

Looking around the bright room he saw his anesthesiologist who had introduced himself as Colin. Now, he was standing on his right side working with some machines that drew up curves of various functions of Eric's body. The only one he recognized was the one of his heartbeat, the other two he couldn't be bothered in asking what they were for. At his foot end was Rose, the oldest among them. There were two other nurses there he couldn't remember the name of, neither had he any idea of what they were doing. 

He couldn't see Dr. Haywood's whereabouts but he could hear his rumbling voice behind him, discussing something with a nurse; medical terms that were undecipherable to his ear. 

"Ok Eric, I'm going to cover you with this now" It was Rose who spoke. Her eyes were kind as she draped a green operating blanket over his torso. Green, green, green. They claimed it was suppose to be a calming color. Right now, he wasn't too convinced. 

Without thinking, he reached out his left hand for her to take. She did, and not only that, she patted the back of his hand with her other hand. Looking at him with a kind smile, she gave him all the reassurance he needed without a word being said. She was a real pro down to the smallest of bones, all the way through. Oddly enough, he couldn't help but wonder if his mother's eyes had looked equally kind when she'd been alive. 

A voice from his other side broke the spell, "Now Eric, I'm going to give you some medicine through your IV that will help you relax a bit." It was Colin who spoke this time. 

"Finally" Eric tried joking but he wasn't sure it came out as humorous as he intended for. 

Colin smiled politely and pushed a needle in to his IV and in a matter of seconds everything felt much, much better. A minute or two later he could have sworn there was a goofy grin on his lips. Everyone was smiling and the atmosphere around him felt soft as cotton. He heard people speak but he had no idea what they were saying. He wasn't even sure if they were speaking to him or not; at one point he thought he felt his lips move. Everything sort of melted together into a timeless universe and he couldn't make out how long anything lasted. 

Someone was definitely shaving a part of his head, and then there was definitely a needle penetrating his skin, making the area sting a little. Nothing he payed much attention to though. 

After a while he heard a noise that woke him from his relaxed state, not enough for him to feel uneasy but enough to be fully reminded of what was happening. The sound of a small drill, best compared to the ones used at a dentist's office, echoed through his head. Thankfully, it didn't last long. 

The next thing he heard was Dr. Haywood directing a question at him, luckily he was clear enough to hear it. “Will you lift your right hand for me Eric” He did. "And now the left please" 

A couple of seconds went by without any response and the operating room suddenly became very quiet. Dr. Haywood felt his own heart starting to pound. ''Eric?" 

''Yeah?" came a tired voice. 

''Will you lift your left arm for me please?" 

"Sure” And he did, eliciting a sigh of relief from Dr. Haywood and the rest of the staff. 

''Thank you" 

''Anytime doc" Eric responded, still feeling the medicine, and felt happy seeing both Rose and Colin smile at him. 

He heard the doctor continue talking with someone and working behind him until two words that pleased him more than anything were heard; “Suture please"

…

Du-dunk...  
…

The vending machine danced from the violent shaking it was being subjected to but it still refused to   
let go of a Twix it was so spitefully holding on to. 

It was kicked on. ''Come on you piece of shit machine!" Nate screamed at it, he had stopped caring if people were looking a few minutes ago. At this point, he was too tired to be bothered. He tried shaking it again but it did little good. He looked for the sticker with the service number and was just about to call and leave an angry complaint when he felt someone touch his shoulder, causing him to whirl around in surprise. 

It was Lars. 

He should have known from the strong grip. “Jeez, you scared me” he said and wiped at his forehead with his wrist, his phone clasped in his hand. 

“Sorry” Lars said quietly, noticing the upset state his friend was in. "Want any help with that?" He nudged his head at what seemed to be Nate's enemy at the moment. 

Nate snorted “Oh thrust me, this shit-" he kicked it again, “-machine ain't gonna budge" Another kick. 

Calmly, Lars picked up a handful of change from his jeans pocket and sorted out two quarters. He turned to Nate ''Twix is it?" He got a nod in response and he added the two coins into the slot. Lars pressed on the right button, the machine made a racketing noise and pushed out the desired candy. Lars reached down for it and handed it to Nate, who looked regretful. 

"Thanks" He wasn't sure where to look so he started fidgeting with the wrapper. ''Uhm" There were held backed tears in his voice. “Eric is still in surgery I think" His look dotted around the room. “So if you're here to see him, you have to wait for a bit...” 

Lars silently looked at his friend; red eyes, hair on end, the clothes slightly askew and listened to him struggling with words. He wasn't a person who hugged very often, but if there were ever a time to do it, it was now. Especially when no words would help. He stepped up and put his arms around his smaller friend, feeling the stiff body quickly soften. “I'm sure he'll be out of surgery soon” He peered over Nate's shoulder. "Are you here alone?" Nate let go and wiped a tear away. "Didn't you call anyone?” He couldn't believe he sounded so surprised. His friends were damn stubborn at times. 

Nate shook his head ''No, no. It's an easy procedure really. Helen is with the kids and Justin need to be at school. Thom will have something new to torture him with" he smiled, retrieving memories from his, Barbara and Thom's Monday game. Wonder who had won it today. ''I'm glad you're here though" he smiled bigger. 

Lars didn't buy the bullshit smile. “You shouldn't be alone Nate" He shook his head, suddenly looking and sounding angry. "You should have called us. I only knew the biopsy was today because Justin told Andrea. I should have seen... aaah shit-" he stopped himself, rubbing the back of his neck. “Can we sit?” he asked calmer, his voice less boisterous.

Nate followed him to a bench against the wall. Having unwrapped the candy he offered one of the bars to Lars “Twix?” The situation made it sound comical and Lars gave him a chuckle. “Nah, thanks" he declined.

Nate shrugged his shoulders, scarfed one down in a nanosecond and started munching on the second one. They sat in silence, waiting for Nate to finish eating. 

“I'm sorry I haven't stopped by earlier" Lars suddenly uttered, feeling guilty. 

Nate looked quizzically at him. ''What are you talking about? We were gone the whole weekend and you only found out late Wednesday. When would you have had the time to visit?” He didn't understand where Lars was coming from. 

“Well what the hell do I know” his temper flared again and his arms punched air like a conductor navigates his orchestra through a violent crescendo. “He's one of my best friends. I should have at least tried” He sunk back in his chair again. 

Sensing there was something more behind his words, Nate cooked one brow. “So why didn't you?” Not that they would have had the time, but the answer could be interesting.

Lars scrunched his face together into a deep frown, nearly resembling a sulky teen. "Because I'm afraid I would yell at him" he muttered. "Damn stubborn man for not clearing those headaches" he folded his arms. 

Nate couldn't help it; he burst out laughing. If he was laughing out of joy or sorrow, he wasn't sure. Or if it was the release of the frustration coming from that he sometimes wanted to do the same to Eric but he was too afraid to say it out loud. Or maybe it was just a laugh to cleanse all the worrying, even if just for a minute. 

Either way, Lars looked at him as if he'd lost it. 

"Oh god” Nate wiped his eyes, blinking rapidly. ''What's wrong with me?” he let out the last bits of laughter. There wasn't anything fun about this day, even so, it felt damn good laughing. 

''I always knew you were a nutcase" Lars mumbled. 

Nate leaned his head back against the wall, looking at the ceiling and exhaling deeply. Maybe he was going insane. He slightly shook his head before turning his eyes to Lars. “Don't yell at him for being stubborn. We all are" he said, defending Eric. 

…

Du-dunk...

…

The garage door opened smoothly and Dr. Bill Haywood glided in with his silver Mercedes Benz, glad to be home. The headlights spotlighted the golf bag standing lonely on the floor in front of the car, making itself reminded everyday that he should socialize more. Truth be told, he didn't feel the need for it, confirmed by the dust on the clubs. He had his job which he loved and happily spent most of his wakening hours at.

Even though today had been a good day, something felt different and he was home an hour earlier than usual and for a change he actually felt happy about it. It wasn't often he felt that way, but today; he was glad to be home. And even more so, he was glad he'd been able to send his biopsy patient home before he had left for the day. 

It wasn't often it happened, rarely did he feel like leaving work early, but today work had drained him emotionally and he could think of no better than to relax in his big armchair with his two favorites JWs; an old John Wayne classic accompanied by a glass of Johnny Walker's Green label. The Blue label he saved for special occasions, the Black one for when he just wanted to forget. 

He locked the door to the garage behind him, throwing a last glance at the golf bag; maybe someday. Inside the house, the lights in the hallway and kitchen were lit, the rest of the rooms rested in silent darkness. There was a faint rumble coming from upstairs and he figured his daughter was hiding up in her room as she usually did. He had hoped she would have grown out of that sort of adolescent behavior, but his daughter's need to be alone still remained vast. 

He sat his briefcase down on one of the kitchen chairs and looked up at the brown kitchen clock, between it and the fridge's ice machine it were the only sounds that broke the eerie serenity. It felt strange being home an hour earlier but today he just had to leave.

Patients didn't get to him. Sure, he cared about them and what happened to them and he always gave them his everything. But they didn't get. to. him. No one had. 

Until Eric Hagen had walked into his office. 

It was difficult pinpointing, but there was something about the man that affected him. Perhaps it was the way that the only thing he seemed to care about was his children, something he could relate to. Although, where he had failed, Eric Hagen seemed to have succeeded and that piqued his interest for the man. 

He appeared to love his children unconditionally and he had someone who loved him. Quite the opposite from himself. He had even made him a promise to do everything in his power so Eric Hagen would watch his children grow up. You just didn't do that. If there was something they taught you in medical school it was that of never ever giving a patient a promise you didn't know if you could keep. And up till now he never had. 

But there was something about Eric Hagen that triggered something inside of him, as if he was in debt to the man. His mind had been circling around him ever since he'd released him a couple of hours ago. He thought going home would help but it hadn't. He didn't like it and he tried hard not to take work with him home, but today he had and he might as well use it to his benefit, after all, if there was anything Eric Hagen had taught him it was the value of family. 

Bill put down the empty whiskey glass he'd retrieved from the cupboard. Maybe today was a good day to change things. Leaving the kitchen, he went over to the staircase, nearly hitting one of the last unpacked moving boxes. With one hand on the railing he took a deep breath before he mustered up the courage to call upstairs, “Honey, I'm home” The words felt strange coming out of his mouth and he wasn't sure if he liked the taste of them yet. He went back to the kitchen, at least he'd initiated it, the ball was in her court now. 

A couple of minutes later he looked up from his newspaper, the thick Sunday issue he hadn't had the time to read yesterday, and saw his daughter standing in the door way, two glasses in her hands. “Hi dad. You're home early" she said reluctantly. 

They stared at each other for a few seconds before Bill folded his newspaper together and cleared his throat. He reached out for his full whiskey glass but when he detected the subtle eyeroll in his daughter's eyes, he regretted it. “You can't work all the time" he smiled shyly. 

The girl put the two glasses in the dishwasher. "That's right" she agreed and turned to him, ''Is this a one thing off or do you think you'll be home earlier more from now on?" Her voice was stern. When waiting for an answer, she bit her lip in anticipation, not knowing if she hoped for a 'yes' or a 'no' answer. 

He looked down at his folded hands, his both thumbs nervously tapping together. “I think it's time" he said and looked up at her. “Don't you?” 

There was a mutual pause of understanding between them. They might not be ready to talk just yet but it was a good start. 

She pressed her lips together. "I better go up again" she spoke quietly. 

Bill nodded his consent and watched her leave, but something inside didn't want her to go just yet and so he called her back, “Cassidy!”

She turned quickly. “Yeah?”

"You do know I love you right?" There, he'd said it. He just hoped that one day he could really mean it again.

She smiled. 

…

Du.....dunk.........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 15

It had already been a week since he'd set his foot in school. This time it was easier to walk through the corridor than it had been when he'd left the last time. Eric's biopsy had gone well and Nate was able to pick one heavy brick off of his chest. Eric had been sent home the same evening. Nate was surprised they sent patients home the same day but it felt good having him home, where he could take care of him. Even though Eric refused to, he intended to smother the hell out of him with a lazy afternoon in bed. His plans were to go back Friday when Eric would have made a full recovery, if he would let him stay home that long that was. Knowing his husband, he would probably go insane over him, but this time, he wouldn't care. 

Before he could do that though, he just needed to pick up some papers at work and check in with the temp. Before he head home he also needed to touch base with Barbara who had been out of her mind with worry, at least that's what his last voicemail told him.

Justin had had to be the bearer of bad news to Thom who had told Barbara. He knew he should have called them earlier, just like with Lars and Dan, but he couldn't deal. It wasn't fair they had all found out through Justin. Justin had been a rock with Emma the past week, including picking her up from school a few times, hanging out with her and staying home with her when she'd refused to pick up the horses with Helen. Nate had only seen them briefly when picking up the kids Sunday but from what he could tell, Helen had made a real find. Emma didn't exactly share his love for the animal so he was grateful for Justin who had entertained her with other things. He needed to figure out a way to thank him for his patience with her. 

The first thing on his agenda though was something far from a 'thank you'. He hadn't told anyone about his attentions; they would probably have talked him out of it. But 'it', was something he needed to do. For his, and for Eric's sake. He was just going to talk, he tried persuading himself. Nothing else. 

It was nearly lunchtime and the corridor was slowly starting to fill with students. He took long, determined steps toward the teacher's lounge, knowing exactly where his target would be. Like he always were at this time of the day. Opening the door there was a surge of anticipation running through his body and his heart nearly skipped a beat when he saw him.

Warren. 

Unknowingly sitting alone at the table, slowly carving into the meat on his plate before placing a bite of equally distributed meat, potato and boiled carrots onto his fork. The fork grinded between his teeth when he pulled it out. 

Luckily he was alone and it took Nate no more than a second from when he opened the door till when he was beside Warren, vehemently yanking the flabbergasted old man out of the chair and pounding his body hard against the wall, sending the fork flying. 

A baffled Warren stammered ''Wh-wh-what on earth are you doing?"

Nate slammed his back against the wall again. "Shut the fuck up! You'll listen to me 'cause I'm only going to say this once." Wild brown eyes were staring angrily into grey. "I don't know who you think you are, someone who sits on his high horses, judging others, considering himself superior to the rest of us.”

His attention of 'just talking' was shot to hell the minute he'd laid eyes on the man. “Now let me tell you just who you are. You're scum. That's what you are. A lowlife who can't get off his precious throne even for a second and acknowledge that someone lower than his standards might be hurting and needs his loved one there" Nate was beyond furious. He had managed to calm down during the week he'd been home but seeing Warren's smug face had ignited his wrath once more. "If you ever do that again, you'll know what pain means'' 

“You better calm down young man" Warren spat back, trying to wiggle himself out of Nate's grip, without much success. 

''Calm down!? I won't calm down until I hear a fucking apology come out of your sorry mouth. And while you're at it, one in writing too that I can take home”. Even though Eric was unaware that he needed one he could damn well write him one.

“Apologize? What on earth for?" Warren's mouth opened and closed, looking like a stupid fish on dry land, as he spoke.

"Oh please. Don't dare try and act as if you don't know what I'm talking about." Nate continued in a calm, menacing voice. He tilted his head and kept staring at him, as if he was trying to see through the man. ''You know, at first I wondered why no one tried contacting me more than they did when Eric was in the hospital. Then Justin told me how he'd called here, finally reaching someone in the teacher's lounge. An older man he said." 

Nate paused and watched Warren's eyes looking intensely at him as he spoke. “Justin said he'd asked him to find me, let me know that the love of my life had fucking collapsed" his voice faltered some but he carried on, “Only, I never got that message, did I? Although I was only a few meters away, teaching a class while my husband was alone in some hospital bed."

Warren pursed his lips, looking disgusted. ''I left a note on your door" he said stern without remorse or regret.

Nate briefly closed his eyes and fought hard with pushing the anger down before he would strangle the man right then and there. Barbara had informed him of the, now infamous, post-it stuck to his door as she had found it. It had left him completely gobsmacked. 

"Yes" Nate clenched his jaw, struggling with words "You. left. a. note." A deep breath to compose himself. “Just in what sick, twisted universe is it ok to leave a post-it on one's door when what you are suppose to do is everything you can to find that person who's being looked for and tell them face to face just what's going on. You lousy fuck" Nate pushed him against the wall once more. 

"I don't really see the point of all this" Warren said, cocking his nose.

“No you wouldn't, would you" Nate slowly shook his head, all of the anger's energy drained from him. He hated himself for it; but he let Warren see a tear escape his eye.

The older man smirked. “Save your sissy tears for someone else will you"

Nate snorted a bitter laugh and let the comment slide rather than giving him more fuel to the fire. He started off quietly, “You wouldn't get it because you haven't the faintest idea on what friendship or love stands for. It means caring about each other, being there for one another. Holding a hand when one is too sick to even breathe, stroking a back in comfort because your loved one is puking their guts out" Horrible scenarios of what might be in his future kept rolling up in front of him and he couldn't hold back tears. “Eric could have died and you would have let me found out on a god damn post-it that he was in the hospital, perhaps when it had been too late already. How can you even look in the mirror and justify yourself?

''I thought I told you to save your tears" Warren interjected, he wasn't going to stand someone like Nate talking in such way to him.

“Well that's what we faggots do, ain't it Warren? We cry like the sissys we are. Isn't that right!?" Nate yelled and to his own surprise his one hand was suddenly around Warren's neck, his arm hard as steel and pushing him against the wall. “You wanna know what else we do?! We love each other. Something you wouldn't know the half of 'cause I doubt you even know what it means, or that you have even managed to love anyone in your pathetic, lonely, little life" He was screaming right up in his face.

Then, Warren fought back, using all of the strength that was left in his old body and he somehow managed to push Nate off of him. ''You're a damn deviant who puts on a sick and wrong so called love for the whole world to see. Don't lecture me about love when you don't even know what it is. You don't deserve love and I hope that husband of yours gets what's coming to him. The rest of you will get what you deserve later, may both you and your bastards rotten in hell!" 

Warren's eyes were like flames burning Nate's body and for a second it paralyzed him. Shocked and trembling, he spoke, “I'm glad your wife is dead so she wouldn't have to endure one single more day with you” he said through gritted teeth.

Before he knew what was happening, Warren had spitted him in the face and there was this horrible pause, all gauntlets were thrown, when they both tried anticipating each other's next move.

Luckily, it never came as a new voice broke the silence. ''What the hell is going on?" 

It was Barbara, standing in the doorway with an expression of utter disbelief upon her face. She had managed to walk in just in time to see the gob fly through the air and land on Nate's face which he was now wiping away as he slowly turned to her, reluctant to turn his back to Warren. 

“Nothing. I was just leaving" He turned back to Warren, “You're dead" he stated quietly and left the room, brushing past Barbara who still looked like a gaping question mark. 

Nate was shaking as he hurried down the corridor, he couldn't believe what Warren had said, wishing his family dead. He wanted to run out of there but it didn't take long before he heard Barbara behind him. ''Hey slow down, you just don't walk away like that!" she shouted behind him. "Oh for Pete's sake, will you slow down, these legs don't belong to a sprinter ya know!”

He halted, fists clenched and body tense. He let her catch up with him before he started walking again. Luckily, his office was just around the corner and he nearly hit her with the door before slamming it shut behind them. He wiped his face off once more with the end of his sleeve, he was going to need a good scrub when he got home, and slumped down in one of the visitor's chairs.

''I've never seen anyone be spit on before" Barbara mumbled and took the chair next to him.

Nate shot her an angry glare. ''Glad I can amuse you"

“Oh get off it will you. Just tell me what the fuck happened and make it quick please, I don't have my cigs"

“I could use one too right now...or a drink" he added quietly. The moment it had left his mouth he regretted it. He leaned forward, letting his hands cover his face, mumbling into them before he took a deep breath and sat up straight. "Warren's an asshole. A cold, selfish, son of a bitch”

"Well... yeah. Nothing new there" She saw where this was heading. “The note?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

Nate slowly nodded his head. “Yeah" 

“Shit" She reached for a pen on the desk and started to fidget with it.

Nate stroked his chin with his thumb and index finger, shaking his head. "Don't think I made my point" he said with an agitated laugh. Nate pursed his lips. "He actually wished my family dead" he continued slowly. The hurt and anger were evident across his face.

"He said that?” Barbara stopped fidgeting with the pen and took a firm hold around it with the index finger and long finger.

“Pretty much. If Eric hadn't been sick then I could have dealt with it better I guess. I hope. But I told him I was happy his wife was dead"

Barbara listened with ogling eyes. "Damn" she brought the pen to her lips, trying to smoke the blue ink. Discovering her mistake, she irritatedly threw the pen on the desk. “Oh hell”

“Yeah you can say that again" he sighed. After a moment of deep thoughts, he spoke, ''You know what, I'm not going to think about him. I won't waste my time on him"

“Good for you hon. That's the spirit” she tried sounding encouraging.

Barbara tapped her red nails on the chair's arm while Nate desperately tried shaking away suffocating emotions planted by Warren. His knee bobbed swiftly. 

''How's Eric?" "Tell me about you" They said at the same time, laughing a bit at their own timing. 

"You first" Barbara insisted firmly.

Nate shrugged his shoulders “I don't know, not much to say. The biopsy went well, so now we wait" He shook his head. "You know, I don't wanna talk about this right now. Do you mind? Just tell me something you've been up to instead. Hey, who won yesterday's game?" He desperately tried changing the subject. 

"Way to put me in the spotlight over your patient." She glanced at Nate's sad eyes and continued, "But I guess you can't help it, I AM a star!" She exclaimed, waving her arms.

Nate emitted a short laughter of relief, “Thank you. I needed that" He smiled at her with gratitude.

You didn't need to give her much fuel for her to keep going. “An the audacity you have to even question who won the game. I did of course! As if Thom can even stand a chance when I take the class and sneak into the jocks' locker room. I don't get why on earth they were complaining, I just wanted them to be able to draw croquis faster, and boy did they when we got discovered." she laughed. “Best part is they all got called in to Jo-Ann for a scolding. I of course were already long gone when they were discovered."

Nate was laughing hard by now and even a few good tears sneaked their way out of the corner of his eyes. “God, you're awful"

''Well that's not the worst I've been up to while you've been away.” She gave him a serious look, with a glint of cheekiness behind it. “I've sold out. I slept with Thom a few times more" Nate's face lit up but she continued before he could say anything, “And dear God, dare I say it, I think we might be doing something that can only be referred to as-" she swallowed, “dating”

Nate laughed at her way of expressing herself “Don't tell me that Barbara Brown has finally gone over to the dark side"

“Oh don't you worry honey, it's only temporary. I also told Thom that"

“Yeah you keep telling yourself that. You got it bad and I know it" Nate teased laughing.

"Nevah!'' She glanced up at Nate's clock on the wall. “Oh shoot is that the time? I'm meeting Thom for lunch" she panicked and stood up on which Nate burst out laughing.

"See, I told you!"

"Oh hush you. This body stops for no one!" She snapped her fingers in the air. 

Nate muffled a laugh when he suddenly felt a kiss on his cheek, coming from behind. Barbara held him tight. "Eric will be fine sweetie. I can feel it in my pinky." she spoke seriously. "But it was good hearing you laugh, don't forget to do that" 

She kissed his cheek again, ruffled his hair affectionately as to a son she'd never had and with that she hurried out the door. Left was Nate, all to his lonesome and with deep emotions welling out of his eyes, crying for everything and nothing. For beauty of friendships and love, for assholes who pestered the world, for his children, for cancer, for the leaves that were so beautifully letting go of the tree outside his window. For Justin and Helen and Jen, for his first car, for his book, for a lost friend, and for Eric. For Eric.

...

A few minutes later there was a light knock at his door and Nate quickly wiped at his eyes and nose. “Yeah?" he called, voice slightly unsteady, but made no attempt to get up. 

The door opened behind him. “Mr. H?"

If possible, Nate's spirit dropped even further. He turned. “Cassidy”

She was already eagerly approaching him but stopped once she saw his moist eyes. ''Oh" Carefully, she took another step forward. “Is this a bad time?”

He smiled strainedly at her. It was true that accidents never came alone. He might as well face them all at once. “It's ok” he sighed. 

“I can come back if you'd like. I saw you were back you see-" She sat down in the chair next to him. “and I thought we might talk, you seemed a little stressed the last time we did that" She smiled gently but inside she bit her tongue from commenting on it further.

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that” he said, chewing on his thumbnail and staring into empty space.

''Are you sure you're ok Mr. H? Did something happen?" She spoke softly and slowly, both her hands resting in her lap, having the appearance of a well mannered Barbie doll. 

Even though it was nearly impossible to detect; Nate shook his head. “Just a little disagreement with another faculty member" He paused and looked at her. “But I shouldn't put that on you. You're here to talk about the mentor idea you had, aren't you?"

Her face lit up. “Well yes” she said eagerly. “If you don't mind”

Nate held up a hand to stop her. "I don't mind, but the truth is I can't help you right now"

Her face dropped a little but Nate had no chance to see it before she steeled herself with an unwavering mask.

“A lot of things are going on that's going to need my attention so I simply don't have the time right now.”

“I understand" she said, not letting one ounce of disappointment slip into her voice.

“That doesn't mean I don't think you're a brilliant student and if you want a mentor you should have one. In fact" he leaned forward and reached for a pen and paper, ironically a post-it, ''I think I know someone who would be great for you. His name is Garet, I'll just write his number down for you. Give him a call and tell him I sent you" He handed Cassidy the note.

“Thank you Mr. H. I'll do that "she smiled brightly. “Well-"she said, gathering her bag, “I won't disturb you any longer" She stood. "I guess I'll see you in class"

“Absolutely" She was about to turn, when he stopped her. “Uhm, this-" he said and pointed to his eyes which weren't so red anymore, “I'd appreciate if you kept quiet about it"

She tilted her head, looking sympathetically at him, "Sure thing Mr. H"

“Thank you" Nate watched as her ponytail danced out the door, maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

Outside, Cassidy almost rushed into Warren as soon as she'd closed the door behind her.

"You again" he muttered. ''Have you nothing better to do than run around the corridors?" he asked, recalling their encounter last week. When she ignored him he noticed where she'd come from and he pursed his lips out of disgust. No one threatened Warren Bishop. 

Cassidy hurried away from the grumpy man, feeling her smile quickly fading as she'd left Mr. H's office. All she felt was the familiar spade, digging once more into her heart. She stopped at a trashcan. There, she scrunched together the little note in her hand and let it fall down amongst the rest of the litter where it belonged. She never settled for second best.

...

Later that evening, after a long, exhausting day, Nate was home where he'd wanted to be all along. With Eric. He'd done his best of processing the day and not to let its events get to him as he was afraid he would accidentally slip up and Eric would know more than he had to. So far he was doing fine, and he was determined to continue that way.

As he lightly let his palm pat Eric's head, Nate made a decision. His husband's new hairdo wasn't so much of a frightening reminder of what was happening as it was a game of tickling perseverance. Every time he brought his hand close, the short hair teased his hand's nerves. He would just focus on that and ignore the bandage of the back of his head.

''You know, if you do that one more time I might actually consider a wig" The voice was muffled by Nate's chest. 

Nate stopped his game. "I thought you were sleeping" 

Eric lifted his head off of Nate's chest who sat behind him, leaned against the head board, a position Nate had insisted on ever since he'd crept into bed with him five hours ago. He raised a brow. “Sleep during a Bergman movie? You're insulting me. You shouldn't be allowed to watch it” he muttered jokingly and got comfortable on Nate's chest again, careful not to lean on his stitches. It felt good laying like this, just simply being. 

"I'm not" Nate laughed and sought out Eric's fingers now that he hadn't his hair to play with. They felt cold to his and he squeezed Eric's hand tight in his. 

Eric chuckled softly “I should have known"

"In fact, I should hit Lars for bringing it over in the first place" Nate's laugh made Eric's head bob adorably on the top of his chest.

Reaching for the remote, Eric paused the film, just as the characters took their first steps around the Christmas tree. He lay still for a while watching the frozen image. Clutching the hand of Nate's which was playing with his fingers, he mused ''Do you think Christmas will be good this year?” It sounded sad to his own ears. “Even if Carrie doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore" he added with a smile, recalling how she had pulled the beard off of Lars last year. 

Nate's heart tightened. ''Christmas is a long time away, why would you worry about that for?”

"It's not that long” Eric said quietly. "And you know why I worry.” Since he'd gotten home from the biopsy yesterday evening things had felt both better and worse. At least the ball was rolling, but he had no idea where to and that uncertainty was driving him crazy. Being alone for several of hours didn't help him in trying to think of other things either. 

"Yeah, well..." Nate pulled the covers a little tighter around them. "One day at a time ey” He bent his head forward, stretching the neck muscles to their limit, and kissed Eric on the top of his head. It wasn't a right moment to add a 'it'll be fine'. 

“Guess you're right" It had been unnecessary to bring up such worries. No one needed to hear them. He could hear Nate's heart beat a little faster underneath his ear, his own following when he gazed up at the TV again.

''You know what?" Nate spoke suddenly, with a hint of determination and eager to his voice, ''I think we should plant a tree outside our window. I think it will be beautiful. Just think, we can watch it grow, see the leaves change their color over and over again"

Eric turned his head and looked outside. It was pitch black but somehow, he had no problem envisioning the colors that could be. "I think I would like that" he whispered.

Nate stirred slightly, the cramp in his leg finally getting the better of him. Eric took the hint and moved to his side of the bed, creeping in close to Nate, one arm never leaving his waist. They lay watching each other like they did sometimes, letting their eyes wander over the other's features and savor them. It was an act of reassurance to make sure the other one was ok. Even if their eyes didn't read that they were 'ok', they found that they would be. They locked hands and sealed the unspoken promise with a sweet peck.

“Love you"

“Love you too".

“Daaad” came a small voice from the door. They turned and to their surprise it wasn't Carrie, but Anthony standing in the doorway. 

“What is it buddy?'' Eric wondered concerned; Anthony hadn't been in their room in the middle of the night for years.

Anthony remained standing at the door. A little reluctant he twisted the doorknob while shrugging his shoulders. “I don't know"

“Come here and see if you can remember then" Nate motioned for the bed and after some visual consideration playing across Anthony's face, he crawled in between them. Some coaxing from both their sides were required before he confessed that he'd had a nightmare. One that wasn't too far apart from the one Eric had experienced a few nights back. Anthony and he had been out among a lot of people when Eric had suddenly let go of his hand. Just like Eric's dream, he had gotten lost within the crowd.

There was suddenly another sound from the doorway. There stood Carrie, both hands on her hips and with a scrunched up face. From her right hand dangled 'Theodor the teddy bear', a friend she only claimed as hers by night. 

"What are you doing?” she asked a little sulky ''You can't have hug parties without me" she humphed.

'Hug parties' was something they had created early in the beginning of the new Hagen family. It meant that the whole family was snuggled up in the big bed, often watching a movie. 

Nate and Eric laughed at her. "Come here sweetie"

It didn't take long before she squeezed into the middle, close, close to Eric.

“Be careful Carrie" Nate warned gently.

She ignored him and turned to Eric. ''Are you hurting daddy?" she asked and put her hand on his cheek.

“Just a little. But it's all better when you are all here" he said and poked her in the stomach, eliciting a laugh which was medicine to his ears. He did the same to Anthony and the boy actually returned the gesture with a coy chuckle. “Daaad..."

“See, nothing to worry about. I won't let go of you" He reached his arm over the two small bodies.

“What about me!?" Carrie giggled.

“I'm never letting go of you either" he tickled her a little and she laughed higher.

Had it not been for Nate holding her back she would have probably been all over Eric, tickling back. "Come on now guys, time to get back to sleep"

“Can we stay here?" Carrie wasted no time with the question and Nate was met with three pairs of pleading eyes and instantly knew he'd lost. 

He sighed, ''Fine, but you're sleeping on this side" he patted the bed on his right side, not wanting them to accidentally kick Eric in their sleep. They both crawled over his body, knees and sharp elbows pressing into his stomach and thighs.

Carrie peered up behind Nate's body. “Daddy, you can borrow Theodor if you'd like” She handed over the scruffy little bear.

''Thanks sweetie" Eric smiled and took the bear. 

Nate turned off the TV, kissed the kids' foreheads, then turned to Eric and gave him a kiss on the lips.  
He turned off the light and laid down, facing Eric, hands once again laced together. “Goodnight guys" Pressed to his back was the steady rhythm of his daughter's breath, soon lulling them all to sleep.

Left outside the room stood Emma all alone looking in. She had woken from her sister's laugh and decided to see what it was all about. Now she regretted it.  
Ch 16

"Nate, stop it. I mean it. One more phone call and I'm turning my cell off" Eric's voice was more serious than he'd liked it to be. Nate sighed at the other end of the line and threw back a cold french fry on the greasy hamburger wrap, the last left from a late lunch. Between catching up with things at work and constantly checking up on Eric, he'd managed to finish half of his meal before it had turned cold.   
To his defeat, he knew Eric was right; he really should stop calling. He just couldn't help himself. It was the first day they were both back at work and even if it had been four days since the biopsy, he worried. A lot. 

He'd called Lars and sort of semi-begged that he would make sure Eric didn't overdo it. If there was something he was certain of it was his husband's stubbornness to persistently ignore pain and keep going on as usual. He also knew he needed to let go of his mother hen approach he'd been maintaining for the past days at home, much to Eric's annoyance. Therefore, he held his tongue, leaving out a protest. "You're sure you're alright, right?” He just needed to hear it again. It calmed him. 

“Yes!" The eyeroll was even evident through the phone. 

Nate had to smile at Eric's voice which by each inquiring phone call more and more started to resemble a sulky teen. It was sweet and endearing and it annoyed the hell out of Nate as well. It was a state he had always imagined his husband had never really been allowed to be in because of his father. He quickly shook the thoughts away. "Ok, ok, I won't call you anymore"

''No, you'll probably call Lars" Eric teasingly muttered over the phone. 

Nate couldn't help a smile from slipping from his lips. “Hey, there's nothing wrong about fussing over my man". Nate wiped his salty fingers off. 

“Yeah, yeah, Don't you have classes to teach or something?" 

Nate glanced up at the clock on the wall. “Nope, I'm done for today, but I'll be kind and let you go”

“Thank you, you're too kind. Party prep when we get home?" There was some excitement to his voice. His belated birthday party was tomorrow and during the week he had finally gotten Nate a bit excited for it as well, and not just Carrie. 

“You bet” Nate tried sounding jolly before he sighed a little. “Ok, I swear not to call more today. But Eric, you'll promise to call if you hear anything right?”

“Nate, I already told you. Yes. But you know what the doc said, the results could take up to a week.” His husband's voice was soft as it always was when he explained something. It was a comforting tone. 

Nate pinched the bridge of his nose, making small circling motions. “I know, I know. Alright, I love you”

“Love you back”

Nate smiled at the words as he put the phone back in the receiver. Funny that. How certain words could be so insignificant to some people and mean the world to others. How some had such a hard time saying them. He was one of the lucky ones. An idea to incorporate it in his book somehow suddenly jumped in to his head and he felt his fingers itch from the lack of writing. He was just about to open the document of his book when he glanced at the pile of papers to his right and thought the better of it. He had a lot of catching up to do. Deciding he was definitely done with lunch, he tossed the remains in the bin, cleared the desk, cracked his knuckles and got ready for work. The book's characters vexatiously teasing him.  
…

'Queen' blasted from the car's speakers, causing a few chilled heads to turn from people bustling along the streets. Fingers enthusiastically drummed the wheel to the music and the driver was singing along, horribly off key. Loudly. Not that she cared. It would never even cross her mind to care of what anyone thought of her. It never had.

Today she was singing a bit louder than usual, or screaming more like it. She was excited to be back. And anxious. She hadn't been home since...since Justin. Thinking she could ever settle down was stupid. Not even her punk rocker/surfer dude ex boyfriend had convinced her of that. So she'd run. Like she always did. Hiding behind her camera. 

Driving down the streets of old familiar Langston which didn't seem to change much in between the few times she was home, she kept trying to figure out what was so special about it. She could have just skirted the town all together by staying on Cherry Hill Highway but she had wanted to see if anything had changed. She noticed a few shy Halloween decorations in the windows from the households she knew always put them up early, surely the huge ones would be on display shortly. 

The people in the town seemed to love that about the place, that it never changed; it was comfy and it was safe. It were the exact same reasons why she had left. To her, the town felt like, she imagined, as being uncomfortable in your own skin, born in the wrong body. It didn't suit her, the size was too little, the sleeves not long enough. But even if it didn't fit, she never mind trying it on once in a while just for fun. It was usually always warm and cozy, mainly because of the people she put it on for. Her family.

She couldn't believe it had been so long since they'd seen each other, the kids must be so big. Oh god the kids, would she even recognize them? Would they recognize her? She knew Emma would, but what about the others? She couldn't wait to see her siblings again, hearing their banter and endless teasing. But the one she longed for the most was her brother in law which she had spoken hastily with two weeks ago. It had been so good hearing Eric's voice, even if it had been on a bad connection. She had already planned what movies to watch with him, 'Bridge on the River Kwai' being one of them and showing him the pictures she'd taken, knowing he would appreciate them the most. Some of them he might have already seen published. Apart from that call she hadn't been able to contact anyone before her arrival and that's why she was driving herself in a rental, aiming to surprise them all. 

She steered the car out of town, heading towards the place she once called 'home'. She passed a sign of a go-cart track that definitely hadn't been there before. She needed to try it out, it was new after all. 

Turning left onto a graveled road she saw a big oak tree standing tall in the corner of the crossroad and couldn't prevent a grin from spreading across her face. She'd played with her siblings there more times than she could remember, mostly pestering cars or dangling upside down from the low branches, causing the bark to fly in swirls around them. 

Even if the air was too cold for her liking, albeit brisk, she couldn't prevent herself from rolling down the window and take a deep breath of the familiar smells. It was fascinating what a memory trigger the sense of smell could really be. The smell of wet leaves cloaking the ditches, a hint of overgrown apples, the pine trees' frosty needles and fresh hay spread out somewhere in the darkness all teased her sensitive nose. 

As she turned the car deeper into the farmland, she thought about stopping and taking a picture of the mist laying as a low, thin veil above the plowed fields but it was getting too dark already. She had to give some credit to the town and its surroundings; it still remained an untouched beauty. 

Two unfamiliar horses got caught in her headlights and started trotting alongside the car, both manes swaying. They escorted her all the way up to the estate which she slowly turned in to, parked the car outside the barn and got out to stretch her numbed limbs. After a fifteen hours flight followed by a three hours car ride it was necessary. Lights were shining in the house but it showed no sign of any movement. Looking around, most things seemed the same, except for the two horses who were staring curiously at her. The paint on the barn house would need a new coating in a couple of years; her father had taught her all about building maintenance when she had been a kid. 

She shoved her hands in the pockets of her jacket that was really too thin for the season and shuddered some at the memory. There was no point in staying at one place for too long, it would only give you too many memories. Sometimes, the ones she found here, became a bit overwhelming. It was a bittersweet feeling, luckily the 'sweet' side tended to win much more often. Being home this time would be fine, she thought, a smooth sailing to what she was used to.

Carefully she approached the horses who waited patiently behind their fence for a little attention. 

“Hey guys” she spoke softly, not wanting to scare them. “We haven't met before but I'm glad to see you here” The slightly bigger horse snorted a bit at her words and she chuckled. “Yeah, that's a bit how I feel right now” She shook herself to keep warm, knowing she should probably head inside but she just wanted to enjoy the silent for a little while. 

Then, she heard a loud voice behind her. ''Oh my GOD! Jen! I can't believe you're here!" 

She turned, a lopsided grin on her face, and saw her older sister rushing towards her with open arms. The warm, familiar, unfitting sweater was definitely on. It was good to be home. 

She hoped. 

…

Nate laughed inwardly at himself for once again getting himself into a situation like this. What else could he do? It was recurring absurdly often lately. The unwanted visitors and encounters, that was. Couldn't they just leave him alone? From now on, he should just keep his door locked at all times and pretend he was never in his office. At least his visitor wasn't Warren who he so skilfully had avoided all day, even though Barbara had threatened him to drag him down to the teachers' lounge herself if he wouldn't show his face there. He'd tried smooth talking her but it didn't really bite. Until the storm had blown over he would just continue to hide out in his room. Not that he wanted to be considered a coward, it was just that he wasn't sure what he was capable of doing if he saw Warren again. And he wasn't willing to take that chance. He was actually a bit surprised that he hadn't heard anything from Ms. Keith about their Tuesday encounter, he'd been positive Warren would have spilled the beans to her by now. As long as he kept his mouth shut, Nate would just keep on avoiding him. 

Someone who was harder to avoid, since she always seemed to find him, was Cassidy. Who right now sat opposite of him, receiving his attention. He'd been listening to her talk for half an hour now and to his own surprise, he wasn't regretting letting her in. Not as much as he had when he'd opened the door and seen who it was that was knocking. She'd been standing with a box of mini cupcakes in all kind of colors, looking sweet and explaining that she just wanted to cheer him up because he had looked so sad the last time they'd talked. 

It would have been rude to have turned her away.

So here he was, munching on his second cupcake and having a rather pleasant talk with a student. Not just any student, but the persistent Cassidy Haywood. Strange things do happen, he thought. Thankfully she hadn't mentioned anything about the tutor thing. He still felt a bit bad for not being able to help her. 

“No, I'm telling you! I actually thought it would bite my hand off!" Cassidy laughed at the end of a rather humorous story that involved a terrier, a rat and a big wooden stick. “I'm glad I got away!” Her white teeth sparkled along with her shining eyes. There was something about her that looked more relaxed today than it usually did. Perhaps it was her hair that'd been relieved of its braid or the shorter sleeved shirt she was wearing. Whatever it was, it made Nate feel more comfortable around her. 

He shook his head of the absurdness of it all. “I don't know if Carrie, my youngest." he added to clarify things “should have a dog after that story” He licked his lips, cleaning up eventual crumbs. 

“Aw, is she a dog lover?"

“More like an animal lover, she's been nagging us about a dog for ages" And she had made a damn fine job of it too, he and Eric had actually discussed about getting her a Golden Retriever for Christmas. It could be a nice addition to the family. 

Cassidy didn't move a muscle from the 'us' part even though it piqued her curiosity. Her first thought of Nate as a single father had been dismissed when she'd eventually discovered the wedding band. She still didn't know who the other half of 'us' was, neither had she dared asking anyone of her pears in fear of looking too eager. ''That's sweet." she answered compassionately. “I actually did the same to my parents when I was little" she smiled.

“Oh yeah? Did they cave?" Nate asked and grabbed another mini cupcake. He really shouldn't, but they were too tasty to ignore. He motioned for Cassidy who'd only had one but she declined with a wave of the hand. 

That's when he noticed the sudden glassy look her eyes had taken. He slowly put down the cupcake and chewed slowly on the bite he had so greedily scarfed. 

There came a faint, sad smile from her lips. “Well, actually-"she paused and got up from the chair and moved over to the massive bookshelf. Letting her fingers play over the bookends, she continued, "some things happened so it wasn't much of a point to continue that mission" she laughed quickly, even though the sadness in her eyes was obvious. 

Nate shrugged off his jacket, suddenly feeling warm, and stared intently at his student. He'd never seen her like this and he wasn't really sure how to respond. Maybe he would cross the line with his next question ''Is it something you want to share?"

Cassidy shrugged her shoulders, eyes still focused on the books and pulled one out, trying to hide her gloom. "You know, I've always wanted to read this” she said, holding up a copy of 'The Dice Man'. “Can't believe I haven't gotten around to it yet” 

“You can borrow it if you like” The words were out of his mouth before he had time to think about them. 

“Thanks” she smiled, almost back to her normal perkiness and pressed the book close to her body as a little treasure. Silence grew between them again as she continued looking over his vast collection of books. Every now and then she threw him a little glance accompanied with a smile. 

Nate studied her as she did and got the distinct feeling that it was something she wasn't telling him. Perhaps she wasn't willing to talk about it but he knew what holding stuff in could do to you. He finished his cupcake before embarking on a lake of fragile ice. He couldn't just brush the conversation away. 

Rising from his chair too quickly, the whole room spun and he had to grab his desk to steady himself. He focused his eyes on Cassidy who glanced his way.

“Are you ok?" she asked. 

Nate held his head. "Yeah, yeah. I just got a bit...lightheaded, that's all” he said and licked his lips. He felt a bit stupid, and regained seriousness by adding a hand on her shoulder. "Are you sure you're ok? Very often it helps talking to someone. Believe me, I know" he said, surprised that he'd mouthed the words so easily without any reservations. He swept his hand over his forehead and tasted his mouth. Those damn cupcakes had made his mouth all dry and given him a sugar rush which caused his body to flush. Luckily, Cassidy didn't seem to notice.

She hesitated a little. “I've never really talked to anyone about it"

“Just take your time. I'll listen. I promise.”

“Well, I-" she started but immediately stopped herself, looking at the door. “Would you mind if we locked the door, I wouldn't want anyone to burst in" 

"Of course not" Nate answered and motioned for the door before he turned back to his seat. He heard the familiar 'click' behind him and despite a sincere situation he laughed amusedly to himself. Being locked in his office with Cassidy of all people, who knew? He sat down in his chair again, glad he didn't have to stand anymore. He looked at Cassidy walking back to the desk, something about her seemed blurry. He blinked with his eyes twice and shook his head, trying to shake his vision clear, but it did little good. This was getting ridiculous. 

Cassidy sat down opposite from Nate. She noticed her professor's forehead breaking out into a sweat but kept herself from commenting about it. Instead, she made a slow shrug of the shoulders “I'm not sure where to start" she admitted shyly. 

''Well, from the top is always a nice place" Nate tried smiling encouragingly but got caught in a cough. “I'm sorry" he apologized and got an understanding smile in return. Was she looking happier already? His head was feeling heavy all of a sudden and there was still something about his eyes. It almost felt as if they were closing on him. The air felt so dry and his mouth so parched. 

“Are you sure you're ok Mr. H?”

Nate pulled at his collar. “I'm fine, don't worry about me. Just keep going” he insisted. 

Cassidy kept on beaming as she got up from her chair and swept a bunch of paper out of her way before she took a seat on top of the desk. 

Nate stared puzzled at her and the papers falling down to the floor. “What are you doing?” he asked quietly. 

“I thought you would let me talk” Cassidy interrupted. “From the top, wasn't it?”

Nate managed nothing but a nod in response, his body feeling heavy, his tongue swollen and lips glued shut. 

She crossed her legs and leaned forward, towards him. In a low, nearly whispering tone she continued, “Well, I guess it all started when I killed my mother."

“Wh..wha...” he tried saying but was unable to form words. 

His head was definitely spinning now, was he hearing things? Surely he must have misunderstood her. He was just so tired, his whole body felt as it was weigh down by a ton of bricks and a couple of anvils on each shoulder. It was impossible to move. He hadn't been coming down with something had he? He tried focusing on her and what she was saying but both vision and sound came through blurry. What the hell was going on? Why wasn't his body responding when he tried to move? He thought he felt pearls of sweat break forward but wasn't entirely sure until he heard Cassidy say something like ''warm" and "clothes". Were her hands on him? His shirt was being unbuttoned and a cold hand was touching him over his face, his chest, stomach, all the way down to his belt. 

“I'm gonna make you feel so good” she whispered into his ear. 

Surely he was dreaming now, this wasn't happening. His belt was being loosened. He tried to move but she was all over him, pushing down his body, forcing him to stay in his seat. He could feel his heart speeding, echoing loudly in his head, blending with giggles from her. This wasn't right. He wasn't suppose to be here. He needed to get out of there. Eric. He needed to get home to Eric.

“Stop it" he managed to slur.

“Don't worry. It will be over before you know it." 

''No, no" Nate mumbled, shaking his head repeatedly. 

"Trust me" Cassidy whispered and leaned forward, aiming for a kiss.

''No!" Nate managed to get enough control over his arms to push the thin body off of him. A surprised Cassidy flew backwards, hitting her head on the end of the bookshelf and tumbled to the floor like a boneless heap.

His head wasn't following what was happening and Nate stared at the body on the floor for a couple of seconds before he realized he had to get out of there. Just like a newborn fowl he struggled to get his legs to obey him. The whole room was spinning as he moved towards the door which for every step he took seemed further and further away. He finally crashed into it and turned the knob. Nothing happened. 

Luckily, he recalled Cassidy locking it earlier and he struggled a bit to get it opened and when he did, he ran out into the corridor, not caring what he looked like with his shirt opened. He thought someone was calling his name but he was too much in a hurry to care. He just had to get the hell out of there.

…

Justin had kept true to his word when he said he would be watching Cassidy. When he wasn't in class, he'd been watching her every chance he got. Sometimes, even following her around with his car. He was determined to find out the truth about her relationship with James, sooner or later something would turn up. He'd discussed it with Andrea who knew nothing about a Cassidy in James' presence, despite some amateur digging at LNTV before the documentary. 

So far, nothing interesting had happened around her. She seemed to be spending most breaks in the library which made Justin's stalking mission easy. 

Up till now. 

It had been forty minutes since she'd gone into Nate's office and he was from a safe distance waiting for the door to open again. No doubt, would he be questioning Nate about their meeting later on. 

“I know you're watching me" he said out loud, seemingly not to anyone in particular.

There was a faint noise coming from behind and he turned. ''You really should be practicing your stalker skills you know"

“Well so should you" responded Elisa bravely, whose presence Justin had felt for the past twenty minutes, ''Cassidy knows you've been watching her"

He tilted his head. “Well, good"

“Oh" Elisa appeared thrown by the statement. 

“Didn't expect that, did you?"

The shy girl kept quiet, looking away.

“I want her to know that I'm here, that I won't go away. Not until she slips up. And I know she will" he smiled confidentially and turned to watch the door again.

Elisa blocked his view and with her best efforts she tried coming off as confident by craning her neck. She succeeded with neither. ''How can you be so sure?”

Justin folded his arms. "People like that always slip up sooner or later, I know that much'' He was looking past her but as a thought struck him, he met her eyes, ''What I don't get is why you would be friends with her." His tone was a lot softer. It was something he'd been pondering. “You seem like a nice girl Elisa, why are you friends with Cassidy? You do realize she's up to no good right?”

Still blushing from Justin's compliment, not something she was used of hearing, she tried coming up with an answer. To actually tell the truth: that Cassidy was the only one who took the day of time and actually talked to her, which was more than she could say of some people, well, that would only make her come across as a bigger dork than she already was.

So, she lied. 

''I think she's nice. We get along." There was a slight stutter to her speech.

Justin had one brow raised in distrust. “U-hu." There was no doubt she was lying, but rather than pushing fragile, little Elisa Rourke, he let it slide, She was a lamb thrown in to the big bad wolf without even knowing it. ''Well, just be careful, ok?" 

Their eyes met in a silent agreement. That's when a door was slammed shut, making them both jump high, and Justin could see Nate's back hurry away, his shirt flapping.

“Nate!" Pushing Elisa aside, he started chasing after him but stopped when he reached Nate's door, an eerie chill rushing up his neck. 

Cassidy hadn't left the room. 

With Elisa catching up next to him he reached out to open the door, not sure of what he might find. The door creaked slightly before revealing the mystery of what was behind it. On the floor lay Cassidy's body, a slight sinuous stream of blood making its way out from under her head.

Paralyzed, they both stood staring at her. Justin's eyes darted from the body to where Nate had disappeared and back to the body again. ''Shit" he said under his breath. 

“Is she dead?" Elisa whispered with a gulp, voicing both their concerns.

Before Justin could answer, a resolute voice growled behind them. ''What on earth is going on here?” 

…

Dr. Haywood threw his white robe on one of the visitors' chairs, causing some papers on his desk to flutter down on the floor by the draft, before he plunged himself to his chair with a deep sigh. He could use a whiskey right about now. Not that he would ever drink at work. 

It was just one of those days. 

He had just gotten back from a 'call of death' surgery. The tumor had been big, cancer spread and the body too weak for a fight. It wasn't often he lost someone on the table, but it did happen. This time it had been a 63 year old woman whose husband and grown children he just had told that she wouldn't be coming home this time. At least she'd gotten to see a lot from life which was more than he could say regarding some of his patients.

Dr. Haywood rolled his thumbs behind his head and looked out the window. The light was walking that thin line between day and evening. Across the street from the hospital people were starting to fill the pavement, all trying to get home early before the weekend. Even though he knew he'd made some sort of agreement with his daughter to be home more, Bill was in no hurry. Fridays was a day he tried staying extra long at work. To him, the weekends seemed endless and often he tried filling them with extra shifts where he could catch up on paperwork that came with the job or study up on new methods and techniques within his profession. Or sometimes there were calls to patients to be made. Some were good, happy ones, others, not so much. He had a few of both that needed to get done that evening. He looked through the names on the list before him, stopping at one name in particular. 

Eric Hagen.

He was just about to pick up the phone when there was a sudden rap on his door and a female in her thirties quickly hurried in, not waiting for an answer. ''Dr. Haywood, they just called from downstairs, your daughter's in the ER. The Police is there as well" The woman sounded out of breath from running.

“The police!?" Bill quickly came to his feet, “Damn it!" he yelled, running through the door and leaving one very puzzled secretary behind. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 17 

It was a good day. 

In fact, it was one of the better days Eric had had in a long time, despite everything that had happened lately. Even though he hadn't been doing much work, it'd felt good going into the office and talking to his colleagues, all of them voicing their concern to him, which in moments got exhausting to hear. Therefore, he, Lars and Andrea took their escape. Not to the editing room as they always did, which surprised him a bit, but to the screening room where they'd watched a movie; 'Nightmare before Christmas'. Maybe the title came a bit too close to gallows humor. 

Christmas, as Nate had pointed out Monday, was still far away. Thank god. Maybe things could change. Besides, first he had to get through Halloween and Thanksgiving. No point in coming up with nightmares yet. And before those gatherings there was another one happening. The small party for close family and friends they were having tomorrow. The one he had to twist Nate's arm so he wouldn't call it off. The one where Jen would show up. Eric smiled at the thought. He suspected her to already be in town, but you never knew with her. It had been too long since she'd been home and he couldn't wait to see her again. 

It felt good getting some people in the house, especially after a week of being all cooped up, mostly alone. Eric was in such a good of a mood it even made him whistle jolly tunes as he added another Italian dish into the oven.

''Daaaddy" Carrie said thoughtfully from the kitchen island, one hand under her chin while the other applied some red crayon to her current drawing. She had been sitting there ever since they got home. 

Eric smiled crookedly, deciding to give in to the 5000nd 'daaaddy' that afternoon, besides, most of the food for tomorrow was done. He walked up behind her, placing one hand on each side of her drawing, building a little nest around her with his body. ''What can I do for you care bear?"

Tilting her head back, she looked up at him, eyes sparkling, happy about the won attention, and grinned wide. Eric shook his head and couldn't help but laugh affectionately at her. “Silly girl” He twisted one of her long, brown curls around his finger while she turned back her attention to her drawing, blue crayon this time. “Come on now, tell me” he said, poking her sides and making her laugh and squirm. 

“Daddy, who's coming tomorrow? How many drawings do I need to do?" It wasn't a question followed by a sigh but one with excitement to her tone. Especially since Eric had put her on drawing duty; one for each guest to be used as a name sign. A smart move he thought as it kept her from bouncing off the walls of excitement and from him going completely insane by her nagging. 

Eric gently shook his head. ''Haven't we gone through this a thousand times huh!?" he said pretending to be mad and playfully shook her shoulders, emitting more laughter from the girl. 

“But daddy, I forgot!" she screamed as Eric blew a raspberry onto her neck.

''You forgot!?" Raspberry. ''You better not forget!" Raspberry. Eric let her laugh it off and settle down before continuing calmer. “Ok let's go through everyone together, you say the names and I'll count your drawings."

The girl continued to giggle and removed a strand of hair with the back of her hand that had fallen down on her forehead before a sighed “Ok" finally came. Eric flipped through the drawings, most of them with the picture of a dog drawn on them. Carrie held up her hand and counted on her fingers. “You, and dad, and Emma, Anthony.. uhm..."

“And you" Eric interjected encouragingly with a nod. 

“Oh right” Carrie exclaimed and added another finger to her hand. “Aunt Helen and Matt and Anne"

“Correct" Eric said and added a drawing to the pile on the table for each name she said.

“Uhm... Uncle Justin... Are Lars and Dan coming?" She perked up. 

“Yes, and Andrea from Daddy's job. Justin's new girlfriend” It would be their first time meeting the family as a couple, even if Andrea was already familiar with most of them. 

Carrie whipped her head around to look at Eric with big eyes. “She is?" she asked in a curious voice, stretching both words, that could only come from a child. 

“Sure is" he confirmed and received a little giggling snort from Carrie. 

Eric didn't know what was so funny about it and got back to their task again. “Ok there's one more, remember?"

The little girl sat pondering about it for a long time before the last name came to her, ''Aunt Jen!"

“Good. that's everyone" Eric smiled, still hovering over her. 

Carrie looked at the pile of paper. “Do I have enough drawings?"

“You need to finish the one you're doing and then it's just one more”

“Ok" She picked up a yellow crayon and got back to her drawing. "Daaaddy,.. Have I met Aunt Jen?"

“You have, but you were far too young to remember." He kissed the top of her forehead. “You'll continue that, and I'll start dinner, I think dad might be home soon"

…

The engine was off but the headlights pointed their strong light into the deep forest. On the hood of the car sat Nate, staring in their direction. He had no idea how long he'd been there, or how he'd gotten there. The cool air should have been chilling him to the bones, but he felt nothing. He needed it to sober up from whatever he was intoxicated with. He knew that much at least, that he'd been drugged. 

By Cassidy. By. Cassidy. 

The realization of it had slowly sunken in. What the fuck had happened? One moment things had been fine, they'd been chatting and eating cupcakes, and in the next minute his whole world had been tilting, Cassidy going crazy, his body being numb... 

Nate stopped his speeding train of thoughts. The cupcakes. It must have been the cupcakes she'd brought. She only had one, didn't she? Nate shook his head, finally seeing things clearly again. He could envision her taking one on the right side, and declining any others. It was planned. But it didn't make any sense, why would she plan something like that? He needed to go back and get the cupcakes. He needed to show them to someone. But what if she was still there? On the floor. What if someone had found her and called the police? He couldn't go back now. It would be too risky. What would happen to him then? 

Nate's head started spinning again, he nearly didn't make it down from the car before he once again started throwing up behind a tree he'd gotten familiar with during the past minutes...or hours. He dried at his mouth, standing up straight again, ogled with his eyes and lightly slapped his cheeks, trying to regain consciousness. For each time he did he seemed to get a little more awake.

It scared him what little memory he had from what had happened, it came in flashes to his mind; Cassidy locking his door, her in his knee, she being on the floor, him running out, driving, someone honking at him. Each time he went over it, it seemed more blurry than before. More surreal. At least the cold helped to keep him awake, his jacket was left at his office. Thank god he'd had his car keys and wallet in his jeans' pockets. A panicked thought hit him; if he came home like this, Eric would wonder what he had been doing, but he guessed he had to risk it, he had no other place to go. 

Trying to collect his jumbled thoughts, Nate took a few stumbling steps towards the car door. Home. He needed to be home. It was Friday after all, he always avoided working late on Fridays, it would seem strange if he wasn't there. Especially under these circumstances. He climbed into the car, the leather seat squeaked beneath him. Gripping the steering wheel tight, he took a deep breath, ''Get it together O'Connor, you can do this"

Carefully, he turned the key around.

…

On the other side of town there was another pair of hands gripping a steering wheel, knuckles white as snow. "You can't tell anyone about this" Justin stated calmly, staring out the window at the still neighborhood. "We keep it between you and I”

Elisa, who looked like a scared dear, nodded her response, a faint panic settled in her eyes. She opened the door, ready to go out but stopped herself, “What about Warren?" The question was nothing but a whisper. 

Justin clenched his jaw. “I'll take care of it. I'll figure something out" He would do anything to protect his family. 

…

All of the pies were or had been in the oven, Carrie was calmly working on the last placing card in the kitchen, Anthony was playing upstairs and Emma was listening to music from her iPod and watching TV at the same time. Surprisingly, she wasn't flipping through a magazine as well. 

Nate should have been home by now, Eric thought and pondered about calling him but opted not to, this was not a time to come off as needy. He hated having Nate worry about him. 

He glanced at the timer; still a good 30 min to go and he figured it was time for a talk that was long overdue. Not that anyone could blame him for not having it. Walking into the living room he approached the table and snagged the remote from it. He muted the TV, a pleasant silence spreading throughout the house.

Emma glanced up at Eric and pulled the ear buds out. ''What?" she asked, sounding as the teenager she was.

Putting the remote back on the table, Eric took a seat next to hear on the couch. "I was hoping to talk with you a bit" He dried his palms on his jeans and thought about where to start. Luckily, Emma remained quiet in wait for him to say something instead of talking and disrupting his thoughts. “You know when I collapsed and Justin was here." He nearly rolled his eyes at himself, of course she knew.

Emma pulled her knees up to her chin. ''What about it?" She'd rather forget about it than having people talk about it with her over and over again. Seeing her dad lifeless on the floor was something she would gladly scratch her eyes out for if it meant the vision would go away. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even Justin, but it had kept her up at nights. 

“I should have talked with you a long time ago about this but well... things being the way they are..." Eric gave his daughter a cautious glance. Emma was looking uncomfortable, one knee bobbing and some nail biting was going on, a nervous behavior learned from Nate. “Anyway, Justin and I were talking before I..." the last word got stuck somehow.

“Do we have to talk about this?" Emma suddenly exclaimed which came out a bit harsher than intended.

Momentarily thrown back by Emma's outburst, Eric pressed firmly, "Yes we do"

“What if I don't?" Her arms were wrapped around her legs now. 

“Emma please" Eric sighed, ''It's important and you need to hear it. Before everything got chaotic that day Justin told me about him borrowing the car to drive his friends. You know what weekend I'm talking about" he added sternly, a visit to the police station fresh on his mind. “Anyway. Justin told me how they'd been drinking in the car and uhm..." He took a deep breath. ''That vodka bottle wasn't yours. I know that now, it must have rolled out from under the seat or something." Eric looked at his daughter. "I'm really sorry Emma. For wrongly accusing you of something you didn't do" Lately he'd been believing he was turning into his father, but apologize was something he'd never done to Eric. It was not something ''a real man" did. Therefore, Eric made sure his apologies counted for something.

Emma shrugged her shoulders “It's ok" she wasn't in the mood to dwell on it.

Eric badly wanted to reach out and take her hand as he'd done when she'd been younger, but now, he knew she would reject it. ''No honey, it's not ok. I didn't believe you and that's not ok. I hope you can accept my apology."

A faint smile couldn't help but tug at one corner of her mouth. “Jeez dad, you don't have to sound so serious."

“Well I am serious when it comes to my kids you know" he said, feeling a bit better about it all.

"Whatever” She looked hesitatingly at him. “Besides, Justin and I figured it out already”

“You did?” Eric appeared baffled. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Emma casually shrugged her shoulders. “Figured you had other things on your mind”

“Oh” There was a short silence where Eric thought about what she just had said. And suddenly it hurt knowing that she would rather turn to someone else than her parents, even if he was grateful for Justin. “Ems, you know if you want to talk about what's going on, your daddy and I are here to listen"

“Well I don't ok!" It was a determined tone and she started fidgeting with her ear buds, ready to plug them back in again. 

A bit disappointed, Eric nodded his understanding.”That's ok” he said getting up from the couch. What he really wished was for her to open up a bit and talk to him, he sensed that she needed it. In fact, they both needed a proper talk. It had been too long since they'd shared one. He missed her. 

He opened his mouth to tell her but the angry look on her face stopped him. ''That's one month off from your curfew of course" Eric explained orderly and turned for the kitchen. As he did, he heard someone open the front door and he was glad that Nate was home. Until he heard another voice shout out, “Yello! Anyone home?!"

Anthony came bustling from upstairs, sounding like a herd of elephants when descending the stairs. "Justin!" 

Immediately, Justin held out his hand for Anthony to slap. "What's up my man?"

Anthony did his signature shoulder shrug accompanied by a little sigh, ''Nothing"

“Hi J!" Eric called from the kitchen, taking a pie out of the oven, a bit disappointed that it wasn't Nate but still glad to see Justin.

Justin popped his head into the kitchen, “It smells good in here". It felt good seeing Eric up and about, especially cooking again. He'd visited them earlier in the week and then Eric had been resting while Nate got to do kitchen duties. Not a pretty sight.

“Thanks, it's for tomorrow. You're up for a bit of honey glazed ribs tonight though right?" It wasn't really a question if he was staying for dinner or not. Justin was family; he always stayed.

Carrie held up one of her drawings for him to see. ''Look what I did "she grinned proudly.

Justin snatched the paper from her hand, “Very cool carry berry" he said and handed it back to her. She giggled a bit at him.

Turning his attention to Eric, he asked, "Is my brother home?"

Eric washed his hands and shook the water off. ''No, not yet. He should have been by now. Maybe I should call him" he said and glanced up at the clock while drying his hands on a red dishtowel.

Justin got a bit nervous about the statement but bite his tongue from commenting on it. He pressed a smile. “I'm sure he'll be home soon" he tried calming himself more than anyone. It had been hours since he'd seen him disappear from his office and he wondered where on earth he could be. He needed to talk to him. He needed answers on what the heck was going on.

“Hi J" It was the low voice of Emma's which came from the doorway.

“Hi Ems. What are you doing?”

“Nothing really. Watching TV. Wanna watch with me?" She leaned against the door post. 

“Yeah sure" He turned to Eric. "Unless you want any help"

“No. I'm nearly done. Go" In fact, he was revealed to know there was someone Emma was comfortable in talking to.

Justin followed Emma back to the living room and Eric listened as they flipped through the channels, settling for one that played music 24/7.

“Hey Anthony!" he shouted while getting some vegetables out from the fridge. 

“Yeah?"

Eric jumped a bit at the voice, not expecting it to be so close. “Sorry buddy, didn't see you there. Do you wanna glaze the ribs?" he asked, knowing his son liked to help out while he cooked.

“Sure dad" the boy retrieved a chair from the table to reach up to the counter top better. 

“So..." Eric started while rinsing some vegetables. “Anything fun happened at school today?" It was the first chance he'd had to talk with him since they'd gotten home. Usually too stressed to get around to it, he promised himself he always would from now on. 

Anthony dipped the little brush in the glaze. “Uhm" he frowned, pondering. “Tim and I worked on our fort" It had been a little project of theirs ever since school had started again. 

“Cool. How's it coming along” Eric asked, cutting up a cucumber.

“Fine I guess. We just need to find some more stuff for the roof”

Eric reached up for a bowl from one of the cupboards. “So, will this be an exclusive VIP's only kind of fort or is anyone allowed in?"

Anthony shrugged his shoulders, ''Anyone I guess" he said and painted the ribs. 

“Even Katie?" Eric teased, fully aware of his son's crush.

Anthony stopped what he was doing and turned to Eric, blushing madly, red as a beet all the way up to his roots. “Daaad"

Seeing his son's reaction, Eric chuckled silently. "Was there something I said?" he teased. “Katie's a good friend of yours I mean. Right?"

“Yeah, exactly" Anthony confirmed, avoiding to look into his dad's eyes. 

“So I assume she can get access to this fort of yours”

''Of course” Anthony looked a little embarrassed and ducked his head, concentrating on the ribs. 

"Daddy" It was Carrie who demanded his attention from the kitchen island again. “I'm done. What should I do now?" she asked, eager to continue on a new little project.

''You're done?" Eric asked happily, the voice of an encouraging parent. He looked through the drawings quickly. "Well let's see here” It wasn't easy keeping Carrie constantly entertained. ''You know what? I haven't thought about decorating this place for tomorrow" Neither was he planning to. “I'm putting you in charge of the decorating committee" And now he really didn't have to.

“I'm gonna get the balloons" she explained happily and jumped down from the barstool and ran off. To her surprise she was greeted by her other father who stood in the hallway, appearing as he'd just walked through the door.

“Hey Care" Nate said to his youngest who came running towards the stairs. His voice came out week and slightly trembling. He hardly trusted himself to speak further.

“Dad!" Carrie shouted and leaped into his arms.

"Where are you going huh?" His body was shivering from the cold it'd been subjected to. He picked her up, counting on the small body to warm him some.

“Urgh, dad you're cold" Carrie complained, squirming herself out of his grip.

Eric stepped into the hallway, a trail of piquant smells following. ''Hey you. We've been waiting for you. I didn't see the car pull up." He threw a towel over his shoulder and gave Nate a quick peck.

“Hi. Sorry about that. Work was just crazy, I had a lot of things to catch up on. Sorry, I should have called" he apologized.

“Hey it's ok." Eric said and rubbed Nate's upper arms. ”Dinner is ready soon. You feel cold" he added after running his hands up and down Nate's arms a few times.

“Oh yeah, I forgot my jacket at work. So stupid. Don't know what I was thinking" Nate bit the inside of his lip, hoping that Eric would believe him. He also tried pushing down the lingering nausea. 

Eric frowned a bit, looking quizzically at his husband. "Are you ok?"

Quickly, perhaps too quickly, Nate nodded. “I'm fine" He rubbed his hands together and entered the kitchen. "So, what's going on here then?"

"I'm helping to glaze the ribs daddy" said Anthony. 

''Oh that sounds good to me" He dipped his finger in the glaze and tried it out. “Mmm delicious. Two thumbs up." Suddenly, he felt two eyes staring at him and turning slowly; he saw he'd been right.  
In the opening to the living room stood Justin looking intently at him. Justin. His heart started pounding hard. That was the voice that had called after him when he'd rushed out of his office. Slightly panicked, Nate immediately turned back to Anthony and spoke with a shivering voice, "Look at you, you're a real pro at this" he said and wrapped his arm over Anthony's shoulders. Compared to him, everyone was.

“Urgh, daddy, you're cold” the boy said and shrugged the arm off. 

The looks Justin were giving Nate didn't go unnoticed by Eric and he wondered worriedly what was really going on but tried dismissing it for now, he was having a calm, pleasant evening with his family and he intended to keep it that way. Besides, maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. It wouldn't be the first time.

Carrie earnestly moved Nate over to the island and showed him her drawings, Justin was quickly   
next to them. He whispered to his brother, ''Nate, can I talk to you?" Although his question was very much ignored, he tried again, ''Nate?"

Returning Justin's intense stare he caught a glance of Eric behind his brother who had gone back to helping Anthony. He couldn't do it here. Or now. There was a desperation to his look as he told his brother, “Now is not the time"

"When then?" Justin insisted. 

Eric glanced back at the serious conversation Nate and Justin seemed to be having, the sound from their lips unfortunately drowned out by Anthony's roof plans for the fort. His thoughts drifted to the tree house and that he still hadn't checked up on it. Even though he'd been home all week he had been pretty much bed resting. Doctor's, and Nate's, orders. He would never admit it but because of all that rest he actually felt better than he thought he would. Thanks to the prescriptive painkillers his headache had been down to a minimum. He also suspected that some of the ache caused by stressed also had made itself scarce. It woke new hope.

His cell phone suddenly vibrated in his pocket and he had to dig deep to retrieve it. Ever since he'd collapsed, Nate had insisted he would have it near him at all times. The caller ID was unknown. He answered, no one seemed to notice it had called, partly because of the music coming from the living room.

“Eric Hagen?" asked the voice and Eric's heart started beating faster. This was the phone call they had been waiting for.

“This is he" he answered and hurried out to the living room, not wanting the kids to hear the conversation. The TV was on high volume but there was no Emma there to shoo away. He lowered the sound slightly but kept it high enough for anyone to hear. Looking back into the kitchen, Nate and Justin were still whispering with each other, Carrie suddenly being gone. 

"I've been waiting for your call doctor" he spoke nervously, one hand wrapped over his, all of a sudden, unsettling stomach.

“I got the results back from your biopsy" 

Eric made a weak attempt at a chuckle. "So, will I live or die doc?" He saw Emma appearing in the kitchen which broke Justin and Nate's tête-à-tête. Nate went to help Anthony finish and Justin picked up Carrie who came running with some balloons. They were all there. His family. 

“Well the results show..."

Eric intently listened to Dr. Haywood's words and felt himself getting calmer by the second.

“Ok” he nodded. “Thank you Dr. Haywood" he said and slowly closed his cell. 

Eric suddenly felt nothing but empty. Still looking back into the kitchen he saw his family preparing things for tomorrow. Everything would be ok. Things would be fine he thought and mustered a smile before the tears came running. 

..

At the other end of the call, Bill put down the phone and looked up at his daughter slumped down in one of the visitor's chair. "You better keep quiet about that-" he said and pointed to the bandage on her head. "We can't afford to move this time"

Cassidy stared angrily at her father, high on painkillers. “You think you're so clever don't you? Chasing the police away. I could have told them...” her voice faltered. “Told them...mmh” she laughed quietly before turning serious. “If you think that director will lead you to my brother, think again" she smiled viciously. 

…

Nate stared at the bottles of wine standing on parade, waiting to be opened tomorrow. How easy it would have been to open one now already and let its sweet substance pour down your throat. His fingers slowly wrapped around the green glass, his thumb running across the label. Licking his lips, he could practically taste it. So easy.

It had been many years since he had felt the urge to numb himself with alcohol. But this, this was just too much and he wanted to do the cowardly thing and creep into a hole and hide in a mist of alcoholic fumes. Worst part was that it hurt even thinking about and realizing what a coward he really was. Which caused a spiral of selfish self pity. It left him shaking. 

What the hell had happened with Cassidy? He was scared of what he couldn't remember and even more scared that Eric would find out. Especially after what Justin had told him. He had skilfully been avoiding Justin's questions all evening. He was pretty sure Eric had caught their exchanging looks more than once during dinner but he had not asked about it. He had seemed too occupied in conversations with the kids, even Emma. 

He didn't want tomorrow to come. He didn't need Justin to keep pushing for answers he couldn't give him. Justin had revealed things to him that he still couldn't grasp. He had told him how he and Elisa had found Cassidy and called for an ambulance. The blood from the gash in her head. And he had told him the worst part of all; that Warren had been there. Justin had assured him that he'd done everything he could to keep the old man from causing a scene. That did little to calm Nate. 

However, they knew, since Justin and Elisa had followed the ambulance to the hospital, that Cassidy was still alive and that prevented him from having a complete panic attack. But it didn't exactly prevent him from not being able to sleep. So he was down here, in the middle of the night, eyes big as saucers. With a trembling hand he opened the second drawer, reaching for the corkscrew.

“Nate?" the voice came from nowhere and the drawer was slammed shut with a clattering bang. 

He quickly whipped around, facing his husband, ''What are you doing down here?"

Eric frowned. “I could ask you the same you know"

Nate nervously wrung his hands. ''I couldn't sleep, didn't want to wake you so I came down here. I thought I might as well check so we have everything we need for tomorrow"

Eric didn't look too convinced about the explanation. “We have everything"

Nate nodded eagerly. ''Good, good." He licked his dry lips, he hated lying like this. ''What about you then?"

Eric approached the cupboard, retrieving a glass. He made a quick twitch with the shoulders. "I couldn't sleep either”

“I think there is something you're not telling me". The words came out unexpectedly and just like that Nate jerked out of his thoughts and saw how he was holding the bottle. One hand at its neck, the other clutching the corkscrew, ready to open it. The kitchen was empty, there was no Eric there. No one would know. 

That's when he broke down, tears shaking his whole body and slowly he let go of the bottle and sunk to the floor, the corkscrew falling out of his grasp. He couldn't do that to his family. They needed him. There was enough to worry about without adding his problems to the list. How on earth had he gotten himself into this mess? Deep down he knew he needed to tell Eric, the truth would come out sooner or later, but not tomorrow, they needed that day to be with friends and family to just enjoy and forget about life a bit. Nate took a deep, deep chest heaving breath and put his best game face on and picked himself up from the floor, wiping a few stray tears away. 

Tomorrow was going to be a long, long day.

 

 

Ch 18

Anderson wiped a few pearls of sweat from his forehead with an old handkerchief; moving cabinets was heavier than he'd expected. It didn't help that his colleague was sitting on his fat ass drinking coffee. Again. 

“Damn it Rodriguez, get your lard over here and help lifting this shit” he said and gave the metal monster a shove. 

“Aah, no can do” responded his curly haired colleague and crossed his legs up on the desk, stacked with paper. “I still haven't finished my cup. What's the damn hurry?”

“Chief wanted these moved asap, I'm not hired to ask why” Anderson said irritated and gave the cabinet another push. Damn, it was heavy. 

“What crawled up Houseman's ass this time? Can't he do it himself?” Rodriguez smirked and took another sip of his coffee. 

Anderson leaned against the cabinet, catching his breath. “Oh fuck you”

“Fuck you right back Anderson” Rodriguez answered without looking up, instead, he turned his attention to an old newspaper, immediately flipping forward to the comic section. 

Anderson shook his head at his younger colleague and muttered to himself about being paired with such lazy shit. Sitting around drinking coffee was something he could do at home, they were there to work. It was a slow day out on town today, not much happened during Saturday mornings, so they could might as well move some damn cabinets. He gave it another push but nothing happened. The bump however caused a folder of documents to fall to the floor. He picked it up and quickly flipped through it. Annoyance built within when he discovered just what folder it was. 

Turning to his colleague it was impossible not to keep the vexation out of his voice, “I thought you were gonna file this away yesterday!”

“Yeah, so?”

“So, what is it still doing here?”

Rodriguez shrugged his shoulder. “Guess I forgot” The truth was he wasn't ready to put it away already. 

“You would forget your head if it wasn't screwed on!” Anderson threw the folder onto the desk, next to Rodriguez's feet. “Now file it away!”

“I can't, you're moving the filing cabinets around, remember?” he laughed at himself and took another sip of his coffee, eventually deciding to take a look in the folder. He leaned forward as much as his stomach would allow him and with the tip of his fingers he managed to reach the documents. He opened it up and quickly scanned the papers. A deep frown came over his face. There was a thought growing inside about something that hadn't left him since last night. “Hey Anderson. I've been thinking”

“Oh yeah? That's a first” his colleague snickered, currently emptying the heavy cabinet. 

Rodriguez scratched his chin, a two day old beard itching. “Yeah, well there's something not adding up to me. That Doc last night.” he glanced at the papers in his lap, searching for the name. “Haywood. He seemed a bit eager getting rid of us, don't you think?”

Anderson stopped what he was doing and turned to Rodriguez. “He probably had better things to do than answer your stupid questions. It was his daughter we were checking up on, he was just worried about her. He didn't need you pestering him with questions.”

Rodriguez held up his hands. “Hey! I'm just doing my job!”

“Well thank god. I thought you were drinking coffee.” Anderson threw a big pile of papers onto the already full desk. 

“Yeah, but he seemed a bit annoyed about us being there, don't you think?”

“He probably didn't know it was standard for the police to be there when something happens at a school” 

“Yeah but that girl, what was she doing in the professor's office? And where was he?” he tried taking another sip of his coffee but the cup was already empty. 

“She's an English lit. student. And a book worm, she was going in there to borrow a book. The father said so himself. She probably tripped standing on the desk chair, a case of bad luck. There's nothing more to it, mystery solved.” Anderson had gotten enough folders out of the cabinet to try and move it again, this time it worked. It screeched as it got pushed across the floor. 

Rodriguez covered his ears and shouted, “What was the teacher's name again? Why isn't that in the papers?”

“Hagen. Just add it then” Anderson stopped at the cabinet's new place. 

“Hagen and Haywood...hmm..”

“What?” he turned to his colleague, wondering what all the fuss was suddenly about. 

“Those names ring a bell” 

“Oh give it a rest will you, there's thousands of people with those names” 

“Yeah, I guess you're right”

“I always am” Anderson smiled. “Now move”

…

"Ding dong"

“I'll get it!" Carrie shouted and ran for the door, practically jumping all over the place.

“Take it easy honey!" Nate shouted from the living room before turning to Emma who was sprawled out on the couch, zapping through channels.

“Come on Ems, get up. You can't stay like that" He tried arguing with her even though a part of him would have liked nothing more than to join her. He was still exhausted from last night but did everything he could to hide it. This day was about Eric and he had seemed in a good mood this morning, he would not destroy that. He'd even gone through Emma's make-up bag hoping to find a concealer to get rid of the worst dark shadows under his weary eyes. Unfortunately the bag mostly contained eyeshadow in various of strong colors. 

Defiantly, she turned her attention to him. “Well if you'd gotten me a TV in my room I wouldn't have to" 

Nate sighed, he really couldn't be bothered with this right now. “Fine, do what you want" He headed into the kitchen where Eric was setting a little buffet with the help of Anthony. Carrie entered with Justin and Andrea in tow, ''Our first guests" she announced proudly.

Eric chuckled at her. “Now if you really want to be a good hostess you'll offer them something to drink." he explained to his daughter and hugged their guests welcome.

Nate helped Carrie pour a couple of red wines and handed them to Justin and Andrea. “Oh I can't. I'm driving" Andrea declined. 

Nate shrugged his shoulders. “Guess this one is for me then” he said and took a sip of it. It was one of his favorites so it should be good.

Eric excused himself to the stove where he had some last minute fresh pasta on the go, and at the same time ushered them all into the living room. Everyone, except Andrea who stayed behind. “Can I get you anything else to drink? Juice, coke..." he scanned the fridge quickly, “Water?"

"No. I'm fine really. Do you want any help with that?" she said pointing to the table, still not completely set. 

"No, no. Don't worry. I got it under control" Eric smiled as wide as he could. He just wanted to be alone for a few minutes more. 

“I just don't want you to stress out on our account.”

“Don't worry” Eric tried again with more emphasis and turned Andrea by her shoulders, pushing her towards the living room. “Now get out of here and let me finish” 

Andrea went to Justin wearing a defeated look upon her face. ''No luck" she whispered. 

“Me neither” he said with a slight nod in Nate's direction who was sitting in the armchair with the glass in his hand and Carrie on his knee. Justin had told Andrea late last night about what was going on without getting into too many details. They were both worried about them, for different reasons. They just wanted to make sure they were ok. 

Nate ignored the worried looks he was getting from his brother and bobbed both his knees, making Carrie fly high. “Dad! Stop!"

"Nevah!" he shouted and continued even more forcefully to the point where she almost fell off. "Ok, maybe that's enough" he said and took another sip of his wine. The door bell rang again. "I'll open it" Carrie shouted and ran off. 

Anthony sighed and looked at Nate. “When is it my turn?"

“Next time. Promise."

Dan popped his head into the living room, Lars following, carrying Carrie, "We're here” he announced.

“Oh no, not you" Nate joked and got up from the chair to greet them.

“Well we can go if you like to” Lars responded seriously, all in style with his dry sense of humor. 

“Nah, you might as well stay now" Nate hugged Dan right before Eric came into the room, perking up by seeing their friends, this was exactly what he needed right now. Surround himself with people and forget about everything else. Who would have known that he would turn into a people person. Sure, he still felt intimidated at work sometimes in a large crowd, but never with his family. “I thought I heard something" he said and took Carrie from Lars. He skipped right over to Dan who he hadn't seen in a while and gave him another hug. ''Dinner is actually ready guys, the table is all set."

“Just my sister we're waiting for then” Nate added. 

“Sounds like something that runs in the family. Funny that." Eric teased.

Nate lightly slapped him on the upper arm. “Come on people, get your butts in the kitchen" 

Eric waited till they were all gone, then he turned to Emma who was still on the couch. ''Aren't you coming?" 

“I rather not" she said determined.

“Well it's gonna be hard getting any food in here" 

She shrugged her shoulders. “I'm not hungry”

“Eric sighed a little and knew it was pointless arguing when she was like this. The door bell rang for the third time and Carrie squirmed out of his grip.

“I'll get it!" she screamed.

From the kitchen Eric could hear Anthony's voice. ''Daddy, you promised"

Before heading to the door, he turned to his daughter ''You could at least try" he said slightly disappointed and went into the hall where Helen was making her way through the door while Matt was helping Anne off with her jacket. 

Carrying a big cake, Helen kissed Eric on the cheek, leaving a signature red mark. “Hi you. As requested, I brought something sweet for my sweet" she said and hurried into the kitchen. Carrie grabbed Anne's hand and trailed after into the kitchen as well. 

''Hey man. How are you doing?" Matt asked. He and Helen had been over earlier in the week helping out with all sorts and Eric had scared him looking so pale.

“I'm better, thanks" Eric pressed a smile, he was in no mood to talk about his medical condition right now.

Matt gave him a bear hug. ''Good. Glad to hear it. You look much better" he said and joined the others in the kitchen.

Eric looked at them all chatting and sadly remembered someone was missing. Maybe she had decided not to show up after all. Sighing slightly he turned back his gaze to the door, which was still half open, and saw a foot sticking in, wiggling a little. He smiled wide, eyes inevitable crinkling. Then a hand was added and it rapped a knuckle on the door. “Knock, knock"

He chuckled, old memories quickly brought to mind. “Who's there?”

“Bacon"

“Bacon who?"

And there she was, Jen, who suddenly emerged in doorway. "Bacon a cake for your birthday" she smiled.

Eric laughed heartfelt before quieting and he was suddenly not able to do anything but stare at her, eyes a bit glossy. Her hair was longer and, if possible, even more wild. She looked thinner, tanned and her arms really toned, a new tattoo on her left. He noticed there were some new wrinkles at the corner of her eyes as she stood smiling at him; she looked even more crazy, mischievous and beautiful than ever. 

They stood looking at each other for a while, simply soaking each other in before Jen screamed loudly out of joy and ran to Eric, jumping up in his arms, legs wrapping around his waist. He couldn't help a tear slipping from his eyes and Jen grabbed his head, missing his stitches by an inch, and gave him a firm kiss on the lips. 

Refusing to let her go yet, Eric took a firmer grip around her and laughed. ''And I thought you didn't eat bacon".

“For you I'll eat anything" she wiped his tear away and winked. 

“Well I made a vegetarian dish for you"

“And that's why I love you" she grinned wide which turned into a gentle smile, making them just look at each other again. It was Jen who broke the silence first. “Damn, I've missed you" she said quietly.

“Ditto kiddo” Seeing her again was better than words could describe. “Saw your photos. You're doing good Jen. I'm proud of you"

She didn't answer with anything else but a simple peck on the mouth again.

''Hey! What's going on out here?" Nate's jokingly voice interrupted them. “I thought I heard my baby sister out here but she can't be kissing my husband can she?"

"You need to work on your comedy big brother” Jen answered, eyes still focused on Eric.

“Oh get down and give me a hug. Eric can't carry you around all day, he should know better than that” Nate tried joking about it but he sounded far too serious. However, Eric decided to let it pass but not without shooting an irritated glance his husband's way. 

Soon the whole family was out in the hall, all hugging Jen. Justin introduced Andrea to her who was the only one she didn't recognize. Carrie looked quizzically at her, trying hard to remember if they'd met. Anthony was a little shy but soon started talking to her as Jen presented him with a rather huge, dried spider in a glass jar that she gave to him.

They were quickly all seated for dinner, everyone chatting away. The Hagen kitchen hadn't been so boisterous in a long time.

…

“Eric, thank you, that was delicious” Matt wiped at his mouth and finished his glass of wine. 

“Hey, what about me?” Nate tried. 

The rest of the O'Connor siblings all snickered. “Oh please, who do you think you're kidding?” Helen teased and got up, collecting the plates around the table with a little help from Dan.

“You know, I did suggest cooking classes to him once but he refused. I wonder why” Dan smiled cheekily. 

“You should have typed it cocking classes” Jen laughed loud, immediately getting a napkin thrown her way. 

“Hey! We got kids here” Nate scolded his little sister playfully. 

Andrea was laughing along with Jen and wiped at her eyes. “Right, before any more napkins will be thrown, Lars and I have to go into the living room for a while.” She stood up. “Eric you stay here”

“Well who else will take care of this?” 

“Matt and I will help” Helen offered. “The rest of you can run along. Leave it to the pros” 

Lars and Andrea made their way to the living room, Jen quickly grabbed Nate's arm and dragged him away and Justin decided to follow them. Dan seemed stuck with the kids, Carrie and Anne tugging at his shirt. 

“Ok, take it easy” he sighed. “No need to pull at the three hundred dollar shirt.” he laughed nervously. “I'll go with you” 

Left was Eric, Helen and Matt. And a small mountain of dirty plates. 

“Oh will you look at that, I think half the cake is left.” Helen sighed at the messy leftovers. 

“That's because Eric's food was too good, there wasn't any room to put it”

“You're just sick of my cooking” Helen complained to her husband. 

Eric wrapped his arms around his sister in law from behind. “The cake was delicious.” he smooth talked. “Thank you for bringing it over” he said and kissed her cheek. 

Matt took a pile of plates over to the counter and started filling the machine.

Turning around, Helen slipped out of Eric's grip. “So” she started and met Matt in a quick glance behind Eric's back. “Any news yet?”she asked carefully. 

Eric's smile quickly faded. “Nope, not yet” he faltered. “We're still waiting”

Matt turned from the counter. “Weren't you suppose to get the result this week?”

“Or next” Eric quickly added, a glint in his eye. 

Helen scrunched her nose. “That sucks” 

“Well, it is what it is” Eric turned to the parade of wine bottles that was quickly getting shorter. “Can I top you off?” he asked eagerly, ready to change the subject. “I know I'm having some more”

“Sure go ahead” Matt yelled above the water while rinsing some plates. 

“Are you sure you should?” Helen looked worriedly at him all of a sudden.

“Yes, I'm sure” Eric smiled gently and dipped his finger in the cake, smearing it out on her nose and by that ending the conversation for good. 

…

Jen paced the floor of Nate's study which they were hiding in with Justin. “Why the fuck didn't you tell me over the phone. Helen told me all about it last night” Her voice was more puzzled than upset. 

Nate sat slumped down in his big leather armchair, his favorite spot when it came to reading, and felt he had a nice buzz going. “I didn't know about it the last time I talked with you”

Jen stopped short. “Shit”

Justin looked worriedly at her. “What?”

“Nothing, just shit. SHIT!” She turned to them with pleading eyes. “This is Eric you guys, he can't be sick!” When Helen had told her last night she had broken down crying for the first time in a very long time. She had been too tired to ask the right questions then. “What are we gonna do about it?”

Nate tiredly shrugged his shoulders. “Right now we're just waiting for the results” 

Jen decided to sit down and her head quickly sunk into her hands. “I know, I know” she sighed deeply. “Well that's it. I'm not going back until I know Eric is ok” 

Justin raised an eyebrow. “Weren't you suppose to shoot for the National G?” 

“Yeah well, I guess they're just gonna have to accept pictures from Langston instead of Bolivia” she smiled, knowing that was a no chance in hell. Her career wasn't important in comparison. There would be other gigs. She looked at Nate. “What about you? How are you doing?”

Nate and Justin met each other's eyes before Nate turned to Jen and raised his glass in a lonely toast. “Just peachy” 

…

Dan had been defeated, he was laying helpless on the floor, no chance of getting up. The strong army of three kids had him under their control. They were overpowering him with his Achilles' heel; tickling. 

“Guys, come on, give me a break!” he tried pleading without much response. “Lars, help me out of here”

Lars snickered at him. “Ha ha, you're on your own there” he said and turned back to Andrea who was getting the TV ready. 

“And you're suppose to be my partner” Dan huffed before he started laughing again. When he couldn't take it anymore, he decided to use his superpowers, just retrieved from the planet Krypton, and stood up, making a kid fall down one at a time. “Mohahaha” he laughed viciously. 

“Oh man” Anthony sighed and decided this game was pointless in continuing, even if the younger girls tried to. He turned to his older sister instead who had been planted on the sofa the whole day, now talking on her cell phone. 

“Will you please come over and save me?” she pleaded into the phone, twisting a curl of hair around her finger. “Isn't there a party or something we can sneak off to?” She was desperate really, she would do anything to get out of there. 

“Can't, my dad grounded me”

“What the heck for?” 

“It's a long story”

“So, tell me. It's not like I don't have the time” she glanced around boringly. 

“Look, what about I'll sneak out. I can be there in an hour, tops”

“Awesome!” Emma exclaimed happily. If Ryan was coming over, things were finally starting to look up. She noticed her brother staring at her. “I gotta go. See you later” she said and hung up, turning her attention to Anthony. “What are you looking at?”

“Dad said we couldn't have friends over”

“So?” The question was left hanging as Lars bellowing announced, “Ok, people, gather around. It's movie time”

Eric, Helen and Matt quickly came into the living room, all of them curious as to what was going on. Lars pointed Eric to a seat he had placed right in front of the TV.

Anthony poked at his shoulder. “Dad”

“Yeah?” He leaned in, listening to his son's quietly spoken words. 

“Can I ask Tim to come?”

“No, not today”

“But Ryan is coming soon”

Eric shot up an eyebrow of surprise. “Did Emma say that?” he glanced around looking for his eldest but she was suddenly gone. She knew very well not to have uninvited guests over today. Especially him. He couldn't deal with him right now, there was something about him he still didn't like. “Emma wasn't suppose to do that. I promise Tim can come over another day” he said and pulled Anthony in close to him.

All of them were gathered around the TV and it was Andrea who took the helm. “So, a couple of weeks ago Lars and I asked Eric what he wanted for a birthday gift and of course he said he didn't want anything at first. But then he added kinda jokingly something like, and I think I can remember the exact quote here, 'get this film done for me' referring to our beloved documentary which I'm sure you lot know all about” Andrea explained, receiving some laughs of reminders of several swear words coming out of the trio's mouth. “Or, quote again, 'a new job, preferably some Hollywood gig'. Well as hard as we tried, we couldn't really get you the latter. So..” she said and pointed the remote towards the TV. “We give you our completed documentary” she raised her glass, “Here's to finally getting rid of sleepless nights! At least until the next project” she added with a laugh. 

“Hear, hear” Lars chimed in as Andrea pressed play under a joined cheer. They all silenced when the frame turned white for a few seconds before Eric's name appeared as the directing credit. The frame got white again, fading into a man wearing a baseball cap. He looked ragged and weary. 

“So, how come you decided to become clean?” It was Eric's voice who spoke behind the camera and he smiled at the thought that they had moved this scene up to the very beginning, throwing the viewer right into the story. 

“You know...I had this girlfriend who was pregnant. She OD'd...I gave her some of my stash. She died” 

“And that's when you decided to become clean?” 

“No man. That's when I decided to die”

Eric looked at Lars and Andrea who both stood a bit to the side, looking a little nervous. Or at least Andrea was. He gave them an approving nod and a smile and she visibly relaxed, causing Eric to chuckle. As much as he had wished to be there for the final editing, he was thrilled that their beast was finally done. 

As the film played, Justin leaned towards his older brother, whispering, “So you haven't heard anything?” he asked, picking up their conversation which had been interrupted by Andrea earlier. 

Nate stared angrily at him and took another gulp of his wine. “There's nothing to hear. Let's just forget about it” he said sternly and moved over to Eric, standing behind him. He squeezed his shoulders affectionately, he was damn proud over him. He wouldn't be surprised if the documentary would receive outstanding critique. 

Fifty minutes later the end credits started rolling and the living room was completely silent. Even though the film never managed to answer why James had decided to get clean, the end still conveyed the hope Eric had looked for as it ended with a more cheerful still on James than the one he had been able to find. It was perfect. 

Eric looked around the room, seeing the touched faces. There was just one thing missing about this premiere, the star of the movie wasn't there. No matter where he was, Eric hoped that he was still doing ok. 

Andrea cleared her throat and smiled through damped eyes. “Maybe you noticed that at the beginning we had left some empty space at a white frame”

Eric folded his arms, nodding. “I did notice that. Yep”

They laughed. Of course he would notice that, he was the director after all, nothing got by him.

“Well we thought since we did the hard job of getting it done, McCoy has signed off on it by the way, that you would get the task of naming it.”

“Can I think about it?” Eric laughed. 

“Well it's going on its first screening in a couple of weeks so don't take too long” Andrea demanded. 

Eric looked around the room and a sudden thought hit him when seeing all the faces he loved so much. It was something not everyone was privileged of seeing. “On a second thought.” He shook his head. “I don't need to think about it. I wanna call it “Hoping”” he said thoughtfully. 

“Why?” Dan blurted out. 

Eric smiled and rose. “Look at it again, you'll figure it out” he went over and gave Lars and Andrea a warm hug each. “I love it. Thank you for finishing it” 

“Alright, 'nough with the long faces” Nate declared and turned on some music. “I need to dance” he exclaimed, waving his arm out, reaching for Eric. 

“Oh god, here we go” Helen rolled her eyes and Eric was forced into a dancing embrace. 

Nate pointed his hand holding the glass at Helen, managing to spill some on the carpet. “Oh come on, you know you want to”

Eric took the glass from Nate's hand. “Ok, I think that's enough for you” Frowning, he put it down on an end table. It had been a while since he'd seen Nate drink like this. Usually it never worried him when he was taking a glass or two when they were out at a restaurant; Nate had managed to keep his drinking in check for many, many years. It was obvious something was going on and Eric sadly realized exactly what it was. It was him. His illness. What else could it possible be?

Nate glared at him. “Oh come on, don't be such a sour cat. I'm just having fun” He got Eric dancing with him. 

Eric pressed a smile, “Just go a bit easy ok. For me” he said and gave him a quick peck. There was no way he could tell him. 

Andrea had somehow managed to drag Justin out on the improvised dance floor and he was currently showing off his best moves, or rather 'worst'. The ugly dance had been born all over again. Matt and Helen followed, even a very reluctant Dan and Lars. Jen grabbed Anthony who she made stand on her feet. They were all laughing and joking at each other, trying to compare who had the worst two left feet. Lars won by a landslide. 

Eric was enjoying himself, after years of being forced by Nate to dance he had finally started appreciating it. It felt good holding and being held all while swaying and spinning around to music. That was until a shot of pain forced its way through his head and he momentarily lost his balance.

Before he nearly fell, Nate caught him, quickly sobering up. “Are you ok? Come on, let's sit down” he said worriedly and loud enough for everyone to hear. They were all looking at Eric by now who was holding his head. 

“Look, I'm fine, really.”

“Maybe you should sit down anyway, you've been on your feet all day” Helen encouraged. 

“Yeah come on” Nate held his arm, trying to get him to the couch. 

Eric quickly shook him off. “Would everyone just back off and stop telling me what I can and can't do!?” He'd been hearing it all day and enough was enough. 

“Well maybe we have to since it didn't exactly work out brilliantly the last time you tried solving things on your own!” Lars yelled back. Damn it felt good getting that out. 

Eric shot him and angry glare that lasted for some very long quiet seconds, you could have heard a needle fall. He looked around, seeing them all stare at him.

“Daddy”, came the small voice of Carrie, sounding scared. 

Eric looked at her quickly, seeing tears in her big deer like eyes, and then, he rushed out.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch 19

Shocked, they looked at Eric's back disappearing through the door in a hurry. It took a long moment before anyone said anything, even the kids were quiet, and when someone finally spoke up it was a furious Nate who turned to Lars, “Why the hell did you have to say that?!”

“Well someone needs to tell him like it is.” Lars yelled back. He had been tip toeing around Eric long enough. They all had. He was tired of it. 

“Well you don't have to shout it at him! Geez!” Nate held his forehead, starting to angrily pace the room back and forth. He was more than upset with their friend right now, he should have known better. 

“Guys, calm down” Helen tried, looking worried at the kids, especially Carrie who was on the verge of crying, tears practically spilling over from her beautiful eyes. Anthony pressed his lips tight together and held a straight face as always, and Anne, well she was too young to understand what was being said but not too young to hear an argument being held. 

Matt spoke up “Anthony, Carrie, Anne, come on. Let's get dressed and see if we can find something fun to do outside” he reached out his hand to his daughter. 

Dan unfolded his tensed arms and put them on Anthony's shoulders, squeezing carefully. “I'll come with you. Let's play some ball.” he suggested casually and did his best to sound happy all while casting a stern look at his partner. 

Jen looked at them all with disbelieving eyes, slowly shaking her head. She was baffled at the sudden behavior. “I'll go find Eric” she said quietly, not certain anyone heard her or even noticed her departure. Neither did it appear as anyone else would go look for him. 

Left was Helen, Justin and Andrea, all trying to calm down two strong minds named Nate and Lars. At least they had the courtesy to wait until everyone was outside before they continued their bickering. 

Nate was still pacing, until Lars grabbed his arms, getting in close to his personal space. He could be real menacing when he wanted. Through hissed teeth, he continued, “We've been nothing but supportive to Eric and I know he's dealing with shit right now, you both are, but someone also needs to tell that stubborn man as it is. You see it, I see it...” he pointed to the listening trio “they see it. That he's ignoring himself. He shouldn't be up running around like this. He had brain surgery just a few days ago for Christ's sake! And frankly, I don't know how the hell you can allow it!” His anger flared again.

That set Nate's fuses off again. “I allow it 'cause it makes him happy!” he argued back. He was not about to defend his actions to anyone or take the blame that Eric wasn't feeling well. IF Eric wasn't feeling well. Seeing him bustle around the kitchen yesterday was the happiest he'd seen him in a long time and he wasn't about to let anyone ruin that. 

…

“Come on, hurry up before anyone sees you” Emma pulled at the shoulders of Ryan's jacket, trying to get him in through the window as quickly as possible. She could hear them yelling from downstairs and she knew others had gone outside, she didn't want to risk them seeing him. 

Ryan came falling through the window with a thud. “Yikes, take it easy, what's the damn hurry?” he brushed off some dust from his knees and arms and stood up.

“You can't really be here” She peeked her head out the window, trying to spot if anyone had seen them but her room's side of the house seemed empty. She closed the window. 

“Then why the heck did you call me then?” Ryan said irritatedly before his body gave a hard single shiver. “Damn it's cold out there. I had to take the damn bike over here you know” Not a welcomed activity for someone who had recently received their driver license. He threw himself onto the bed. It was the first time he'd been in Emma's bedroom and with interest, he looked around. To his delight there were no girly stuff like pink pillows, fashion mags or pictures of random guys. A 'Nosferatu' movie poster caught his eyes. “That thing looks creepy” he said, pointing at it. 

Emma threw a quick glance at the poster, a present from her dad. “Yeah I suppose” she said and shook her head. Her mind was occupied by other things, which made themselves reminded again when she heard the shouting from downstairs. She looked at Ryan, “So, wanna get out of here?” 

“I just got in!” Ryan exclaimed, looking baffled at her. He wasn't sure what was going on or why he was even there. “Come here instead” he motioned at the space on the bed next to him. Maybe he could make her forget whatever it was that was bothering her. 

Reluctantly, Emma sat down on the edge of the bed, she didn't scoot over to the wall next to him, even though she knew that's what he wanted. She hid her face in her hands and let out a long, deep sigh. “Well I need to get out of here before I suffocate” she stated calmly. 

Ryan looked at her before he turned to the door where the voices were coming from, clearly bothering her as she kept throwing glances at it. “Look, they'll soon get tired. Believe me I know” he said, speaking from experience. “Just ignore that shit” 

Agitated, she looked up at him. “I can't ignore that shit! It's driving me nuts. And it's not the shouting that's bothering me” She didn't want to sound as angry as she did.

“Well what the fuck is the problem then?” Ryan sighed. This was not what he'd been expecting on his way over. 

She stood up again, suddenly feeling very angry. “My dads are the problem! They're both pretending that everything is fucking dandy when it's not. Makes me sick.” She sunk back on the bed again. It felt as if everyone around her was draining her of energy. 

Ryan sighed. “Well, like I said, ignore that shit” He scooted closer to her. “Besides, I got the thing to cheer you up” he said and held up a small bag of weed, retrieved from his pocket. 

Emma looked up at him over her shoulder, a faint lopsided grin forming on her lips. “We need a party for that”

Ryan shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, we can have a party right here”

Emma laughed a little, leaning back to him. Maybe he was right. Ignoring 'that shit' could work. She picked a leaf out of his hair and held it up to him. “Friend of yours?” she asked teasingly. 

“Nah, I'm only friend with these leaves” he grinned, shaking the small bag. 

…

Jen squinted from the cold wind blowing dust into her eyes as she run around the property, looking through both the garage and shed but not finding any sign of Eric. At least both cars were still there so she knew he couldn't have gone far, even though she had no idea where to look. Searching around the house, desperately hoping he would be at a simple place as the porch a thought hit her of where he could be and she headed for the woods. Hopefully it would protect her some from the storm that seemed to intensify. They all needed to go in and seek shelter if it would continue like this and she knew she needed to find Eric before it did. 

Matt and Dan were playing football with the kids near the edge of the wood. At least some of the adults were still sane she thought. She didn't really care what the argument was really about, she just wanted to know that Eric was ok. From what she could tell, he'd been through enough already. 

Approaching the tree house, to her delight, she could see two feet jutting out and she smiled a little at the though of her tall brother in law all cramped up in there. It was low enough for her to stand on her toes and still look in, so she did. “Thought I might find you here” she said gently when seeing Eric's solemn expression. This might be tougher than she thought. 

Clearing his throat, he quickly wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Well I thought I might check up on it, it's been a while since I did. Don't want the floorboards to be rotten or something” he explained. 

She let her eyes wander over it, looking inspectingly at the little house. “So, is it up to standard?” If he wanted to stall the real issue why they were out here, that was fine with her.

He nodded, looking up at the gray sky through a hole in the ceiling. “Yeah, thank god. It's still holding together. Better than I thought”

“You think it's safe for one more in there?” she asked hopefully, biting her lip in anticipation.

“I think that would work” he tried smiling but it came out false. He sighed inwardly, not knowing how much longer he could keep it together. He really needed her to leave soon but he could do nothing to stop her from climbing up. 

Lithe as a cat, she made her way into it. She had climbed a lot of tree houses during her travels, most of them situated a lot higher than this one. She sat down next to him and tried figuring out where to start. “Here” she said and handed him a jacket she'd brought. “Don't get cold. It's getting real bad out there.” she said and nodded towards the outside of their little shelter. “And before you say anything, I would bring anyone a jacket in this weather. Potential cancer patient or not” she added. 

Obediently he put it on before he stared out in front of him. They both remained quiet for a long moment. “Not a potential one” he finally said, the sadness in his voice leaking through.

Jen looked at him, everything suddenly became very quiet and it was as if the wind froze in a mid-gust. “What are you saying?” She already knew the answer but she needed to hear it from him. It couldn't be true otherwise. 

Eric was quiet for a few seconds before he could continue after a deep inhale, “It's cancer” He clenched his jaw the best he could, fighting hard not to let all the emotions bottled up inside take over. He'd been holding it in since last night and burying himself in preparations for the party to forget all about Dr. Haywood's call. He looked at her with sad, dark eyes. “I got cancer Jen” He didn't mean to sound scared, but he did. The words felt wrong on his tongue. 

Jen could hear an owl call and the kids laugh in the distance as she drew a very deep breath, trying to process what Eric just had told her. She sat completely still, staring out into the forest. This was not how her visit home was suppose to have gone. The warm, cozy sweater had suddenly been brutally ripped off of her. Calmly, she finally asked, “When did you find out?” 

“Last night”

She slowly nodded her understanding. “And no one knows?” She turned to look at him, making it impossible for him to lie, even though she already knew the truth. 

Eric shook his head. “No” he whispered, feeling Jen's intense stare on him. He finally looked up and into her eyes. “I guess I overreacted a bit in there huh” he laughed some at himself, a desperate attempt to lighten the somber mood. 

She wouldn't let him off the hook so easily. “You're scared” she stated simply, direct to the point, partly why he loved her. She could read people like no one else. 

Eric managed a small, sad smile. “Fear is the path to the dark side” he said, making quite an awful Yoda impersonation. 

She wasn't in the mood for anymore stalling. So, she pressed, kindly but firmly, “Eric. This is me you're talking to”

He ducked his head again, unable to look at her anymore. Telling her was harder than he thought and he couldn't even begin imagining how to tell Nate. Slowly, he could feel himself losing it. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. 

“When will you tell Nate?” she pushed. 

He wasn't able to do anything else right then than to bury his head between his knees and shake his head. Everything was closing in on him, the air itself got heavier by the second. His heart was pounding so fast he could hardly feel each beat. His whole body was shivering and the tears were flowing freely by now. “I don't wanna leave them.” he managed to say in between sobs and pants of struggling breaths. “I can't leave them” The ache and fear of leaving his family was too great. 

Jen was close to tears by Eric's pain but she refused to break down. She was at a loss of what to do so she did the only thing she could do. She took a strong grip around his shoulders and pulled him close. “I won't let that happen. I won't” She determinedly shook her head. 

Eric clung to Jen as if she'd been a lifeline. He tried steading his breathing the best he could, gulping a few times. He forced himself to speak. “I can't breathe when thinking about it” he cried. “I'm so scared” And there it was, finally. The truth. He shook his head violently. “I can't have cancer” His voice was pleading and Jen took a stronger hold around him, doing her best to calm him. 

Breaking out from the tree house's walls were faint sobs and whimpers. Due to the strong winds the heartbreaking sound could only be heard by someone standing really close. And it was exactly what Anthony was doing, having heard the last part of the conversation. The retrieved football in his hand was shaking by his shivers and he wished he'd never kicked it into the woods. 

…

Nate was furious. And tired. He had enough to deal with without falling out with one of his friends and besides, the argument wasn't leading anywhere. He refused to listen to someone that thought he didn't know what was best for his own husband. It was time to walk away before he would say something he really would regret. “You know what, I'm not gonna discuss this anymore. You can all just go for all I care. I'm going upstairs” he said as calmly as he could, staring into empty space. His fists were clenched tight as he ascended the stairs, leaving Lars with Helen, Justin and Andrea. 

“Well” Lars said, looking at the three faces before him. “Maybe I should go” He didn't regret having the fight with Nate but he regretted doing it in front of an audience. 

“No” Helen said sincerely, reaching out to touch his arm. “Stay. This was suppose to be a party. Let Nate cool off a bit. Besides, Dan is out playing with the kids, you can't make him leave in the middle of that” she smiled. 

“Exactly” Justin agreed. “Besides. I kinda agree with you. So does Nate, he's just afraid to admit it. Eric should be taking it easy” He hated that he hadn't had the guts to tell him that himself the past week, but as Nate had said; he had seemed happy. It felt wrong to ruin that. 

“Maybe we should go outside with the others” suggested Andrea who up till now had remained very quiet. 

“You go. I'll stay here and take care of the dishes” Helen offered and started picking up some glasses from a table beside her. That wasn't all she would take care of she thought and turned her eyes to the ceiling. 

Upstairs, Nate stood in the hallway, pondering what to do. It was just all so stupid. He should be outside trying to find Eric, not in here having some pointless argument. Thank god for Jen, he just hoped she could find him. He knew Eric hated how they had all fussed over him and that's why he ran out. Further more, Nate knew he hated how he'd been drinking and he mentally scolded himself that he had let everyone see it. Eric didn't need to worry about him as well. Nate cursed himself for not having more will power. He wished he could come back inside so they could talk. A real talk to clear the air, they both needed it. He couldn't continue like this. He knew he needed to tell him everything about Cassidy. Before it was too late. 

He could hear faint laughs coming from Carrie outside and felt relieved that Matt and Dan had managed to take her mind off of things. She had looked so sad. None of their kids deserved to go through what they did right now. That's when he realized he hadn't seen Emma after the bickering had broken loose. He began worrying about her, she had been more sulky today than she usually was. He wondered if she knew more than she let on. If he couldn't talk to Eric, then at least he could talk to her. 

Without knocking, he opened the door to her room, hoping she would be there. Something he immediately regretted doing. For there was she and someone who could be no one else than Ryan, on the bed, admittedly fully dressed but about to lighten a joint. 

Nate's jaw dropped, his eyes goggling at them. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Both kids flew up from the bed as if their asses had caught on fire. “Daddy!” Emma shouted, her voice a mix of embarrassment and anger. 

“What the hell is going on!?” Nate's face appeared in shock from the sight before him. This was the last thing he needed right now. 

“Nothing!” Emma tried in vain. “Shouldn't you be knocking?!” There was only anger to her voice by now. She was furious with him, was there no such thing as privacy anymore? 

“Well apparently it's a good thing I didn't!” he reached out his hand for Ryan. “Give it to me. Now” he added harshly when Ryan appeared reluctant to hand it over. He now realized Eric had been right in not liking him. “I'm not sure what you two think you're doing. But this” he said and held up the joint. “Is not acceptable in this house. Emma I thought we'd taught you better than this” In between his own shouting, he thought he heard the door bell. 

“Oh please” Emma spat back. “You're too busy being miserable, you don't have time to teach me anything!” There were just more bullshit built on top of other bullshit. She was determined to speak the truth, even though he wouldn't believe her. 

Nate was baffled at her words. “What's that suppose to mean?” he said shaking his head, unable to grasp what she was saying. He glanced at Ryan who stood quietly by the window. He wasn't in the mood to have yet another argument with an audience. 

Emma folded her arms and looked away, refusing to answer him. What was the point anyway? 

“What? You won't talk now? Are we back to that?” Nate almost started laughing at the absurdity of it all. He rubbed irritatedly at his temples. It was true what they said, accidents never came alone. And his life right now was just one train wreck after the other. He decided to take another approach and turned to the boy. “Right. Ryan is it? Who are your parents? I need to call them and you need to go home” 

“Uhm” Ryan started, thrown off guard by being addressed by the total stranger in such way. He was not about to tell him about his parents' name. Before he could come up with a lie good enough he was saved by a voice coming from the stairs.

“Nate? Where are you?” It was Helen's voice that called out, quick steps approaching.

With arms folded he stared at the kids and shouted back to her over his shoulder. “I'm in here” 

Helen popped her head in. “Good” she smiled strained, only looking towards her brother. “Uhm Nate. Could you come out here” she demanded, her voice slightly unsteady. 

He didn't take his eyes from the two culprits. “I can't right now. I have something to deal with here” He smiled smugly at them, knowing he was making them nervous. Because no matter how much Emma tried arguing about it, she knew she had done something wrong. 

“Well, it has to wait” Helen said seriously. “You need to come with me” 

Nate looked at her, wearing a concerned frown, and could see in her eyes that something was going on. “What is it?”

Helen threw a cautious look Emma's way and whoever the boy was. “Just come with me” She was not about to tell him in front of them. 

Reluctantly, Nate decided to follow her outside. He turned to Emma and Ryan, an angry finger pointed at them. “You stay right there, I'll deal with you in a minute” 

Helen promptly closed the door behind them and Ryan immediately turned to Emma. “Right, let's get out of here” he said and hurriedly patted at his pockets, making sure he still got everything. 

Concerned, Emma looked at the closed door, curious as to what was happening behind it. “I wonder what's going on” She gnawed absently on her lower lip. 

“Who cares, let's get the fuck out of here before your dad comes back” He threw a warm sweater he'd picked up from the floor her way and opened the window. The wind eerily howled around in the room. “Let's go” he barked, one leg already out the window. 

Quickly, she snapped out of thoughts and knew Ryan was right. There was no point in staying. She grabbed her bag and followed him out the window, not really caring where they were going. 

Outside the door, unaware of what was going on inside of Emma's room Nate looked puzzled at his sister. “What is it?” he asked, brows tightly knitted. 

“The police is downstairs” Helen whispered to him. She fought hard not to show it but she nervously fidgeted with the hem of her blouse. Whatever was going on, she knew from the tone of the officers that it couldn't be good. 

Nate's heart suddenly stopped, his face becoming white as a sheet. He swallowed hard before he was able to speak with a faltering voice. “Do you know what they want?” His hands were suddenly trembling. 

She shook her head. “No, they just wanted to talk to you they said” she kept whispering. 

Another hard gulp. “I see”

She looked intensely at her brother. Fear was starting to slowly creep up her spine. “What's going on Nate?

“I don't know. I better go down and talk to them” he said calmly without batting an eyelid even though inside his body was screaming to the point that he felt nauseated. His legs started shaking. This was not happening. It was all catching up with him. Where was Eric? He needed Eric right now. Or Justin. He had to remind himself to keep breathing when he took a first descending step before he suddenly remembered just exactly what he was holding in his hand. He turned to Helen who was right behind him. “You better take this” he said and handed her the joint, receiving one very surprised expression in return. 

“Nate, what the hell is happening?” she hissed, but got no answer back.

…

Eric wiped his last tears away, and let out a deep, heavy breath. His breathing was slowly coming back to a normal level again. “Shit” he said with a little sigh and pulled away from Jen. This was not the way things were suppose to have turned out. He was suppose to be inside and entertain his guests, not be out here crying his heart out like a little girl. Why couldn't he just have stuck it out a little longer? So stupid. He really thought he would be able to hold it together. For Nate's sake. He didn't want him to know just yet. If they only could have had a few days more without knowing. But seeing Nate getting drunk and hurting himself it had been hard keeping it together any longer. 

Jen looked at him under silence, trying to read what was going on in that stubborn brain of his. For some reason that she couldn't figure out things had seemed to have gotten out of hand and there were some questions that needed answers. “Why don't you wanna tell Nate?” At least she had figured that one out fairly quickly. It wasn't a question about when he would tell him, it was why he didn't want to.

Eric gave a short snort, the sound of someone who had been caught. She always did have a knack for calling him out on his ideas. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I do. I just don't know how” he said low, trying to skirt the real reason. 

“Hmm” Narrowing her eyes, she looked at him with the eyes of a jury member, trying to judge if the defendant was lying or not. “Ok, cut the bull. What's really going on?”

Eric looked irritated at her. Not so much because he was mad at her but he was mad at himself for not lying better because she had caught him on his bullshit. “I just don't want to tell him ok!” he yelled. 

“Well what the hell for? He's your husband, he has the right to know!” Jen shouted back, she wasn't about to take just anything. 

“Because I'm scared ok!” Even though how much he hated to admit it, it was the truth. “And I think he's drinking again and if I tell him it will just be a disaster” There, he'd said it now. 

Jen looked baffled of what he just had said. She'd seen Nate drink today with her own eyes but she didn't realize it was that bad. “Why do you think he's drinking again?”

“Because of me of course. Isn't that obvious. He's not dealing with all of this really well. He was late home yesterday and was acting really weird, like he was affected by something. So when Bill called yesterday I just didn't know how to tell him. And today he's been drinking as well” He was still thinking about the part about Nate and Justin obviously talking about something they didn't want anyone to know and he wondered if that could be about Nate's drinking. Maybe Justin knew something he didn't.

Jen laughed inwardly as she at the same time felt like punching her brother if what Eric was saying was true. How the hell could he do this? This wasn't about him. Eric needed him. He had been sober for many years. Shit. Everything was such a mess. She sighed before continuing, “Even so, you should talk to him”

“I know. I just don't want to push him over the edge” He pulled off a splinter from the wall. 

“Well, then you make sure to secure him with a lifeline first” 

Eric nodded his understanding, fidgeting with the small wooden piece. “Helen” They both said in unison. She was the best one when it came to handle Nate's drinking as she was the best one of them when it came to tough love. He just hoped it wouldn't have to come to that. 

“So what happens now?” Jen spoke up. There were too many questions circling around aimlessly in her head. “Do you have an appointment with your doctor? Where will things go from here?” 

“Tuesday” he cut her off. “I'm gonna meet with him Tuesday and I guess” he shrugged his shoulders. “-I guess we'll see what happens then. Probably schedule a time for the...” His voice trailed off and he swallowed hard. “operation” It would be a bigger one this time, one where they would actually have to open up his skull. He didn't want to think about it right now. It was too much to take in all at once. He chuckled sadly. “And just think, I thought I was turning into my dad.”

Jen whipped her head towards him, not sure she had heard right. Eric's father was a subject they tried to avoid the best they could. To bring it up voluntarily wasn't something that belonged to the usualness. Apart from Nate, Jen was probably the person who knew the most about how deep Eric's history with his father went and all the damage he had caused on Eric. He had during a quiet evening and a glass of wine several years ago opened up to her about the reason for all the scars on his body. They had ended talking long into the wee hours. The revelation was probably one of the reasons why they were so close. That and a shared love for movies. “Why do you say that?” she tried keeping the shock out of her voice. She suddenly found herself wishing she had been there earlier. Maybe she could have helped. 

“I've been having these...I don't know how to explain it” He tried hard searching for the right words while Jen patiently waited. “I've been fighting a lot with Emma lately. We don't seem to get a long these days” he stated sadly. “And each time we fight I can hear myself saying things to her that...that my father used to say to me and I uhm...I hate it” The last part came from a place in him that was deeply tucked away and he could feel the tears burn behind his eyes.

“What things?”

Eric shook his head, he didn't want to cry again. “Like, I will not have you disobeying my orders and I'm gonna lock you up in your room. I think I might have even called her 'boy'” He hung his head low. “I hate myself for it” he said nearly inaudible. 

To Jen it sounded as a frustrated parent to a teenager but it obviously affected Eric more than that so she chose not to take lightly on what he was saying. “Does Nate know about this?”

“Some” Eric nodded. “I've had these dreams about him as well. I thought that's why I had the headaches, that I was slowly turning into him.” He laughed sadly. “How stupid is that huh” He drew a quick breath. “I was just so tired and in pain all the time. I never wanted to say those things to her” he started crying again.

Jen clenched her jaw, suddenly feeling royalty pissed off. After all the shit Eric had endured with his so called father she was damned if he was coming back to haunt him now. Eric was one of the best parents she knew and he deserved better than this. “Right, that's it. Come on” she said and crawled onto her knees. 

“I can't go back like this” Eric protested and wiped his hand under his nose, snorting a little. He needed time to gather himself. 

“We're not going back inside. We're going to my rental” 

“What for?” Eric looked questioning at her, not sure what was going on. 

“Because we're gonna get rid of that asshole in your head once and for all” She put her hands on her hips. “He is not going to destroy what you have built up. And you're going to tell him that” She suddenly realized that she was yelling. 

“Yeah right” he laughed but stopped himself when he saw Jen's determined face. “You're serious aren't you?”

“I'm dead serious” She stood up on her knees, waiting for him to get up. “Well, are you coming or not?”

“I can't just go see him. I haven't seen him since...I can't even remember how long it's been” He was convinced that she was crazy for real. 

“So what? You're gonna tell that piece of ass what you really think of him, get rid of him and then finally get some damn closure” She knew that was something he never had gotten. The last time he'd seen him was in the court room, testifying against him. Even though his father had tried he'd never agreed on talking to him. It had been a confusing time, filled with anger and sadness. After he'd seen his father been taken away from the court room that very last time, he'd sworn to himself to put him out of his mind and forget his existence. It had almost worked, up till the day when his father had wanted to make contact. Eric refused but his old man hadn't given up, until Nate's family had contacted their lawyer to make him stop. From then on, he had never heard from him again and though Eric tried his best to forget all about him, he was always there, more or less, in the back of his mind. Lurking. 

Those were the thoughts running through Eric's mind right then. Why would he put himself through seeing the bastard? But then again, maybe it could put a stop to his dreams and thoughts that haunted him. He blew out a lung full of air. “I must be crazy” he said and got up and followed a pleased Jen out of the tree house, the wind whipped at his tear streaked face. Only she could make him do something like this. 

…

The freezing wind caught his hair, making his perfectly combed strands dance around his face. Leaves kept falling above him, an inferno of murky colors cloaking the soil where he stood. His weather-beaten cheeks were red from the crisp weather, his hands were as ice and so he stuck them in the pockets of his coat, huddling up. He pressed up to the tree next to him which was soon going to reveal his hiding place if the leaves kept letting go of it. 

It was the perfect place, not too far away and not too close. He saw just enough and exactly what he wanted. He saw one person running out to the forest, another one soon following. Others were out playing with some kids. He stood there close to the tree for a long while when he to his great delight saw something else; a police car approaching. He watched the officers knock on the door, someone open and then they waited for several minutes before they entered the house and closed the door behind them. It didn't discourage him for he knew if he only waited long enough good things would happen. 

And now they did. 

He saw Nate getting in to the police car while all the other people looked on, now gathered at the front of the house. It wasn't something he showed just anyone but in his lonesome he did on occasion smile. And that was just what he did in that moment. Nate O'Connor would finally get what he deserved. His smile grew wider, even exposing some teeth, and as he did, the very last leaf let go of the tree, leaving nothing but bare, exposed branches behind. 

The cold winter was just around the corner. 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 20

The last twelve hours had been filled with confusion. Jen and Eric had disappeared, no one having a clue where to, Emma and her friend Ryan had taken off and Nate had been brought in to questioning by the police. And in the center of all of this was Helen, trying to make sense of all the turbulence. 

It was five o'clock in the morning and she rubbed her knuckles at her bloodshot eyes before taking another sip of her coffee. Extra strong. No milk. 

“Uhu. No, nothing. Not you either? Where the h..can they be!?...Have you reached any of their friends yet? Uhu. Ok, well I'll be here. Let me know” she hung up the phone with a deep sigh. Another unsatisfying call from Justin. 

He and Andrea had been driving around all night trying to find Emma who had magically disappeared. No question had the joint which Nate had shoved into her hand something to do with it. And most likely; Ryan as well. Justin had filled her in on what had been going on with Emma lately, and she had to admit that she felt out of loop when it came to her niece's life. 

She thought about it all and couldn't resist a laugh because of the irony of it. Three members of the Hagen family were suddenly gone and no one of them knew about each other either. She felt like giving them all a good smack on the head when they returned. 

Out of all of the three, Emma was actually the one she worried the least for. She was a resourceful girl and she had complete Helen that Justin and Andrea would eventually find her. Even though they had been driving around for the past five hours; all while keeping a constant telephone contact with her. Together they had tried figuring out which one of her friends they could contact to see if they might know where she could be, when they realized she didn't really have any one. Not that they knew of. In fact, the only one they had seen her hang out with lately was Ryan, and that would do little good this time. 

No, Emma wasn't the one she was worried about, it was both of her parents. Because when it came to them, she had lost all control and all she could do was wait. 

At least she knew where Nate was, even though that knowledge scared her to death. Belatedly informed, she now knew more than she had wished for. Confused, she had stood listening in on Nate's conversation with the police officers before they had brought him in for further questioning. There was something about a phone call to them that morning, regarding some student named Cassidy. Names which to her hadn't made any sense, until Justin had connected all the dots to her. Talking in private, he had explained just who Cassidy was and how he and another student had found her in Nate's office. The unsettling news shocked her to the point that she didn't even know how to react by them. How could Nate have gone all day and kept it all inside? No wonder he'd been drinking more than ususal. 

Helen had been working hard ever since he'd left with the police yesterday to get hold of the family's lawyer; Albert Pfine. She needed someone they could trust and she had complete Helen in him. There hadn't been much time getting into details with him, just that Nate had been brought in by the police and that he needed him down at the station. She figured it was better for Nate himself to explain what was going on. It would cause for less confusion that way. 

Then there was Eric, who she worried the most about. Not only because he had left without his medicine that controlled his severe headaches but also because of the way he had stormed out, she knew something wasn't right. No matter how hard she tried coming up with alternatives, she knew that whatever was gnawing at him, it couldn't be good. Even though Jen was a good listener and Helen was glad that he had her she also knew how her sister could be; flaky and irresponsible, always running away. Their departure had Jen's signature written all over it. Whatever stupid things she was up to she just hoped she would bring Eric back in time, before he'd be in too much pain. 

Rising from her chair her fatigue made itself reminded as the room swayed a little. Nothing another cup of coffee couldn't take care of. She threw a glance into the living room where Dan and Lars were sleeping on the couch as she poured herself another caffeine fix. 

They had insisted on staying and even though she had assured them they didn't have to she was now glad that they had. They'd been a tremendous distraction to Anthony and Carrie who were both seemingly worried of what was going on around them, even if they did their best not to show it, especially Anthony. She knew what the boy had gone through before he came to her brother and Eric but it saddened her that the marks still affected him. 

She shook her head clear, she didn't need those thoughts right now. She needed positive thoughts. Wherever she would be able to find them. She longed to be up on the horse back right now, letting the wind flush all thoughts away. Someone would need to go home to the horses' morning routine in a couple of hours. They were still getting used to their new surroundings and could be a bit cranky once in a while but it was all part of the charm. That's where she needed to be right now. To clear her head. 

She leaned back against the counter and took a sip of the coffee which was turning slightly bitter, the pot had been on for too long. Not that she cared right now. She heard footsteps descend the stairs and two seconds later Matt came in to the kitchen, joining her at the counter. 

“Did I hear the phone ring?” The house lay in a calm silence and his voice was a low whisper not to disrupt it. 

“Yeah it was Justin” Unwillingly to her, her body forced out a yawn. 

“And?”

She shook her head. “Nothing” There was a short pause between them. “How did it go?” Helen turned to look at him.

“It took a while but they're both out as lights again. Carrie cried for Eric a bit but it was alright.” Matt reassured her. 

“And Anthony?” It was he that had come downstairs an hour ago, unable to sleep and thereby waking Carrie as well. Matt had done a good job getting them back to dreamland. His calm way was a true gift. 

“I'm not sure. He's not saying much. It feels like he's not telling us something, or he's just being Anthony. This isn't easy for him. Let's just hope he gets to sleep through the night” Matt kissed his wife's temple. The way she'd been organizing everything all through the night, never faltering, he couldn't have been prouder of her. “Anne is sound asleep so no worries there” 

Helen nodded. “Good, good” she said, sitting down at the table again and giving the phone an intense stare. She let out a long, deep sigh. 

Matt stood behind her, “Come on now, it will all be ok. We'll sort everything out” She couldn't be giving up now. 

“I don't know” she said dejectedly, fiddling with the re-dial button on the phone. “I have this bad feeling about Eric”

Matt looked up at the ceiling, pressing his tongue at one corner of his mouth and sighing. He wasn't sure what to say. Sadly, he had the same feeling too. “Yeah...” he agreed silently, letting the word hang in the air. 

Helen kept looking down at the table. Her words came out slow and small as she spoke, “Ever since we found out about Eric being sick it's been like...like some goddamn domino game, only the bricks have been falling real slow up till now” She hid her face in her palm, frustratingly shaking her head. “I just don't know what to do” Her spirits were damped as she looked up at her husband, tears brimming her eyes. She closed them again. “I'm just tired” Her chest heavily heaved and deflated.

“What you need to do is go to bed” he said, shaking her shoulders gently. “I can stay by the phone for a bit” 

Doubting, she shook her head. “I don't know, I should stay in case Nate or Eric calls”

“I am capable to handle a phone you know. I'm also capable of waking you up in case I need you” Matt kissed her gently on the top of her head, a sighing coming from Helen in return.

She stood up. “You're right. I'm sorry. Here” she said handing him the phone. 

A yawn heard behind them and they turned to see Lars rubbing his one arm. “Have you heard anything?” Judging from his red eyes he clearly hadn't gotten much sleep either. 

Helen just shook her head. “No” she said sadly. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Lars hadn't said it out loud but he felt responsible for at least one person that had gone missing. 

Before Helen could say anything, Matt spoke up. “Well Helen is going to bed...” he said turning her by her shoulders, practically pushing her out of the kitchen. “- so I'm on phone duty. Care to join me?”

Lars nodded. They all shared a knowing look before Helen disappeared to Anne upstairs. The house felt dull and eerie and there was an unspoken underlaying current of frustration among them. All of them. 

…

Jen yawned and stretched a little and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Bending her neck both ways, she made it crack a few times. She turned the ignition on and pushed the button on the side of the car seat, coming to an upright position. It was dark in the car as the windows had gathered a layer of hard frost during the night. She looked at the digital display, reading 5:30, before she turned the ignition off again. It was early morning but it wasn't something she was unfamiliar with, neither was sleeping in cars. 

She watched Eric begin stirring in the passenger seat, fluttering his eyes open, coming to life. “Morning” Her voice woke him fully up. 

“What time is it?” he asked, voice raspy, not yet looking at her. He stretched his body to its fullest, pushing himself all the way to the backseat with his feet, almost bumping his head. He'd been folded up all night and his body was in knots. 

“Only 5:30. I'm rested. You?” she said a bit too cheerfully for Eric's liking and he just grunted an answer. 

When he'd been young and still living with his father, getting up at 5:30 hadn't been a problem, more of a rule in fact. But now as he was older and set his own times, he'd finally gotten used to sleeping a bit later, much to Nate's delight. 

He swept a hand over his face, shaking away tiredness. He too turned his seat upright. “So, what's the plan?” he asked, cutting right to the chase. They hadn't really touched on the subject, despite the very long car trip over since it seemed too unreal to be true. But here they were and it was time to face reality, he couldn't ignore it any longer. 

Jen casually shrugged her shoulders, a little pursing of the lower lip. “I don't know. I guess we just go in and say we'd like to meet Frank Hagen. I've never been to jail before. You tell me. I thought you had it all figured out, considering how quiet you were on the drive over”

He stared at her. “I've never been to jail either. And no, I haven't figured anything out. This was your plan” he muttered despite of himself, his hands fidgeting with the empty cup of coffee next to him, two golden arches on it. He was suddenly feeling nervous, and with that; a tad cranky. He sighed. “I'm sorry” The words sounded tired and he pinched his nose, a hint of an evil headache approaching. And then there was only thoughts of hell and damn, damn, damn.

“It's alright” Jen shrugged her shoulders. She looked over at him, seeing his unfocused expression. “Are you ok?”

“I forgot my painkillers.”

“Shit. How long can you be without them?”

He let out a humorless laugh. “I wish longer” He'd been ordered to take one each morning and usually he would sleep longer, blocking the early morning ache away but here it was, making itself reminded as to why they were here. 

Jen looked worriedly at him. “Do we need to go back?”

“No!” It came sharp and sudden, no doubt of what he wanted. “No” he said softer. “We're here. I'm gonna do this. Even if it kills me”

…

Nate sighed and teared at his hair which had become more messy for each hour that passed and by now resembled a real bird's nest. Warren. He was the reason he was here in the first place. Of course he wouldn't keep his mouth shut, not after the things Nate had told him. Justin had told him Warren had been there Friday, seeing Cassidy be taken away by the ambulance. He must have decided to let Nate take the blame for it. But he also knew the old grump could never prove it, he hadn't seen Nate leave his office. And therefore Nate knew it was safe to lie, the police didn't seem to know any better and they were desperately grasping for empty clues. 

“Look, I don't know what to tell you. I already said I wasn't there when she fell” He stared hopelessly with weary, bloodshot eyes at the detective that had been questioning him on and off again for the last eight hours. Sometime during the night, he had left Nate to himself for nearly three hours, just waiting, what was the point? In all honesty, he was a pain in the ass. And frankly, a bit full of himself. 

All he wanted to do was to go home. His whole body practically screamed for it as he kept squirming in the chair. At least the last hours of interrogation had sobered him up and made him realize that he needed to come clean to Eric. He also needed to talk to him to find out what was going on with him. Jen shouldn't be the one doing that. 

“Is there really a point to all of this? My client has answered your questions several times. Quite cooperatively I might add” It was Alfred who spoke and Nate would forever be grateful of his presence. He was an older, refined man who'd been the lawyer in Nate's family for years. He'd started working for Nate's grandma as a young trainee when she'd been running a development company, and from then on he had stayed with her, through other companies and through one or two personal affairs. He was good having around. “As I see it Mr. Hagen is free to leave if you have no other questions to come up with”

Detective Houseman stared back as the lawyer started to stand. He put two fingers to his chin and bent his head to the side, pretending to be pondering about something. “Just one thing. Why did your client threatened Mr. Bishop?” He bent forward, looking in his papers, “Quote: 'You're dead' End quote.” He smiled smugly and took a sip of his coffee. Houseman had deliberately waited to give them that line until they were tired. He didn't believe in the bullshit story his colleagues had told about a girl falling over accidentally. He was set on getting the whole truth. 

Alfred immediately sat down again. “I'd like to request a moment alone with my client” he demanded sternly, his lips pressed together. 

Houseman's smirk was still etched onto his face. “Five minutes” Loudly, as to make a point, he pushed out his chair and left the room.

Albert waited for the door to close before turning to Nate, raising one brow. “Is there something you'd like to tell me?” 

Nate's head sunk to the table. Time for the truth, and nothing but the truth. 

…

It might have looked like as they were driving around aimlessly, and maybe they were since they really didn't have a goal, but to them it was a drive of accurate precision. They had fine-tooth combed most of the streets of Langston, trying to spot two kids in occasional swarms of people having a good night out, in the dark streets behind the houses or out in the fields that surrounded the little town. They'd taken turns behind the wheel for hours, but still, there was no sign of them. Most people would have given up by this point. 

Andrea drummed her fingers against the round leather, hummed a little and cast a look at her snoozing boyfriend. He'd been awake all night and after some hard nagging she had finally managed to get him to at least close his eyes. Sleep hadn't been far away at that point. She noticed his eyes flicker under his lids, stirring slightly and she instinctively knew that there weren't any pleasant dreams behind his motions. She didn't blame him. During all of the hours spent driving they'd had time to talk. He'd told her things that had left her speechless for long minutes and other things that had left her boiling with anger. 

The things he'd told her about that student...it...she couldn't even find words for it. And Nate. Poor Nate. Did Eric know? None of them were sure about it. She was exhausted from the night and she wiped a lonely tear away that'd manage to escape when thinking about it all. What a mess. 

She glanced at the clock, 5:50, and wondered for how much longer they would be doing this. Would they just drive around till they found her? Who knew how long that could take. Even though she wouldn't voice her thoughts to Justin she was actually pretty ticked off with the object for their search party. The way she looked at it, Emma was behaving as nothing but a spoiled brat. A hurting, insecure teenager my ass. She was hurting her fathers and she knew it. 

The thought had barely escaped her mind when she turned her headlights into Liberty Alley – L'Alley – for about the 500th time that night. They had circled the area repeatedly in hopes that there was where they were going to be; among the party goers, the dodgy men coming out of the X-rated stores and the drifting, lonely people. The street was practically deserted by now as the street's club had closed about twenty minutes ago. A young couple stood kissing, or rather making out as tongues and arms were all over. A streetlight shone over them. The woman was firmly pressed to the wall. A hook up for the night, no doubt.

Seeing them, she questioned her own presence in all of this. She was far too young for such complicated problems. Or maybe was she exactly the right age? Eric was someone she cared deeply for and Justin someone where that affection was even vaster. Maybe her days of kissing guys at street corners in darkness only lit up by a single street lamp were finally over. Perhaps this was how it was suppose to be. 

She smiled at the thought that kept lingering a little longer than any other normal, random thought passing through and she lost her concentration for a second or two and suddenly there was a foot stepping down hard on the brake, a wall coming up way too fast, a quick maneuvering of the vehicle, someone shouting – perhaps herself – and then fast footsteps running away. 

Justin jerked awake, looking just as confused as Andrea felt. “What the fuck happened?” he said slightly out of breath.

“I'm not sure” A little shocked, Andrea sat gripping the steering wheel, steadying herself. “There was someone or something running out into the street” 

“Shit...” He let the word drop. “Are you ok?” He asked, his voice suddenly full of concern. 

“Yeah, yeah I'm fine” Her heart was still beating hard. She looked back over her shoulder, the kissing couple was gone and there was no sign of anyone else around either. Until she looked straight ahead, a little to their right. Quickly, she patted Justin repeatedly on the arm. “Look, look, look.” The words jumped out of her mouth. “That's them isn't it?”

Justin didn't have time to answer before he'd unbuckled his seatbelt and was practically leaping out of the car, not bothering to shut the door. Andrea followed him suit. 

“Emma!” Running towards the two figures in the dark alley he kept repeating her name. “Emma!” 

The person hovering over the one laying on the ground whipped its head up when hearing his voice and instantly took off. Justin knew something wasn't right and it took him only a quick second to verify that it was indeed his niece laying on the ground. Then, his instincts took over and he started chasing after the bolting person. 

It happened in seconds and it was as if something snapped inside of him. He was fed up with all of the imploding happening around him and wasn't about to let this be another thing added to the list. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins and he could hear his own heartbeat ring in his ears, as loud African drums monotonically beating to the rhythm of his feet. He hadn't run this fast since high school and he was surprised his legs carried him. It was as if he was flowing above ground, faster, faster, the drums getting louder, more intense. His breathing hardly keeping up.

They rounded the backside of Lipz; containers, cardboard boxes, high grass and weed, empty beer cans, dirty water puddles, stinking garbage and an abandoned bike passing by his vision. He had to jump past some of them to avoid collision. There were thoughts of 'stop, please stop' rushing through his mind but he needed all energy he had to keep on running and the words never slipped past his lips. 

He was closer now, nearly there, he could practically reach out his hand and touch the dark hoodie. Just a little bit...Then, he fell. 

The fall was hard and sudden but he was quickly back up on his feet, still pursuing the chase. But it was too late, the man, boy, whoever, had an advantage of at least 150 feet now and Justin's right knee left him slightly halting after the fall. However, he remained courage all the time up till the point when the person ahead of him faced a fence, easily climbing over, and vanishing behind another building. Trying to take another route, Justin searched for the person without any success. 

“Fuck!” he screamed into the dark air. The chase had been lost. 

Limping, he found his way back to where he'd started, the car was still running, the headlights shining brightly on the wall before them. 

He heard Andrea's voice half argue, half pleading. “Come on Emma. Come on, just sit up” She tried pushing the girl's back into a sitting position but the limp body mumbled something and kept falling backwards. 

Justin was on his knees next to them. “Emma!” He shouted. “Emma!” He slapped lightly on her cheeks, receiving nothing but a groggy slur. “Come on now. Wake up.” The color on her face could be described as nothing else but green. He looked worriedly at her as he helped Andrea to get her to sit up. 

“Emma, where's Ryan?”

Her eyelids fluttered, nothing but a white globe behind them. “Who's Ryan?” she managed to squeeze forward, her tongue nearly hanging out; bringing the image of a dog to mind. Her body kept rocking from side to side and her limp head struggled to follow. 

“We need to get her to the hospital” Andrea spoke up. 

Frowning, Justin met her concerned gaze before looking back at Emma, nearly shouting this time, “What have you taken?” He slapped her cheeks again. “What have you taken Emma?!” 

Instantly, and a bit to their surprise, she stopped moving and opened her eyes wide at him. She remained quiet, staring at him.

Justin looked at her cautiously. “Emma?”

Then, she hurled. Barely opening her mouth a cascade in technicolor heaved out of her and Justin sidestepped to avoid it. Andrea pushed her forward to prevent getting everything in her own lap. She was on all four now, emptying most of her stomach's content. When she was done, she sat back, pulled her sweater's sleeve over her hand and wiped lazily at her mouth with the back of it. Her intakes for air came strained and heavy. 

Justin grabbed her arm. “Come on, we need to get you home” 

She pulled her arm back. “I'm not going home!” she shouted and with a surprisingly speed sprung to her feet. She dashed towards the car, Justin following. 

“Don't be stupid Emma! You're going home and that's that!” 

“Stay away from me!” She screamed all while she kept her eyes on Justin who stopped a few feet away from her. “I'm not going back there!” One, two, three slow steps backward. 

Lowering his voice, Justin coaxed. “Come on. Where are you going then? You can't stay here” He took two steps forward, she, three steps back. Somewhere behind him he noticed Andrea turning the car's ignition off. 

Distraught, her look turned to the ground, her eyelids suddenly feeling heavy again. “This is bullshit” she whispered, nearly getting by Justin's ears. Squinting, her eyes darted over the pavement through a narrow slit. “Bullshit” she said a little louder with a grimace where hurt lay beneath. One step back. 

“Come on Ems” he reached out his hand, almost brushing his fingertips at her arm. 

She jerked back. “NO!” She ran out into the street. “This is fucking bullshit!” She screamed from the top of her lungs. No one really knew where the sudden energy came from. “They're all liars!” 

Justin ran after, trying to catch her. “Who are?”

“I know!! I know everything!!” Emma continued screaming. 

“Justin look out!!” It was Andrea's turn to scream now.

Justin whipped his head round, facing into two approaching headlights and without thinking he threw himself at Emma, dodging the speeding car by a few inches. The car zigzagged over the road while the tires shrieked to a halt. It stopped for a few seconds before it reversed and quickly drove away. Shocked, they all looked at it disappear. 

Andrea ran up to them. “Are you ok? Are you ok?!” Worriedly, she patted Justin's body for any signs of injury before she did the same to Emma.

“Let me go” Emma squirmed, trying to get out of Justin's grip who held her in a tight embrace. When he refused letting her go she dropped to the ground, taking him with her. All scrunched up, her face displayed nothing but painful emotions. “I don't wanna do this. They're all lying. This is bullshit. I know, I know” she kept repeating when the tears came flooding down her cheeks. 

Before even thinking, Justin opened his mouth to ask what she was talking about but giving it a second thought, he immediately closed it; he already knew the answer. And there was nothing he could do but pull her in close and let her tears soak his shirt. 

Her body shivered under his arms and there were big, ugly tears running down her cheeks. Her throat hurt from holding back the agonizing screams she wanted to make. She tried pushing them out but only half-heartedly attempts came forward, and so the shivers became more violent. “I don't wanna do this” she sobbed into Justin's shoulder. “Don't want all the bullshit” Her voice was small now, filled with hurt. 

He could feel her shaking her head in the nape of his neck. At a lost on what to do, one single thought crossed his mind and he firmly lifted her head and held it in place, locking his eyes to hers, staring intently, “Then help me do something about it”

…

“What do you mean we can't get in right now?” Jen's voice was unapologetically loud and the people behind her in the queue frowned at her. Eric's cheeks flushed a bit. Even though married to Nate, he could never get used to the two O'Connor siblings' demanding ways. 

The guard sighed. “As I told you, you need to have an appointment which need to be made at least four days prior to your visit. You don't have that. Therefor I can't let you in” He had explained it in the same calm tone twice already. 

Jen leaned in a little closer to the window and discretely slipped him a fifty. “Maybe this will help” she whispered. 

“Mam, I'm going to ignore I just saw that. Please take it back.” He firmly pushed it towards her. 

Apparently, what worked in less civilized countries did not work here. “Fine” she muttered. “If that's how you want it” 

Eric tugged at her arm. “Come on Jen. Let's just go” 

“Well jeez Eric, we've driven all night, and you need to see your father!” She angrily stomped away. 

Confused, he looked at her and followed her to the car they'd parked close by. His head was keeping up an even pounding. She leaned against the car, rolling some loose gravel back and forth under her shoe. He leaned next to her. “Just forget about it. There's nothing to do”

With both eyebrows raised she looked up at him. “Oh come one, we drove all night. You were gonna tell that bastard how you really feel. You can't tell me that you're not a little pissed right now”

Eric looked at her, really thinking over what she'd just said. And he suddenly realized there was really only one correct answer, “No. No I'm not” It was a bit surprising but it felt right and just like that, he knew why. With a short explanation to Jen he got in the car by himself with nothing but a pen and paper as company. Jen patiently waited outside. 

After nearly an hour he got out of the car, Jen was nowhere to be found. He walked back to the guarder's gate and once again waited in a short line of people. When it was his turn he simply pushed a folded piece of paper to the man behind the window. “Could you see that this gets to Frank Hagen please? It's important.” He emphasized. 

The guard looked suspiciously at him for a second. There was determination and pleading in the blue eyes that met him. “Sure” he nodded with a hint of a friendly smile. 

“Thank you” If he couldn't meet the man he once had called father, writing a letter was the second best thing. Because even if he hadn't known what to say to him, he'd realized there was something that he needed to explain - 

I'm not really sure how I should start this letter. A simple 'Hi' seems too normal for the letter I'm about to write. 'Father' seems too inaccurate, for a father you are not to me. Not anymore, if ever. 

This is Eric writing to you, but I bet you've already figured that out. I am actually standing outside the gates of the prison writing this. My sister in law and I have driven all night to be here. But now they're not letting us in. And frankly, I'm a little relieved. I'm not sure I would have been able to see you. It's been over twenty years since I did. You are nothing but a stranger. 

My feelings toward you are very mixed, even till this day, and that is one of the reasons for this trip. I had this foolish idea to tell you exactly what I feel about you. Face to face. But when we found out that we couldn't even get in I suddenly realized I don't even know you anymore, so how could I possible know how I feel about you?

I know the past you. I know the things you've done that I can never forgive. But I don't know the person you've become and therefore I shouldn't be so afraid of becoming that as well. You see, the last couple of months I've been walking around feeling afraid, having nightmares about you. You of all people. Being afraid that just because I'm yelling at my daughter I would suddenly become you. I can't believe it took me a trip all the way here to realize that's not true. Because you are no one. You are nothing but a simple ghost created by my mind. 

I'm determined to not let you affect my life. And certainly not my family. I do have a family, I'm happily married with kids but that is all I will tell you. 

They say there comes a time in every child's life when they realize their parents aren't immortal. I never had that with you. Then there comes a time when you realize that you self aren't immortal. That time for me is right now. It's a time to be spent with the ones you love and not a time to be wasted on worries.

So, I'm writing this letter not to say I forgive you for anything but to say to myself that I'm letting you go. I don't even know you and therefor I am not you, and I never will be. Life's too short for anything else.   
…

Albert looked seriously at Nate, the seconds were ticking fast before their five minutes would be up. “Nate, I need the truth here. What's really going on?”

Nate shook his head, a laugh nearly escaping his lips. It was all too tragic he could do nothing else but laugh. “I don't even know where to start” He said amusedly. 

“Just start from the top, why did you threaten this Warren Bishop? Is that why he called the police? Does he have some sort of grudge to you? The cops got nothing on you from what I can tell, so he can't have told them anything of importance about what happened Friday.”

Nate teared at his hair again. “Oh he has a grudge alright.” Nate stared at his lawyer. “He hates me because I'm gay and I have weird teaching methods that disrupts his perfect little world.” He said sarcastically. 

“So why did you threaten him?” Albert was still trying to sort the nest of questions. The truth was he hadn't had much time to get updated at all, but this was too big to be left out.

“Because he spit in my face after we had an argument”

“What argument?” Albert's questions fired off fast. They needed to speed this up. 

“About Eric. My family. He wished we were all in hell basically.” A slight laugh of pain. 

“Why?”

“Because I was mad at him. He'd left this post-it note on my door saying Eric was in the hospital after he'd collapsed. I was furious that he hadn't told me in person and I wanted to teach him a lesson that you just don't treat people like that.”

“And that's why he spit in your face?”

“Yes”

“Anything else?” Albert kept scribbling down short notes. 

“Well, I might have said that I was glad his wife was dead”

Albert stopped his pen from moving across the paper and looked up at Nate with interest. “Must have been quite an argument”

“Yeah it was. God knows what might have happened if another colleague hadn't walked in.” He said thoughtfully, reminiscing the day. 

Albert took a few seconds to ponder about what Nate had just told him. “Well it doesn't seem like they have anything here. The police are just fishing in empty water really. But for the record, don't go around telling people you wish them dead.”

“Got it” 

“Now this Cassidy. You are telling the truth right, you weren't there when she fell?”

Nate couldn't really look at his lawyer anymore. 

“Jeez Nate.” Albert rested his head in his hand. “You can't lie to the police. Not without my knowledge anyway”

“Well I can't tell them the truth either. No one would believe me!” he hissed. He tried calming himself to keep his emotions in check. 

“Why not?”

He took a deep breath before laying all the cards on the table, “I think she drugged me” He shook his head. “No, I know she drugged me” Albert's eyebrows knitted with deep concern as Nate continued, “The only thing I can't figure out is why she hasn't said I was there to the police. She obviously want me harm, why not use it?” 

“Perhaps she has, perhaps they're just not telling us” Albert stated. 

…

The supervisor looked suspiciously at Cassidy when she walked past him. Scrutinizing eyes that knew all too well that she wasn’t suppose to be on his floor were glued to her neck as she disappeared into the long corridor, leading to the wards. What she had been doing among the offices he would never know as his beeper went off and there were more important things to take care of. 

Cassidy kept a smile plastered on her face all the way through the hospital until she was safely outside, only then did she drop it as a heavy rock. The envelope she had been looking for and so victoriously retrieved clung tightly to her chest. 

She had spent the last hour turning the house practically upside down, methodically of course, careful not to leave a trace, searching for it as she’d been convinced her father was hiding it. Now she knew she'd been right. 

A little guilt seeped through her mind when she thought about what she had done to him, but she really had no choice. He'd been watching her like an hawk all weekend. That was until she'd suggested for him to put down his morning news paper and instead join her in the living room to watch a movie. She had brought him a cup of hot tea in the opening scene of 'The Misfits' and another one when Marilyn Monroe screamed “Murderers!”. Two cups with an extra flavor that would keep him sleeping for a long time. 

She had to do it she convinced herself, even though she had never done something to him before. But this time it was absolutely necessary, she couldn't risk him going in to work, she needed to get there before him. 

Cassidy stopped at the supermarket across from the hospital. She looked at the envelope in her hand, a pang of anger and disappointment shooting through her. It wasn't fair of her father to do this. She'd had a feeling that the medical rapport he had shown the police had been false and she'd known she needed to find it. All she needed now was a stamp so she could send the police the correct one she thought when she looked around and saw the police building at the horizon. But why wait so long for the post service when you could do things yourself? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch. 21 

Justin looked at Emma sleeping peacefully on his couch. It was hard to believe that only few hours ago they had been out shouting on the streets, dodging a speeding car and trying to get the very intoxicated girl home. The only evidence left was the bucket next to her on the floor, which he'd emptied a couple of times already. 

He should have been sleeping as well since he knew his energy would be needed when she decided to wake up. However, there was no chance of that happening, not after what she'd said, his mind kept spinning, trying to straighten the jumbled thoughts in his head. 

“Hey” Andrea sauntered into the room, speaking softly. Her slippers never lifted the floor and a yawn escaped her lips. “Aren’t you coming to bed?” She pressed a gentle hand onto Justin’s shoulder. 

He never took his eyes off Emma. “In a minute. I just wanna make sure she’s ok”

“She’s fine. She’s been sleeping straight for an hour now. Come on, we need to go to bed, it’s nine thirty.” She glanced at her clock. “That’s 25 hours of sleep deprivation. It’s been a long night. And day” she added with a sigh. 

Justin gave her nothing but a short answer, “Yeah” He took a sharp intake of breath and turned to her. “I’ll be there in a minute ok” He pressed a smile. “I just have some things to sort out”

He could tell Andrea wasn’t very pleased with his answer and a moment passed where they stood staring at each other. Andrea’s eyes darted between his left and right eye, trying to read what was going on behind them. An unsettling feeling churned in her stomach. 

“J…” She started hesitantly. “You’re not going to do anything stupid are you? What she talked about…” Her sentence was cut short as he averted his eyes away from her, answering her question. She swallowed hard and whispered, “Promise me. You can’t do anything stupid. Promise me” There was desperation in her voice. 

He looked back at her, the smile a little wider, and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be in in a minute” he marked and there was nothing else for her to do than turn around. A worried frown wrinkled her forehead. 

With Andrea gone, Justin sat down next to Emma, patiently waiting for her to wake up. When her eyes fluttered some he helped matters along and slightly shook her shoulder. She grunted some and tried turning away but the narrow couch wouldn’t let her. Her eyes shot open, a bit bewildered. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked, confused as to where she was and she let her tongue swirl round her dry mouth. It took her a second or two before her memory caught up with her. “Oh”

“Emma, I need you to answer me something” He wouldn't waste any time. 

“Can’t it wait?” she whined. “What time is it?”

Justin ignored her request. “The so called bullshit you talked about…” He stared at the floor, “…how much do you really know?” he turned his eyes to her. 

This woke her up. “Enough”

“And what does that mean?”

There was a sudden anger in her eyes as she sat up with a struggle, she was still feeling nauseated and a bit drunk. “It means” She clenched her teeth. “That I heard dad take a call from his doctor Friday when you were home. And I also saw on my tapes daddy trying to drink that night. I also know what secrets you and him are sharing. And neither one of them are talking to each other because they’re too damn afraid of the truth!” 

Justin was about to interrupt her but she continued, her voice a bit louder, “Furthermore, I also know that no one is telling me anything! I’m a grownup damn it and no one is letting me in! So everything anyone is saying is all bullshit! You’re all liars, all of you! And you’re lying to each other as well!! BULLSHIT!” she spat in his face. 

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose. Telling her that she was far from a grownup wasn’t really the time. Neither was trying to correct her feelings. Instead, he focused on another thing she’d said. “What tapes are you talking about?”

“I’ve been filming dad. When he first started taking the Advil. I hid the camera in the kitchen. I just wanted to have some proof. Then I never removed the camera.” 

It suddenly dawned on Justin that she must have seen, and possibly even heard, he and Nate talk Friday evening. “Oh” was all he could think of to say. It was true he and Nate had a secret. It was also true Nate and Eric were lying to each other, even though she seemed to know more about to what extent. 

He prayed Eric hadn't received a call from his doctor Friday and not told them about it, because it could only mean one thing. But deep inside, he knew she was right about that as well. He sat silent for a while, trying to gather his thoughts and figure out what this all meant. That's when an idea hit him and he lifted his gaze to her, a spark in his eyes. “You might never get your fathers to stop lying to each other and all you can do for Eric is be there. And Emma you need to. You might not think so, but he do needs you. You can't affect those things more than that. But there is something you can do to help Nate out”

Her interest piqued and she cut a yawn off midway. “What?”

“We're gonna need that camera of yours” Even if it was weak; he smiled. 

…

“Well thank god for Justin” Dan said and pulled his jacket a little tighter. He and Lars were in the middle of a conversation about the Hagen drama that was happening around them. It was like standing outside a circle, looking in, nearly being able to touch the disaster but not really reaching as far to give enough of a helping hand. 

After Justin had called, declaring they'd found Emma there had been relief among them all. He and Andrea had taken her to Justin's apartment and Helen had finally been able to relax some more, heck, they all had. To give her and Matt some extra peace they had offered to take the kids to the park. Mainly to keep them distracted. Maybe even themselves as well. 

“Yeah” Lars sighed. He'd remained more quiet than usual during the night and morning which had been spent pretty much sleepless. 

Lars pressed his jaw together and it took one look from Dan to know what his partner was thinking. Again. “It's not your fault Eric took off. He'll be ok. Jen is with him”

They looked at each other and chuckled despite the somber situation; 'Jen is with him' wasn't exactly the best of reassurances. 

Dan nodded at Anthony, pushing Anne's swing. “Maybe we should follow their lead” 

“Sure, but you'll push” Lars teased and made an uncharacteristically dash toward the swing. 

Carrie looked at the two grownups playing at the swings and shook her head. All of them had gone mad it seemed. For once, she felt like being alone at the sandbox, playing with a few abandoned cars that laid scattered. She silently hummed to herself, making new roads in the sand for the cars to drive on when suddenly a small Papillon jumped into the box with her. It was brown and white with a perfect shining fur. It danced around her, tongue hanging half way out. She didn't know if she was going to be happy about the beloved company or sad because it was ruining her roads. It didn't take long before she opted for the first. 

“Hey doggie” she exclaimed happily, reaching her hand out trying to pet it but it wouldn't let her. 

Barking, it jumped out of the sandbox and waved its tail at her. Intrigued, Carrie followed it. It kept running back and forth over the lawn, closely around her legs and just a few feet in front of her before it took off. Carrie looked back at the swings, knowing she shouldn't walk too far. 

Suddenly, she heard a voice call out, “Abigail! Abigail!” It was quiet for a few seconds before it continued, “Come here Abigail. There you are, that's a good dog”

Curious to see where the dog had disappeared to, Carrie followed the voice and saw a woman scooping the dog up into her arms. She just wanted to see the cute dog a little longer so she stood watching it being cuddled by the owner. It was then the owner looked at her, a little surprised to find someone watching her but soon enough there was a smile on her lips. She stepped forward and bent down to Carrie.

“Hi there. Were you the one who found my dog?”

Carrie nodded a bit, biting her lips together, she knew she wasn't suppose to talk to strangers. 

The woman kept on smiling kindly and got down on her knees in front of Carrie. “Well this is Abigail” she said, holding the dog closer to Carrie. “Thank you for finding her for me, I don't know what I would have done without her.” She looked at Carrie who still didn't say anything. “Would you like to pet her? She's really nice” Still no word from the little girl. “I bet your mom told you not to talk to strangers huh? She's a very smart woman your mom.” she smiled. “Well it was nice meeting you. Abigail says bye” The woman waved a little with the dog's paw in Carrie's direction. 

“I don't have a mom” Carrie blurted out before slapping her hands over her mouth in shock, knowing she had done something wrong. 

The woman chuckled at her. “Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.” She grew a bit serious. “How come you don't have a mom?” 

Slowly, Carrie removed her hands. “I don't know” she shrugged her shoulders. “I have two dads” she grinned. “They're great!” The worry over having done something wrong was vanished. 

A slight surprising look showed on the woman's face. “I see. Are they here right now?”

“No. I'm here with my brother and Anne and Lars and Dan. They're over by the swings” she said and turned, holding her hand out to point but found that she couldn't see them, some bushes standing in the way. 

The woman let down Abigail on the ground again and she immediately played around Carrie's legs once more, eliciting giggles from the girl. 

“She likes you” The woman's eyes shone friendly. “You must have a dog at home, you're very good with her”

“Na-uh. My dads won't let me” Carrie let out a deep sigh, shaking her head at her hopeless fathers. Why couldn't they understand that she could take care of a dog?

“Aww I'm sorry. Would you like to pet Abigail?”

Carrie eagerly nodded her head and the woman gathered the little dog in her arms again, holding her out for Carrie to touch. She slowly ran her fingers through the soft fur. It felt comforting. 

Before they knew it the dog squirmed out of her grip and ran away. The woman sighed, looking as the dog ran towards her car. “She always does that” She stood up and looked down at Carrie. “Do you wanna go get her with me?” 

Once again, Carrie's lips were pressed together and hesitatingly, she looked back at the bushes. 

“Come on, let's get her” The woman reached out her hand for Carrie to take. “I have some chocolate cupcakes in my car, you can have one if you'd like”

And just like that, Carrie slipped her tiny hand into the hand of the woman with the nice smile and the high ponytail.   
…

Nate watched as the dark Lexus drove away. He was thankful that Albert had agreed to go along with his plans of not telling the police that he had in fact been there when Cassidy had fallen. It was a big risk, but it was one he was willing to take. 

All he needed to do now was figuring out what to do about Warren and Cassidy. Maybe he could talk to them somehow. No, that was stupid. He'd already tried that. He needed to stay the hell away from them. Do what Albert had told him. Maybe they could move. Chicago perhaps. He'd always liked that city. Or New York. No, running wasn't the answer. Besides, Eric's doctor was in Langston, they couldn't leave him. Too many thoughts jumped around in his head. It was exhausting. What the hell was he suppose to do?

Tell Eric. Just tell him. Hopefully he was home, he thought as he opened the door. He called out but no one answered him back. He'd barely gotten his jacket off when the phone rang.

“Nate”

“It's about damn time!” barked a voice at the other end. 

Barbara.

“Hey” Nate's voice was quiet.

“I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. Why can't I get through to your cell? What the heck is going on Nate? Thom told me something about Cassidy being in your room? And an ambulance getting her. Were you there?”

Straight to the point as always. He took a deep breath, he wasn't sure he could deal with this right now. “Uhm..I...yeah she was gonna borrow a book and fell. I wasn't there.” He felt awful lying to her. 

“Thom heard some people had seen you run out of your office with your shirt open” Fuck. He hadn't thought about that possibility. He hadn't even noticed people around him at that moment. “I told him we had to talk to you. Shit Nate”

“I..I..I can't talk about this right now” he said hanging up on her, slightly panicking. He leaned back at the kitchen counter, steadying himself. Shit. Maybe running away wouldn't be such a bad idea after all? They could find a new doctor that was just as good. If Eric even needed a new one. Maybe he was ok. 

Deep in thoughts, he almost didn't hear the door open and someone call out his name. It was Helen. He could immediately tell something wasn't right and all of his panic was in an instant settled in his chest as a hard, big rock, pushing at his lungs and making it hard to breathe. He stared at her tear streaked face. “What's wrong?”

She fought hard not to let any tears spill right then. “You need to sit down” she said in barely a whisper. 

…

Jen kept both her hands on the steering wheel, gripping hard as she stared at her brother and Eric's house. After another long drive back they were finally home. They had both noticed Lars and Dan's car still being parked outside. 

“So” she couldn't help a slight chuckle escaping her lips. “How much in the doghouse do you think we are?”

Eric smiled, letting a silent snort fill his lungs. He crossed his arms, looking towards the house as well, which seemed very quiet. “Well, considering we didn't have a phone with us and didn't find one to call from...I would say a lot. Nate's gonna chew my head off” He smiled a little wider when he realized he really wouldn't mind because mad or not, he just wanted to be with his husband right now. 

“Yeah that's what I thought” she laughed before it subsided and she grew serious. “I'm sorry things didn't work out as we'd hoped” She looked honestly at him. 

He shrugged his shoulders, staring into empty space. “I don't know. Maybe it was for the best” He really wasn't as disappointed as he thought he might be. Even though he hadn't been able to see the old man he had still accomplished what the trip was all about. “I guess sometimes you need to travel far to get some answers” he said thoughtfully. 

It had been a long day. Exhaustion was settling in as the ache in his head was getting worse by the hour and he was glad they were home again. He knew what he needed to do, tell Nate. He shook his head at himself, regretting he hadn't done it sooner. Life was just too. damn. short. “Thank you Jen”

“For what?” She looked puzzled at him, that was the last she'd expected to hear. Not after pointlessly dragging him across the state and back. 

“For making me realize things that were just in front of me” Quickly he leaned into her and kissed her cheek. “I better get in there” he said, unbuckling his belt. 

“Yeah and I better drive back to Helen's and face the music” They shared a mutual smile knowing Jen was probably in for a bigger scolding before Eric closed the car door and Jen drove off. 

He took a deep breath before he opened the door, he could do this. The reprimanding he could take but the 'be the bearer of bad news' was something worse. Especially when he was the bad news. He stepped inside, the house was just as quiet inside as it had looked from the outside. No kids running around, no Nate yelling after them. “Hello!?” he shouted out but there wasn't an answer. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it up. “Hello?” he tried again. That's when he heard a faint whimper come from the study and he instinctively knew something wasn't right.

Carefully he approached the room. “Nate?” He pushed the door open. “Nate are you in here?” He didn't need to ask again as he found his answer laying on the floor in a lifeless heap, a vodka bottle next to him and the guilt of it all being his fault came rushing back to him. Panicked, tears immediately started flooding his eyes as he bent down next to him. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry I shouldn't have taken off like that” He gathered Nate in his arms. 

Nate's body stiffened and he turned to the person holding him. “Eric?” He was confused, no one was suppose to be here now. 

“Yeah it's me” He could feel the breath of alcohol on Nate's lips as he pressed a kiss to them. Relieved he was awake, he was desperately seeking for forgiveness. “I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry” 

Nate pushed himself out of his embrace, shaking his head. “Please don't. It's all gone. It's all my fault.”

Eric looked confused at him. “What are you talking about?”

Nate grabbed the collar of his shirt, frantically shaking his head. “There are things you don't know.” He started bawling uncontrollably. “I should have told them sooner. I'm so stupid. So stupid.” 

Real worry was settling in to Eric's stomach and the hair in his neck was rising, he suddenly felt cold all over. He grabbed Nate's hands. “What exactly have you not told me?” he asked carefully, afraid for the answer. 

“My student Eric. My student. She drugged me. And the police, the police. They talked to me. They think I did something to her. But I didn't Eric, I didn't. I swear” He looked at Eric with wide, wild eyes. 

It was all too much to take in. “I don't understand” Eric looked at his husband, trying to decipher what he'd just told him. What student? The police? 

If possible, Nate's whimper got even louder after that. “Eric, she's gone.”

“Who's gone?” Eric shook his head, Nate was speaking in riddles. 

There was a undeniable expression of pain across Nate's face. “Carrie. She's gone. She's gone.” he kept repeating. 

More out of fear than confusion Eric got up on his knees and took a hold of Nate's shoulders, violently shaking him, a bit to his own surprise as well as Nate's. “You're not making any sense!” he yelled loudly. 

Nate's body was limp as Eric let him go. “She was playing with a dog one minute, and the next she was gone” he cried, backing himself into the wall. 

A dog. As the truth slowly dawned on him Eric stood staring at Nate for what felt as minutes of silence before he fell headlong to the floor, letting out a scream of a hurt animal that penetrated through the walls and echoed over the serenity of the pond outside.

… 

Thump, thump, thump.

She rode the horse hard and fast. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get out and think. She needed to feel the wind hit her cheeks as she flew over the frosty fields towards the pond. Faster, faster. 

Thump, thump, thump. 

It couldn't be true. Carrie couldn't be missing. The pain she had felt when they'd told her was nothing compared to the pain she'd seen on Nate's face when she'd told him. It was unbearable. 

Thump, thump, thump. 

Nate had thrown her out. Maybe it had been for the best. She knew he would self-destruct, probably with alcohol, but if there was ever a time to let him, it was now. No one could have stopped him. 

Thump, thump, thump. 

Lars and Dan were devastated as they'd left with the police to take them back to the park and to answer their questions. Anthony and Anne were confused as they'd followed Matt home. She had called Justin to tell him. There had been tears among them all. So many tears.

Thump, thump, thump. 

And Eric, where was he? They hadn't heard anything from them all day. He needed to be home. He needed to know his daughter was missing. The dominoes had all been knocked over. Who the hell could put them back in place again? 

That's when she heard it; a howler so startling it made the horse halt and rise on two legs, throwing Helen off with one last hard thump. 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 22

'Theodor the teddy bear' laid alone on the floor, tossed where ever it had landed from a child's play. The constant smile still attached to it and the arms stretched out, awaiting a hug that wouldn't come. 

Eric couldn't take his eyes from it. It looked as lonely as he felt. 

His Care Bear was missing. He was walking around in a haze, feeling nothing. Just numb. There were no tears anymore. No shouting. Nothing. Just emptiness after a river of all emotions possible. The sun had fallen and risen again, the clock had kept on ticking, people had kept on coming and going, he had answered their questions but without really registering his answers. The river was empty, dried out. 

Nate who usually was his rock wasn't there. Physically yes, but emotionally, no. He'd hit him when he'd tried reaching for another bottle. Not hard, but enough to get his point across. In his intoxicated state he'd kept on blurring things out about a student. After several hours it had finally started making sense and he also realized Nate hadn't even been home when Carrie had disappeared. He'd been with the police. And then the guilt had washed over him, like a ton of bricks falling from the sky and burying him deep, deep underneath. What if they had been home? What if, what if, what if. His heart pounded in rhythm to each of his questions. 

However, it wasn't the biggest question eating at his mind, no, what he wondered the most was who could have done such thing to his baby girl? Who would want to harm her so badly? Or rather, harm them? He'd gone over it again and again and again, trying to think of every possible scenario from people he might have crossed during his years. Desperately seeking for clues he'd even started to play with the idea of his father receiving his letter and somehow managed to track his family down, but he soon realized that would have been a too much of a well skilled thing to do, even for an old murderer. Especially since Carrie had vanished before he'd given the letter to the guard. 

Albert had been with them the most during the night, he'd talked to the police, trying to find out as much as possible. Not that there was much to know. Just that a dog fitting the description Dan had given it had been stolen from a supermarket earlier that morning. It was at least something. 

Nate had called the police idiots and wanted to throw some money at a private investigator to try and find her instead. And for once when it came to Nate's will to spread money, Eric had agreed. Albert had immediately taken care of it. 

Helen had taken it from there. They had talked only once since yesterday, and strangely, he felt a bit relieved. Even though he could tell she hid it well, her voice was sad and a part of it lacking of hope. It was enough seeing the sad faces around the house without having to deal with sadness over the phone as well. The one face that had really broken him wasn't Nate's but Emma's as she'd come rushing through the door yesterday, quickly followed by Justin and Andrea. He'd barely registered the state she was really in; dirty clothes, alcohol on her breath and tangled hair as he'd grabbed her and just held her, both of them crying together. And it had felt so good, finally breaking through a wall in front of her. He only regretted he wasn't able to take care of Anthony right now, he knew how scared he must be, he should have his kids close to him but at the same time he wouldn't allow Anthony to see what was happening to them all. For the time being he was better off staying with Matt. 

One of the floorboards creaked behind him and he turned, it was Jen cautiously approaching. He wasn't sure how long she'd been here this time. But judging from the car keys in her hand and the ruffled hair, his guess would be; not long. 

Jen faced Eric's deer in headlights stare. “I was just at the hospital. They just got the proper cast on” Eric gave her a small nod and turned back to staring into Carrie's room. She wished Helen could have been here right now, she'd know what to do. Although, she had threatened several doctors of suing the hospital if someone didn't examine her stat, shouting she had better places to be. Unfortunately it hadn't worked as well as she'd wished for and she'd been waiting for several hours before someone could confirm that she had one broken leg and broken coccyx. It didn't look like she would be getting out of the hospital for at least another day. 

She'd ordered Jen to get her her cellphone, that way she would do what she could, hospitalized be damned. She was the one having conversations with Albert since both Nate and Eric seemed too dazed to make any sort of decisions. She was the one giving final approval of the chosen private detective. She was the one yelling at the police to do better and she was the one swallowing back tears when trying to be strong for others. 

“Where's Nate?” Eric wondered, still looking at Theodor. He hadn't seen or heard him for at least an hour. He wasn't sure where or what he was doing, but he didn't have the strength to find out either. They'd been crying together, yelling together, been shocked and mad together. Now, they just needed to be apart for a little while. 

“He's in his study. I'm not sure, but he might be sleeping” She wasn't surprised really, he'd been up with the police the previous night and almost all of this. Fatigue must have finally knocked him out. She was worried about Eric not getting any rest, he was the one who needed it. 

“Oh” Eric pressed his lips together, and knitted his brows as if pondering. “Can you write him a note saying you took me to LNTV, I'm gonna meet Andrea there, she just called.”

Jen eagerly nodded. “Of course. Anything.” 

Eric took a deep breath and for the first time he stepped over the threshold to Carrie's room, his bottom lip slightly shivered. He nodded to himself, Andrea's idea was a good one, he just needed to bring himself to do it. He got down on his knees and let out a small whimper as he picked Theodor up. He pressed the little bear to his face, breathing in Carrie's scent while a tear soaked the bear's brown nose. His whole body started to compulsively shake, the river suddenly damped again and tears were back with fierce. 

Jen was quickly by his side, gripping him hard. “We'll find her, we'll find her” she kept repeating, praying to God it wouldn't just be an empty promise. 

…

Justin looked cautiously at Emma who at least seemed to have regained some of the color back on her face. During the past day it had gone from being green out of nausea to white as a sheet after the news of Carrie had reached them. Even if the color wasn't blushing red at least at hint of pink had sneaked back onto her skin. 

They had sped to the Hagen household as soon as they'd heard about Carrie. It was all he seemed to be doing these days, rushing to the rescue. It was just one disaster after the other one with this family. They had all been out of their mind. Andrea had immediately taken action by declaring she was going to LNTV to put together a film clip for the station to air. She'd been calling him non stop ever since, asking when it would be safe to call Eric. No time was safe. 

The few hours of sleep they had all managed to get yesterday morning was starting to take his toll and Justin opened his eyes wide to keep awake. 

“Where are we going?” Emma had been quiet up till now. 

“Just to a girl I know. She's gonna help us” Justin steered the car towards the place where he'd dropped Elisa off the other day. An idea had been brewing in his mind since Friday and after speaking to Elisa, he knew he'd been able to pull it off. As it turned out, he'd learned that she wasn't just skilled when it came to having her nose in the books but she was a real wiz when it came to the more technical stuff as well. The computer engineering class was as easy as tying a shoe lace she'd shortly explained to Justin.

Pulling up to the driveway, Elisa stood waiting for them just as she'd promised. 

...

“Rodriguez! Anderson! In my office! Now!”

The two police men looked at each other, each of their stares accusing the other one of various wrongdoings before shrugging their shoulders in a clueless manner and following Houseman into his office. It was a tiny one in a corner of the station, blinds half closed blocking curious eyes, two messy piles on each sides of the desk and two smaller, neater ones closer to the keyboard. The paper bin was full of everything else but paper. The chair squeaked as he rolled it across the floor. 

“Sit” He ordered and pointed with a pen towards the duo. They were used to his direct way of approach and knew better than to object. Houseman unbuttoned the top of his shirt and tugged a bit at each end of the collar. “Damn, I've told the wife to ease up on the starch. Gives me a fucking rash” he complained and scratched at his neck. 

Rodriguez couldn't help but laugh silently to himself. Every time their tough ass boss was in the slightest bit of misery he couldn't help but enjoy himself. 

Houseman threw his feet onto the table while Anderson stretched his posture, tucking back his shirt into the front of his pants. “I got something to show you” A pen was bobbing from the corner of his mouth as he spoke. “This was handed to me an hour ago” He handed over a big envelope. “Apparently someone brought it in and it's been circling around the station all morning, god knows how many have seen it” He didn't sound too happy about it. “Looks like we have a little liar on our hands”

Anderson took the envelope, slowly opening it, much to Rodriguez's annoyance who drummed with his fingers on the chair while Anderson skimmed through the papers. Finishing his read, he looked up at Houseman as Rodriguez snatched the papers out of his hand. “Or two liars more like it”

Rodriguez pursed his lips, nodding to himself as he'd finished his read. “Interesting” he mused. “You think there's any truth to this?” 

“You bet your ass it is!” Houseman raised his voice and somehow got mile long arms and stole back the paper from across the desk. “I never trusted that teacher, this proves it”

“And I never trusted the doctor” Rodriguez agreed and couldn't help but cast one 'I told you so' look Anderson's way. A satisfied smile accompanied it. 

“Two liars. Possibly three. Let's find out why shall we?” Houseman smirked and pushed his legs down to the floor with a resolute thud. “Time for some hunting. My favorite sport” He laughed crudely and wiggled his eyebrows. 

…

Eric took long and determined steps across the floors of LNTV, bustling through people who were casting pitiful looks his way. He couldn't decide if he wanted to run and hide or just knock the looks out of them. Jen was protectively trailing behind, taking twice as many steps to keep up the fast pace. 

She took a few jogging steps up next to him. “Eric, please slow down a bit. I need to talk to you” She pleaded and tried stopping him by grabbing his arm. 

“What?” Eric turned, slightly annoyed. Surely this could wait, he thought. 

“Have you taken your painkillers?” Her eyes reeked of worry. If he wasn't going to look after himself, she was gonna have to do it for him. 

Slightly confused, Eric looked at Jen with an empty look to his eyes as if not grasping the question. “I don't know” he said slowly after pondering about it.

She could feel her heart cramp, seeing him so lost, it was heartbreaking. “Well, are you in any pain?” Jen pressed, putting her hands to her sides, swallowing back her tears. 

Eric quickly shook his head, his voice slightly rising. “I don't know” 

“Eric, you must know if you're having a headache, it's important you take them...”

“I don't know ok!” he raised his voice and started walking again but turned within one step, pointing his finger at her. “I can't feel anything ok! I just want to find my daughter!” he screamed, a few curious heads turning toward him. 

“Ok, ok” she said gently, holding her hands in front of her as a shield, trying to calm them both. After this she needed to get him home as quickly as possible she thought, there was another important task that couldn't wait any longer. “Eric, you need to tell him. You need to tell Nate about your cancer.” she whispered the last words, discretion advised. “I know this isn't the best of times...”

Eric shook his head quickly. “No! I won't do it. Not now. That would kill him” He didn't want to go there in his thoughts. 

“Well what about what it's doing to you?” She raised her voice, anger seeping through it, and looked sternly at him. It made him quiet and his eyes averted from hers. It was evident his mind was processing everything. 

“I'll be fine” he said at last and turned away from her. 

He walked up to the door to the editing room, giving it a light knock which Andrea answered, letting him in. Jen followed. Eric hadn't expected anyone else besides Andrea there and when he saw Lars he grew quiet. The air was thick as butter. Deep down inside he knew it could have happened when anyone would have been watching her. But it had happened on Lars and Dan's watch and no matter how hard he tried, Eric had a hard time looking at him. Slowly, he sat down on one of the chairs furthest from him. “So what do we got?”

Surprisingly, it was Lars who spoke first. “I was out shooting the park where she...disappeared. And the store where the dog must have come from.” He ignored Eric's cold stares the best he could, he didn't blame him for it, he'd met himself with the same look in the mirror that morning. 

Eric only nodded his response, not willing to address him. A slight sweat was breaking through his forehead. 

“We'd like you to say a few words. It would have a better impact.” Andrea looked cautiously at Eric. “Do you think you're up for that?”

Again, he nodded. “Yeah” he swallowed back the lump in his throat. They had a picture of Carrie playing on a swing set and it was hard to look at. “Is the studio free?” he asked, trying to keep his focus on the practicalities. 

“Yeah I just checked” Lars answered. 

“And McCoy has already scheduled for it to be aired during the news and every commercial we run until we find her” Andrea explained. It had all been McCoy's idea from the beginning. 

Eric pursed his lips tight together, nodded ever so slightly, tears brimming his eyes. “Thank you” he whispered, grasping 'Theodor the teddy bear' tight in his hand. 

Andrea stood up. “Alright, let's do this” She let out a small sigh, knowing more emotions were to come. 

…

Matt closed the bedroom door behind him and gave a deep sigh of relief as he leaned back against it. It hadn't been easy getting his wife to agree to bed rest even though it had been doctor's order since she'd demanded to go home early while she was all fired up; a hurricane sweeping forward in a mist of phone calls to pretty much everyone they knew. Now, he'd retrieved her phone and finally managed to get her to rest. He wasn't proud of it but a sleeping pill in her warm milk had helped matters along. He just had to get the damn stubborn woman to sleep! A mule was reasonable in comparison. 

He was also tired. The last 40 hours something were impossible to even describe. To be honest, he wasn't sure he kept up with everything going on but he did the best he could to be there and right now, that was taking care of Anthony. He'd been with him ever since yesterday, mostly watching him as he sat on their couch, staring into empty space. He wasn't sure what to do, what he needed was his parents, but neither one of them were capable of taking care of him right now. That was probably not the way Anthony saw it. 

Matt couldn't help but ache for the boy as he carefully approached him. “Hi buddy. What are you watching?” 

Anthony shrugged his shoulders without taking his empty stare away from the TV, currently set on the Food Network.

Matt sat down next to him. From what he'd experienced, sometimes it helped just sitting. Anthony looked up at him with big, sad eyes, wondering, “Do you think they will find Carrie?”

Matt thought carefully about what to say before he opened his mouth, and before he spoke he sighed a little. He wanted so badly to tell him the truth, to say that he didn't know, he didn't know anything, but instead he heard himself say, “Of course they will. Who else will make the Halloween cards?” It was a sad smile emitting from Anthony, but still; a smile. Unfortunately, it was quickly swept away by another, deeper, frown. He put his arm around the little boy and pulled him closer. “We'll have her home in no time”

Anthony sat still, pressed up to Matt's body for a while before an unexpected question came from him. “Will dad die?”

Matt looked down at him. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the boy was worrying about his father. “Your dad is just not feeling so well right now, he's gonna be fine” He prayed to God he wasn't lying to him.

Anthony kept fiddling with a piece of Lego he held in his hands. “Tim says you die when you have cancer. His aunt had cancer and she died. And my dad got it too” His lower lip shivered and the sad eyes got possibly even sadder. 

Surprised, Matt shot both his brows up. This was news to him. Surely Helen would have told him if she'd known anything? What if no one knew? Concerned, he looked at Anthony. “Buddy, who says he got cancer?” As far as he knew, Eric was still waiting for his doctor to call him. 

Anthony looked down in his hands, knowing he'd done something he shouldn't. Matt detected the reluctance. “Buddy, it's ok. It's just me here” He assured him and gave him a small nudge to his side. 

“I eavesdropped” The little boy admitted, something he'd been taught wasn't a nice thing to do. 

“On who?” Matt was eager to know what was going on.

“On Aunt Jen and dad in the tree house. Dad said he had cancer.” When he closed his eyes he could hear his dad's voice clearly, repeating the words. 

Matt stroked his hands over his face, feeling his stubbly cheeks against his palm, and slowly sighed. Shit, shit, shit. Not this as well. They had been praying and hoping so hard that it wouldn't turn out like this. 

Tears were now rolling down Anthony's face and he crept closer to Matt. “I'm scared” he admitted quietly. The Lego piece fell out of his hands as he hugged Matt tight. 

Shocked, he stroked Anthony's arm. “It's gonna be ok. Everything will be ok” he tried convincing them both, because now was not a time to admit that he was scared too. Before Anthony could see it, Matt wiped a single tear away. 

…

Elisa Rourke had lived in Langston her whole life. Unlike most of the people her age who did nothing but complain when being asked about where they lived, Elisa found the small town pleasant. It worked well with her personality. It wasn't big enough to get lost in and it wasn't small enough to be seen in. 

Ever since being a young child, avoiding people had been something she had always mastered. It wasn't that she didn't like people, it was more that people didn't seem to like her. Ever since kindergarten she'd been teased for the way she was and it hadn't stopped until she started college. People had always found her odd, even her own mother once told her she was 'special' and the kids in her school used to sing rhymes of her lanky body. “Smelly Elly” was a well used name for her. She'd been the center of a lot of unwanted attention growing up and she was glad about starting college and get away from it all. 

That was until she'd met Cassidy. 

Just the way she liked it, it was seldom attention was averted to her in the usual drama among the Langston residents. But lately, she had been following the unfolding drama between her so called friend and Mr. H, and now she was even dragged into it. And after all Justin had told her, she knew that Cassidy was definitely not a friend anymore. 

She wasn't really aware of the damage Warren had caused but judging from Justin's words, they could might as well make his life a little more troublesome too. 

It was late in the afternoon when Justin, she and Emma, Mr H's daughter, had sneaked into the corridor of Warren's office, going unnoticed. There, Emma had practiced her skills with a hair needle before pushing Warren's office door open, letting Elisa sneak in. 

Elisa looked at the door, hoping Justin was keeping his promise of standing guard outside. It had already gone about ten minutes, the password of Warren's computer had been easy to crack, she couldn't believe the amount of unsafe passwords there were floating around out there. People were idiots not protecting themselves better. She wasn't one to break the laws like this but even she had to admit, it was quite thrilling. 

Once past the password she got cracking on her other assignment, which wasn't really a hard task purely computer wise. For her mind it was something else. She'd downloaded pictures from several shady sites and she was now changing the dates and time of when the download supposedly had taken place, all adding up to his schedule. She avoided the best she could for her eyes not to catch a glance at the images. 

Finally done, she turned the computer off, feeling pleased with herself. She'd placed the images where Warren wouldn't think to look but at a place where the school's supervisor Henry would be able to find them. And if he didn't she might just have to tell him herself. He was one of the few people she had actually talked to more than once at school. 

She opened the door and removed the gloves she'd been wearing. Justin was leaning against the window opposite from the door, pretending to check his phone. “It's done” she said slowly. A hint of satisfaction behind the words. 

Justin didn't look up. “Thanks” he said with a small smile on his lips. Then she walked away. 

… 

Maybe he was drunk again, he wasn't really sure. Why else would he go back to the place that had started this whole mess? At least that's what it felt like. Before the events in his office, everything had been fine, so it must be this place that was contaminated. He barely noticed people looking concerned, or was it appalled?, at him as he staggered towards his room. His phone had to be there. What if the kidnappers had called it? He needed to find it so he could find out. 

Luckily, the door was unlocked as he'd no idea where his keys had wandered off to. Without even closing behind him, he made a beeline towards his jacket, still hanging on his chair, and hastily felt through his pockets. There was no phone to be found, no matter how many times he checked them.

Pinching his nose, he mumbled to himself. “Think Nate, think. Where did you put it” His mind was too filled with concerned to be able to find such memories and he sighed heavily. 

That's when the door suddenly slammed shut behind him and he whirled around faster than lightning. No. “What are you doing here?” he asked more out of fear than anger and within a second he had sobered up.

Cassidy tilted her head to the side, studying Nate a few seconds before she spoke. “You made my father lie again.” She unbuttoned the first two buttons of her crisp, white, shirt. “I don't like when he lies” She took a step towards Nate. 

“What are you talking about?” His face frowned, he couldn't keep the fear out of his voice as he took a step back. This girl was crazy. 

A tear was rolling down her cheek. “I thought you would be different. I thought you would like me. But no one ever likes me” she said slowly. Two more buttons came undone as she stepped closer.

Frozen to his spot, he stared panicking as she ripped one sleeve off of her shirt and popped the rest of her buttons as she violently teared her shirt off. “What the hell are you doing?” He asked, not sure his voice was heard. He needed to get out of there. 

“My dad is not gonna lie this time” With an empty look, her eyes were staring at him. “I'm gonna finish what I started”

Nate shook his head, trying to focus on what was really happening. “Look, I'm not sure what sort of issues you have with your father or what you've started but whatever it is, just please leave me out of it. What have I ever done to you?”

“You let me down. Just like all the other ones. I'm not gonna let that happen again.” She teared at her hair. “No one ever gets it!” she yelled, pointing her finger at him and took two fast steps closer to Nate, nearly making him jump backwards. 

Behind his back, he was gripping the window frame. “Just calm down Cassidy. I'm sure we can talk things through” He struggled with keeping his voice steady. “I'm not the one you want to hurt”

Her eyes were transformed and there was nothing human to find in them anymore. “You don't get it. It's because of you I'm here. Or your husband!” she spat. 

Baffled, Nate tried making sense of what she was saying. “What does Eric got to do with this?” 

“Everything! I figured it out. I figured it all out.” she waved her arms. “If he hadn't started digging in my brother's past my father would have never known where to go look. It's always about my brother! He doesn't even deserve to be here!” 

“Your brother?” Nate was more than confused now, thoughts were flying all over the place in his head. 

Cassidy didn't listen to what Nate was saying but kept going on. “And then he forces my father to stay here by getting sick even though he can't find my brother. We should be gone by now. I shouldn't be forced to keep him this long.”

Nate's frowned face turned wrinkle free and all he could do was stare at her. “Haywood” he whispered. He couldn't believe he hadn't connected the dots before. 

Cassidy suddenly slapped herself across both cheeks, hard and repeatedly, making each hit echo throughout the room. The slaps coloured her face red. 

Nate's fear suddenly turned into some sort of concern and he stepped towards her, forcing her hands to stop. “Stop it! What are you doing?” he shouted. 

Cassidy looked down at her wrists, seeing the dark marks Nate had caused and gradually, she started laughing. She looked up at him and eventually stopped and turned the laugh into a smile. “Did you know how easy it is stealing a dog outside a store?” she asked, eyes crazy. 

Instantly, Nate's whole body turned cold, the air itself turned to ice, all concern and fear wiped away. He followed her eyes as they sought out the photo of his children behind his desk. 

“Maybe you should have gotten her a dog earlier” she smiled wider. 

And just like that, anger was the only emotion Nate felt as his arms reached up around Cassidy's neck and pushing her into the bookshelf. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER!?!?” he yelled, only a few inches away from her face which was turning whiter by the second. Her mouth was gasping for air, her tongue nearly falling out. “ANSWER ME!!” he shook her head violently but the only answer he got were the sounds of death rattles slipping past her throat. 

Just in time, the door opened and in stepped Thom, closely followed by Houseman. “Nate!” Thom yelled, causing him to release Cassidy who fell to the floor. Thom immediately rushed to her, making sure she was ok. She gasped for air, which eventually reached her lungs once again.

“Wow, looks like I caught two flies at once” Houseman fired off his signature smirk. He motioned at one of the officers who had accompanied him. “Arrest him” he pointed towards Nate. He stepped right up to him and started reading the words one only heard in films “Nate Hagen I'm arresting you on suspicion of assault...” He threw a look at Cassidy and continued “...an possible rape and homicide attempt, anything you say can...” 

The rest of the words died in the turmoil of his own confusion and he met Thom's gaze which read nothing but horror. 

…

Bill's body lay slumped over his chair, drooling from one corner of his mouth. Before him stood a nearly empty cup of tea that had long ago gone cold. The house was quiet, all but a low sound coming from the TV. A sound from the neighbor's lawn mower suddenly erupted, disturbing the silence, and Dr. Haywood woke by a jolt, feeling as though his heart would jump out of his chest.

In dismay, his eyes dotted around the room, feeling utterly bewildered. He could taste his dry mouth and quickly he wiped the drool off with the back of his hand. Trying to stand up, a headache hit him like a sledgehammer. Unwilling to sit he powered through it when going around the house. Searching if he could find anything. By that meaning Cassidy. He tried calling out her name but no words would form. His head was spinning around, making him feel as a visitor at an amusement park, when he tried going up the stars, heavily leaning on the banister. 

“Cass...” He tried again, his voice shrill. He cleared his throat and tried again “Cassidy?!” It was more steady this time, but still no answer. 

A cold chill made his way up his spine, and before he reached the top of the stairs he turned back for his office, instinct taking over. She'd found them. She must have found them, he thought. Entering his office, he opened his top drawer looking for the keys to his office. Not there. He went out into the hallway, searching the pockets of his coat, nothing. Neither the kitchen, under the couch, in the bedroom or bathroom turned out to be any luck. He needed to go to the office right now, hell knew how he was gonna manage to drive but he needed to somehow. 

He teared the door open, ready to burst out of it when his body came to a sudden halt. Outside the door stood two police men, one with his fist raised, ready to knock the door. 

“Mr. Haywood?” One of them asked. 

“Dr.” he responded confused. 

“We need to talk” Without getting an invitation the two police men made their way into the house. 

The older one of them took a look around the house. Unaware of Houseman's recent find, Anderson asked “Is your daughter at home?”

Bill shook his head. “No”. Perplexed, he looked between them. “What exactly is going on?”

Anderson continued, “We we're hoping you could answer us that down at the police station, we need you to come with us.” Anderson looked suspiciously at the man before turning to his colleague. “Take a look around the house will you, make sure she's not home.”

Rodriguez for once did as he was told and made a quick scan over the rooms. Each of the rooms more fancy than the other. Damn doctors, he thought, crinkling his nose. He peeked in to the room that must have been his daughter's when Anderson yelled from downstairs, “Get a move on will ya!” 

Rodriguez turned and with heavy steps went down the stair again. “There's no one else here” he stated. 

Anderson “Then let's go” What Anderson hated most of all was waisting time on things that were already obvious from the beginning, and he was never one to hang around a crime scene unnecessarily.  
Most of the time it worked out but today was a day when his instincts were off. 

Because if they had only listened a little more carefully they would have heard a faint whimper behind the closet door. A whimper of a little girl trapped in darkness. “Daddy. Daddy”

It was cold in there and her small body shivered. She pressed up to the bigger body next to her and tried talking to it again. “Wake up. Please. I wanna go home” she cried and pushed the body, hoping that it would move this time. “I want my daddy. I wanna go home” she repeated. It was too dark to get a proper look of the person's face but she could tell it was a man next to her. When he didn't answer she took his hand, her small fingers barely reaching around his fingers. She squeezed it for comfort and just as she did, one of the fingers twitched. 

...

Eric lurched out from LNTV, surprised his legs still carried him. He was exhausted all the way into the bones and on top of everything his head was spinning. It wasn't until he got outside and felt the fresh air that he could really feel himself getting nauseous. He barely made it to the park across the street before his body made dry heaves, emptying the little he had in his stomach. Food had been the last thing on his mind the last day. 

Jen ran concernedly after him, stopping behind him and rubbing small circles on the small of his back. “Are you ok Eric?” What an utterly stupid question she thought and mentally hit herself over the head. 

Eric leaned over a fence, lined with bushes. For some reason, it felt difficult breathing and his breaths came in short, rapid intakes of air. A sudden fear struck him; what if these were panic attacks coming back to him? He hadn't had them since he'd been in his early twenties, again, thanks to his father. In fact, he was surprised they hadn't payed a visit earlier. He tried taking deep, long inhales and shook his head at Jen, “I don't know, I don't know” he repeated. “I think I need to sit down” he said and turned around on shaky legs.

“We should take you to the hospital” She demanded. 

“I'll be fine in a minute, besides, I'm going there tomorrow” he tried reassuring her. “I just need to go home to Nate now” he said, voice slightly slurring. 

Jen quickly caught him as he staggered a bit and helped him down to the pavement. “I got you” She was surprised by her own calm to it all. Perhaps because she realized if it had been her going through what Eric was she'd probably have a much stronger reaction than this to all of what was happening. It wasn't until Eric's breathing started coming in really short breaths, his body completely shivering, when she started to be concerned. 

“Come on, I think we need a hospital right now” She tried getting him to move, but getting his tall body standing wasn't an easy task for her 5'3”. 

Eric lethargically shook his head. “No, need to tell him. Tell him about he cancer.” Jen was right, it couldn't wait anymore. “He need to know.”

Jen nodded her understanding and managed to push Eric onto his feet. “You will, I just want to get you to the hospital first” she pushed. There was no way she was gonna drive him home like this. 

Eric's head hung low. “No more lying. Carrie's gone. I'm just...so...tired” His last words were barely spoken and as he looked at Jen she saw something frightening in his eyes making her heart jolt. Then, Eric' eyes slipped back into his head, only white showing before everything went black and he fell onto the ground. 

…

Henry pushed back his big, black specs that had once again fallen down on the tip of his nose, took another sip of his coke and turned a page of the new Green Lantern edition. His legs were flung up on the table with all the monitors and his office chair was tilted back as much as possible. Working at LU's computer department was the perfect job really, he was suppose to supervise the students activities, looking for inappropriate data and so on. Just finishing college himself and having been pestered one time too many from his own supervisor, he let most of the student's misbehavior slip. Instead he stayed cooped up in his little closet space that wasn't worthy of the name 'office' and read his magazines and occasionally worked on his own comic whenever he found the inspiration. His friends were jealous to say the least. 

Every now and then he would make up some bullshit story to Jo-Ann that he'd reprimanded a student and withdrawn their computer pass for a month, that was the highest punishment he could give. She seemed happy with what he told her and no one really bothered to check if his words were true. 

He wasn't suppose to, but just for fun he'd set up a supervision script that scanned all the teacher's computers as well. Looking through them was something he usually entertained himself with during lunch break when he was bored. Today was a particular slow and tiring day, having been up queuing for the new WoW release in the middle of the night. It was a four coke minimum kind of day. 

Tossing the magazine onto the desk he plunged his feet to the floor, cracked his knuckles and let febrile fingers run over the keyboard. He hadn't looked at the files since last week and there were plenty of material to go through. He started with the boss herself; Jo-Ann's latest internet activity showed surfing for rather sexy, laced lingerie. He couldn't help but whistling and he tried imagining the clothes on her body. Damn lucky husband. 

Next was Thom's computer, usually a worse snooze-fest than Warren's, and this time was no different. The only thing that had happened there were more pages of construction sites and weird formals getting downloaded. 

Mr. H's computer hadn't much activity in it except for some worrying IM-ing to friends. Something about a Eric being sick. Boring as well, he thought and moved on to Barbara Brown. Unknowingly to her, she could usually amuse him. This time being no different. Seemed like she'd been entertaining herself being out on different kinds of porno sites, mostly kinky stuff and also placing orders in their web shop. A strap on caught his gaze. “Freak” he laughed to himself. 

He looked at a few more and was ready to close down the files when he spotted Warren's name. He was going to skip him but perhaps there would be some more angry complaints from students or churchly letter exchanging asking how he could deal with his indolent pupils. What an old fogey, Henry sniggered, shaking his head. 

However, this was a day when he would find anything but emails getting passed back and forth. Today his eyes grew wide at his findings, making the hair on his neck stand and his heart beat faster. He quickly closed the screen, not believing what he had seen. This did not belong to the normalities. Hastily he stood up, pacing the small room, one hand on his forehead. Panic started creeping into his mind and thoughts of getting fired because of his little set up worried him. 

He slapped his face. “Get it together Henry. You're not a bad person” And so, he grabbed his keys, heading out the door to Jo-Ann. 

…

“Bill!? Where's Dr. Haywood?!” Dr. Sitrahara screamed. He hadn't been in all day and she'd sent several people looking for him, as he had patients to see. Up till now they had been able to re-schedule thank god, the only damage being a few sour faces. Nothing had been too critical, up till now. This was a small hospital and a small town, they couldn't just pull a neurosurgeon out of a black top hat. “Someone find me damn Haywood!” she screamed again. She was a damn fine doctor but she was no neurosurgeon and they needed one right now. Before it would be too late. “Charge it to 360 joules” her voice demanded “We're losing him here!” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 23

After seeing Nate and Cassidy being taken away by the police the school's faculty had been busy running about, getting some answers as to what was going on. Somewhere in the middle of it stood Thom as he was their only witness. Jo-Ann had spoken to him a long time, trying to get the answers the police couldn't give her. But there were non to give. Thom was just as confused as the next person. After a long afternoon he had finally gone home to Barbara, who was still oblivious to the happenings, having been out on a field trip with her students. 

That's where he was right now, getting his head bitten off “Why the hell didn't you call me sooner?!” She waved her arms. 

“Well what good would that have done?” He muttered at her tone. “Can I come in or not?” She was blocking the door, probably not even noticing it. 

“Only if you'll have some wine with me, I need to open a bottle” She turned for the kitchen letting him follow. “Turn the TV on, is the news on right now?” She was not one who usually followed the news, finding it way too boring. This time, she needed to make an exception. 

Thom turned on the small TV on the kitchen counter, switching it to LNTV's channel. There was the reporter standing in front of LU. 

The six o'clock news anchor spoke in her significant news voice, making everything sound of high importance. 

“The people of Langston are shocked today when news reached them about an attempted rape at Langston University by one of their professors.”

At least they'd left the homicide part out, Thom thought to himself. The image cut to a segment where people out on the streets had been filmed, raising their voices. 

“It's a damn shame when our youth can't even be safe in school” an older woman said, sounding very upset. 

There were a few comments from other people before they cut back to the news anchor. 

“The school is making no comments about the incident other than that the teacher has been suspended during investigation”

Thom and Barbara both stared at the screen. Barbara was the first to break the silence. “Do you think Eric knows?” Barbara asked uncharacteristically quiet and handed Thom a wine glass. She took a liberal sip of her own. 

Thom didn't get a chance to answer before the screen showed another police car pulling up next to the school, at first, unaware to the reporter. A police officer seemed to be carrying a computer when coming out from the building and putting it in the back of a police car. Out came another one and that's when the image started moving, a hand got in the picture, pointing behind the reporter and so she turned, bustling over to the place of action. She was panting slightly as she spoke in to her microphone “It seems like the police right now is confiscating some computers, we're gonna try and see if we can get a comment”

Barbara squinted her eyes at the screen. “Isn't that Henry? What's he still doing there?”

Thom shrugged his shoulders. “Helping them unplug the computers?” he suggested. 

“Can't they do anything themselves. First they arrest the wrong guy and now they can't even unplug some computer by themselves” she said angrily and took another big sip. “They're hopeless”

Before she could continue her rant the reporter now had a police officer next to her and was just about to ask a question when another police came out of the building this time with a man in handcuffs. 

“WARREN!?” Both Thom and Barbara screamed in unison and she waved her arms so vividly wine went flying. 

…

Justin had received the news of his brother being arrested by the gossip going around school. It was claimed he was being arrested for rape but Justin knew better than to believe in idle gossip. He'd gone to the police station but hadn't even been able to talk to Albert so he knew there was no point in staying. He'd made contact to Helen, letting her know what was going on. Between these news and her keeping contact with the private detective searching for Carrie he could practically hear her jump out of bed.

Now he was watching the school from a distance, along with Emma who'd been at his side the whole afternoon. For a moment he had regretted they had started their vengeance on the wrong person, but now, as Warren was lead out in handcuffs, not so much. 

“That's one down” Emma said.

“One to go” Justin smiled. “Grab your camera”

…

It was Andrea's second time in a very short period of time looking for a missing person. After they had finished the info film, she, Lars and Dan had been searching the streets of Langston even if there was an unspoken understanding between them that their search was in vain. No one abducting a child would be stupid enough to hang out on the streets. Most likely they were hiding somewhere and it wasn't like they could enter every house they passed to search their basements, attics and other little nooks. If she was left in Langston. She could be anywhere by now. They did their best though, ringing door bells and holding up a picture of Carrie to whoever answered. No one had seen her. 

Andrea was out on Edmond Street now, the place where her Grandma once had live, the street in Langston that held most of the expensive houses. She was at the end of the street, only one house to go, so she walked up their drive way stopping at the mail box and read 'Haywood'. The name seemed familiar somehow. She pondered about it for a second, not being able to place where she'd heard it, before going up to the big wooden door giving it a ring. The big, fancy car was parked in the garage so she hoped the residents would be home. No one answered. 

Disappointed, she backed away from the house, looking at it a bit. Having lived in an apartment all her life, there was something about a big house that always seemed a tad scary to her. Like how you could so easily get lost in the dark. She hated the dark. There was a window slightly open on the second floor and she thought about how easy it would have been to climb up to it and break an entry. People needed to learn to be more careful, even in a small town. Maybe that was something to do a segment on at LNTV she thought to herself. For a moment she thought she heard a voice calling out for her daddy from inside the house but it disappeared as quickly as it came. She shook her head, she'd started hearing voices. It was fatigue playing tricks with her she thought, turned away from the house and head back to Nate and Eric's house, or as it had lately been renamed: The Head Quarter. 

…

Inside the house, in the very dark that scared Andrea sat little Carrie. She'd tried making another attempt at calling for her daddy after she'd heard someone ring the doorbell but there seemed to be no one in the house to answer. The body next to her hadn't stirred again, her stomach was screaming from hunger and her cheeks were moist, having cried because she had wet herself for the second time. It wasn't long before she fell asleep again from exhaustion, hoping her dreams would come as a welcoming release from the small space she was in. 

...

Only a few minutes after Andrea had left the Haywood house, a car slowly moved down Edmond Street and came to a stop across the street from the house. Two pair of eyes stared at it from inside the car. 

“Looks like someone is home” Emma said, nodding to the open garage. 

Justin bit his lip, unsure of what to do. They needed to do this now, when he still knew Cassidy was at the police station. “Ok, here's what we'll do. I'll go up and ring the doorbell, if someone answers I just say that I'm a friend of Cassidy and that I'm there to borrow a book” 

“Isn't it better if I'm the one to do that? Being the one who's gonna plant this thing I mean” she said, holding up the camera, her black nails clutching it, the skulls were nearly gone now. 

Once again, Justin bit his lip. “You sure you're up for it?” There was a slight worry behind his eyes. He couldn't bare the thought of putting Emma in any kind of danger and god knew what kind Cassidy could inflict on her. 

Emma answered by opening the door and grabbing the camera. She winked at him and closed the car door behind her. Justin sighed. Cautiously, she approached the house, hoping no one would answer the door. Pushing the door bell twice, no one did. Justin watched her as she turned to him, shrugging her shoulders and then disappearing behind the house. “No, no, what are you doing?” he whispered to himself. He sat on needles before she came round the house again from the other side. She looked up and he spotted what she must have been looking at; an open window on the second floor. No way she could reach that, he thought. Barely had the thought crossed his mind when he saw her starting to climb the rain pipe. He couldn't bare to look and he squinted his eyes, only half looking. He took a sigh of relief when he saw her one foot swing over the windowsill. She was in. He was surprised at how easy it looked. 

Pleased with herself and thanking her practice of climbing out of her own window at home, Emma landed with a soft thud on the floor. She immediately came to her feet and giving the room a quick scan, she soon realized she had hit jackpot right away by climbing in to Cassidy's room. It was quite a large room decorated in soft colours. In one corner stood a big bookshelf, books neatly in two rows on each shelf. On the other side stood a big double bed, big, soft, white and bright purple colored linen perfectly matched. There was a small reading corner, a place for a make-up desk and two doors, one of them more narrow and low under the sloping ceiling, the closet she presumed. 

She wanted to search it over, looking for as many clues as possible to this girl who was so clearly off her rocker, but not knowing how much time she might have, she proceeded her mission. Her eyes methodically swept over the room, looking for the perfect spot to place her camera. The bookshelf seemed too risky, moving one little thing in the order there and Cassidy might spot it. Instead Emma opted for a small shelf above the window, filled with various knickknacks. She pulled up a chair next to the window, luckily the shelf was, as opposite from the rest of the room, a tad dusty and she figured this was the perfect spot indeed. She set the camera and checked the wireless monitor in her hand, making sure the technology worked. Mission complete, she thought and smiled to herself, feeling a bit like a secret agent, ready for more action. She looked over at the small closet door again, what if there was something she could be hiding in there that was of value? Biting her lip, she stepped down from the chair, placing it back in the exact same spot as she'd taken it. Maybe there would be time for a little scouting? She was just about to reach out her hand and twist the knob when a frantic honking came from one of the cars on the street. There wasn't any question about which car it was coming from and she knew she needed to move quickly. 

Outside, in his car, Justin felt his forehead becoming moist and his hand cramped down on the steering wheel, the other one was on the gear ready to go. He'd started the engine as soon as he'd seen a younger police man making his way up the driveway, rounding the house. To his relief he saw Emma jumping down on the grown, taking a bad fall it seemed, which was confirmed when she came limping up to the him. 

“Are you ok?” he asked concerned as soon as she'd gotten in the car. He knew it had been a bad idea letting her go inside. 

She rubbed her ankle gently, and carefully tried twisting her foot. “I'll be fine” she grinned slightly. Feeling a sting from her elbow she looked at it and saw a few strands of blood from it. She turned to Justin and smiled “That was fun” she said. Her eyes sparkled of joy. 

Justin shook his head and drove off, towards the Head Quarter. 

... 

The Langston police station wasn't a big building, and being a small town, the force was limited, making the staff sometimes work all kind of long hours. This usually put a cranky mood in everybody's mind, causing an air of tension at the station. What made matters worse was when they were overbooked and understaffed. This was a common occurrence at the weekends but today it was Monday and people were on edge. To top it off, Houseman was in a foul mood.

He was sitting in the corridor, having a cup of strong coffee, slightly grunting because his office was from a few moments back occupied by another professor that had been brought in for questioning. Their interrogation rooms had quickly been filled. What was up with the LU faculty today? he thought and chugged the last mouthful of black poison. Sometimes things had a peculiar way of coinciding and it wasn't often, or rather, it rarely happened that all rooms were filled at the same time. Usually he was the only one handling the questioning but since they were busy he'd thrown Anderson and Rodriguez a bone, letting them handle the doc and his daughter. That shouldn't be too hard for them he thought, seeing as they seemed pretty harmless. 

He threw the paper cup in the bin and pushed the door to one of the small rooms open. “Ready to talk now Hagen?” He raised a challenging brow. 

Nate sighed and drew his hand across his face. He gave Albert a look on which the lawyer knowingly nodded. 

“My client has said all he wish to say at the time being and if you've set bail, he wishes to go home to his family” Out of fear of it backfiring, Albert didn't let it show of what great importance it was for Nate to go home, he knew how worried he was. Who wouldn't be? 

“Actually, it isn't. And I'm not done” Houseman continued. “I don't think you two realize just how serious this is” 

Albert sighed, knowing there wasn't much he could do. He turned his glance to Nate, seeing a defeated look across his client's face. 

Dejectedly, Nate's weary eyes locked with the officer's, and he once again repeated the same words he had for the past hour or so. He was starting to feel like an old broken record. “I haven't done anything. I'm a married man. I would never rape anyone, or murder” he added. This was ridiculous. “Why can't you believe that? She's been following me around wanting me to tutor, be her mentor, whatever and when I said no she didn't stop following me. I'm telling you she's nuts. She has my daughter, I know she has. And if you would bother to look you would probably find her missing brother somewhere as well. She's a kidnapper and a damn liar. You should put your efforts finding my daughter instead of questioning innocent people” He was too tired to even raise his voice. 

“That didn't stop you from strangling her though, did it?” Houseman smirked. 

Nate looked down at the table, it was an outburst he regretted now. “You would understand why if you had kids. She implied she had my daughter and I saw red” 

“I think you're lying”

Nate sighed for the umpteenth time. “I'm not”

Houseman looked at Nate not believing a word. “Why would a good student like Cassidy do something like this? Huh?” 

Nate looked down at the table again not knowing what to answer because there really was no explanation for why anyone would do something so horrible. He searched his brain the best he could from everything that had been going on the last couple of weeks. It kept spinning round and round in his head like a tumble-drier, turning his brain into mincemeat. Having been drugged and dealing with all the tumult surrounding Eric didn't make things easier. He was about to give up when something suddenly dawned on him. 

“She said she murdered her mother” he said slowly. “She murdered her mother!” There was new energy to his voice. “That's what she said, I remember it now. When I was drugged! She told me then!”

The police snickered at him. “So I'm suppose to believe she told you she murdered her mother, while having you drugged” Houseman waved with a pen in the air “An occasion you, by the way, all of a sudden seem to remember a lot about.” He stopped his waving and looked callously at Nate “Yeah. Sure she did”

Before Nate could protest Houseman continued. “Now here's what I think happened. An innocent young girl moves to a East Town, has a hard time making friends at school so she, being the book worm as you claim she is, turn to her professor who she admires, hoping to spend some more time with him. Perhaps, she even holds a small crush on him. Said professor isn't so keen about having her around so he tries shaking her off to no good. They start arguing, it gets out of hand and he pushes her into a shelf and flees, claiming she fell when borrowing a book” The last part Houseman wasn't sure about, considering the false rapport that'd been given to them, but for now, he had to wing it. “Girl comes back to the professor, this time angry, who wouldn't be really when everyone at the school seem to believe the professor about her falling. She wants an apology from him but when seeing him again she doesn't receive one. No instead he is determined to teach her a lesson and so he starts hitting her, tearing at her clothes, and just about to commit a worse violation when he gets caught.”

“Yeah sure, an attempted rape without even locking the door! Do you honestly hear how stupid that all sounds?” Nate spat full of annoyance. 

Houseman smirked. “We'll see” He stood up from his chair. “Time for another cup I think” And by that, he was out the door. 

Houseman closed the door behind him and carried a deep frown on his forehead. He did hear how stupid his theory sounded. It didn't add up. In his head he went over what he knew and didn't: A student had fallen over, knocking her head out. Her father had lied about the damages and so had Mr Hagen, considering a few students they'd been questioning had seen him rushing out from his office that day. A file with the accurate injuries described had been sent to them. He'd walked in on a fight between the professor and student. Another professor had been arrested due to his computer's content of child pornography. And to top it all off, two missing people had been reported in a short time. And somehow, all these people were somehow connected. 

Had the girl really drugged Nate and why hadn't he said anything before? What reason had the doctor to lie about the reports? Was he and Mr. Hagen working together somehow? Why did Nate seem to think Cassidy had his daughter and someone called James, her brother? And if she did, what were her motives for it? 

The questions stocked in his head and Houseman scratched the top of it, looking towards the room where young miss Cassidy was held and then opposite the hall where her father was sitting. Who would he start with first?

The choice became easy to him as Anderson stepped out from where the Doctor was. “We need to send someone over to the Haywood house” he said. 

Anderson explained quickly to him that someone needed to retrieve a tea mug that needed to be sent to the lab. Bill had told him about being drugged, the tea all likely being the source of the crime and who knew better than a doctor if he'd been exposed to drugs or not? He really hadn't much reason to doubt him. 

Houseman looked at him, eyes wild. Another drug story, maybe there was something to what Nate was claiming and so he stopped an officer going down the corridor, sending him without explanation over to Edmond Street. 

Anderson spoke with a sigh. “The doctor has confessed to lying in his report when I showed it to him. But he also said half of the files is missing. He's told me...“ Anderson paused. “He's told me some weird things about his daughter. We should look into it. This is bigger than we thought” Anderson stated, both fists landing on his waist. 

“That's what I was afraid of” Houseman nodded. “I think there's something we should take a look at” he said and nodded towards the door where Rodriguez was with Cassidy. There was a bad feeling gnawing inside him about putting his least competent officer on what seemed to turn out to be the most complicated case of them all. He just hoped he wasn't right. They made their way inside, arriving to a small room with a glass window overlooking the interrogated. At least he'd been smart enough to put Rodriguez in the one room where he could supervise him. 

Rodriguez leaned over the table a bit closer to the woman opposite from him, he could feel her sweet perfume and it teased his nostrils. She didn't seem that bad really, and from what he could tell she wasn't lying. He peeked a glance at her subtle cleavage before he looked up at her eyes. “So..” he started. “Why did you give us the report?” At least he'd found out that she had been the one who'd given them it, Houseman would be proud he thought. 

As always, Cassidy talked in a calm matter. “Everyone was thinking I was the one lying when I told them Mr. H. was the one to push me. But I didn't. I don't lie” she exclaimed. “It's just not in my nature. I'm a Christian you know” she said convincingly. “So I needed to find the real report about what happened, that my injuries couldn't had been caused by a fall” 

Rodriguez looked at her with sympathy “And how are your injuries Ms. Haywood?”

“Oh, they're fine thank you” she smiled. 

Houseman and Anderson stood listening to what Houseman referred to as utter bullshit for a while longer. They rolled their eyes a few times and Anderson pushed for Houseman to go in and take over. Sure, Rodriguez wouldn't be allowed to interrogate any people soon but admittedly he was getting some answers from the girl, whether they be true or not. 

They considered going back to their own interviews but there was something interesting in studying the girl that left them standing. Almost as if she kept them hypnotized. About 50 minutes later there was a knock at the door, and a female officer popped her head in. 

“We found the tea cup. Looks like the doctor's story was accurate. There were traces of different roots and herbs, usually found in Chinese medicine. Naturally we need to make a more thorough lab analysis of it before we can be sure but...”

Houseman cut her off, staring at her. “That thing...” he said, pointing to her neck. “That's some sort of a Chinese sign isn't it?”

The officer looked confused. “Yeah, why do you ask?”

Houseman looked back in the direction of Cassidy and Rodriguez. “I wanna try something” he said, chewing on the teeth in the back of his mouth. 

…

Houseman had explained it to her quickly and she had liked his idea. Going in to Cassidy with a cup of tea, she had told Rodriguez the boss needed to see him. Then she had taken a seat in front of Cassidy, sliding the cup across the table. 

“I don't really drink tea, but thank you anyway” Cassidy held up her hand at the cup, denying it politely. 

“That's too bad” Sandra smiled. She looked to the left, exposing her tattoo to Cassidy and took a sip of the cup. “I'm a big drinker myself” she smiled. “Let me know if you want anything else”

“Ok. Thank you” Cassidy looked suspiciously at her. 

There was a long silence between them, Sandra drank her tea and Cassidy stared at her, waiting for her to talk. She didn't like the silence that had erupted, it was quite different from the other officer who couldn't stop talking. Finally, she said. “That's a nice tattoo you got there”

Sandra perked up. Bingo. “Thanks! It means star”

Briefly, Cassidy pressed her lips together, looking down. She shyly continued. “Actually, it means cloud”

“Oh so you know Chinese?” Sandra raised a questioning eyebrow. This was exactly what Houseman had wanted and she kept as straight of a face as she possible could. 

Cassidy bit her tounge, just realizing that she must have been duped. “Only a few signs” she quietly explained, covering the real truth. The reality was that her extent Chinese studies had been very useful when buying the herbs off of Mr. Yang's, knowing exactly what she needed. 

Sandra nodded, turning her eyes toward the window where she knew Houseman stood watching. 

Houseman turned to Anderson “Go find judge Bowdy, we need a house warrant” 

...

Over at the Head Quarter, Justin, Emma, Andrea, Lars and Dan had now all met up with the people running it. That meaning Helen, Matt, Anthony and Anne. They all sat in the living room agreeing on what the strategy for their next move should be. It was clearly evident that people were missing, putting a damp cloud over them. 

Lars looked around the room, doing a headcount. “Where's Eric and Jen? I thought they were going back here after LNTV?” He directed his question to Helen who was laying on the couch, her leg propped up with pillows. 

“I haven't gotten a hold of Jen on her cell and Eric doesn't has his with him” she said annoyed.

“I'm sure Jen has just taken him on a little breather. You know what they two are like” Justin said. 

“Or is just out looking for Carrie” Andrea suggested, reminiscing their own failed attempts. 

Helen pursed her lips. It seemed odd that Eric would vanish with Carrie being gone but her little brother could be right. She hoped. Until she knew, she would just keep trying Jen's cell. 

Andrea, Lars and Dan told them about their search, unfortunately they hadn't better news to bring back. When everyone had turned to Justin and Emma, questioning their whereabouts they said they had been driving around, searching for Carrie as well. As Emma had convinced Justin of in the car, there was no point in getting more people involved in their criminal activities. 

The doorbell suddenly rang, having them all jump out of their seats. Dan went to open and soon retrieved with the private investigator Albert had arranged for Carrie's case. Helen had been the one keeping close phone contact with him and she was the one who spoke up first, cutting right to the big question; “Anything?”

Brick, a nickname he'd received because of his squared looking body, was a man in his mid 40's, slightly scruffy looking, a serious look upon his face at all times. He clenched his jaws. “Nothing much I'm afraid. I talked to the owner of the dog that'd been stolen but that's about it. No one has seen the kiddo” His way of talking always came off as grunting. He wasn't a person with people skills but he had a reputation of being a damn fine investigator. 

Brick repeatedly clenched his jaws together, looking at the disappointed faces before him. Truth was he hated taking on cases involving kids, there were so much more emotions involved in it, but when Albert had called telling him it was for the Hagen family he couldn't decline. He knew the pay would be good, and besides, he'd known their father when he'd been younger, he'd cleared him out of a mess or two “I'm sorry” he added, once again clenching his jaws. 

Anthony looked intently at the big man, who seemed uncomfortable before them. He was dressed in black, sleeves pulled up to his elbows, revealing a tattooed sleeve. When he said he'd keep looking if they wanted to Helen gave her approving nod and he wasted no more time standing around in their living room. Anthony's curiosity and intuition took over as the man headed outside and he followed him. “Mister” he said as Brick was getting in to his car. 

Brick turned towards him, not moving a muscle in his face. Anthony was slightly intimidated about the way Brick looked down on him but knew he had to ask him. “Do you think dreams can tell you things that are true?” 

The question came out of the blue and Brick frowned, slightly scrunching his nose. Then he snickered, thinking about his old aunt who used to believe she was psychic. Not that she ever showed any proof of her being it. “Maybe, I don't know.” He was about to get in to the car again when he saw the sad look on the boy's face and he paused. “Why do you ask?” 

Biting his lower lip, Anthony looked back at the house, making sure no one was watching. “I've been bad” 

Brick was now more than puzzled. “How come?” 

At this point Anthony wasn't able to look at the serious man anymore so he faced down, staring at his own feet. The tears pressed forward, eventually watering his cheeks. A sniffle broke loose from his mouth. When he started shivering from his tears he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Come on kiddo, let's sit in the car” Brick prompted. 

Well in the car, Anthony felt slightly relieved no one could come and interrupt them but at the same time he was afraid of what the truth would do to him. 

“Right. No point in keeping things in. They always come out sooner or later” Brick stated, scratching the scars on his arm. “Why you've been bad kid?” 

Anthony's breaths stammered a bit before he got the first words out. “I've been hurting people around me.” Another unsteady breath. “I've been having dreams about them and...” The kid paused and Brick sat silently listening. “...they turned out to be true”

Brick frowned again. “Like what?”

“I had a dream that my dad would get sick and now he is” Anthony responded dejectedly. “And that my sister would be gone” Anthony's lip shivered. “I thought it was Emma, but it wasn't”

“Anything else?” Brick was now feeling the hair on his arm pointing straight up. It was suddenly becoming chilly.

“Last night I dreamed about daddy and Carrie. Daddy did something stupid and Carrie hid in a closet” he explained calmly. 

Having heard about Nate being brought in by the police, this peaked Brick's interest. “In a closet huh? Did you dream what kind of closet? Was she alone?” He tried not sounding too eager about it all, but if what the kid was telling him was true, this could be something huge. 

Anthony closed his eyes, and tried remembering the best he could. “She was in a big house. A doctor walked around the house. And there was a girl there. She was mad. There was lots of wood in their backyard. And a bearded man looked out a window.” Anthony opened his eyes again, right in time to see Brick open the car door and run back into the house. 

Before ascending the stairs of the porch Brick rushed back again, shouting to Anthony, “You're not hurting anyone kiddo. This is great news!” And for the first time in a long time, both Anthony and Brick cracked a huge smile. 

…

James had felt his head falling forward numerous of times and when it did his neck snapped it back, causing him to fall in and out of a woken state. This time, he hadn't fallen back in to the haze he'd been in for god knew how long. He sat starring out into the dark, quiet space. He wasn't even sure if he was dead or alive. Even though the strong smell told him it was the latter option. Trying to feel his body he kept flexing his muscles, going through one part at a time. The hardest one to feel was his bum and he wondered for how long he'd been sitting on it. He tried shifting his weight a bit, and when he did a thud was heard to his right, something falling down onto the floor. 

“Daddy” a voice cried out next to him and James was suddenly very much awake. His head turned the way the sound had come from. “Who's this?” he swallowed hard, trying his best to sound as positive as possible, no doubt did the voice belong to a kid. With his hand, he searched in the darkness for any clues. 

“Carrie” the voice whispered. 

James closed his eyes. Kidnapping your brother was one thing, but if he hadn't known before, he now realized how truly crazy his sister was, having taken this kid as well. What the hell was she playing at? “Hi Carrie. My name is James” 

“I'm tired” Carrie spoke. 

“I know” James spoke softly. He imagined the drugs were wearing off on both of them. Only question was, why? What had happened to Cassidy? If they were getting clearer, it must mean she was gone and this was their opportunity to escape. But the last time this happened he'd tried escaping only to end up in hospital and back in her captivity again. This time he wanted to have a much clearer mind before attempting the same thing. From what he could tell though, he did feel better than the last time. 

Not really knowing where he was, James started to feel his way around the small space. “We're gonna try and get out of here. Home and see Daddy again” He hoped that would put a spark in the girl's spirit. 

“Ok” She did sound happier. 

“Ok. Now, can you stand?” The space was too small for him to do so, but maybe she could. He heard her moving and a confirming 'yes'. “That's good. Now try and see if you can find a handle of some sort” All he'd manage to find was hanging clothes. 

“Here! Here's one” Carrie shouted. 

“Schyy” James put his finger to his mouth, realizing how unnecessary it was, them being in the dark. “We're gonna have to be a bit quiet. We don't want anyone to hear us sneaking out of here, ok”

“Ok”

James followed Carrie's hand that she'd kept on the handle and he tried turning it but nothing happened. Alone or not, Cassidy had been smart enough to lock the door. With his shoulder, James tried forcing it open. It gave after some but not enough and he didn't have the space he needed to get some speed behind his movement. “Damn it” he hissed. “Sorry kid” he added, apologizing for his swearing. He pushed it again with all the power he had but nothing happened. His head was spinning and it was evident that the drugs weren't nearly out of his system. He sat down with a thud, catching his breath. 

“Schyy” Carrie reminded him. 

“I just need a minute kiddo”

Carrie sat down next to him, patting his head. “It's ok. My daddy's tired too” 

James smiled sadly. Even if he hadn't anyone to come home to or anyone that missed him, this kid had, and he was damn if he wouldn't make that happen. Inhaling deeply, he stood up again. “Ok, move back a bit” he ordered Carrie who pressed against a wall away from him. 

With a crocked back he pressed both his hands against the low ceiling and with all the power he could possibly muster he jumped up, kicked the door with both his feet with all his vengeance. Two loud bangs heard. One from James landing on the floor and the other one from the door, falling into the room. “Hey! Look at that” James shouted at his new won freedom and forgot all about his back aching from the fall. 

“Schyy” Carrie said again and James turned to her. “So that's how you look kiddo. Nice curls you got there” 

Carrie smiled at him, stepping into the room. “Now what?” She turned to James. 

James rubbed his eyes from the streetlight shining into the window and he noticed it was dark outside, maybe it was night and Cassidy was sleeping. In panic he turned to the bed but luckily it was empty. “Now we get the hell out of here” he grabbed her hand, heading for the door. “Come on”

Carefully, they made their way down the stairs, finding the house completely empty. A photo in the stairwell of his father and a younger version of himself caught his eyes and caused a twitch in his heart. Such a long time ago, a different world even. At the bottom of the stairs, James saw the front door to his right and the back door to his left. Hearing the sound of a car behind the front of the house, he opted for the back door. It didn't take long before they were outside, once again feeling fresh air. And then, they sneaked away, finally free. 

…

Anderson hurried down the corridor of the police station, a paper waving in his hand. He was supposed to be home, having dinner with his wife several hours ago, something he never missed. But this, this was the most exciting he'd experienced in a long time. Nothing like this ever happened here. 

Without knocking he opened the door to Houseman's office. “I got it” He exclaimed happily, and showing off the paper to Houseman. They wasted no time before they were out the door. 

…

After Brick had rushed back into the house telling everybody about the good news the Head Quarter had quickly emptied, only leaving a few of them at home. Helen because of her injury and phone duty. Emma to watch the monitor of the camera she'd planted. Anne, since she was too young to go anywhere. And Andrea and Dan to help Helen with whatever still needed doing. Even if they might have good news about Carrie's whereabouts, there was still the unsolved problem about Nate being in custody and Eric and Jen going AWOL.   
The rest, Brick, Matt, Lars, Justin and Anthony had all, after some brainstorming about who Anthony's dreams would most likely point to, gone to the Haywood house. Anthony was the only one of the kids who was following the grown ups. Like a sniffing bloodhound he was on a mission. 

Emma was now up in her room, nervously pacing. She kept staring at the monitor, hoping something would happen on it, but it never did. What if Anthony's dream was just that, a dream? But after everything he had told them, she highly doubted it. It was hard to believe that her younger brother all of a sudden was some sort of psychic. It had also been sad to realize what pain he must have been through, believing everything that had happened them was his fault. Before they had left she'd given him a big hard hug, telling him that she was really proud of him. She was sure if their dads were there they would have done the same. A tad of anger flared within and she realized she was madder at them than she wanted to be. Thinking about Nate she just wanted to punch something, how the hell could he have let this happen? Why couldn't he had stopped it in the right time? If what Anthony said was true, she was even mad at Eric for getting cancer and for that she shamefully sat down on the bed, slow tears starting to roll down her cheek. 

Just as she was wiping her tears away her phone rang and her heart jumped a bit, hoping it would be one of her fathers, but to her disappointment it wasn't. It was Ryan. She didn't feel like answering at first but after a few seconds she decided to let him know a piece of her mind. “What do you want?” she answered brusque. 

It was quiet for a second at the other end of the phone. “Are you ok?” Ryan's voice asked, to her surprise, actually sounding concerned and it threw her off her game. 

Emma removed the monitor from her lap and stood up from the bed, once again pacing. “Why do you ask?” 

“'Cause I feel shitty for taking off that way” Another pause. “Your brother sure can run”

“Uncle” she corrected him. Justin had told her all about chasing after Ryan. But there was one thing she didn't know. “Why did you run away?”

“I thought he was the cops or something, can't blame me for that can you?” There was a slight laugh at the end of the sentence. 

And there it was, Ryan's stupid, ignorant, childish approach to things and she suddenly realized it was nothing she wanted to associate with anymore. She couldn't help but laugh. “Oh man. Ryan, you're an idiot, a coward and a dope head. You're a poison to other people's life, you don't now what it means to like anyone so just go fuck yourself will ya!” She exhaled deeply, man that felt good! 

There was more silence from the other end. “I...I...” Ryan stuttered. Then there was a click in Emma's ear. She couldn't believe she'd just did that. The adrenaline was pumping through her body and although it had felt good, there was still a few more tears coming from one corner of her right eye. It was the realization of suddenly being alone again that pushed them forward. Even though he wasn't a really good one, she'd just lost her only friend. As several thoughts of what it would be like at school again collided in her mind another scenario played out behind her on the little monitor on the bed. If she had looked she would have seen a door come crashing into the picture and shortly after a bearded man and a small girl making their way across the room. 

…

Emma wasn't however the only one who had missed the escaping couple by a hairbreadth. Brick and the rest had arrived just as they had made their way out the back door, had James and Carrie just stayed a couple of seconds longer they would have heard their bangs on the door. Brick hurried around to the back and to his satisfaction he found the back door to be open. He shouted after the others and Justin and Anthony came rushing. 

“I just saw a police car pull up” Justin said.

“We better make this quick then” Brick announced. In his line of work, this wasn't the first time he'd encountered with the police. “Take a look around kiddo, you think this might be the backyard from your dream?” he tried sounding casual about it, not wanting to rush the boy. 

Anthony scrunched his face and took a good look around, closed his eyes, trying to reminiscing the dream. He opened them and nodded. The real thing and the dream definitely matched. Brick gave a confirming nod. “Let's go then” he said and the trio made their way into the house. Wasting no time, Brick took the logical route and made his way upstairs towards the bedrooms. It didn't take long before they found Cassidy's room and the broken closet door on the floor. Brick stuck his head into the small closet space, feeling the smell of urine and sweat. Most people would probably have grinned but it wasn't like he was new to the smell. “Well I be damned. Looks like you were right kid” Brick said quietly. He admittedly had been a tad skeptic to the whole thing even if he hadn't showed it. “Too bad we're too late though” Brick turned the other way towards the hall. “We better get out before the police wonder what we're doing” he said and disappeared downstairs again. 

Justin stood hanging around the room for a few seconds longer, looking at the small closet, feeling sick that this was where Carrie had been held. 

…

“Really Barbara, what's the point of this?” There was a bit of embarrassment to Thom's voice as he was dragged by the hand, like a little kid. Barbara's legs carried her quicker than they had in a long time, she was not one to speed unless it was absolutely necessary, or if she was in a car. There were a few unpaid speeding tickets at home to prove that. 

They were in one of Langston's older areas, some houses being over a 150 years old. Settled in between West Town and East Town, a popular area to live in, the prices were sky high. Rich people from the big cities nearby bought them as summer houses. That was if you were lucky enough to even see one of them on the market. It was the kind of houses that people inherited rather than bought, and the only time one of them was sold was if the previous owner had died without any heirs. This was something that would happen to Warren Bishop. 

Barbara and Thom arrived at the back of his house and stood gazing at it. “That's some house” Barbara gulped. The colour was sort of greengrayish with lots of gingerbread work on it. 

“Yes, the construction is quite marvelous...”

“Oh shut it” Barbara interrupted. “It's fucking gorgeous, that's what it is” She pursed her lips. “Totally wasted on Warren” she added a tad sulky. 

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy there?” Thom teased and received a slap on the arm. He ought to know better he thought.

“Come on, let's see if anyone is home” Barbara once again grabbed Thom's hand. 

“Seriously, this is... I don't... I'm not going up there” Thom stuttered. 

“Look, we're just gonna see if he's home again. If he's not, it gotta mean that he's done something wrong, right? And if he has, oh man, our days are gonna be so much better” Her conscious said that she shouldn't be talking in such way but her heart was doing cartwheels. And one should always follow their heart, she thought. 

“So you're basically here to gloat?” Thom shook his head. How she talked him into this was beyond him, although he shouldn't be too surprised, she was Barbara Brown after all. The fire in her was brighter than in anyone he'd ever met and he was just a moth to the glow. 

Barbara stopped and turned. “What's wrong with that?” She said most sincerely, a smile hiding behind the words. 

“Look” Thom pointed over Barbara's shoulder. For there on the street stood a police car. And out the door came a police carrying a computer, just like they'd seen on the TV earlier. There was no sign of Warren. 

Barbara grew quiet, she hadn't really believed that it was something serious. In all honestly, she had hoped Warren to be home so she could tease him about being arrested. Because surely, the righteous Warren did no wrong? 

“I guess it will be nice and calm for a while then” Thom said quietly, a slight frown on his forehead. Barbara only nodded her response. 

Another onlooker, an elder women, slowly stepped up to them and they momentarily turned to her. “I've always said there was something strange with that man” The three looked back at the house, wondering how long it would take before a 'For Sale' sign would be stuck to the lawn. 

Across the street stood another person watching the house. If people knew she was the one to make Warren Bishop disappear for good from school, they would thank her. And perhaps that would mean new friends, better ones. Elisa Rourke smiled at the thought. 

…

Dr. Sitrahara looked concernedly at the young woman sitting lonely in the long corridor. She'd just finished her shift, another busy night at the ER till its end. She couldn't wait to go home, put her feet up, take a glass of red and perhaps coax her boyfriend to give her a foot rub. It was her own medicine after a trying day. No matter how stressful a shift had been she always took the time to take a last look at the patients she'd treated and the family who was nervously waiting. 

This girl made her stop short, knowing she hadn't taken enough time with her yet. The man she'd rushed in with was the same one from a little over a week ago. She remembered him well, a young, handsome man like that, with a brain tumor, who could forget? In all the tumult that had surrounded him, the woman had been more neglected than she'd wanted.

So, she approached her, carefully, she imagined it was the same way hunters approached a hurt animal.”Can I sit?” 

Jen's eyes were bloodshot when she looked up at the doctor. She nodded slowly. The world was spinning before her eyes and any rapid movement felt like it would make her faint. 

Dr. Sitrahara removed her bag from her shoulder and took a seat next to Jen. Close, but not too close. “Have you called anyone yet?” she asked, directing her eyes to the phone the woman was so tightly clutching. “You shouldn't be alone right now”

Numbly, Jen shook her head. “I can't. I can't call them.” How could she? Helen had been ringing non stop for the last hours but she hadn't managed to pick it up. It was still ringing in her ears. It was all she could hear. 

Sympathetically, the doctor smiled. “Would you like me to call someone for you?” she offered. 

Jen felt her heart beat harder and thought to herself how easy it would just have been to hand the phone over and let someone else do her dirty work. But it was the coward's way and she knew she couldn't let a stranger tell her family the news. She swallowed. “No, I have to do it, don't I?” she turned to the doctor and searched for confirmation. 

Before Dr. Sitrahara could answer, Jen's phone rang again. The display read 'Helen'. The doctor saw the woman shiver and without a word she reached out her thin, light brown hand, ready for Jen to take. And in the same moment as she answered the phone, she did. 

“Helen...” Jen's voice was very, very small. “I...” She grew quiet before she mustered up the words she was so afraid to say. “Eric's in a coma” 

…

Houseman came into the room where Bill Haywood was sitting, in his hand he was holding a thick folder that he placed firmly onto the desk. He sighed heavily. “Sir. I think you have some explaining to do”

Bill took one look at the folder and nodded his understanding. 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 24

Nate had been interrogated for nearly 24 hours before he'd been released. Just like that the charges had been dropped. He couldn't even be bothered asking why, instead he let his lawyer deal with it. He just wanted to. go. home. Being isolated from his family for so long had made him think. And most of all it had made him see things clearly. He was no longer in the haze he'd been in before. He was fully determined to fix thing, to find his girl and to be there for Eric. 

It was early morning when he stepped out of the taxi, glad to be home, albeit a tad weary. Looking around the property he couldn't help feel that there was something eerie layering the ground.

Before he had a chance to step onto the porch, Lars, to his surprise, opened the door. His face made Nate's stomach churn. “Where is everyone?” he asked, afraid to know the answer. 

“We better go” Lars said and headed towards the car. “I'll tell you on the way”

…

“I'm cold” Carrie shivered, rubbing her eyes from just coming out of a slumber. 

James pressed her closer to his chest, doing the best he could warming her tiny body. He couldn't remember the last time he'd held something so small. Missing the layers of clothing he usually wore, he was shivering a bit as well. “I know, I know. We're gonna get you home real soon, ok” After they had made their escape last night he had tried but failed. He'd wanted to get them some place safe right away but he'd been disoriented and fatigue had hit him like a brick wall, forcing him to stop. They had spent the night on the outdoor stage at Maple Park. He'd tucked Carrie in one corner and placed himself next to her, trying to catch most of the wind. 

James took a firmer grip around Carrie as he tried standing up, still carrying her. He looked out on the damp, big lawn in front of them. A soft mist was layering the field. The sun was slowly making its way out from behind the forest on the right, once again warming the earth. For a brief second, standing on that stage, looking out on it all, James felt like the king of the world, a complete serenity locking him in its embrace. He felt safe. It was a strange feeling, something he hadn't experienced in a long, long time. 

What had been even more strange was when he'd asked the little girl about her name and address. The girl had hesitated a bit, probably afraid to tell him, before she'd revealed that her last name was Hagen and that she lived near the O'Connor pond. At first, James had asked her to repeat it, not sure he'd heard right, but when he'd asked her about her daddy's name and she'd said 'Eric', there was no doubt anymore. Eric fucking Hagen was her father. It must have been Helen playing a trick on him. One of life's unexpected twists. After that he'd been more determined than ever to get her home as quick as possible, and when he'd failed the disappointment had been all the greater. 

Now, he stepped down from the stage and into the sun, ready to bring the girl home, this time he wouldn't fail. 

...

Lars hadn't even stopped the car when he pulled into the parking lot of Langston's Hospital before Nate jumped out of the car. Tears were streaming down his face and he ran as fast as his legs could possible carry him. He tried not to let annoyance get the best of him when a bunch of elderly people stopped in front of him, blocking his way. Of course he failed, when shouting “Fucking move!” His heart was beating so hard it felt like it was gonna jump out of his chest, his adrenaline was rushing and his body was shaking. This could not be happening. But it was and when he came crashing through the waiting room, meeting the sad faces of his family, he knew for real that it was. 

Emma and Anthony rushed up to him, plunging their arms around his neck and they all hugged as tightly as human possible. Nate felt as his legs couldn't carry him anymore and he came crashing down to the floor with them. There they sat for a long while as a big pile of tears. He couldn't care less who saw them. 

It was Helen who finally put her hand on Nate's back, making him aware of the rest of them again. He hadn't really noticed before but they were all there, Helen, Matt, Anne, Jen, Justin, Andrea and Dan. He looked around at them, one by one, with a somber expression. 

“Come on, let's sit over here” Helen tried, pointing to a chair. Nate slowly rose, letting himself be led by his younger sister who, clearly in pain, was using crutches but somehow still managed to offer support to him as he leaned on her. Lars came into the room, having parked the car and helped him sit down. 

Anthony didn't leave his side and his hand clung to Nate's shirt, not once letting it go. Nate sat down and put his arm around his boy and pulled him closer. He took Emma's hand. “I need to see him” he said quietly. He was terrified to see him laying there in a bed, being run by machines like a dead person. Nate's mind kept drawing up the most awful images. 

“They're just doing some tests on him right now. We can go in soon again” It was Jen who spoke, her eyes kept a steady gaze on the floor. 

Nate nodded. When Lars had told him about Eric being in a coma it had been like an out of body experience. He had literally stepped out of his body and he was seeing himself sitting in the front of the car, listening to Lars words of coma, cancer and collapse. It had all swirled around in his mind, swirling and swirling until they got sucked down a black hole and with them a piece of Nate's spirit got dragged down too. 

He couldn't believe how fast it all had happened, without any forewarning. He felt so sorry for Eric, he didn't deserve this. He should be awake, with them, living his life. But with Carrie gone, it wasn't a good life to live. Maybe that's why his body had shut down? Maybe it didn't want to be around anymore? The thought broke his heart further, not that it was much left to be broken. 

“How could this happen?” He asked to no one and everyone. “Why didn't the doctor say anything? They should have told him sooner, then maybe he wouldn't have run around like he did. Maybe they could have done something faster” The 'what ifs' popped up faster in his head than he could handle them. 

Jen, still looking at the floor, bit her lip. Exhaling slowly, her lip shivered slightly. She wrung her hands. “Nate...” Looking up and seeing the pain across her brother's face made her close her eyes. She hated this, she hated this hospital, she hated all the pain and all the tears, she hated that she had people so closely wrapped around her heart that hurt suddenly was something unbearable. She went back to staring at the floor. “He's known since Friday. This isn't the doctor's fault”

Nate's mind suddenly came very clear. “What?” he asked confused. 

“The doctor called him Friday afternoon” Jen explained while the rest of them stayed very quiet. They had already heard her explanation. 

Nate's temper flared. “And just how long have YOU known?” he shouted vehemently, letting go of Emma's hand. She put her hand on his arm, trying to offer some comfort. 

“Since Saturday” Jen answered quietly. 

“Great, that's just great” He shook his head. “Well thanks for telling me” he said sarcastically. 

“He didn't want me...” 

Jen couldn't finish her sentence before Nate got angry again. “You know what Jen, maybe if you two hadn't been keeping secrets from the rest of us, maybe Eric wouldn't be here. Maybe if you'd actually learn to tell people what you feel and gotten Eric to the hospital, maybe he would be ok now!” he spat. 

Jen looked away, biting her thumb nail. 

“Nate, this is not Jen's fault. You know what Eric's like. He wanna deal with everything on his own.” Helen scolded her brother. “This is no one's fault. We're just as worried as you are, so don't go blaming this on anyone of us”

“Nate, me and Anthony knew too” Matt said. 

Nate stared up at him, not knowing what to say. He looked over at Justin sitting crawled up in a corner next to Andrea, starring into empty space, not looking present. The rest of them were quiet, afraid to speak. 

“Look, I'll just go and get us some coffee, shall I?” Dan offered. “I'll help” Matt said and was quickly on his feet. 

When the two men exited the waiting room a nurse came in telling them they were finished in Eric's room and that they could go back again. Helen thanked her with a smile before she was gone just as quickly as she came.

Nate gave his youngest sister a sturdy look when she rose behind him. He grabbed his children's hands. “We'll be going in alone”

Lars looked at them disappear and then back at the distraught faces before him. “I'll head back to the house...in case Carrie gets there” he added quietly. 

…

“You sure this is where you live?” James rolled his eyes at himself, what a stupid question. Of course she was sure. He had to ask though, the place seemed so quiet and if one of his kids were missing, he sure would be home. 

Carrie shook his head at him. He was just as silly as Daddy she thought. She ran up to the front door and pulled down the handle. It was locked. Confused, she looked back at James. 

It was as he'd feared, no one was home. “Come on” he reached out his hand. “Let's look around” Maybe they were just on the other side of the house and they had just been careful locking the door. As they went around, Carrie pointed out all her best places to him. The place was bigger than Eric had described it. 

When they reached the back there was to his disappointment empty. Nothing to find but a breathtaking view of the sun reflecting its beams onto a beautiful, still pond. He looked down at the girl, worried that she wasn't doing as ok as she seemed. She needed food, water and a change of clothes. For a second he pondered about his best option. LNTV where Eric worked? The police? The hospital? 

He hoisted her up in his arms again. “Come on, let's go”

…

On the other side of the town, not too long from the hospital sat four people around a table in a small room. One of them pressed play on a small recorder. 

“The time is 8:15 am, October 14th. Present are the interrogated Dr. Bill Haywood, his lawyer Rose Shore, police investigator Ron Anderson, and myself, detective Gerard Houseman.” He paused for a second looking over at Bill. “Are you ready?” 

Bill folded his hands. “As ready as I ever will be” He smiled bravely. 

“Right then” Houseman said, flipping through some of the papers in front of him. “Then let's start with the papers we found in your house, in your daughter's room, regarding your daughter. I would like you to tell us about the content of it and what it means. Would you like me to jog your memory of the list?” Houseman asked. 

Bill declined with a wave with the hand. “No” He knew the list by heart. All too well. 

“Whenever you're ready” Anderson said. 

Bill took a deep breath. The horrible secrets he'd been keeping to himself for so long would shortly surface. After this, his life would never be the same again. And the relationship he'd tried to build with his daughter would be gone forever. But he knew he had to, the card had fallen, the air castle had been blown away. 

He took another deep breath, and then he started. “It's a list of the people my daughter has hurt.” he paused unsure how to explain it all. “When she was young... she's always been special you see. Not having many friends, been mostly to herself. And it was fine until Billy, that was the first one she hurt” he added. “He was a boy in her class. One day I got called into school because he'd kicked her in the stomach. Billy got in trouble of course. It wasn't until a couple of days after she told me that he'd been mad at her because she had killed his cat.” Bill shook his head at the memory. It was thoughts he'd been pushing away for so long, and now he had to face them again. “She told me with a smile. With a smile” The people around the table listened intently to him. “I never told anyone about it. I mean, how could I?” No one answered him. There was really nothing to say. “Then there was Victor, one of her high school teachers. He raped her everyone thought. But the police report showed something else. She'd given him an apple full of sedative” Bill blamed himself for that one, having kept a bottle of them at home due to his sleep deprivation. He swallowed, having a hard time continuing. “She got naked in his classroom and started beating him” A single tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Why didn't she ever get prosecuted for it?” Houseman asked, an eyebrow raised 

“I ran away with her. We fled to another city. With my profession it's not hard getting a job” 

“I see. Then what?” Houseman asked. This was turning into one hell of a story. 

Bill looked down at the table. “Then she met her first high school sweetheart and she actually seemed happy for a while and I thought that, maybe this is what she needs, someone she could be happy with and do normal teenage stuff with, you know?” Bill shook his head. “But of course it wasn't. Linus, that was his name, already had a girlfriend. Cassidy was just unhappily infatuated with him. She..she...uhm. She assaulted Linus' girlfriend with a bat, smashing her head in. She made it, barely. But she got permanent brain damage from it.”

Bill wiped away a couple of tears. The irony of it all was that he'd been the one operating on the young girl when she'd came into the ER. 

“Let me guess, you fled again?” Houseman pursed his lips and received a nod from Bill. 

“No one ever came looking for her. She was too young for anyone to care” Bill looked at the police officers. “My daughter's a liar. You can't believe anything she's told you.” he pleaded. 

Houseman noted the remark without commenting on it. “And then?”

Bill twitched his shoulders. “After that it was actually quiet for a few years. She was calm enough and I hoped she had changed. Until a letter reached our house” Bill wiped away a few more tears. He still wished he'd been home to open it that day. “It was from the justice department.”

“Regarding her mother perhaps?” Anderson asked eagerly, receiving an annoyed look from Houseman. They had done their homework but there was no point in revealing it too soon. 

“Yes” Bill grew very quiet. His hands were folded in front of his mouth, elbows resting on the table. 

Houseman was curious too now. “She says she murdered her mother”'

Bill shook his head slightly. “No, no she didn't” The revelation baffled the two police officers. Bill paused, gathering strength. “It was her brother” Anderson and Houseman sat very still listening now. “That's what the letter was about. It had gone ten years since it happened and it said that all investigation had been dropped and all suspicion regarding James was gone.” Bill smiled. “It was the greatest relief of my life but I couldn't enjoy it”

“Why?” Houseman asked. 

Bill pinched the root of his nose. “Because of a huge mistake I made all those years back.” He'd never forgiven himself for it. “It was just an accident” He cried now. “Just an accident”

“I think for my client's sake that it would be best with a break now” Rose spoke for the first time on the recording. 

“No, no I'm fine” Bill stopped her. He could mind as well get it all over with. “When Cassidy was about six or seven and her brother fifteen their mother died. She was at home with them on that day. I was working. James was helping her cook in the kitchen and Cassidy was running around being a kid. From what James told me he'd been chopping the vegetables, his mother had told him to be careful with the knife. I guess Cassidy had annoyed him somehow, you know how kids are. I'm not really sure what happened, James could never remember it well enough, but somehow he had been playing with the knife in Cassidy's direction, my wife got knocked over in her play, somehow landing on the knife, getting it in her stomach.” Bill hid his face in his face. “If only I had been home” he cried. “Maybe I could have saved her”

The three people around the table all looked sympathetically at him. Houseman had to push on, “Go on” he encouraged, offering a tissue he'd fished out of his pocket. 

“With James being old enough to be charged, I told him to be quiet. I convinced Cassidy she was the one who had held the knife. I told her over and over again what she had done, but I also said it wasn't her fault.” Bill sniffled. “I just couldn't bare the thought of losing James as well. At first the police didn't believe the story, they said it must have been him, his finger prints were all over the knife. That's when I knew I had to send him away”

“Didn't that raise further suspicion with the police?” Anderson asked. 

“Of course. But I said that James was so depressed about his mother that I had sent him to his aunt to get away from it all for a while.” He paused before he very quietly said, “I haven't seen him since” The thought broke his heart. 

“So the police never came after him?” Houseman started thinking there were some real amateurs out there. 

Bill shook his head. “No. And I never knew why. If they really did believe Cassidy had been the one who did it, I was pushing it pretty strongly, or if they just couldn't be bothered about the case anymore” 

“And the letter?” Anderson steered back to their previous topic. 

“When Cassidy saw what it said, she realized what lies I had been feeding her and what she had been telling herself for the past ten years was false. All the guilt she was carrying...” His words died out. 

“So why is she still claiming she was the one murdering her mother if she saw the letter?” 

Bill shook his head. “Who knows. She's been believing it for so long maybe she still thinks it's true. Or she wants the attention. I don't know how that brain of hers work. I never have and never will” There was a tad of anger behind Bill's other so calm words. Numbly, he continued, “I'm a brain surgeon, I'm suppose to understand them, that's my job” He looked at the others, truly baffled. 

“Your son...” Houseman searched for the name. 

“James” Bill filled him in. 

“James. What happened to him?”

“He lived with his aunt for a little under a year before he one day just disappeared. No one knew where he went, I've had private investigators after him but nothing has ever turned up. When that letter turned up, I got even more keen to find him, to tell him he was cleared. Cassidy helped me trying to find him at first. It wasn't after we came here to Langston I realized she just did it for her own gain. I've never been as close to him as I have been here, and I still can't find him” Bill laughed sadly. 

“For her own gain?” It was Anderson's turn to ask the question. 

“She wants revenge on James. She wants to hurt him just like she has hurt the other ones in her past. She wants to hurt him for making her take the blame”

“Doesn't she realize that's not James' fault?” Houseman asked. “How come she hasn't hurt you already?”

“Don't you see? By doing this all over again, by making us run, she's already hurt me. Over and over again” He just wasn't sure she herself understood it. 

There was something still bothering Houseman. “But if you know she's doing all of this, why did you hide the hospital report when she got hurt? Were you still protecting her? Why?”

Bill looked intently into his eyes, “I lost both my wife and my son all those years ago. The only one I had left was my daughter and even after all those things she's done, she was still my daughter. I couldn't lose her as well so I protected her again. But I'm done now.” Bill leaned back, pushing himself away from the table. “I'm done” After what he'd heard the police say about his daughter's involvement about a missing girl, how could he not be?

There was a slight pause of pondering in the room. “Your son, what made you find him this time?” Houseman finally asked. 

“I found out through a friend of my sister, James' aunt died a few years back you see, that a film crew from Langston was looking for him because they were apparently doing a documentary about him. But that he'd gone missing. They'd tried searching for him, that's why they tried contacting Angela, my sister, it was the last address he'd stayed at. Because of the times we've been moving around I guess they never found me. Somehow they came in contact with her friend instead and she called me a little while back” Bill shook his head. “My only mistake was telling Cassidy about it. I was just so elated that someone actually had seen him alive. Knowing how she feels about him it was stupid of me to tell her, I know that. She was the one pushing for us to move here, and I thought it would be a good idea, at least then I could control her. But...”

“But what?” Houseman asked. 

“The director of the film got sick, and I found out James had gone missing again. My hope left me. I was the one making sure the director would be my patient. I wanted him to get better, if I could make him better...well... he'd found him once before, maybe he could again.” 

“But he didn't?” 

“No” Bill looked down. “He's still very sick” He stared into Anderson's eyes who'd asked the question. “I may not know where my son is but I do know there's no doubt in my mind that my daughter is the reason he's gone missing again. Find James and you'll also find the girl. I'm sure of it”

Houseman and Anderson looked at each other in mutual understanding, their minds wandering to the evidence they had found at the Haywood house the night before. The closet door, the hidden drugs, enough to sedate a small army, the files about Cassidy's past. All things out of interest had been found in her room and there wasn't a doubt in their mind that she was the one who had done everything. The doctor wasn't a suspect. In the closet they had found fingerprints from three different people, in three different sizes and now when they looked at each other, they knew the doctor was right. One of the fingerprints belonged to Cassidy, they knew that already, the other two must belong to James and the little girl. They've had police cars circling around trying to find them but so far nothing had turned up. 

However, it didn't take long before Bill had spoken his words of surety before Rodriguez came rushing through the door. “Sir, you gotta come out here!”

…

It had been a while since James felt as lighthearted as he did in this very moment. It was as if the world all of a sudden seemed brighter, more hopeful. When he'd stepped out of the police station a strong sun had greeted him and his feet had seemed to be floating above the pavement. 

The police had done a short questioning with him, explaining that both his sister and father currently was in the same building as him. What were the odds for that? Choosing to go to the police station before the hospital couldn't have been a coincidental choice he thought. 

He had left the little girl with a police officer and said his goodbye with a promise of visiting her very soon. He knew he would keep it, besides meeting her, he couldn't wait to see that kind father of hers again. 

But before that, he needed to take care of himself for a while. He looked at his father next to him, a joyful tear streaked face facing him, and he smiled. Who knew what the future would hold? 

…

Normally whenever Houseman got to charge the right person with the right crime there was a sense of pride and contentment behind the actions. It was a feeling that was better than winning the big bucks at his Sunday poker games. 

In this case, as he stood looking in through the window to where Cassidy sat there was just a sense of tragedy. How many families had this girl really hurt before she'd been stopped? Were there more than the ones they'd heard about? Who knew. The only bright point to it all was that there had been no casualties, thank god. Because god knows she'd come close.

Houseman took a deep breath and stepped into the room, a slight frown creasing his forehead. 

“Good morning” Cassidy cheered up, sounding as perky as ever. 

Houseman didn't speak to her but waited for another officer to come into the room. They remained standing. 

Cassidy looked at the female officer entering and wondered what was going on, although she didn't let her face show them her worry. 

“Do you know why you're still here?” Houseman wondered. 

“Sure” Cassidy smiled. “To explain Mr. H's assault on me”

“Not quite” She seemed to have forgotten all about their little Chinese trick last night, he thought. “Let me explain this to you. We have strong evidence towards you regarding the abducting of a James Haywood and Carrie Hagen.” The girl in front of him started shaking her head. “We also have evidence against you about assault on numerous occasions”

Cassidy shook her head, not understanding what was happening. “No” The word wasn't a desperate scream rather than a long, ghostly, hollow word, causing a slight chill through Houseman's spine. It was a feeling he wasn't used to, and he had to admit, she scared him. He didn't get spooked. 

“Cassidy Haywood I am arresting on you said suspicions...”

Houseman's words soon died out from her repeating the word 'no' over and over again. 

…

There are times when corridors seem impossible long. Especially hospital corridors. They seem to go on forever. You pass door after door after door before you finally reach your goal. For example running towards your new born child, or your sick husband or rushing in with a loved one in pain. Nate had experienced one of these scenarios a little over an hour ago. But stepping out from Eric's room little did he know that he was about to experience the longest corridor in history. 

Nate closed Eric's door carefully, as if he was afraid to wake him out of his sleep. The kids were still in there, but he just had to step out for a second to breathe. Seeing Eric laying so peacefully, like he was dead, was just too much to bare. Keeping up a straight face in front of Emma and Anthony drained him of the little energy he had left and he could feel the invisible bugs starting to crawl under his skin. He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, at the same time hiding behind them. The tears were just in the edge of the corners of his eyes, ready to break free when he heard the sweetest word he could possible have heard right in that moment. 

“Dad!” 

Surely there must have been more fathers being called at in the corridor just then but there was no doubt in his mind of who that voice belonged to and Nate could feel his heart palpitating as his head turned to the right. There was his daughter, just letting go of the hand of an officer she was with and running towards him. 

It took Nate about half a second to get his head straight and realize what was really happening. And when he did he ran too. For the longest time it felt as if his legs were glued to the ground, or made out of concrete and he couldn't move fast enough for his liking. 

“Dad!” Carrie screamed again. 

It felt like passing a thousands of doors before he finally reached his daughter and could scoop her up in his arms and hug her so hard that he almost squeezed her out of his grip. He pressed his face into her warm curls for a long while before he lifted it and looked into her eyes, stroking her hair. He couldn't believe that she was really with him again. The time she'd been gone seemed like a lifetime. 

Carrie's fingers played with the hair at his neck. “Dad you're crying” she stated, not realizing she was crying too.

Nate kissed her hands. “These are happy tears honey. They're happy”

Shortly after Nate had started running Helen had reached the corridor where Nate was, still grasping her cell phone in which she'd received a call from the police station. Now she stood watching father and daughter in their tight embrace and she got the most warm feeling rushing through her body. 

She could feel it in her heart. Things would be ok. 

…

Urged by the police, James had reluctantly gone to the hospital and now Bill was on his own again. In his old, comfortable, leather chair which creaked in just the right way. He stared out in the room, and even though it had been ransacked by the police, he didn't care, for in that moment he could feel nothing but happiness. For the first time in a long time he had seen and hugged his son again. The feeling had been indescribable and he thought he never wanted to let go. There was no doubt there would be a struggle finding their way back to each other but he knew it could be done. For both their sakes he sincerely hoped James was willing to try as much as he did. 

Even if he didn't want to, his thoughts unavoidable slipped over to his daughter. All kinds of feelings came crashing into his head, storming around and making him dizzy, he didn't know what to feel or think regarding her. Not anymore. One part of his head told him that she was his daughter and he should love her no matter what. The other part wondered who could love such a horrible creature. There was also a part of his brain wondering what kind of man would cover up such crimes? 

That thought in particular put him down. And it was that thought that made him realize that daughter or not, he could never love her again. It was too late. It was too tainted. Now all he could hope was that she after the trial would get all the help she needed. 

There were things that he would never be able to make sense of, why Cassidy had done the things she had. There were also questions concerning himself, where would he go after this? What would happen? What would life look like? He couldn't pinpoint the feeling but something told him that from now on life would look very different and somehow Langston had been his destiny all along. 

Bill got up from his chair, over to his liquor cabinet and reached for his Black label and was ready to down most of the bottle when he stopped, changing his mind and instead turned to the Blue one. He filled the bottom of the glass, put it under his nose, savoring the smells. Then he raised the glass in front of him, cheering to an empty room. 

“Good night my darling” 

That night, he had a peaceful sleep. 

…

Across town in a hospital bed lay Eric, surrounded by his family. They stood in a circle around his bed, hands clasped with each others and together they silently prayed. Not that anyone of them were really religious, but at that moment, it really didn't matter who they prayed to. They prayed for hope and for better days to come and for their beloved family member to wake up. 

Nate stood between his kids and opposite him on the other side of the bed stood Jen. As he looked up at all their faces, having their eyes closed he saw she was looking at him and he reached out his hand above the bed, which she took and he held it tight. Without letting go they both closed their eyes, trying to emit as much love through each other as they possible could. 

Finally, they let each other go, and one by one they left the room, leaving only Nate and his kids left. Without a word, there was really nothing to say, Helen gave each of them a warm hug before she was the last one to leave the room. 

Anthony and Emma was each on one side of Nate while he was carrying Carrie. The little girl put her head on his shoulder. “Daddy's sleeping” 

“Yes he is” Nate answered sadly and could feel Emma's hand on his back. 

The question was, for how long? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ch 25

As he finished his tie his hands were shaking, he'd been stalling the completion of the knot for as long as possible, knowing it was the only thing that stood between him and having to walk out the door and face reality. He'd taken his time polishing his shoes, pressing the suit, finding the right cuff links and helping the kids pick their clothes out. He'd chosen white for them, that's what Eric would have wanted. 

The black suit looked depressing as he watched himself in the mirror, it didn't look like him.

There was a knock on the door frame “Nate?” It was Helen standing there in a black knee length dress, a simple pearl necklace to accompany it. “Are you ready?” 

Nate silently shook his head, looking out the window where the funeral cars stood waiting. “No” he whispered. “No, noooo” ~

The alarm went off, sending Nate flying up in his bed, sweat marking his forehead. Not again, he'd had the same dream over and over for the past two months and he was getting really sick of it. He had himself to blame for it this time he thought as he looked over to his nightstand. A folder, already worn out on the edges, lay upon it. The title read 'Chemotherapy' and this particular night he'd for some stupid reason focused on all the wrong parts of its content. 

It was point four, the last one, in the description of the length of the chemotherapy. Point one was the one he should be focusing on, being “When cure is the treatment goal. Adjuvant chemotherapy (therapy after surgery has removed all visible cancer) may last 4-6 months.” Instead he'd been self-destructive by staring at number four; “If the disease grows, the chemotherapy will be stopped. Depending on the health and wishes of the patient, either different drugs will be given to try to kill the cancer, or chemotherapy will be stopped and the goal changed to focus on patient comfort.”

“To focus on patient comfort” That was the sentence Nate had been staring at more than any other. It was interesting how they chose to word it. Everyone knew what it really meant, that you were about to die, but somehow trying to put a positive spin on that scenario they focused on patient comfort. Like you were suppose to be on some fucking vacation. That he could guarantee, chemo was no fucking vacation. If he'd thought Eric had looked sick before, it was nothing to what he looked now. His eyes were weary, his cheeks sunken, eyes slightly hollow, his hair was completely gone but the worst part was the weight loss, he was all skin and bones. The doctor had tried giving him meds for the nausea so he'd regain his appetite and it was just now they had started working. Thank god. 

Nate sighed and tried shaking all the negative thoughts away. Today was a day for positivity and cheerfulness. Eric was awake and living, the coma period was almost put behind them now. That was a time that was almost worse to think about. 

“It's the folder again, isn't it?” Eric suddenly mumbled from his side of the bed. 

Nate turned towards him. “I thought you were asleep” he whispered and crawled closer to his husband, spooning him.

“You should really just throw it out” Eric continued. “I'll do it myself. Today. Enough is enough” he was trying to sound stern about it but the words came out quite soft. 

“Yeah, yeah” Nate kissed the back of Eric's bald head, resting his own on the same pillow. Looking out the window, something wonderful suddenly caught his eyes. “Hey look at that, it's snowing” 

Eric smiled at the soft flakes on their way to the ground. It was truly beautiful. “I know someone who's happy now”

“Me?” Nate perked up and received a small laugh from Eric. 

“Yeah you” he said, softly stroking the hand that was wrapped around him. It felt safe and comfortable and he loved mornings like these. 

“I better go down to make some breakfast” Nate started removing his grip from Eric who stopped him. “Just a little longer” he asked, and Nate sunk back again, who could say no to that?

…

About an hour after Nate had disappeared from the bed, Eric finally made it downstairs as well. Even though he moved as slowly as possible he could still feel the nausea getting its claws in him. He pulled the robe a bit tighter around his waist and tried his best to ignore the feeling. It was not gonna ruin this weekend. Why the hell did they had to schedule a chemo right before Christmas? 

Before going in to the kitchen where he could hear Nate talking to the kids, he made his way into the living room. There it was, the Christmas tree with all its bright, glistening lights, it spread its sweet smell throughout the room. It was probably his favourite thing about Christmas. Nate had lit a nice fire, warming the room, a welcome element as he seemed to be freezing all the time these days. From the corner of his eyes the flicker from the TV caught his attention. Someone had left it muted and for the image it was showing Eric smiled. It was playing one of his all time favourite Christmas classic: It's a wonderful life. 

With a grin, he sat down in a chair and pulled a blanket around him. He turned the sound up again right in time to see James Stewart running around the town of Bedford Falls like a madman. 

Carrie came sauntering into the room. “Don't you want breakfast daddy?” 

“I'll be right there” he smiled to his youngest who turned to the TV and decided to crawl up next to him in the chair. “I'll watch with you” 

“In that case, we're watching too” Nate was carrying a tray of breakfast which he put on the table next to Eric. 

“See I told you he would get stuck in here” Emma smiled at Nate as it had been her idea to put the TV on. Everyone knew what a sucker Eric was for old movies, especially Christmas ones. 

Nate, Anthony and Emma sat close together in the sofa with their legs flung up on the table. They all of course received a tad of an annoyed look from Eric, the neat freak, not that they cared. Instead they threw some Cheerios in his direction. They all laughed but underneath it all Nate still kept throwing Eric worrying glances, making sure he was ok. He just couldn't help himself. At least, these days he was doing it with more discretion, going undetected from Eric's hawk eyes. It had been worse when Nate had been home all day, during Cassidy's trial and his suspension, which luckily hadn't last long. Then he would do nothing but worry. His escape was his book he'd been working on during the weeks he'd been away from school. He'd even taken a few extra weeks off, partly so he would feel safe going back to teaching, even though Barbara and Thom kept reassuring him that no one believed the bullshit said in the media and partly so he could finish the book. Now it was waiting for the publisher's approval and he was back teaching in a school even better than before now that Warren was gone. 

“I dreamed something again” Anthony suddenly interrupted the silence on which everyone's head turned.

They were all staring at him now and Nate was the one to nervously ask “What about?”

Ever since they had found out about Anthony's abilities, which had been hard to believe at first, being so unrealistic, every time he'd told them about a dream they've been holding their breath, afraid to hear what it was about. After all, he had spotted Eric's cancer, Nate's trouble with Cassidy and Carrie's kidnapping. Thank god nothing so far had been anything as major as that. The few times he dreamed something bad, he would usually give Eric a hug and say 'I'm sorry' on which Eric would feel confused but the more understanding of the reason when he the following day was puking his guts out. They had told Anthony to stop apologizing for it, hoping he would realize it wasn't his fault. And to always, no matter bad or good, tell them about the dreams. It wasn't fair on him to hold them in. 

They had both spent time online trying to look for others with the same abilities and even contacted a few of them, hoping to get a bit more understanding about it. It wasn't something they told just anyone as it was usually met with skepticism the few times they actually had told someone. Barbara was probably the one who found it the most fascinating, so much indeed that whenever she visited them she would make sure to sneak away to talk to Anthony alone. At first, they had been a bit bothered about it, but the boy always seemed to laugh after conversing with Barbara, and they could see no harm in that. In fact, ever since Anthony had started opening up about his dreams, he was a much happier boy and that was worth all the “hearing dreams anxiousness” in the world. They just had to get used to it. 

“Just what's in my Christmas present” Anthony smiled contentedly. 

You could hear a sigh of relief from three in the room while Carrie instead perked up. “What's in mine then?” 

Eric gave Anthony a stern look on which he shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know” he told Carrie and looked at Eric with a wink and a grin. 

Eric and Nate met in a slight eyeroll that turned into a worry frown. He couldn't know what he was getting, could he? His dreams were never that explicit. 

“Hmm, well we'll just see if you're right tomorrow then” Eric said simply and turned back to the film, catching the end of it. 

Anthony smiled to himself and snuggled a bit closer to Nate.

…

After a quiet morning with cuddles, film and family, guests started dropping in to the Hagen household and the calm was over for now. Just the way it should be over the holidays. 

Barbara and Thom had called to say they would come by tomorrow instead as they were still pretty busy unpacking their moving boxes. Warren had fled town, serving his house arrest anywhere but Langston and so his house had been sold and Barbara had jumped at the opportunity. After Warren's sentence over child pornography they had all been pretty baffled and Nate still couldn't believe it was really true. 

Jen was the first to walk through their door, no surprise really since she had been spending an awful lot of time with them lately. Ever since Justin had started dating Andrea she had now taken over the roll as their most frequent visitor. Which Nate was grateful for since she was a great distraction to Eric during his worst periods. They could sit and tell each other little stories and laugh the pain away. She had canceled her planned Bolivia trip and she hadn't mentioned anything about how long she was planning to stay. Nate had tried talking to her about it but she had avoided the question and diverted him onto something else. He didn't really know why. He had even turned to Helen, who she was staying with, if she knew anything but she had said the same thing, that she'd been avoiding the question. She had met up with some of her old friends but usually she was just over at their place. Sometimes Nate couldn't help but feel that she was such a very lonely soul, still trying to find her place in life, and he couldn't help but worry about her. 

One who he wasn't worried about though was Justin, who now stood next to him peeling the sweet potatoes. He and Andrea had been seeing each other for nearly four months now and Justin seemed happier than ever, even though it meant less visits from him during the weekends. They had invited them over for dinner a few times, which was spent watching them cuddle. 

“Come on guys, get a move on!” Andrea hurried them on. 

“I'm peeling as fast as I can here” Justin explained. “Nate's the one taking too long”

“Oh shut up, I'm doing my best” Ever since Eric had gotten sick Nate had spent more and more time in the kitchen and he might have been slow but his food was to everyone's surprise, actually edible. “Tasty” had even been exclaimed around the table once or twice. Eric still did most of the cooking of course, but there were some days when he just couldn't handle the smells or he was too tired to stand up for a longer time. When that happened he would sit and supervise his husband and tell him what to do. Something Nate still found incredibly annoying, even though he knew that without the help there would be no food to put on the table. 

“Yeah come on slowy” Andrea laughed. 

“Don't gang up on me you two!” Nate protested. 

“I think you're doing well hon” Eric perked up from his corner in the kitchen. He was laughing at the trio's banter. 

“See” Nate pointed to him with the knife he was holding. “Someone's on my side”

The phone interrupted them with an angry signal and Emma came running into the kitchen. “I'll take it!” she screamed and was met with a quizzical look from Eric. “My phone died” she held up her cell at him and he nodded. 

Everyone in the kitchen were now turned to her and they could see her cheeks reddening. She turned away from them and whispered the best she could on which Justin whistled at her. She pointed a finger behind her back to him and received a light slap on her back with a folded newspaper from Eric. 

She covered the phone with her hand and turned to Eric. “Dad, could I go out on Sunday to meet a friend?” she asked carefully, already knowing the answer. 

Eric shook his head. “Not until after New Year Emma, you know that” She still had some left of her long curfew and even though she had been behaving exemplary lately he still felt it was important not to cut the punishment short. 

Disappointedly, she hung her head. “Fine” Eric looked at her with sympathy. “But you can tell your friend that he's welcome here” He didn't want to be totally impossible. She smiled at him, clearly happier, and turned back to her conversation. 

“Hello!!” They could hear Lars scream from the front door. Emma put her finger in her one ear to block out the sound from Lars and Dan making their way into the house. Looking down the hallway, it seemed as if Dan was struggling holding something outside the door and before Emma knew it a big dog came running past her, barking loudly. 

“Damn it” Dan screamed and ran after it. 

Before they knew it the house was in full commotion. The dog ran around like crazy, Dan was trying to catch it, Lars was screaming at Dan. Eric and Emma stood like question marks looking at them, wondering what the hell was going on. When the dog made its way into the kitchen, nearly knocking over food on the table he got three more people chasing after him. Anthony came rushing downstairs, screaming he was right. 

It didn't take long before Jen and Carrie came into the house, having been out on a little walk, and Carrie screamed as loud as she could “Is it mine?!” The dog heard the girl and jumped down from the sofa and ran up to the girl. Everyone thought the big thing was gonna knock her over from the speed it was having but it came to a halt just in front of her and she threw her arms around it. 

Nate looked at Dan, no question needed. “She wasn't suppose to see it yet” Dan tried explaining. 

“So it is mine!?” Emma started jumping up and down and the dog barked at her. 

“Oh lord” Nate sighed, he looked worriedly at Eric, wondering how he would take it, but he just smiled at his daughter and their, apparently, dog. 

Dan put the leash in Nate's hand. “There you go”

“It's trained to bark at strangers” Lars chipped in. 

“Well, it's not barking at us is it?” Justin was trying to be a smart ass. 

Just then Matt and Helen came in to the house and the dog started barking at them. 

“See, it works” Lars looked pleased. 

“It?” Eric smiled. He looked over at Carrie “What do you wanna call it care bear?” 

“Uhm” Carrie scrunched her lips to the one corner of her mouth, pondering. “Barky!” On which the dog barked, receiving a laugh from everyone. 

“Perfect” Eric said. 

Helen spoke up “Someone needs to fill us in.”

“We bought Carrie a dog” Lars said. He was a bit relieved that Eric and Nate seemed to take it as well as they did. He knew Carrie had been nagging them for a dog for a long time but they had never taken the time to find her a good one. It was the least they could do to give her something she really wanted. They knew the gift was unfair to the other kids but they couldn't help themselves, they still held a big deep hole of guilt in their hearts towards her and they did everything they could trying to fill it. Nate and Eric had forgiven them a lot easier for losing her than they had done. 

“Isn't it too early for Christmas gifts?” Matt asked. It was only middle of Christmas Eve after all. 

Dan who was standing behind Lars' back started moving his hand back and forth in front of his throat, trying to cut Matt off. When he didn't succeed, he hung his head. 

“Early?” Lars belled. “It's you who are always doing it too late, I'll tell you about how I used to do it when I grew up...”

“Ok, yeah, there's no need for that story again” Dan putt his arm around Lars' shoulder, leading him towards the kitchen. “Smells good in here”. Nate, Andrea and Justin followed suit. 

Carrie sat in the middle of the hallway playing and cuddling with Barky, the dog seemed to have already taken a shine to the girl, and Eric took a seat on the stair next to them. He stroke the dog's fluffy fur and laughed internally at himself, he was sure all the hair eventually would drive him nuts. Carrie was beaming like the sun and it was good seeing her so happy. Sometimes there were dark clouds over her head, usually after nights of nightmares, the kidnapping still haunting her sometimes, and anything that would make her smile he was all in favour for. 

The door suddenly rang and Carrie opened it, followed by Barky who growled at James in the door way. Eric held the dog back. “Come in, come in, apparently it's suppose to bark at strangers and it seems to be working” Eric explained before he reached out and gave James a hug.

“I see. Sorry I'm late, I had to swing by school” 

“That's fine. What were you doing there?” Eric asked curiously and sat down again. 

“Oh some kids messing about” James shrugged off his jacket. 

Eric nodded at his friend and sat looking at him, amazed of how far he'd come during the past months. He'd gone from living out on the street to working at LU. Since Henry had been fired for inappropriate miss-use of school property there had been an open position. It turned out James would be a natural when it came to surveillance. The beard and long hair was now gone and Eric had to admit that James scrubbed up pretty good. Not only did he have a job but he was also in contact with his father again, something that pleased Eric. They had invited Bill as well but not feeling up to celebrate the holidays he had kindly declined, claiming he was working all weekend. 

Ever since he'd brought Carrie back to them, James had been a present part of their lives and Eric and Nate had repaid him the best they could for saving their girl. Nate had helped him with the job at LU and Eric had helped him look for an apartment. The three men shared an eternal mutual gratefulness towards each other. 

“Hi James” Jen smiled kindly at him and Eric laughed silently. Nate might have thought that she was hanging around their house to help him out but Eric knew better. She was hoping to run into James, it was so obvious. Clearly, she'd taken a shine to him. 

“Come on guys, food's ready!” Nate suddenly shouted from the kitchen. 

“Best go, boss is calling” Jen said and offered a playful arm to James. “Shall we?”

James chuckled and stuck his arm through the loop. Carrie and Barky were already on their way and left in the hall was Eric. Holding the banister, he heaved himself up, his head spun a bit as it could do at times and he thought that it would be good getting some food in his stomach. The dinner table was crowded, some of them already snagging food off the plates. It reminded him of one of the big dinners he'd first experienced with Nate's family, loud, big and crazy. Back then they had been intimidating, now, it was just the way he liked it. 

“Come on, sit down” Nate placed a kiss on his cheek as he swirled by, the last pot in his hands. 

Eric did as he was told and he sat down next to Andrea, arms were stretching across the table, plates were being filled and pots and pans passed to each other. It all looked good but he suddenly got a feeling that he wouldn't be able to stomach any of it. It started as a little churning ball in his stomach that gradually started working its way upwards and the more he looked at the food the bigger it grew. 

He managed to eat some pieces of the sweet potatoes and peas before he hurriedly excused himself and bolted towards the bathroom. The rest of them sat staring after him for a second, not really having to wonder what was going on. 

“I'll go” Emma said and lay her napkin on her chair. 

“You don't have to honey” Nate said.

“It's fine” She assured him with a smile. 

Justin popped a meatball into his mouth. “The food wasn't that bad was it?” The group laughed at him, knowing it was the only thing to do. 

…

In the bathroom the laughter was silenced by Eric hurling into the toilet bowl. He sat on his knees on the cold tile floor with one arm on the seat and his head resting upon it. He knew another wave of nausea would come in a minute or two, it always did. In the beginning he had left the bathroom after the first round of puking only having to rush back. By now, he had learned how his body worked. There was at least one or two attacks left to go. The procedure was getting old he thought to himself.

“I'm coming in” Emma didn't bother to knock on the door and she went straight to the toilet looking down at its content. “Is that the best you can do?” she asked and flushed it away. “You gotta do better than that, why the hell else did I come in here for when I could be eating?” To anyone else, her words might have sounded harsh but it was a technique Jen had taught her, herself having learned the tough love approach from the master herself, Helen. Eric hated fuss and pity and at first that was all he'd gotten from his family until one day when he angrily told them off. Remembering her promise to him in the tree house Jen refused leaving him alone and so she'd started playing along. But since she couldn't be there all the time and no one wanted for Eric to be alone when he was feeling bad, Emma had picked up on Jen's ways. Nate, however, had been banned from the bathroom, not being able to play the harsh role. In the beginning Emma had cried seeing her dad so broken down but by now she was used to it. And as it turned out, Emma could be even more tough than Jen and Helen combined. 

Eric didn't have the energy to answer her with anything else but a short “Mmm”. She knew he would feel a bit better if he'd just get everything out of the system so she continued pressing him “You know eating that nice mash with meatballs, a bit of gravy on top, mmm, and pickles, that's good. The smell of pickles. And after maybe some... “ She didn't get to finish the sentence before Eric was throwing up again. She looked down the bowl. “That's better” she confirmed. Filling the glass where she usually kept her toothbrush with water she handed it to Eric and sat down next to him, leaning against the bathtub.

He gurgled the water around in his mouth and spat it out. Leaning back next to her he flung his arm around her shoulders. “Thanks Ems” he said a tad short out of breath. He pulled her head closer to his chest and squeezed it affectionately. She was a good daughter, he couldn't believe how strong she was, doing this for him. “I love you” he whispered into her ear and he could see the corner of her mouth smile. “Love you too” she whispered. 

Letting go of her, Emma sat up and instead leaned her head against his shoulder. He could breathe easier now and the nausea was giving up it seemed. “So, tell me about this boy you've invited” Glad that Ryan was out of her life, he was genuinely interested hearing about this new friend of hers. 

“He's just a guy from the drama club” she said and shrugged her shoulders as it was no big deal. 

There was another positive change in her life, Eric thought. Ever since she had joined the after school activity she seemed a lot happier. “Is he cute then?” he joked and poked her side. “Probably, if you like him” he teased. 

“Daaad!” Her cheeks immediately turned bright red. “You can't ask me that!” She jumped to her feet. “You're on your own, and you better be down in five and eat some more” With that she was gone out the door, leaving a chuckling Eric behind. She stopped outside the door and listened to him and smiled. He was right though, Jesper was kinda cute. 

…

As promised, Eric was back at the table within five minutes and the colour on his face had returned to normal and with that a small appetite. Some were already on their second serving, others having given up and Jen even going so far as unbuttoning her jeans.

As a quiet observer he sat looking at them all with a smile. They were talking, discussing and laughing together. Justin and Andrea kept giving each other little kisses. Matt was feeding Anne while Helen was having a heated discussion with Nate, like always. Lars, Dan and Carrie were slipping food to Barky who was laying next to Carrie on the floor. Anthony and Emma was playfully pinching each other and Jen and James kept throwing each other little glances across the table, hoping no one would notice. A warm feeling of calm and utter happiness spread throughout his body, this was the way one should be, surrounded by people you loved. 

And he knew that no matter how bad he felt at times he had his Family and he wasn't just alive but he was Living, and if he had anything to do with it, he would do that for a long, long time to come.

Only George Bailey could measure up to his happiness right then and he wanted to run out into the snow and scream “Yaaaaaaaay!! Hello Langston!!!” 

 

THE END


End file.
